SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something that really disturbs me here despite her cheating is how easily she could go with a stranger to a hotel room. She could have been raped or drugged or worse. As a woman I find this terrifying.

I am so very sorry you are here. You are stunnned and heartbroken. Infidelity is the nuclear option to destroy a marriage. Then comes the horrible fallout. Full stop.

Even IF it was a ONS, there are certain things for which once is enought to destroy it all. Put another way, your wife pulled the pin on one grenade and tossed it into the room where you and your marriage resides.....it only takes one.

I dont have much to say on the "to do" side of things that the other posters haven't already contributed. Please listen to them and internalize their input. It may save you much much more hurt in the future. I wish to god this resourse existed when I was facing my own personal hellish betrayal.

This bring me to what I can contribute and that is to warn you about the catastrophic results of minimizing and rug sweeping. My experience stands as a warning beacon to other betrayeds as to not following that path. It is the way of exponentially more pain and grief. I minimized and rug swept to my own detriment. I smoked a lot of hopium in my pipedreams to try and make it go away. It made it all much much worse in the long run.

Take every measure you can to get to the bottom of what is really going on including a polygraph. Look after yourself and your own well being now as your CW has taken a hiatus from being on the team.

Strength to you now to do what you must and to not follow the path that I trod.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:34 PM, Monday, October 24th]

Don't be surprised if the trickle truth continues. As in not just one night and the morning but they were together every day...why wouldn't they?

Hi OP.

She felt wanted and was nice to have ATTENTION

In many marriages, seeking the above from another man is the free ticket on the divorce train for the wife.

But you've said you want to reconcile. I'd advise this: 1) she gets individual counselling with the goal to understand why she cheated and hereby hopefully never doing it again 2) she doesn't take a trip alone ever. If that means a new job so be it. You do not ever want to be sitting at home again while she's on a sex trip getting laid. 3) you do something to combat the anger that has hit or will hit you. Counselling, hard exercise, support group... something.

You may never get over this, but you probably can cobble together some sort of marriage.

So she's trickle truthing you now. Typical cheater move.

She'd only tell the truth if you promised to never leave her. That's a load of cruel horseshit manipulation.

She's given you lots to feel resentful about, if you want to reconcile you're going to have to deal with that.

Sorry this happened man, after a long marriage and kids involved it's tough.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 6:30 PM, Tuesday, October 25th]

Welcome to the land of monitoring your cheating wife. You get to play the role of the stern parent chasing after a misbehaving teenager trying to get her to behave. Other betrayed husbands who have the same reasons as you to reconcile their marriages have done many of the following:

So to start with you get a hold of her phone plan and you check all the numbers she's phoned and texted looking for unknown numbers and the frequency. That's just a start.

Then you look at her phone infrequently to frequently to check who she's texting.

Then you check all her social media to see if she's messaging her boyfriends. Now if she's one step ahead of you she installs a messaging app, sends love messages to her boyfriends, then deletes the app everytime she's feeling the love. You'll never see the messages. So, what you do is install keyloggers on all her devices so you can catch and review everything she types.

But if she's one step ahead of you again, she has a burner phone and you'll never see what she types. So what you have to do is turn your house upside down looking for a burner phone - her closets, old purses, clothes pockets, and her car, too. And/or you up your game as a server admin on your home network looking for all connected devices, any mysterious devices in the house?

But maybe then she just stonewalls you by talking with boyfriends on her work phone, which you can't look at because work security reasons.

So you try to catch her talking in her car when you're not around. So you buy one or several voice activated recorders (VAR) and tape it under the seat of her car. You sneak out to her car at night and replace today's VAR with the backup one with the fresh batteries. Then you get to listen to her phone calls from the car.

She's a stay at home mom, and or you have to take a trip now and again? Well, you may need cameras installed on your doors to see who she's entertaining. If you're more concerned you hide cameras in your house.

She's taking suspiciously long times going shopping, working late many nights, etc.? What you do is learn how to connect her phone's location services to your devices so you can see where she is. And/or install a GPS tracker on her car. Of course if she leaves her phone at work while she's off for a noon time or afternoon romp, you're none the wiser.

Perhaps you engage the servies of a PI and have him monitor her noon time activities or nights out.

Before embarking on any of this you of course have checked with a local lawyer to make sure which steps are legal/illegal in your jurisdiction.

Or, you can just trust what your cheating wife tells you.

Good times.

p.s. She's never stepped out on you before this trip right? Going to be fun proving that one.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 7:37 AM, Tuesday, October 25th]

I stayed and tried to talk with my ws, giving him every chance.

He could never give the whole truth and never showed he was truly sorry. Just waited for it to be over. For me it could not be over until I saw that he was safe and I could trust. It gave me time to think back on the past.

You need the truth and she has to explain to you why she thought it was OK.

I didn't get the fun 5hat 3verybody else got is no reason. Fine then. Get divorced and get your fun. Don't destroy your loving husband. Now mine had plenty of fun when young and wanted some of that kink he ran after in his 20s.

They tell themselves what they need to to justify what they know is wrong. If not wrong why lie anyway? Mine blamed me. Me I'm knock8ng myself out to make things wonderful for us and he's getting treats on the side.

She may have amazing qualities but if she can't get your trust back there's no happiness or peace in the future.

Both of you scared and don't want your good life together to end. Love your kids and want a loving happy life for them. Don't want to see them part time.
These are strong reasons to try.

I dated my ws since I was16. I know how strong that bond is. Got back together with him after my long relationship with someone else ended. Had the we were meant for each other euphoria. How could my destined beloved party away on trips? Easy. For him it was comfortable happiness at home and excitement away. Later that became excitement and kink on the side in a long term PA and thinking about leaving for her. Found out and then still texting lying and sneaking. You must b3 sure all contact has stopped. There must be truth and she must show you this is what she wants forever more.

How can you trust? It's a long road. Most of it lies with her. She works hard. She gives the whole answer that doesn't change with time. She tries and YOU decide. The thing is yours now. You choose.

People fail. They do. What they do after is the essential part. Could be you two really learn to be better people. I hope you do.

Anger will come. It's natural. Let it come, feel it's presence, then understand why ( unfairness, jealousy, betrayal, loss, embarrassment, sorrow, impatience, regret ) it will come for many reasons. Feel it, try and understand then let it go. Anger is a tool. It tells us somethings wrong. Make a plan to work onthat and then release the anger. Don't hold it in. That gives stressthat wreaks your health and starts depression. Don't feel hopeless. Make a plan.

Say to her....I have these feelings caused by your actions...what will she do to give you healing then. It will take years. She should know this. It won't just be forgotten in a few months. It's like she sold your house and gambled with the money. She need to see how serious it is and find out why she let herself make the choices. Nobody just decides, oh I'll sell the house today and fly to Vegas. There was the thought process that came first. She needs to start there.

The idea that "I didn't get to have sex with people other than my spouse who I met in high school" is just an excuse.
As someone who did have a bunch of failed relationships I envy the couple who I have known since high school where they started dating and are still together 40+ years later.
It is a rare and wonderful thing, too bad she threw it away for a little bit of strange. Or maybe she has been enjoying other men for years. Who knows.

I met my ex wife on an airplane, we were both going to the same corporate event. We hung out a bit at the event (did not hook up) and ended up getting married two years later for 11 years. Then she wandered.

She asked me to promise her that I would not leave her if she told me the truth.

Don't you think that is very hypocritical of her? I mean she isn't keeping her promises to you, right?

Look man, breathe. You want things to work out. OK. I did not divorce my W and we are reconciled. It happens.

I think everyone here is just trying to get you to keep all options on the table.

That is all. At the end of the day it is your life and only you have to live in it.

So you found out and your wife had to confess. My guess is that she planned to take this to her grave and you finding out was not planned.

Clearly she had a plan in place. The part of your post I quoted seems to indicate that.

My question is what has she offered to do to help you? My guess is that she said she'd do "anything," or some variation of that.

Right now you have questions and she has answers. Will she answer honestly? That is the real test.

We've all seen this. Your W planned on lying to you, about a big thing, for the restvof your life. This shows significant disrespect and the capacity to lie to not only you, but also to heeself.

Right now the best thinf would be to ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing? It is telling on what she says.

If she says that she would be upset, but. . .then begins to tell you how she would forgive you. . .yadda yadda...then she likely isn't telling the truth.

How I know this? Because until it actually happens to you no one has no f-ing idea what itbis like.

I'd also find an IC. You have a lot to unpack.

I am sorry,but chances are you have only been told part of the truth. Cheaters lie. It is their defining characteristic and that behavior doesn't stop as soon as they are caught.

Take your time and keep everything on the table. It is more likely to end with you being happy.

She asked me to promise her that I would not leave her if she told me the truth.

I place a lot of value on meeting commitments, and you made one to her.

At the same time, you made the commitment while you were extremely stressed. That type of commitment has no value. It's null and void. Do not let your W hold you to a promise made under the duress of learning that she broke uncountable promises to you.

My suggestion is to tell her you're backing out of your commitment. Not only that, you don't believe what she has told you. Tell her that she needs to come clean, that no M can be great if she has done pretty much anything with someone other than you that she doesn't want you to see and hear (after committing to exclusivity with you). Tell her that you may leave if her revelations contain something you can't accept, but you will leave if such a fact comes out later. This isn't guaranteed to get the truth, but at least it tells her the whole truth is important.

Honesty is the cornerstone of R. R is impossible without complete honesty, and that includes telling each other about things that may very much upset the receiver of the message. If she can't or won't come clean, she is not a candidate for R(econciliation) - she's only a candidate for r(ugsweeping). Don't accept that - it will hurt you much more in the long run than setting requirements now and cutting her off if she won't comply.

I know it's risky. I know it's frightening to open yourself up to more hurt. But you need to know what you need to heal from, because if it doesn't come out now, it may come out in the future, and that's even worse than coming out now. To see what I mean, take a look at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/349697/for-those-who-found-out-years-later/.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:20 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

How do you know it has never happend before?

I asked W if the other guy stayed the night and she has now told me they fell asleep and did it again in the morning.

Yeah, this is the TT we talked about. It is her trickle truthing you. More happened and this is your evidence. She promised to come clean with the whole truth, then lied right to your face. She can not be trusted and you should tell her as much. Tell her with more facts coming she is back at ground zero with no promises made previously having any burying on how you will treat her now.
Then you have to ask her for a timeline. A complete timeline. This should include everything. When they first saw each other. When they first spoke. How they left. Everything sexual they did. Then have her re-write it with one with redacted sexual stuff. You have her read out loud the clean copy and hand over copies of both. She reads it out loud so she can hear herself say what she did to hurt you. This is to make it real and not something she can minimize. The reason for writing it out is because you will catch her in more lies during the next few weeks. The magnitude of these lies will heavily weigh on if you can reconcile or not.
There is more. After she cheated, she had 3 months at home with this breach of trust which she said she enjoyed and she performed out of anger towards you. So what else did she do after she came back? If she resented you so badly to cheat, why stop at a ONS? Are there other people she has been crossing boundaries with? Who else knows about this ONS?

Sorry you are going through with this mate. You seem to want to put yourself as a shield between the comments and your wife. Please go read some of the past longer threads of men who have been through your situation. You will see a lot of them start in your defending their wives stance. Then come a year into things either new information comes out or the BH (Betrayed Husband) just gets mad because the WW (Wayward Wife) had fun, then controlled what she told you, then gets a new you that is better than the past you, and has zero consequences.
I'm 5 years out and that still grades on me. My wife was much more controlling before she cheated on me. Since things worked out, she knows she belongs on egg shells the rest of the marriage. I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth. She knows I have one foot out the door because she didn't do everything in her power to save me. She says she regrets how we reconciled because she knows it hurt me beyond belief that she enjoyed all the counseling and reconnecting but didn't realize that I was suffering the whole time until she told the truth and changed her behavior. She got the ideal marriage after destroying the only person who would have stuck it out with her in this marriage she burned down.
Good luck and know your WW is going to need a hard jolt to want to change things. Also know there is nothing wrong with working hard to provide for your family. If she had an issue she should have brought it up, not hurt you and then tried to fix things together.

Pantherparadus

I’m afraid we might have lost you…
The posts are so hard and so frightening, but keep in mind that NOTHING we can say or suggest or share can be worse than what you are already dealing with. And just like what we share shouldn’t be ignored then facing your reality shouldn’t be ignored either.

I am fairly certain that if you and WW never talk about this again that you two can find a way to have a decent enough marriage. But sometime in the future the questions, the PTSD, the pain… will want out. Deal with it now and instead of having 5-10 hard years you can have 1-2 and then improvement – be that in reconciliation or divorce.

If nothing else, then do this litmus test to see if we are on to something here.
You sound as if you want to believe your wife.
We suggested a STD test, and you say she already had one.
Search for evidence that she actually has had a test. Doctors appointment, charge on account, mark in her schedule, a text confirming time, the phone logs…
Have her prove it. The result, the location of the clinic, when she went…
Its not as if going to the free STD clinic downtown is an everyday occurrence. She will know where it is, what the opening hours are, how long to wait for the result…
Heck… if she insists there is no charge because she paid cash, that there is no written outcome because the clinic phoned using a hidden number… Then you two can go down to said clinic and get a copy of the results.

Honestly friend – I am guestimating the odds 95/100 that she didn’t do a STD test… Please prove me wrong!

This simple exercise can only do you good. It can help you in your belief that your wife is that one in a thousand WW that is truthful and honest from the start (and we are not denying they exist…) or it can confirm what we are suggesting: You need the truth.