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The1stWife, its not going so well. I feel frozen. Ive just been thinking about everything. We talked about a week ago which was the end of the three weeks, and I was going to give her the note I wrote that stevesn suggested I do. I was ready to end it for good. But then she brought up the conversation first and asked what I wanted to do. I told her that all I want is to move forward, I want us to live together again like a married couple, and go to marriage counseling to work on things that got us here, but that Im not doing any of the unless she gets rid of the AP for good. She just nodded in agreement. I asked her if she even wants to be with me, and she said yes. (but I wasn't convinced, something about her tone of voice). Then she said she's afraid to move back in again because she doesn't want it to be like it was. I explained that there's no way it would and I gave reasons why and I started to feel like I was trying to sell her on a life with me so I immediately stopped and said I shouldn't have to try to sell you on this, you should just want to. She said she does, but that she's still working on herself still. And I asked her why doesn't she think she can do that with me and does she want to live a single life? She just said no. So the conversation sort of ended there, we agreed that we would look for a new place together which will take a few months and she will continue to "work on herself" in the meantime. After that, things were ok, she seemed like she was feeling better, while I wasn't. Now I thinking what to do now. She hasn't gotten rid of her AP yet. My birthday was over the weekend and she did all these nice things for me and we had a lot of fun. BUT last night I found another instagram account she has that she's been active on, even though she told me she's taking a break from social media. So now Im mad again, and have been up all night trying to decide what to do. Im going out of town at the end of the week to visit my sister and part of me doesn't want to do anything until I get back. That's part of my problem I think, its never the "right time" to bring stuff up and cause chaos, even though I know she's the one that did all this to begin with.

Doesn’t taking time and "working on herself" just mean she’s spending time with the AP and keeping you on a leash while she does it?

In my world you are either married and monogamous, or you’re not. And she’s not right now.

My vote is to give her the letter and move on. Contact a D lawyer and start that process. If she gets her head out of her ass and shows you that it’s all about you and only you and somehow gets into IC and becomes a safe partner for once you can put the D on hold.

Of course I know I don’t get a vote

But reading this as an outsider, she’s cake eating and playing you. If you weren’t in the middle of it, you’d see it too. I feel for you. Stop letting her control things. Only thing she should lead is rebuilding with you. And until she starts doing that you should follow the only real path to happiness in front of you. If she wants to follow that’s her choice. You can’t make or persuade her to do it. It’s all in if she wants it bad enough.

Talk to a lawyer and follow that path. Don’t look back to see if she’s coming. If she catches up with you, she’ll let you know. Right now she’s still in love with the AP. So let her see what life with only her would be like.

I’m sorry for you. You are so much like me.

The Cheater keeps moving the end zone and you (like me) keep trying harder and doing more to salvage what is left of the marriage/relationship.

Her words and actions never match up. She says "she wants the marriage but….." which is code for being a coward and not being honest. But then again you already saw that and recognize it.

And, she keeps popping up on social media which she continues to lie about.

All 🚩🚩🚩 and warning signs.

I’ve been in your shoes. The cheater is either running towards you as the spouse or they are not. And if not, you need to run in the opposite direction.

Here is what will happen. Based on my experience you move in together and get a new place. The cheater has already stated "I don’t want the old marriage and things have to change blah blah blah".

You are NOW auditioning for your role as spouse. You are being compared to the AP. And you will know it b/c you will feel it. You will know it’s there like the elephant in the room. Except you can’t or won’t say anything b/c that’s too much like the past and you don’t want to rock the boat etc.

So you will suffer. In silence.

You are not in a good position. The cheater is calling the shots and in the cheater’s mind you either go along or she’s out. And if she’s out — she’s going to continue yo cheat. Maybe not with the sane AP but there will be someone else.

Because in the cheater’s mind YOU the betrayed spouse are being difficult and expecting monogamy and the cheater "just isn’t sure blah blah blah".

Her actions and words don’t match. 🚩

Please listen to Stevesn.

The words you speak really mean nothing to her if your actions don't back them up. Your words can say that what she is doing amounts to abuse, that you deserve better treatment and that you are worthy. Your lack of action is saying her treatment of you and your marriage is fine and that you are worthless. Please believe in yourself and back your words with action. Show her you are getting yourself out of infidelity by starting the D proceedings.

OP, your marriage is already over. You're not living a married life and haven't been for a long time. Your wife is off living her own life, with her own significant other(s) that's she's interested in, and you're only one of them. She is not exclusive to you. She has lied to you. She acts ambivalent about wanting to get back together.

I'm sorry to be blunt but it's obvious to everyone who reads this thread that she "just isn't that into you". She's not in love with you. She's not committed to you. You have some appeal to her as someone who's comfortable, and possibly financially supportive, but she doesn't want the committed, exclusive marriage that you want.

For your own sanity, read the writing on the wall and file for divorce. Go no contact with her and find someone else. You're still young, so you will be able to find someone else. Don't let her continue to waste years of your life, stringing you along, so that when she finally, definitively dumps you, you're too old to have an easy time of finding someone else.

She hasn't gotten rid of her AP yet. My birthday was over the weekend and she did all these nice things for me and we had a lot of fun. BUT last night I found another instagram account she has that she's been active on, even though she told me she's taking a break from social media. So now Im mad again, and have been up all night trying to decide what to do.

Brother I'm sorry but the proverbial writing is on the wall here, stop trying to convince your WW to give up her boyfriend, there's really absolutely NOTHING to discuss here, do yourself a favor, contact a D attorney and have her served, I wouldn't even consider taking her back under your circumstances, you deserve so much better, take action and end this farce of a M now.

Brother

Sister … actually.

It’s a same sex marriage. I made the same error earlier in the thread

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:23 PM, Tuesday, May 17th]

I don't know what is going on in your W's mind, and it does matter what she's thinking anyway.

Your only chance for getting what you want is to act on your own behalf. You set a limit for yourself a page back. It's really unhealthy, IMO, for you to stretch your boundary now, irrespective of what your W does or wants.

How will passive waiting help you? Will you not be better off if you take the action you said you would?

What's holding you back? Fear? Belief that you're not entitled to be your own person?

Sounds like you need to tell your wife the same thing I told mine, "I don't care who you date, but not while we're married, make your choice."
Either she chooses you or it's time to call it quits. You can't go on like this forever. It not fair to you.

You can tell the cheater anything you want.

It’s like talking to a wall. They will only do what is in their best interest.

Until the cheater decides to stop cheating, the betrayed spouse is wasting their time.

I learned that hard lesson years ago. If I had the money at dday1 that I had at Dday2 — I’d be D. I was fully prepared to D him 10 days after dday1.

But he lied snd swore up & down he was ending the affair. Stupidly I believed him. He claimed to have ended the A but we all know how that works too.

Sadly in this case you only have actions as your weapon of choice. Talking or threats or ultimatums or waiting it out isn’t an option.

Sister … actually.

It’s a same sex marriage. I made the same error earlier in the thread smile

Correct, still I stand by my suggestion.

Thank you, All.
And no worries about not recognizing its a same sex relationship, because it doesn't really matter, the advice still applies.
So we talked again. I confronted her about her second Instagram account. She said its just for gaming stuff (which it looks like it is) and that she made it 6 months ago when we were "separated". But still, I know she would freak out if she found out I had another account that she didn't know about...And she's friends with her AP on that account as well. She says they don't talk. I said I don't believe that. She said that sometimes her AP sends her messages and she ignores them. I told her I don't believe that either. I said I cant do this anymore, and she seemed to sense what I was getting at. She frantically said she doesn't want to lose me and that she cant imagine her life without me. She also said she knows what she has to do and that she knows Id rather her do it sooner than later. I didn't really say anything after that, I'm tired of repeating myself and having it go in one ear and out the other. I think she knows that her time is up. I've been acting very differently. She also knows I've been working a lot of overtime and is starting to put the pieces together. I'm kind of done putting any energy into this. I'm not saying anything anymore. I'm going out of town this weekend to visit my sister, and will talk to her about possibly staying with her.

This is hard, but you are doing well. Keep enforcing YOUR boundaries. Start aligning your ducks so that you have options.
Seeing you sister is a great idea.

Hang in there, and keep putting yourself first.

This jumped out at me.

Then she said she's afraid to move back in again because she doesn't want it to be like it was.

She's trying to blame you for her A. If she didn't like the state of the relationship she could have addressed it with you and left if she didn't like the resolution. But it's more likely an excuse that she made after she had started to seek attention elsewhere because it felt good.

She's going to continue to string you along for as long as you let her. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Let her know that you're not going to wait forever for her to go full, complete, NC with absolute transparency of her accounts. Don't give her a deadline but set one for yourself. Then stick to it. You can't win the pick-me dance. You can only create shame and doubt for yourself down the line.

Be strong. Stay strong.

Thank you all for the responses. I know its been a minute since posting. I needed a moment to process and I keep rereading what you all are saying. And I agree with all of it. I went to visit my sister last weekend and we had a great time. While I was gone, my wife would text me saying that she misses me, etc. and when I came back she left me notes around the apartments saying things like, I love you, I love the memories we've created. Just like really nice things? But to be honest, it all makes me really sad and I'm not sure why. I feel like she means these things but also its somewhat manipulative. When I was gone, she hungout with our good friend who I talk to all the time. She knows everything. She pressed my wife about if she really does want to be with me, and she said yes, but that there are things she doesn't know if she can accomplish with me. Whatever that means. She also told our friend about the medium she went to. And that the medium said her and her AP were "soul-tied" and that's why she has a hard time letting her AP go. I'm honestly so sick of this. Its the lamest excuse in the world.

Yesterday, I brought up something that really hurt my feelings. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in an earlier post or not. But about a month after my wife's birthday, she asked me to delete an Instagram post that I had done about her birthday with pics of us and our friends having a good time. She wanted it deleted because it "gave her anxiety" because of what happened later that day when her AP was blowing up her phone about seeing another pic of my wife and I together. So I told her that that's not fair, I wasn't the one who ruined the day, and that it hurt my feelings because I planned this amazing trip just for her and I'm the one who get punished for it? I also said it feels like she's trying to hide me, and that she doesn't want her AP to see us together. She denies all of this but it doesn't sit right with me at all. It doesn't make sense. Then, per usual, she gets so upset and overwhelmed about what I brought up, and says things like, it seems like everything she does upsets me, and all of the good things that happen to her upset me. And she gave an example of the medium, and said that it was a really good thing for her but that I rained on her parade because it upset me. And another example with her dad. They have a lot of issues and she she's been really upset with him being absent when she was a child, etc. The other day he found old photos of them when she was elementary school age and and they were really cute photos of them together and you could tell there was a lot of love for each other. And she said when she saw those that everything changed and she felt better about a lot of stuff between them. I told her that that was really great am I am happy that they were able to mend their relationship. And I also reminded her that I tried to do that too, about 9-10 months ago when this affair came to light, and she didn't give a shit at all. She didn't want to see the pics and didn't want to read the cards. So she says by me saying that, I ruined that moment for her too.

This is just getting really hard for me, and I want it to end. And you guys have told me many times to just do it. And I'm really close to that.

Please let go of this relationship. She is manipulating all the time. She has you trained to react and respond to however she wants. This is because people like her are ALWAYS going to come out on top. You won’t because you are not a gaslighter. You deal from honesty.
Please take care of yourself. Someone kind is out there looking for you.

Your wife has a very special view of life. Basically no one can say or do anything that she doesn’t approve of because then things are "ruined".

But yet she takes no responsibility for destroying your marriage and your life snd ruining things for you.

I would love to know "what she believes she cannot achieve" by being married to you. That’s even more special of her to imply HER lack of success or achievement is YOUR fault.

You are a smart woman. You see the handwriting on the wall. It’s your call what to do from here.

Just know her love notes and messages while you were gone are all well and good. But it’s negated by her trying to hide you on SM and acting like the OW is more important than you.

At the 9 month mark of my H’s affair - I was done. I had $ in my name, a mediator lined up, an excellent counselor and a plan to co-parent all ready to go.

When I told my H I was D him, it was no joke and was not meant to stop his cheating. Because at that point my "I don’t give a shit" meter was on HIGH. And I no longer cared.

Your wife had better wake up. Because it might very well be that when she finally decides to fully commit to the marriage then the damage will be so great YOU won’t want her back.

Cause that is what almost happened to me.

Your WW sounds freaking exhausting. I bet if you went no contact with her you’d be surprised how much your energy levels would rise in short order.

You’re getting great advice.

For me it comes down to this:
Love shouldn’t be so hard. You should be enjoying life together and focusing on each other. Her heart is elsewhere. That makes it very very hard to enjoy any kind of life together.

I’ve urged begged and cajoled you to move on. I know it’s hard. You can tell her that when the other woman is out of her life heart and mind completely to give you a call and you will see if your interested at the time to try again.

But until then it’s probably best you both work to end the marriage. When one person in the relationship has emotionally and physically moved on to someone else, the relationship is already over. Your mind and heart just needs to catch up with that fact.

I’m sorry.

Your wife is consistently saying "yes but…..".

Yes I love you but…..

Yes I want to stay married but……

Not a good sign.