Based on the past 24 hour I have decided to stop updating here. Anymore news probably needs to be under the Divorce/Separation forum. Does this thread get moved? Do you just start a new one over there when I feel a need to update?
This thread stays here. You need to start a new one in whatever other section of the site you feel you need when you are ready.
I’ll summarize the email I guess. After she left work early the day I got arrested, a female coworker came by to check on her. She told this person what had happened. The whole story. One thing led to another and the girl offered her phone to my STBXW to call him after she (STBXW) expressed concern about the AP physically. He was all lovey and heartbroken and called her the “love of his life” (sound familiar) and he was begging her to run away with him. She told him she was confused and she could not do that right now, In her words, she was an “emotional blob not thinking right”. They hung up eventually and the coworker agreed to keep it quiet.
Trust me your wife has left a lot out of that conversation. Possibly even the words "I love you".
The next day she claims she came to her senses and reaches out to marriage counseling services at our church. It's considered a meg-church and has professional counseling available. Later in the week she goes to them and tells them everything that happened except not about the phone call. They tell her the usual which includes no contact with AP and that breaking that contact post D-Day could cause any attempt to reconcile to fail. She’s in panic mode about the call and decides not to tell anyone about it. The week after I return home, while she is at work the coworker tells her that AP is blowing up her phone and she needs to talk to him. She claims she does it to make him stop trying to get in contact with her. Unfortunately, to her surprise he is pissed. I had sent his wife screenshots of the Facebook messages and blown up his world without warning my STBX. So he’s upset, yelling and crying about his marriage and me beating him up and all he did was “fall in love with a woman he can never go near again”. She hangs up and never speaks or sees him again until that Saturday night at the party.
For years your wife has maintained contact with an affair-enabler AND lied to your face day after day, in therapy, etc.
Even with his being mad at her, she still doesn't realize that this all she is is a piece of ass to this sleazebag.
And some shit from her therapist about not properly mourning the end of that relationship due to how fast it ramped up and ended.
Yet another shitty therapist who creates justifications for disloyal cheater and liars.
And guilt associated with not telling me or her therapist about the two phone calls.
Just not enough guilt to tell the truth. If there is one thing cheaters ain't, it is courageous.
The resentment toward me she understood and tried to explain. She felt that we had reached a plateau that we were not progressing in our reconciling over the last year. That I was not fully committed and she admits that she was frustrated and angry about that. She KNEW she wanted us to work out and grow old together but I was still distant in some ways. She wanted to have that talk with me for over a month and kept putting it off and then the party happened. She feels it was just an unfortunate chain of events that came together and exploded. And to her point she had sent me a text asking about us setting some time aside to discuss our marriage. I have the text. But we never got around to it.
Please SeeYaIamOut, understand your responsibility in this not working out while your wife lies to your face and is possibly secretly pining for another man.
Why didn't YOU try harder?
Anyway, my reply was simply, “You lied for three years. How do I know you're not lying now?”
Her reply was, “That’s the problem I found myself in when you came back home. If I told you the truth how could I prove it was only phone calls. I could only do then what I am doing now. Tell you and pray you believe me because I have no proof. But emotions were so raw and I knew how bad I had messed up. I did not think we could take another blow to our marriage and survive. I’m sorry I kept this from you then. But that is the truth. All of it.”
And this sums up the insane feedback loop of cheater-think: I wanted to tell you the truth, but I didn't, because you wouldn't believe me. So I had to lie. Over and over again. But now! This time! I am telling the whole truth.
So that’s it. Divorce is still on the table. Way on the table. But now that all the emotions have begun to clear, I am not as angry and more open to seeing this from her perspective. An actual physical separation for a period of time will definitely take place.
I'll be perfectly frank. Your wife is a mess. Take cheating out of it. Her mind seems to be...warped, honestly.
Now put cheating back into it. Do you want to be with someone who is this much of a mental mess? Who can lie to you straight in your face for years on end? Who you simply can't trust, from an honesty, loyalty, and frankly, a pure "judgement" perspective?
What does that do to your soul and self-worth going forward? Is this woman worth it to you?
