SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear BucBlitz,

Your wife has made her decision and now it's time for you to do the same. Your wife is the supervisor of her A/P. I would suggest calling the HR department and reporting the affair. You have nothing to lose. Please stand up for you and your kids. Also, don't ever leave your home.

Best,

Bigheart

Sounds like this was an exit affair. I think I'd blow it up anyway.

Def8nitely get the legal process started and get her to sign an advantageous agreement before she changes her mind. If you want to blow uop the A and have a chance to bring her to her senses, expose, expose, expose to HR, family and friends. Nothing tends to put ice water on an A than the brutal light of day. She has violated tons of work rules. You should report the A immediately. Don’t wait for karma to hit them. Just sayin.

BB,

At this point, you need to focus on what is best for you and your children. Her losing her job might not be best for that goal. Your lawyer will be able to give you advice on what’s best for you.

Now you need to detach. This will be hard. Not many comments in this thread say this, but we all know how hard it is. This is where the 180 comes in.

You say she will regret it. Maybe maybe not. But taking bad decisions will catch up to her for sure. In the long run, Waywards don’t get what they expect, they get what they deserve.

But... not your problem anymore. I wish you strength, it will get better.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:58 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

She has violated tons of work rules.

As she works overnight it is very likely they have been having sex at work. We see this all the time with the medical field. Something about all of those available beds I guess. She is very likely going to lose her job here. I would talk to an attorney about any effect this might have on support if she is unemployed. Once that was cleared up I'd expose away.

Please , please don't make the mistake of going to MC at this point

I did that and regret it tremendously

Her reply to me was “I don’t think we can come back from this. I’m not in love with you anymore.” I then asked her again was this just sex with him and she told me no there is definitely feelings there. Well I’m my mind then that means she doesn’t really want to work this out so I told her she could go find an apartment and we can will separate.

This is very typical, you got a variation of the infamous "ILYBINILWY" (I love you but I'm not In Love with You) anymore, like we all suspected she was lying, ALL Cheaters lie and minimize, she's very deep in the fog, this A was probably been going on for months or much longer. You have plenty of leverage at this point, use it, lawyer up, file for D without warning and have her served at work, EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends, that way she won't be able to introduce POSOM to your kids, friends and family as someone she just met after the separation, their relationship won't last as she's much older but that's not your problem anymore.

Like others say file for D and have her sign a decent settlement and 50/50 custody, if she makes more money than you then try to get more money for spousal support/alimony if not then try that she gets no alimony from you, tell her you could sign an agreement not to disclose the A to HR, of course once the D is final someone else could out them (I remember a case like that here or another forum) but if you get alimony from her keep quiet so that the money keeps rolling in, you have a lot of leverage, she will want to protect their jobs and careers, use this to your advantage. Keep posting frequently.

Buster123 has good advice.

She's a single mom now so she shouldn't be allowed 7 days of babysitting while she's with the OM(on shift with OM).

At this point, since R seems to be on the back burner at best, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her job. Keep her earning a good income, it'll be beneficial to you if you do get a D.

Sorry for your situation, man. Make yourself priority one (other than your kids). Focus on your healing, not her or her shitty drama.

...she shouldn't be allowed 7 days of babysitting...

Parenting isn't "babysitting".

Establishing as much parenting time as possible can only be a good thing. The kids are almost always better off with a parent, when possible. (Notice that I said "almost" for any of you that wish to share the lacking in your child's other parent.) Until a separation and parenting agreement is in place that states otherwise you should be with your kids as much as possible.

Fast moving developments. Looks like you are a strong meinded person to stand your ground in face of this unexpected shock. She may be in a unsettled fog. Confessing and wanting to R and then telling you she is gone. Your taking stern steps like asking her to leave and filling may make her to see reality. Expose the affair to workplace etc only if you plan to R. Otherwise let her resolve her own problems. The OM may most probbaly in it for sex. Important thing is not to suffer continously because of this. You are the one who lose. She is not your friend now. Talk to people who care abut you and get theit help.

Let her go. Get the D fast and as much in your favor as possible.

Hard 180 no contact for yourself. Text/email kids only. You don't want to linger in this anymore than you have to.

Start looking through your bank statements and credit card statements to see if she has been using family funds on her A. Bring this information to your lawyer also. You may be able to get half that money in your settlement.

Well I was going to post that there was more to her story, but didn't expect so much so fast.You got a lot of grief and lying out of the way in a day. That is good.

You know where she decided to draw the line. There's a good chance that the OM relationship will crash and burn when it;s not a fun sexy secret affair anymore...just two cheaters fucking and she may come back and ask for forgiveness for her mistake. But you have seen her true self.

Protect yourself and your kids.

I guess I jumped the gun a little bit with my earlier update and misunderstood some things over a phone conversation I had with her. We sat down tonight together for about an hour long actually good conversation about everything tonight. I’m not saying I’m forgiving her or ever will I don’t know at this point. After talking for a while we both agreed that a separation is the best thing for now. She is going to move out tomorrow and get an an apartment. We have agreed to split custody the kids and finances (we both make equal amounts). I made it clear to her that we both needed to focus on ourselves for now and on being good parents to our kids. I’m not even putting the idea of R out there for now it’s too new. I may be stupid in the long run but I’m not ready to settle on D yet either. Thank you for everyone’s kind words and advice on here.

When the WS wants to separate right after dday,it's so they can continue the affair without having to deal with the BS.

Since you didn't say anything about divorce,are you prepared to be Plan B when the affair fizzles out? Have you discussed her not having the OM around the kids?

Have you verified that the OM is single? From a source other than your wife?

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:39 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

We sat down tonight together for about an hour long actually good conversation about everything tonight.

It sounds weird, but an A has the ability to blowtorch the bullshit off of a relationship and allow people to actually speak the truth to each other. Whatever path you and your WW take, try to keep that honesty in your comms.

I don’t know what I’m prepared for yet. If you asked me today I would probably say I wouldn’t take her back. But 6, 9 12 months from now I can’t say. I know for a fact that the OM is single. Honestly at this point I’m not trying to think about her, OM or R or D. I’m going to take this time to reconnect with myself first before I decide anything else.

HouseofPlane: That is exactly what it felt like. It felt like the first honest, good conversation we have had in months. I know it sounds stupid but it made me feel a lot better. My hope for the kids at the end of all this we at least come out the other side as friends again.

BucBlitz, I hope you're paying attention to what HellFire said. The only reason she's walking back her earlier statement about not wanting to work things out is because she wants to keep you as Plan B while she sees how things go with her AP.