SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think the advice is all on target, especially Bigger.

IF she lost her job due to shagging someone she supervises as a consequence of her affair, that's life. But since she has a long record of employment as a charge nurse she can get another job right away.

When I was getting divorced my business made more than my XWW teacher job. During arbitration she wanted spousal support for a while until she could "get on her feet", the arbitrator said that since she has has an unbroken 25 year work history and 2 advanced degrees there was no way a judge would sign off on SS.

Just because someone loses their job for cause, it doesn't mean they get their X to pay their bills.

Good job in making a plan and working your plan.

Every case is different so stick with the plan.

Always remember.....this is YOUR PLAN! So it will always be your choice to make amendments to your plan as you see fit.

There will be a time in the future were you will need to decide what you want from your old lady, and when that time comes you will need to have the information if she is a safe partner/marriage material again.

We all wish we could be wrong here but the reality is this separation usually leads down the wrong path with regards to how a person with unhealthy behaviors can do something like this and just stop...especially now that the other person (you) that can prevent/or slow down this unhealthy behavior is out of the way....for now!

Do what you need to do, but you have young ones that still need to be watched.

It sucks but when you bail... will your old lady in fact "better her self" of go off the rails even more and continue a disstructive behavior.

When you are ready their will be a time you will have to verify if she is safe enough to be back in a relationship.....with you anyway.

So take care of your self....but be warned...this is no longer the woman you thought you married, and with that knowledge be careful letting her back in.

The only reason I sound cautious is because often this kind of separation leads towards the wayward only being more self destructive....hences the reason your lawyer wants you to keep track of shyt with a journel…..make sense?

I only pray that your old lady takes this time to better her self if not for you but for your kids. Even your lawyer knows this is not always the case. Sorry to say. So please work on your self but just like your lawyer said you still need to keep an eye out....unfortunately!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:00 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]

Man you guys weren’t kidding when you talk about this being a roller coaster ride. It’s kinda amazing how after the initial shock of the deception starts to wear off you start really getting a clearer view of the situation. I now find myself looking at this situation and saying to myself, “What exactly are you trying to save here?” What we had is gone. Even if we ever R that is never coming back. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I constantly have to monitor, worry and panic. I’ve always been the kind of person that will fully trust 100% and how could I ever be that person again in a relationship with WS? I’m going to get my ducks in a row and plan to sit down with her after the holidays to divide our financial accounts and start mapping out plan to file D. I am however going to keep this very civil with her so it doesn’t become nasty with the kids. I feel like I need to distance myself fully (financially and emotionally) if I’m ever going to rebuild myself a better life. She made the choice that this is the life she wants and I have to accept that. By no means will I just stand by and “wait” for something that I think has already died though.

I’m going to get my ducks in a row and plan to sit down with her after the holidays to divide our financial accounts and start mapping out plan to file D. I am however going to keep this very civil with her so it doesn’t become nasty with the kids. I feel like I need to distance myself fully (financially and emotionally) if I’m ever going to rebuild myself a better life. She made the choice that this is the life she wants and I have to accept that. By no means will I just stand by and “wait” for something that I think has already died though.

I'm glad you have finally realized that your WW killed your M with her A and that she killed the trust you had for her and the innocence of your M and that's never coming back at least not like it was before her A; and by all means get your ducks in a row but don't wait until after the holidays to divide the financial accounts you can do that now in a "civil way", also file for D now, it takes a long time, why wait ? the sooner you do it the sooner you get out of infidelity.

Yes. Glad you are becoming aware of your situation. Even those with the most remorseful WS’s will never have the same relationship they had before the A if they are able to find reconciliation.

Sometimes a different perhaps even better relationship can develop but it’s based on a different foundation. Less innocent and fully depends on the amount of work the WS can do to change themselves.

Right now yours is showing little to no sign of wanting the marriage. The point we are making is if D takes a relatively set amount of time to process in your state, why wait to start the process. Separation can be part of how you work it, but 12 months from now you may wish you started the official process sooner. And it can always be stopped or put on hold if something radically changes and you find you have a truly remorseful WS in front of you months down the road.

Good luck to you.

I agree with Buster123.

Especially about not waiting until after the holiday.

It's tough but serving her with D during a family oriented holiday makes a very strong statement as to where her behavior is taking her - it's blowing up a nice family.

Today is gonna be a tough one for me. We are meeting for lunch today with our 2 boys (5 and 8yrs old) to explain to them that their world is fixing to be torn apart by mommy and daddy separating. Keeping my composure is not going to be easy I know but I feel this has to look like it’s coming from a united front so that my sons realize that although we may not live all together at the same time anymore we are still and always will be family. I know I have some family and friends telling me that I’m being to nice to her through all this and that she should suffer like I am but the way I see it is she chose to make her bed now she can lay in it. Letting myself be overcome with vindictive thoughts or anger isn’t going to change anything other than lead to a even messier divorce. I firmly believe her suffering will come one day when she snaps out of the fog and suddenly the realization of what she just destroyed hits her.

Stay calm. Sounds like you have a great plan

We're pulling for you.

the way I see it is she chose to make her bed now she can lay in it. Letting myself be overcome with vindictive thoughts or anger isn’t going to change anything other than lead to a even messier divorce. I firmly believe her suffering will come one day when she snaps out of the fog and suddenly the realization of what she just destroyed hits her.

Your friends and family mean well but it's not to your advantage to go to war or be vindictive.

Infidelity by it's nature is not fair and there is nothing constructive (or to your advantage) that you do about it.

Your best revenge against those that hurt you in life is to live well and be happy.

I agree that her decision to trade her husband and a nice family for a guy 10 years younger is a poor strategy. Some people don't appreciate what they have until it's gone.

I think one of the suggestions was for you to see your doctor. It's not just about STD testing it's to discuss medication to get you through the roller coaster of emotions.

There's short term acting situational specific meds that you can take to get you through these situations where you may break down in front of the kids (or when you become overwhelmed at work).

For example, a 1MG pill of Lorazepam

Don't delay the D. Have the lawyer initiate the D (so the interim separation is part of the D process).

Don't delay on getting her to agree to spousal support, child custody and a division of property etc while she's high on her fantasy.

Hopefully she will agree to terms favorable to you in order to get her freedom asap.

Good luck to you, make sure you tell the kids the truth about why you're divording in a sanitized way like "mommy has a boyfriend".

Stay cool. Play the long game.

Do not blow up her world, yet.

Get the best possible deal out of her you can while her head is up her ass

Once all the ink has dried, let the kids know in an age appropriate way that she had a boyfriend while you were still married. Let her look in their eyes and deal with the consequences.

BucBlitz,

You are correct, Waywards don’t get what the expect, they eventually get what they deserve. It will be the same with your WW.

I disagree with most here on telling the children. In my case, they never asked me so I never volunteered the information. I didn’t see how it would help 6 year olds dealing with the situation. Just do what you think is best for children.

I wish you strength.

Buc,

I have no advice on how to handle the kids, mine were much older, and only one still at home. Since we were attempting R, we told them nothing, but I suspect our youngest was smart enough to know something was going on, but how much I don't know.

All I can tell you is that I've never met a kid that wasn't f-ed up by a divorce , even under the best of amiable circumstances.

Tread carefully, my friend.

"I am however going to keep this very civil with her so it doesn’t become nasty with the kids. I feel like I need to distance myself fully (financially and emotionally) if I’m ever going to rebuild myself a better life. She made the choice that this is the life she wants and I have to accept that. By no means will I just stand by and “wait” for something that I think has already died though."

I couldn't have said it better. She's destroyed any marriage that you had. You now know that she's changed into a different person than you married. She's made her bed with another man and disconnecting emotional and physically is the best thing you can do.

Keeping it civil is a critically important too until everything is separated and the divorce is final. Realize also that, as others have said, she'll be seeing the other man and he'll probably be living with her while you're separated. She chose her selfish desires over you and her children. She's not a good person. Because of her choices, divorce is the only option you have to get free from this.

Most of us get about 30 thousand days on this earth. You have a little over 16 thousand left. You have a lot of good days ahead of you. Don't waste them with someone who would destroy their own children's lives for temporary pleasure. Get yourself out of infidelity as soon as possible and take your life back.

I too fully support immediately starting the divorce process. Separation is a good thing to enable you to distance yourself from her but not as part of the process in decision making.

She is clearly not remorseful, nor even regretful. This was a deliberate, cold and calculating action by her.

You seem well grounded and sensible, just don't be passive. It will only hurt you and the children more if you are indecisive. Show them strength and yourself strength. You be the responsible parent and be proud of it. I would spend little time regretting the loss of her.

The old saying is true: she has shown you who she is, believe her. She may change when she realises the true consequences of her actions and terrible attitude but by then it will likely be too late for you.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 4:30 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]

I know folks have varying views on this and I’m not an expert. Just my own experience - I chose not to tell my then 13 year old even though his mother was a huge serial cheater. I waited until he was old enough at a time I felt he deserved to know why his family as he knew it ended came to an abrupt end. Even then I of course spared the details.

Instead at the time we said it was an adult matter and not relevant and that we both loved him and it would be ok.

In my case it was the right decision. He eventually figured out that unfortunately his mother is cracked, but lots of people have insane parents. He at least got one awesome one - me!

He’s now almost 18, heading to college next year and doing fantastic. He says I did the right thing biting my tongue, even as she spent years bad mouthing me to him.

My experience for your consideration...

He needs to know the truth at some point. I support Ponus' decision but I have seen situations the other way around in my circle of friends.

Pick the right time, tell him don't believe everything she says until he get's your version and then you can modify your version however strongly or weakly you want.

He needs to ultimately know you didn't destroy the family, not unless you want a child harboring a bad image of you for something you didn't do for the rest of your life.

I am 50. I know kids who came from broken familie from their teens. Some still don't know why are one parent is no longer alive to tell their version.

Think hard, think long but do what's best for you because in the end, you owe your ex nothing. You owe yourself and your kids everything, that includes the truth.

Not combating you Ponus because again I respect your decision but it worked for you, maybe not everyone else

BucBlitz, also get your kids some sessions with a child psychologist that specializes with children of divorce. I get that you want to present a "united front" and assure your little ones that both parents still love them and have not changed but the reality is it is your WW that has changed and is still changing. You have no control over her behavior nor her choices especially in physical separation. My XW did the whole getting her own apartment bit as well. She didn't "behave" as promised. As a result, my youngest (who was 8 at the time) had abandonment issues for 3 years since that separation because some nights when my boys were with their mother she would would leave him and my older son (11 at the time) in her apartment without supervision in the middle of the night after they went to sleep while she left to go hang out drinking with the OM and her friends. Can you imagine being 8yrs old and waking up in the middle of the night in an apartment you are not accustomed to, trying to find your way around the dark, looking for mommy but she isn't there? Of course when I got wind if this at the time I told her that it if happened again my attorney would be in touch with her. I should have slammed the hammer down instead and took her ass to court if it wasn't for that "trying to show a united front" mantra in the back of my head.

You see, BucBlitz, infidelity is a different kind of monster. Were your marital situation the kind where you and your wife just didn't get along and there were truly irreconcilable differences then yes, separation has its purpose. But when infidelity is involved, separation is typically used as a tool by the wayward to gain time and space to continue the affair unrestricted. They really aren't interested in R at this stage. You can go ahead and tell her you both cannot "date" during this period and come up with all kinds of restrictions regarding contact with the opposite sex, yada, yada, yada. But, the reality is she has already demonstrated lack of self control and lack of personal boundaries in a marriage with you. She already rationalized breaking those marital vows with you, that part about forsaking all others? Remember that one? Yeah that rationalization hamster is still running in her head. She has already been emboldened to pull one over on you and conduct the A right behind your back. Lying to you at this point is easy for her, especially now that you won't be present as much for her to look into your your face in doing so. She has shown you that she cannot be a safe person for you so whatever makes you think she would honor any of the rules of separation? You are familiar with that marketing term "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas..."? It will be the same as what happens in Mrs. BucBlitz's apartment, stays in her apartment. What makes you think she can be a consistently safe person for you kids? I can promise you that she didn't suddenly grow a conscious about the situation since your Dday (as already evidenced by her waffling over R or D) and is suddenly going to act like a responsible mother and adult. She has already taken risks with the marriage and at her work and has yet to meet consequences for it other than getting more time and space to avoid it. All you are going to get out of separation is a prolonged state of limbo. If you want change in the situation then you need to file for D. It is a process that is driven by a third party of attorney's and the court that follows a procedural timetable for a result. There is no limbo in the D process as it is basically a "shit or get off the pot" decision where you can stop it (if she shows you to be a good candidate for R) or you are hand a finalized decree and given your freedom. Separation born of infidelity is like your WW locking herself in the bathroom while you bang on the door every few minutes asking if she's done already and she repeatedly responds "Not yet!" while taking nude selfies and sending them to her AP.