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I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. Of course so sorry we are here, but so lucky to have such a great support group!

I will be sharing the letter with WW, probably tonight. While I will not force her to responsd, if she decided not to that will be very telling. As many stated, if she truly has changed and is no longer that person, she should put aside her guilt and shame and try to help OM’s DD. I will even offer to help her respond if she wishes. I will respond back with her decision.

Just a couple of thoughts...

What is it that we say around here about expectations being premeditated resentment? If you've already decided that she 'should' respond, then what are the consequences?

If she does decline to reach out to this young woman, would you be open to listening to her reasons and concerns?

If she decides to respond, how does that happen? Does your wife write a letter? Send an email? Call her on the phone, or do they meet in person? Should this young woman be frisked upon arrival?

Don't underestimate how difficult this might be for your wife. In her shoes, what would you do? Would you be willing to meet a young man, in his early twenties, who might want nothing more than to beat the shit out of you?

However this plays out, I'd suggest that the two of you really talk this through and don't make any impulsive decision. Know that I mean?

Heartbreaking.

I'm big on atonement. Perhaps it is grounded in religious principles, however I mean atonement as acknowledgement and reparations for harm done. The admired (and sometimes maligned) 12 step process requires all of those harmed to be contacted.

I'll draw an admittedly poor analogy. A cheating male sperm donor who "fathers" an OC would be liable for child support. I believe your WW should pay for therapy for this woman. A natural consequence of the harm. Atonement and reparation.

Another consequence of an A is exposure. Ask the young woman if it would aid her healing to have you and your WW expose to A to the family that abandoned her.

Bikingguy, try to discern if she has a support system. Do what you can to urge her to get help.

I agree that your WW's handling of this will be a barometer of lots of things.

I think you are doing the right thing by sharing this letter, and you are correct that her response will be telling. Again, just my opinion, but if she doesn't answer, it kind of gives a mirror into her soul.

The one thing I wouldn't do is help her respond. These should be her words and her feelings. This poor girls connection and plea for closure is with your wife, not you. Maybe in the end help tweak her thoughts, but helping her form them, I wouldn't do it.

If for some reason she decides not to answer, I think you should respond to her so she just doesn't get crickets.

I agree with Unhinged that this will be brutal for your wife, but I venture to say that she along with most WS who wanted to reconcile uttered the words that they would spend the rest of their lives making it up to them. Its time to put up or shut up.

Quick T/J but to unhinged, if I had a one night stand and 5 years later the son of the person who I never met wanted to meet me I would probably decline. But if I had a 15 year relationship with him, watching him play baseball, attending his 5 year birthday party, and he wanted to meet me I would. And if he threw a punch I wouldn't even try to block it.

If he wrote a letter like this, pleading for closure, and all I had to do was respond in a heartfelt note to ease the pain of someone I supposedly had real feelings for, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I'm glad you're taking the first step.

This story has occupied my mind throughout the day.

It's heart-wrenching.

However this plays out, I'd suggest that the two of you really talk this through and don't make any impulsive decision. Know that I mean?

I agree with this. This is a very delicate situation. The problem is you don't know how this will play out in the end. Any type of contact could make things better or worse depending. However, I think a simple apology should at least be sent.

I showed WW the letter from OM’s DD last night. I said I had a letter from her that I thought WW needed to read. She was a little shell shocked and speechless. I explained that if she feels she has changed for the better she should put aside her feelings over OM’s DD. She did finally agree and read the letter.

For a little more back ground: OM’s DD discovered the A and confronted OM. OM sent my WW a no contact voice mail that said basically “DD knows, it is over, never contact me again.” We never really knew how much or what OM’s DD knew and WW was at first defensive. WW said “I never knew how she discovered the A (apparently from the letter by seeing photos of my WW nude and other horrible text messages) and didn’t know what she was going through”. I calmly explained that it probably WHY she wrote the letter. She needed WW to know what her and OM’s actions caused and probably wanted an apology

WW even tried to deflect it onto me, by saying “I am worried for you as this resurfaces the whole A”. I imagine a lot of you BS’ might have chuckled at that as I almost did. I again tried to calmly explain that this was not about me but OM’s DD and her feelings, and not to worry as it is almost always “on the surface” for me. I do not possess the ability to compartmentalize like W’s can.

WW did agree to write back, which I am happy for. I do realize how hard this will be for her and I also realize that it will never be enough for OM’s DD. Hell I never got WW to provide me answers to the “why’s” I asked. I will probably respond myself back to OM’s DD to let her know it will be coming, but also to try and recommend IC for her. Thanks again for all your support.

Mods, I am bringing this in to make a point and not to push any doctrine.

I am not Jewish but happened to watch a rabbi explain atonement in his faith. If you sin against God you ask for forgiveness but if you harm another you must atone by asking them directly for their forgiveness.

No man is an island

Entire of itself

Every man is a piece of the continent

A part of the main

If a clod be washed away by the sea

Europe is the less

As well as if a promontory were

As well as if a manor(house) of thr friend’s

Or of thine own

Any man’s death diminishes me

And therefore never send to know for

Whom the bell tolls

It tolls for thee

You wife’s actions and those of this young woman’s father diminishes her. They caused the death of her childhood.

I don’t know that a face to face is helpful but why not a phone call. You and your wife can’t go on with your lives knowing this one person is still in this much pain.

Talk to her mother if you can. She might be able to guide you. A therapist, a pastor might help. You might need an intermediary but sins of omission hurt just as badly

I periodically lurk here, haven't signed in for months, but felt compelled to respond.

WW was at first defensive. WW said “I never knew how she discovered the A (apparently from the letter by seeing photos of my WW nude and other horrible text messages) and didn’t know what she was going through”. I calmly explained that it probably WHY she wrote the letter. ...

WW even tried to deflect it onto me, by saying “I am worried for you as this resurfaces the whole A”.

The WW's response is horribly unempathetic, frankly sociopathic. Given this - a suggestion. Any response from your WW needs to be short and sweet.

"I am deeply sorry I hurt you. Neither you, nor your family deserved any of this."

And leave it at that. Anything else said, given your WW's mindset, will inflict further harm on this young woman's psyche.

I'm not super religious, but this post has me praying today for this young woman - and for you. Wow.

I want to just throw this out there...

Writing out in painful (and sometimes extremely graphic/gory) detail is how I purge my anger. I would never act on anything unless my kids were in eminent danger, but I personally find it to be a relief to give voice to my negative feelings.

I rarely send it to the target, as I usually burn it. I like fire. It's my second favorite thing after the sound of breaking glass (yes, I have anger issues).

I'm glad that your WW read it. I hope the young woman was able to purge her anger.

And I wish all of you the very best.