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This, to me, is so odd that in 30 years she didn't cheat.

43 years. I've bet a lot that she never cheated until the A, because I believe her statements saying she never cheated until 2010.

Sometimes it takes a long time for a person's issues to surface....

Just to let you know the farm needs to go anyway. it is exceptionally difficult to heal and keeping the reminder of the affair will even make it more difficult.

You really must give the farm and its environment a long think…

That’s where you have been for six months. That’s the limit to your history and memories there. Some of those memories will be associated with the OM dealing the with the hay and the projects. There will be houses, stables, hidden spots by the lake… where you will wonder if they went there. These triggers will/might hold you back.

Can you find another hay-dealer? Another handy-man? Can you reside in that area with no interaction with the OM?

With the difficulty in selling old place then maybe a relocation would be in order – IF you two can reconcile.

Notamindreader,

My fww had a 6 month affair 33 years into our marriage.

After she got her head back out of the fantasy cloud, she started to do the work to repair the damage she did to our marriage.

I would have never thought that a long relationship like ours could even be at risk ?

I never questioned anything she said or did for most of our time together. Why would you ?

We both went the R path and it went well.

After the 2nd year of R I had to know that no other A had happened previously.

I required her to take a polygraph and she passed.

This is what happened to me and I hope your WW starts to wake up and smell the coffee.

If not the D option is your only choice.

how are you doing today, notamindreader ?

What was your wife's reaction to your threatening to sell the farm ?

Western, today was pretty good. They come and go. Nights are hardest.

She wasn't panicky when I told her that we'd sell the farm if it didn't work out. She thinks it might be better to sell it no matter what. That's something we'll explore in the upcoming weeks.

Last night I located contact info for the AP's wife. I know everyone here says I should tell her. Haven't done that yet. Going to discuss it with my counselor first.

Don't make the mistake of helping hide their affair from his wife. You just may enable it further. I've seen this happen to many times.

Don't let your fear guide you

[This message edited by Marc878 at 2:28 PM, December 19th (Monday)]

Why are you going to discuss about telling the OBS with your counselor ? Its the right an moral thing to do. If you are entertaining the idea of reconcilation the affair has to end, by telling the OBS, that will do it almost guaranteed. Many counselors will advise not to tell the OBS, because in their mind,YOU, are now meddling in someone elses marriage an that it would only hurt the OBS. Dont fall for that . Tell the OBS. You would want to know an again, its the right an moral thing to do. Stay strong.

Notamindreader, would you prefer to be told by OBS yourself, or to live a lie?

EDIT: And if you decide not to tell another woman, just contemplate: will you be able to look into her eyes if one day life bumps you into each other? Of course, you are not obliged to tell, but it tells a lot about your honesty standards.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 4:13 PM, December 19th (Monday)]

NAMR:

It doesn't seem like there is much remorse! And she thinks it better to sell the farm.... (maybe she just wants to get half of her assets?) Has she done anything to convince you that she want you and not the OM? How do you think that this affair would have ended if you didn't catch her?

NAMR, I don't think she is showing much remorse. What I see is sweeping under the rug. All we're doing now is talking. We're not at reconciliation yet, if we ever get there. In all honesty I'm fairly sure we're heading for D.

What I know now, though, is that I don't have to tackle every challenge in a week. I've read the information on this site obsessively for the last week. I know what needs to be done. Right now I'm done with the depression and self doubt and I'm moving forward

Your counselor will strongly tell you not to expose.

He’s all into helping YOU. Exposure is all about two things: making the affair a bad place to be and doing right by the OMW. Neither helps YOU unless you have some hope of reconciliation. Morally it’s the right thing to do IMHO – both with regards to the other man’s wife but also with regard to your wife…

Your wife might have some romantic vision of the OM. Nothing changes that vision faster than when the OM dumps her to save his marriage. Your marriage might end in divorce but maybe the last favor you do your wife is show her how much the OM really appreciates her. Or not…

[This message edited by Bigger at 6:35 PM, December 19th (Monday)]

Totally agree. You can not let the OM wife believe she is in a good marriage. Chances are the OM will freak out and dump your wife like a hot potato to try and save his own marriage.

That will at least spare you the vacillation of her trying to pick one of you. Put yourself in charge and help the other woman make her choices too. If her husband is a cheat - she deserves to know.

Affairs and the fantasy of them only survive in the secret and the dark. Exposure shines a bright light on that.

Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone. She'll be pissed off but it's better than you getting pissed on.

1) Do you feel the affair is over ?

2) I agree with the others who say to 'expose' and tell the OBS. They deserve to know and even if you are headed for divorce, their relationship should not survive because of how it originated

3) Why do you feel that she's not showing remorse ? Have you asked her why she doesn't care about the pain ?

4) How often to you run into her around the house and have you told him to stay off your property ?

5) I am glad you are moving forward and sound confident. You are handling your situation very, very well despite the betrayal and mindfuck you got

Telling his wife is a really good way to actually find out where your wife stands. If the Posom gets in touch with her after you expose him she will have a hard time hiding that. Many wayward wives pitch a screaming fit betraying their real feelings. She may already know he won't leave his wife and is resigned to staying with you.

Exposing the OM blows things up and makes it easier to see through the fog.

expose because somewhere

some woman sitting there wondering why hes acting that way, whats wrong, and is whatever is going on her fault.

shes got no idea her husband is putting her life at peril (cheating can bring back diseases to the faithful spouse).

your wife participated in blowing this ladies life to hell and as a bare minimum you owe it to her to tell her the truth as a fellow human being, especially one thats going through what you are but doesnt know it.

or would you argue that you wish you didnt know so your wife was still seeing OM and having sex with him without your knowledge?

William,

I wouldn't argue one way or the other. I never said I wouldn't expose the affair, what I said was I was going wait a few days. I appreciate your concern, but at my present emotional state I think I need to be able to pace out my confrontations a bit.

I agree with pacing out confrontations. It sounds as though you have a gameplan and that is great.

What is she doing that is not showing you remorse ?

Keep in mind as many here would tell you, I am not pro-reconciliation though I have softened my tone and 30 years is a hard pill to swallow.

It sounds as though she's not giving you what you need to heal.

Is the other man gone ?

Does she feel entitled to the affair ?

Is a physical affair a dealbreaker for you ?

(nothing wrong if it is, because it was for me)

You have handled this well. As good as could be expected. There's a lot on your plate.

I hope things are going better for you. You didn't deserve this and we are still here for you.

Let us know how you are doing

I don't think she is showing much remorse. What I see is sweeping under the rug. All we're doing now is talking. We're not at reconciliation yet, if we ever get there.

She is probably thinking you are bluffing.

As a rule of thumb you tell them you are getting a divorce then wait and see if they try to stop you (even if you don't want a D). Right now it doesn't seem like she thinks you'll do it so pull the rug from her and make her work her way back. If she doesn't then you know for sure that D is the right option.