SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ineed, your composure is commendable.

I admire your level-headedness in the face of gut-wrenching revelations that would have sent most men into a careening rage.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:02 PM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

agreed with oftencheatenon

Hi all. Happy thanksgiving eve.

DDs made it here safely. Been busy getting them settled into their old rooms and walking around our property. They always want to visit the animals first thing when they come home. We haven’t talked about the separation yet. I think everyone is tired and willing to leave that discussion until tomorrow.

A couple of folks asked how my lawyer’s review of the finances is going. I checked with him today and he is still trying to unravel some things. He and my CPA are actually working together. I don’t expect them to finish that task until after the holiday.

According to my state, WW and I have been separated since she left the house. Strictly speaking, no legal documentation is required. However, I told the lawyer that I would like to proceed with a Separation Agreement and Property Settlement papers. Addressing and formalizing these issues early has two potential advantages. As many people pointed out, WW may be more generous right now. Also, and more importantly, settling these issues will allow me to focus on the relationship and where I want to go with it. If an out of court settlement can be reached, it is binding and would not need to be readdressed if we decide to divorce later.

As I reread that last paragraph, it sounds kind of heartless and detached. But, I think that may just be the engineer in me requiring one problem to be solved before moving on to the next.

Oh, I think Western asked where I am on the East Coast. Mid Atlantic, Appalachian foothills.

Time for bed. The turkey is thawing and the fire extinguishers are standing by. Hope all of my American friends have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow.

[This message edited by AmbivalentOne at 9:16 PM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

As I reread that last paragraph, it sounds kind of heartless and detached

No where near as heartless and detached as your adulterous wife. You are doing great. That analytical mind is serving you well.

The anger will come later, plenty of time for that in the future. For now just enjoy your time with the kids.

Hey there,

I understand that you’ve made an appointment with an IC. YOP (yearsofpain) kindly helped me find a post on choosing an IC; I (and he) has bumped it for you (in General). Choosing an IC can be tricky, and the first one may not work out, so hopefully this post can help.

I understand that you may feel the need to move quickly on a formal separation agreement. I am concerned that this could backfire on you if you do it too soon. Your wife has left voluntarily, but she may feel shocked at receiving legal separation papers. Many people would rationally respond by retaining a lawyer themselves, which could simply escalate the divorce. Most lawyers will encourage people to fight. This in turn could drain a lot of time and energy away from you, jumping right into a fight over property when you’re still in the shock stage.

I’d strongly encourage you to at least visit with your IC a couple times before you file. What difference will a couple weeks make?

For the record, I am not pro reconciliation, nor pro divorce. I have no agenda other than to support others. I feel especially badly because I can see that many posters here are strongly encouraging you to cut and run - which runs contrary to advice the SI staff suggest:

5. Don't take advice from people that... immediately say "cut and run...". They are not in your shoes and do not know your history and/or investment with your relationship.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your daughters!

HPV50,

I say this with all due respect but recommending Simone not file proper legal paperwork is very delinquent advice. While it may be the opinion (even of A1) that she would not drain finances or obtain a lawyer of her own that doesn’t not mean that it cannot happen. This is his only way to protect himself.

Additionally, in the big picture lawyers are not going to ‘cost’ him more. If she obtains a lawyer of her own then All she will get is what she is legally entitled to. I’m complex matters such as this there is no way that mediation would ever suffice except perhaps for agreement in generalities.

Stay in the catbird seat.

Should you decide to R, the post-nup should reflect her years-long deceit.

Even separation terms should unabashedly provide her only the bare minimum.

[This message edited by parent4 at 6:35 AM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

Hey have a great Thanksgiving, A1. Focus on your daughters and if the topic comes up, just be truthful and not pay cover for the WW as who knows what they will hear from her.

You are a good man and deserve a peaceful holiday.

Appalachian foothills. Yep, that's where I am from too. In Maryland. IMO you stand a better chance in the Mid-Atlantic (WVA, VA, MD, PA) than you would have in the Northeast. I hope it's not NY but even if it is, you can still be taken good care of with a shark of an attorney if you need to go that route (hopefully you don't). I am relieved about this, not saying that everything is going to turn out roses and happy times. But you are a man of intelligence and courage. You will be fine.

Turkey, football and family. What's better than that ??

[This message edited by Western at 7:07 AM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

AO despite what's going on I hope you have a good Thanksgiving with your daughters.

Please continue to take care of yourself as well.

Everyone else have a good Thanksgiving as well.

I have heard that unlike in New England they do not do a good job in deicing roads down there. Have the time thrown a curve ball in your infidelity case?

[This message edited by goalong at 8:14 AM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

you too Booyah

I want to give you a couple of things to ponder on.

One thing I have realized is that there is little – if any – revenge available to you. There really is no way you can cause your wife pain of the intensity she’s caused you. There is nothing you can do that will ever make you feel even. If this ends in divorce then that’s OK. Your “revenge” per se will be you living a good life and not spending too much time thinking about her.

You can’t punish her either. Not punishing is not the same as accepting, forgetting or forgiving her affair. It simply means that if you decide to divorce you simply walk away from her and no longer let her impact your life. It means that if you reconcile then all actions are towards reconciliation and not punishment. For example: If you need her to be accountable and have all media open it’s not a form of punishment, but a necessity for regaining trust.

I think getting your ducks in a row is a great idea. I think the work the attorney and the CPA are putting in will be worth it no matter how this goes. But I want to ONCE AGAIN strongly suggest you use your greatest asset: TIME. Since the separation will be dated from when she left and she’s got space at her sisters then you have at least a couple of weeks to see how things go.

You could have the attorney spend a couple of hours at $$$ to draft up a separation agreement. Your wife would be dumb to sign it without consulting with HER attorney. If I was her brother I would be scolding her for her actions, but I would be behind her back and looking out for her interest. I think a calmer, more thought-out approach to a formal separation agreement would probably benefit you, both in its content and its cost.

Back when I separated from my fiancé I think I did the near-perfect detachment and NC. There was one thing I did that I still regret and in retrospect wish I had never done. We were only 5 weeks (actually 4 weeks and 6 days…) from our wedding. I sent a card to the guest-list that said something along the lines of “There might be a marriage but what is 100% clear is that Bigger will not be there. Maybe the man I caught in bed with her might show up”.

That gave me satisfaction for maybe a week, but remorse for about 30 years. Sure, compared to the pain she caused then this was small fry, but I am better than that. I should never have stooped so low.

Go through this with dignity and thoughtfulness and you will feel better about everything some years down the road.

Wow, I just wish some of the posters here showed the same composure as Dazed and Confused. You are an admirable man, staying grounded despite everything that has been thrown at you.

To me the purpose of this site is to assist the BS to survive infidelity, not to rub his nose in it. You have received some great advice here, I have every faith in you to sort the wheat from the chaff.

If in doubt read Bigger.

Good luck man. Your daughters are real stars.

Noone has rubbed anyone's nose into anything today, Sorrowful.

We all support A1 and we all have him in our prayers.

My problem with this thread is that some people are butthurt over people expressing their opinions. Isn't that the purpose of this site ?

A1, if you read this, I hope today was an incredible relief for you and you enjoyed your time with your family. If anyone deserves it at this point, it is you bro.

March forward, enjoy yourself and keep on your path.

For anyone who thinks A1 has taken crap, look at SWAT70's thread. He was attacked as the original poster. Noone has attacked A1. Yes people have choice words about his wife but guess what ? She's not the victim

T/J over

A1, let us know how things went today. Your thread strikes a chord with all of us. We are invested in your story but at the same time admire your courage and can't wait to see you succeed in your goals. Good luck man

[This message edited by Western at 7:06 PM, November 23rd (Thursday)]

T/j,

Speaking of revenge, Bigger, it was an element in my situation--and it felt damn good.

I agree that A1 has few options along that line, except perhaps in S or D.

At any rate, A1, you're doing a bang-up job keeping it together.

I agree Midnightrun.

I am not opposed to a degree of revenge at times. I don't support revenge affairs but with exposure and the 180, I think a degree of revenge can be productive but that's my opinion

Can't let this thread fall off page 1 so bump

Just checking in. Having a very nice holiday with my DDs. Turkey frying was a success! I ate my first meal with real food in a week yesterday. DD2 and I were up early and went hunting today...a long standing tradition. DD2 has always been more of a daddy’s girl anyway. Didn’t bag anything, but had plenty of time to talk. DD2 is significantly more angry about WW’s affair than DD1. In fact, DD2 still refuses to talk to her mother.

DD1 visited WW and SIL this morning while we were hunting. She didn’t say much about her visit, so I don’t know what was discussed.

The girls are planning to come back and spend the week between Christmas and New Years with me. I am relieved. I was dreading that time period alone. I don’t know what I would do without them. We finished up tonight by watching “A Christmas Story” and “Elf” together. DD1 is heading back home tomorrow. DD2 is staying until Sunday.

Hoping to see some results from the lawyer early next week. I will be traveling for business the second half of the week, so won’t be able to meet with him after Tuesday.

Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving.

You are doing well under such horrible circumstances especially during the holidays.