SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Family traditions are so important and I'm impressed that you kept them alive with your daughters. It can be difficult during times like these. I'm happy to hear you're enjoying yourself.

I just had a thought. If you go to church on Sunday and your WW isn't with you again will people start getting curious? I only ask so you can be prepared to respond in any way you see fit.

Take care!

[This message edited by HopeFloats2272 at 10:01 AM, November 25th (Saturday)]

Glad you had a solid Thanksgiving, and it's likely that ww apologized profusely to D1 during the visit to SIL.

Hope - Good question. I think I will send her an email and ask which service she is attending so that I can attend the other. If we attend different services there will be fewer questions than if one of us is not there.

My recommendation is to tell her which one you are going to and ask that she finds a different one to go to.

It might seem to be petty but then again you weren’t the one who cheated for basically half your marriage. She should be the one inconvenienced.

One other thought, let her know when you’ll be at mass and also let her know that you will be out for a few hours afterwards if she needs to pickup anything at the house. Request that she not use this as an opportunity to break No

Contact and that you really want her not there when you get back.

Or ask if she could send her sister over to pick up anything that she needs.

Also, she might seek pastoral counseling from your minister. Should you seek similar counseling, consider another minister within the denomination.

You appear to be doing well AO regardless of the position you’re in.

Anyway, I hope you continue to disregard both the pro-R and pro-D forces on your thread. To this end, I hope you’re able to find an IC that specializes in infidelity able to provide a truly independent view regarding your particular fact pattern. In my opinion, what you require at this time is a neutral party; that is someone trying truly objectivel regarding your face pattern. For better, or worse, I don’t think you’ll find that here.

Furthermore, while a pastoral counseling may seem a natural first step to reach out to... if you do engage such a person, I hope you at least consider whether or not such personnel is more motivated by the word than your personal happeniness.

I’m divorced, and I found that my best counselor was a person that personally challenged me to come up with my own beliefs, and religion, regardless of their own personal belief system. In my opinion, we must each find, and understand, our own Weltanschaung. Please do not allow the pro-D, or pro-R, forces here dissuade from discovering your own.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 4:16 AM, November 26th (Sunday)]

It sounds like you are being patient right now which is good. Hopefully you can hold out and detatch enough to assess things unemotionally. Well, that's the idea I guess. If she has been a good mum she probably deserves making up with the kids.

AO, you’re doing great. So glad to hear you were able to have your DDs with you for the holiday. They sound like great girls.

A1,

This is not a threadjack but offering a different opinion.

Opposite of Drumstick's post, it is obvious to me that you aren't ignoring anyone on this thread as many on either side, the Pro-R and Pro-D or the 'take your time and don't decide anythingers' are all bringing up good points. And you are wise to consider it all.

It is also obvious to me that you are a calculated individual and will analyze all options, as you should, and come up with a solution that will fit you.

Personally, you are holding up remarkably well through the holidays and I don't know how you could be the recipient of such an enormous shit sandwich and maintain your composure the way you did/are.

I have three questions.

First, did you email her and ask her to attend a different service ?

Secondly, you said DD2 is closer to you and has your back which I feel is a good thing, a very good thing and I hope you don't see it as your job to fix her relationship with her mom because that's her Mom's job as her Mom betrayed her too. So many BS try to stand up for the WW to the kids which I have always felt is counter-productive and works against the BS's interests. Now to my question. Why is DD1 more indifferent to the situation that DD2 and does that concern you in any way ?

Question 3 is are you wondering what occurred during the meeting between DD1 and WW ? Like what was said ?

DD2 left for school this afternoon. A little lonely now that they are both gone. But only a month until they visit for winter break.

Western: I did email WW. We have agreed to attend different services for now. She was agreeable.

DD1 is very much upset with WW. She is just a little less emotional than DD2. And a little more mature. I suspect she wanted more information than I was willing to give and went straight to the source. We did not discuss their conversation. That is between them. But, in her own way, DD1 has been just as supportive as DD2.

While I have the highest respect for ou minister, I don’t think I want to discuss WWs affair with him. I don’t know if he could be entirely objective since he knows us both so well. I have an appointment with a therapist recommended by my physician one week from Monday. I was unable to schedule for this week due to a business trip.

AO, i know you have had very little contact with WW! Has she shown any other signs of remorse and willingness to do the work if R is a possibility or your decision to attempt?

While I have the highest respect for ou minister, I don’t think I want to discuss WWs affair with him. I don’t know if he could be entirely objective since he knows us both so well. I have an appointment with a therapist recommended by my physician one week from Monday. I was unable to schedule for this week due to a business trip.

Most pastors and ministers have very little experience with infidelity.

You're smart not to get them in the mix

Most pastors and ministers have very little experience with infidelity.

This isn't necessarily true. While they are rare, my pastor was amazing.

In the end though, you decide who you want to know about it. Personally, i told the whole world and sure felt better!

AO, if the pastor is the "shepherd of the flock", he should be aware of what you are going through. You don't necessarily need him to counsel you, but he can offer you whatever support you may be looking for. Things like this will become known to the church and rumors will start. People will start asking questions when they don't see you together. Expect it.

Again,

You're handling this extremely well, setting a sterling example for your daughters on how to operate under tragic circumstances.

The family dynamic has been messed up. Your daughters probably want to help, but they are lacking a little experience for that. The younger one is probably masking her feelings because she wants to be like mum. My only suggestion is to clarify that you are still mum and dad and nothing can change that. Affairs can really confuse teenagers. i.e; If mom is so great then why did she cheat? Am I the same as Mum? Is it ok to cheat if you are not satisfied? etc etc. It is tempting to put them in the "yes" or "no" camp but it is as much about their identity as yours.

update ?

Busy couple of days. Small update. Lawyer finally untangled my finances and put together a preliminary separation agreement and property settlement. I met with WW this afternoon at a coffee shop to discuss the paperwork and our living arrangements. She was a surprised by the papers and started crying. I explained that I would not be able to focus on moving forward without some assurance of fiscal stability. She took the mention of D pretty hard. Said she couldn’t imagine that happening and that she would do anything to prevent it. I don’t think she had seriously considered divorce as a final outcome. I asked her to take her copy of the papers and read through them. And that she should consider having a lawyer look at them with her.

Once she pulled it back together, she asked what she could do to help me. I asked for continued limited contact. I told her I would be starting IC next week and I might be ready to talk more after a few sessions. She was hurt when I wouldn’t hug her or say I love you back.

The meeting only lasted 30 minutes but was exhausting. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. Got to get some sleep. Plane leaves early tomorrow.

You're handling things in texbook fashion, and serving as a model for BS's.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:55 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]