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SG,

I was wondering how you could really guage if she was remorseful and not simply regretful. There is really only one way she can act if she is finally realizing what this has done to you, and not what this has done to her.

She should calmly let you go, allow you to get back a life you can be secure in. Its called taking responsibility for her actions.

Anything less would only be about her.

Be well.

Great responses from everyone to Spaceguy. So sorry to see so many of us BS's out there. Thank you all for reminding me that the affair had nothing to do with me. I needed that today.

I Had a talk with the wife and it was very sad. She was telling the truth as far as I can tell. There is more talking to come but it was a start. She blamed herself and not me. She is in counseling and so she is trying to figure out what went wrong in her head. I do feel bad for her.

She kept saying she never told him that she loved him. She said she would never leave me and he knew that. For some reason she thinks telling a person you love them is worse than having sex with them??? I Told her having sex is far worse to me. She wanted to come clean but knew I would divorce her so she kept lying. I Believe her since it is true.

She wants to stay together and will prove her love. I Told her I need to let her have a chance with someone else and I need to start with someone new. I Told her I would always worry the sex with him was better. That she would always look back with those stolen moments with fondness or wanting that feeling I could not provide for her. She said our sex life was much better and it was not me it was "Her" that let "Her" down. She said I had to know our sex life was not the problem. I Told her if it wasn't then why cheat? She said that is why she's in counseling.

I said I need a divorce. If she could cheat and not lose me then she would do it again. I told her I wanted to date others and have sex with others just like she did and I cant do that while I am married. I told her for us to get back together I would have to leave and be gone for 1 to 2 years. So I would know she wanted to be with me. She did not like that at all. I Also said I probably would never be back. She got upset and we stopped talking for the night.

I will have more later. OM left her a message asking what I told his wife. LOL he is under the gun I Guess. She has not talked to him and says she will not. I will have more later. Just wanted to give an update.

Tough days, SG. Thinking about you guys...

She is in counseling and so she is trying to figure out what went wrong in her head.

*sigh*

Worthless information. It's her actions that killed the marriage, not her desires.

OM left her a message asking what I told his wife. LOL he is under the gun I Guess.

Heh

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 12:26 PM, February 16th (Monday)]

For some reason she thinks telling a person you love them is worse than having sex with them???

Woman usually think the emotional is worse than the sexual. And it is the opposite for a man.

Sounds like what she is saying is common truths, the affair had nothing to do with the sex, and nothing to do with you.

The why have sex, is to keep the affair alive. It was not about sex at all, it was all about the affair.

The excitement of the affair, attention and validation. Sex had nothing to do with her affair other than to keep it going.

When the OM emailed or texted her, you should have answered it. Make the OM feel about as small as possible, like he deserves to feel.

Well SG, I feel the same way as your wife. To me, loving someone else is far worse than just f-ing. My H had an EA. He was "in love". He wanted to f (I guess in his mind that would be "make love to her") but she had "friend-zoned" him and only tried to break up our m to keep him doing stuff for her (money, drugs, attention). I would have preferred he had just had cheap sex with her - used her to get off - not give her his heart. But I think that may be a gender thing. I also know that all betrayal hurts and that the just sex thing would have hurt too - I just don't KNOW that since I didn't experience it.

I feel bad for your wife. She doesn't seem as evil as most waywards but I applaud you staying true to your convictions. Why drag out attempts at R if it's not what you want? You have a solid understanding of who you are and what you need.

Sorry for your loss SG. It sucks.

I'm so sorry. I guess it's true that there are no answers that will make any of this better or less painful.

Good for you for holding strong on your position. If you know it's a deal breaker, then so be it. You know what you need in order to heal and you deserve healing, peace, and happiness.

How are your kids doing? Their lives have been shattered too. I wish all of you the very best.

Told her I would always worry the sex with him was better

It wasn't.

That she would always look back with those stolen moments with fondness

With counseling she will look back on those moments with revulsion and disgust.

She said our sex life was much better

Honestly, SpaceGhost0007, believe her. It wasn't the sex.

I Told her if it wasn't then why cheat? She said that is why she's in counseling.

She's right, here.

If she could cheat and not lose me then she would do it again.

If she gets to the root of the problem using IC as the digging tool then this is not certain, in fact, the opposite is true. She doesn't want to lose you now. She may or may not decide to A again under the same circumstances. With counseling she can get to the point where any possible A is stopped in its tracks _by_her_.

I told her I wanted to date others and have sex with others just like she did and I cant do that while I am married.

SpaceGhost0007, I respect you and you respect yourself. This is a revenge affair you're talking about. The "just like she did" is the clue. You want her to hurt the same way you do and you can't do that while being married, so...

Don't sell yourself short by going out to have sex with others just to have sex with others. It ultimately diminishes us.

I would have to leave and be gone for 1 to 2 years. So I would know she wanted to be with me.

She's showing she wants to be with you by already going to counseling. She is already trying to fix herself, to be the wife you want and need. Whether or not you D at least recognize that she's trying. That does not mean you must forgive, but recognize it.

OM left her a message asking what I told his wife. LOL he is under the gun I Guess. She has not talked to him and says she will not.

She's apparently going NC by choice. Good sign. The OM is getting shit from OBS. Very satisfying sign.

I acknowledge that you believe that you must divorce. Your choice, totally. You've shown such restraint through this whole thing. Keep up the actions that respect others and respect you.

Thanks for the update! strength

EDIT: Comment on the sex vs. love, which is worse discussion above

For me xWGF falling "in love" with the OM&OMW was the killer. Sex can be just sex, but once emotions are involved there's no way the BS can win. Sexual relationships can be dropped in a moment, emotional ones not.

[This message edited by devotedman at 12:37 PM, February 16th (Monday)]

She wanted to come clean but knew I would divorce her so she kept lying.

This says it all.

She knew you'd leave but she did it anyway.

I guess she just didn't care enough.

Again, you are everything I wish I could have been after Dday.

But I wish it were not something you have to do.

How can she not speak to him if she works for him?

Glad you took a little pleasure in causing the OM discomfort. LOL, indeed!

I got the whole *I didn't love him* also. That, to me, was worse. It made me wonder just how much she really valued me if she was willing to play pick a hole with some other guy.

Strength brother

No love, just sex?

How many other affairs you don't know about?

My thoughts are with you. I know that was/is a hard conversation to have.

I am in therapy is not an answer.

Strenght my friend.

I'm glad you stood your ground. You seem to be handling this very well, given the circumstances. Best wishes!

Space Ghost

Tough day I am sure. And there will be more

Everything she said comes out of the chesters handbook 101.

The sex was bad, but she kept doing it and would still be at it if not caught . She obviously thought what she was doing was not that bad since she did not tell him she loved him. No, she told him she'd never leave you but would continue to fuck him regularly because it was "fun" .

The statement she did not tell you because she was afraid if she told you you'd divorce her is laughable. That would be understandable IF she had done it once, realized the mistake , and ended it right there. That ain't what happened!!!

She took a month off from work, but won't talk to OM . How does that work after the month is over?? thenchances are if this guy is loaded his wife may swallow her pride .

You already have some advice that already has made her a "saintly" WW and has you on the road to R here minutes after you posted . I hope you reject that .

You made the statement from the initial post about what the outcome here was going to be and I hope people will support you in that decision and stop with he advice on how you can save a marriage you do not want to save at this point . Your wife made her bed and you doing what you said you are going to do is not seeking a revenge affair .

I do think her tone may change now that she realizes the game did not work . Obviously if you post there may be more information. And your wife can also thank Her friend for all the great guidance she got on how to continue to lie to you.

You are a strong man . Stick to your guns and do what is right for you. Her IC is not going to fix what is fucked up in her thinking anytime soon.

I would have to leave and be gone for 1 to 2 years. So I would know she wanted to be with me.

In the early days I remember thinking along the lines "let's just divorce because that's the only punishment that fits this crime, then we can stay together and see about remarrying a couple of years down the line." That didn't happen, but I think it's perfectly normal to want to end the marriage that has been so defiled and damaged, even if a big part of you doesn't really want to end the relationship itself.

With some time and clarity, I've come to the conclusion that while this type of thinking is probably normal, it's wrongheaded. Because divorce should be treated like it's final and forever. There are no guarantees that a marriage or relationship will ever restart/renew after divorce. Do this only if you truly want your relationship with her to end, forever.

And you'd be surprised - some marriages not only heal after infidelity, they heal spectacularly. I'm only two years out, but so far reconciliation is going well and I'm becoming a lot more optimistic about the marriage I see developing than I was about the one I was in even before I knew she was cheating. Back then I settled; now I don't. That probably doesn't make any sense to you at all coming from a man who is still with the woman who betrayed him because that sounds like the very definition of "settling," but in time I think you'll come to see what I'm talking about. Settling or refusing to settle is more about your relationship with yourself and others, setting and enforcing boundaries (or not), and pursuing a life that you find fulfilling (or not). If you think that R is a possibility - and judging by the quoted text and other things you've said here, you do think it is - then a divorce is a waste of time, potentially dangerous, and just a bad idea.

Whatever happens, I'm sorry you find yourself here but am glad to see that you've gotten tremendous support from the SI community.

I told her I wanted to date others and have sex with others just like she did and I cant do that while I am married.

There is a lot going on in your mind right now and understandably so. But dont get divorced just because you want to go out and have sex with others just like she did.

Because it will never be the same.

She did not have sex for the sex. I have read from numerous WWs on here that the sex was the worst part of the affair, they could not wait for the sex part to be over.

The affairs were for other reasons and sex had nothing to do with it.

I know there is a lot going through your mind, but dont get divorced just so you can have sex with other woman, unless you really want to be single and live the single life again.

A false assumption that WW did not love you.

Banging other woman after you divorce will never make your WW get unbanged by the OM.

Also after banging a truck load of women will not remove the hurt you have as a result of her affair.

You would be best served to slow down your decision making process an act from calmness instead of anger.

There are many things that need to be considered and weighed carefully.

Also after banging a truck load of women will not remove the hurt you have as a result of her affair.

But he will have banged a truckload of women.

She did not have sex for the sex. I have read from numerous WWs on here that the sex was the worst part of the affair, they could not wait for the sex part to be over.

Then why have sex over and over again.

If she did not want to then she would not have had sex with OM.

Sorry but in my opinion that just doesn't fly. My fWW would tell me no pre A because she did not want to have sex. She sure could have exercised that option with OM. Sorry not buying it.

The affairs were for other reasons and sex had nothing to do with it.

And yet she drove 200 miles to a hotel for sex and shaved herself like a porn star and bought new lingerie.

Still not buying it.