SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The why. I have been reading here about 9 months. I have yet to read one that made sense in a way that would explain much. I think it is a dead end

Agreed, what fucking difference does it make? There may a million reasons 'why' someone cheats but the truth is that cheating never resolves the 'why', it NEVER solves anything, it NEVER makes anything better, it ONLY serves to create more chaos, turmoil, and anguish.

SG, you have gotten yourself out of the hell from her infidelity. Now you are getting yourself out of the marriage. Judging from your last post you still have some questions to ask, information to ponder, viewpoints to digest. As decisive as you are, perhaps you just need some validation for your decision. After all, it is a very big decision. I understand where you are coming from as I divorced my XW for the same grounds as you stated for your deal breaker. I'm not going to try and change your mind. You just want to be certain in your gut that it is right decision and the only way to feel right about it is to give yourself time to let it sink in. You still have some things to process in your heart and mind. We are here to help you and provide all viewpoints and insight.

Also come visit us men the in the Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum. The fellas there are really good at bouncing thoughts and feelings off each other. It's like a think tank on infidelity for the men, a bank of wisdom on both D and R. Plus, you get some damn good recommendations on beer. Come hang out with us when you are ready.

I am surprised at the number of people that have never heard that WW's will gladly give up sex to have emotional needs met. And OM will meet emotional needs to keep getting sex.

Ah, the Emotional Need! Old friend of every WW, and every BS desperately looking for a justification of some kind to begin R!

It's such a brilliant concept because it includes everything and nothing at the same time, so you can use it in any occasion, it's a bit like the color black, it looks good on everything.

Problem is: getting attention might be a need if you don't get any or enough of it.

There is nothing in this story, in what he says, in what she claims, that would indicate she wasn't getting enough attention.

So this craving for more attention isn't really about meeting a need, but about meeting a selfish want (like a child wanting more ice cream after alreay eating one) or is due to a pathological condition (an excessive greed for attention, and if that is the case, the chance this wasn't the only time something like this happened is quite high)

Excuse this little semi T/J, but the use of the term NEED is quite abused these days, and in this context is designed to try to cut down on the moral weight of the betrayal.

Infidelity was a "deal breaker" for almost everyone on this site until it happened. Its a bit like a pacifist opposed to violence being put in a warzone. You don't know how or what you will do until it happens to you.

Whatever you do or decide you have our support. I'd suggest stopping by the menz thread in the I can relate forum.

It is normal for a ww to have a script. Trickle truth, foggy thinking, lies, justifications, deflection, self serving revisionist history, trying to get you to "fight" to save the marriage (putting the onus on you, getting to play drama lhama or cake eat, etc). This stuff is often as bad as the betrayal itself.

For many women, the emotional side of the affair or enduring an emotional affair against them is worse than physical.

You are like me, the physical side is worse. Good for you to point that out to her.

Regarding the conversation of wanting to stay together, I agree and disagree. The concern of ‘sex being better with the other guy’ is a legitimate one as I would have the same thoughts and the mind movies would be going at 100 mph. She is probably right that things were better with you although no one can be sure because she will say anything at this point. Also very good to point out if she could cheat and not lose you, she would do it again. I truly believe this is a strong possibility but not a definitive one. Now here comes the disagreement. On one hand, good for you in not having an exit affair. HOWEVER, I kind of see telling her “I want to date and have sex with others and be gone for 1 to 2 years” as pushing salt in the wound when she’s already reeling and trying very hard to make it up to you. I AM NOT saying to reconcile. I am saying that you keep stating that you still care for her but that line showed the opposite that someone who does care would do. Maybe the moment got the best of you and you had a chance to get a dig in but that one could take a respectful breakup and turn it into a war. There’s honesty and then there is a statement like that. Further, have to be gone for 1-2 years doesn’t make any sense (I agree with Sal1995 on this aspect of it, though agree with you regarding being against reconciliation). You either R or divorce and move on. This ‘let’s take a break’ crap rarely works for multitudes of reasons. Sal1995 said this “Hell, they're dealbreakers for everyone...until they're not. I don't know too many men or women who like the idea of being lied to while someone else screws your spouse.

My advice to SG was based on his suggestion that maybe he could divorce his wife, sleep around a bit, and see where they are in a year or two.

I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to divorce her and have as little to do with her in the future as possible. Wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to date other women now that his wife has shattered their marriage vows. But I get the feeling that he wants to leave the R door cracked open just a bit. His own words indicate as much. If R is even a possibility, doubling down on the destruction (like divorcing, banging other babes) is not the best move.

If you divorce, it should be for no other reason that wanting to divorce and end the relationship so you can move on with your life. Having any other agenda - including one that contemplates R down the line - is just a bad idea IMO.

And I completely agree with him !!!

Otherwise good job in protecting yourself. Did she say how long it went on for ?

Regarding follow up comments, I agree with much of what Devotedman said until his edit. Yes, emotional relationships are harder to drop than sexual ones but I disagree that sexual ones aren’t as bad. Sex isn’t just ‘sex’, it’s cheating and a deal breaker for most. However, for him it may be different. Otherwise, he is a great poster here and usually is right on most things.

I also give kudos to Italianjob for hitting the nail on the head throughout his entire post.

SG, you handled this situation better than just about anyone I know ever did. Good for you to push on towards divorce and I hope you enjoy the rest of your life

Italianjob is right then he says

Ah, the Emotional Need! Old friend of every WW, and every BS desperately looking for a justification of some kind to begin R!

It's such a brilliant concept because it includes everything and nothing at the same time, so you can use it in any occasion, it's a bit like the color black, it looks good on everything.

Problem is: getting attention might be a need if you don't get any or enough of it.

There is nothing in this story, in what he says, in what she claims, that would indicate she wasn't getting enough attention.

So this craving for more attention isn't really about meeting a need, but about meeting a selfish want (like a child wanting more ice cream after alreay eating one) or is due to a pathological condition (an excessive greed for attention, and if that is the case, the chance this wasn't the only time something like this happened is quite high)

Excuse this little semi T/J, but the use of the term NEED is quite abused these days, and in this context is designed to try to cut down on the moral weight of the betrayal.

The emotional need argument igets old and is a weak justification for cheating. It's a coverall for BS

[This message edited by Western at 6:01 AM, February 17th (Tuesday)]

Wow a lot since my last post. I Can understand why people change their mind when hit with this. My wife is not a horrible person. She is human and made some very bad choices.

Of course she lied to me. But I also know why she did. I Have read some threads and my WW is not like a lot of cheating wives. She is sorry and she is sincere about it. She agreed to take a polygraph after our talks. I believe her and she is doing her best to try and keep me.

And yes I do want to date others. I Do not want to cheat so I will have to divorce first. I Am not a martyr and I don't intend to wait for years to find myself I just want to have fun and enjoy my life a little. My self esteem has taken a big hit.

Years ago we were watching one of her talk shows and they had a married guy who was sleeping with other women and he said he wanted the sex with these women. Of course almost all female audience really gave it to him. Called him a pig since it was for Sex. The Last 30 minutes had a woman on there she was cheating on her husband doing the same thing the guy did. She simply says her husband "just wasn't there for her". All the women just nodded their heads and sympathized with her. No one called her a pig even though she didn't explain how he wasn't there. So I get women do this for other reasons. For me I get that but when you have his Dick in your mouth or he is plowing you like an Iowa corn field well you have gone way past it just happened.

I Was in my marriage and I treated her well. I didn't want to lose her. She treated me well also. My having to travel a little changed the dynamic and she is at fault for screwing another guy. I actually believe her that the sex with me was better. And she did not love him. It was about the other things.

But that doesn't change things. She banged another man knowing if I found out it would be the end. I Cannot stay married knowing that. I want to set both of us free to see what we find out there.

My thought is to sell our home and move south. She wants to stay where we are and try again. I have told her I am moving and we won't be around each other to see us dating others when we are divorced. So I am hoping it will be easier for both of us.

I can see how much she loves me. She is really hurting right now and wants a chance. She even told me her friend had been supportive of the affair. She did not know that I had heard conversations between them

She is a good person who made horrible choices. Now we both have to live with those choices. I Understand people get closer than they intended to and as long as she didn't have his Dick in her I may have forgiven the other things. But his Dick didn't just happen to get inside her. So in that regard I dont really care about the reasons. She went past the point where she could save our marriage.

You have made it clear that you still love and care for your wife; you just cannot accept her adultery. Just be sure that after the divorce, if your ex-wife falls in love with a great guy and you haven't found the woman of your dreams, that you can handle it.

Quite a few years ago a BH posting on SI was in that situation. He ended up asking his ex-WW to give their relationship another chance. His cheating ex now had the luxury of 2 men to pick from. Rather unfair; definitely humiliating.

Problem is: getting attention might be a need if you don't get any or enough of it.

There is nothing in this story, in what he says, in what she claims, that would indicate she wasn't getting enough attention.

First everyone likes hearing compliments. This lays the first step onto the slippery slope to having an affair. A maneuver used well by predatory OM.

Second many things need to be done to affair proof a marriage.

One big thing is for neither spouse to spend nights apart. It creates conditions for loneliness, boredom, and the opportunity for an OM to meet those needs. BH's job made it too easy for his WW to get tempted. Everyone has different levels of ability to resist temptation. Specially as the years roll by.

SG, had a job that was always taking him away on business trips.

So the way this affair happened most likely was by a WW that wanted an extra rush to deal with her loneliness and or boredom, though she did not love the OM. Did not want to divorce her BH.

[This message edited by maestro at 7:09 AM, February 17th (Tuesday)]

Very true.

That's why we say infidelity killed the marriage. Its dead. No matter how foggy a WS was, they KNEW having sex was a deal breaker. They knew and just didn't care at the time - maybe thought they could hide it or whatever. But they knew.

Its rough to accept we, as the bs, just didn't matter.

Some bs divorce, or wind up in a semi open marriage, or cheat back and compound the pain and misery, reconcile, stay together for "x", etc. Lots of people change their mind as time passes. In the reconciliation forum i see people who tried throw in the towel. Some wind up back together who were sure that it was over.

Expect your thoughts to flip around. Its normal. Stay the course you are on and use the time to try to decide what you really want. You have time.

Boredom is kryptonite to marriage, for sure.

SG, I hope your wife recognizes she is at a crossroads, but not one that offers D/R, but instead offers anger/acceptance. The key choices were already made.

She even told me her friend had been supportive of the affair.

I hope she realizes that real "friends" don't support and cheer you on while you're destroying your own life. I hope she has gone NC with both the OM and her "friend".

Dude, you don't have to explain yourself to us. Your decision is your decision. Like I said this is about what you need.

Her reasons don't matter...of course you would like/need an explanation. The bottom line is she did it and it is a deal breaker, time to move on.

I know you are crushed it is hard to fathom that a woman you are married to for many years and raised your children with would even think of doing such a thing. I know I could not believe it when it happened to me. But it did happen. Now you are trying to minimize the pain you must endure.

You will be fine and I wish you the best. I hope the divorce is quick so you can just move on.

Are you both still in the house? That can be very hard.

Peace to you brother.

I hope people will lend you support and respect your decision.

You have my support. And a great deal of respect your a good dude.

Yeah, the old "husband wasn't there for me" excuse. What exactly does that mean? Could the translation be something like: "Husband wasn't on his knees with his lips on my ass"?

SpaceGhost

Strength to you buddy. You stated in your initial post your beliefs and intentions and these were beliefs you have had for many years .

It does not matter why she did anything anymore. she chose to voluntarily violate everything you stated clearly to her that would end this marriage. And you owe none of us any explanation or justification for your decision. It is yours to make and yours alone . And you certainly do not now need any analysis as to why you are doing to right or wrong thing. You alone get to decide that .

It doesn't matter what kind of person your wife is or not at this point and at this point it also does not matter if she goes no contact with her friend or OM. She will most likely do neither.. With this decision, why would she remove her best friend and cheerleader from her life. She will lean on her more for support. And if the wife of OM is weak and buckles , there is a good chance not only will she stay in that job with him but maybe renew the affair since there is no more to lose

None of that matters, or should not.

Go get yourself a good golf location and find the happiness again that she took away from you. best of luck to you.

Is it just me or is there a lot emphasis in this thread on great golfing locations and getting to start dating new people?

I get the wanting to start over, but you seem almost a little excited to start dating someone new. I may be off base a little....but, I feel like because of the issues from your childhood, you feel like women are all going to cheat and it was just a matter of time before your wife did it. Like you were expecting it. I hope you don't feel that way, because believe me I get it. It is really hard for me to feel like there is a faithful man out there right now, but that is carry over pain from my H affair.

Whether you choose to divorce or not is up to you, but you are not weak in either decision. You are genuine to yourself. I promise you though, you deserve fidelity.....we all do, and to stay is not compromising your self respect, it is making a decision for your yourself and your marriage that is brave and selfless. Something your wife was not.

It is great you have taken the time to read so many other stories on this board, you can get a broad perspective of what goes on, what happens and the differences.

She simply says her husband "just wasn't there for her". All the women just nodded their heads and sympathized with her.

Whatever you do, please to not confuse real life and real people with those TV shows.

I had to stop watching all of them or I would either get sick or angry. But they are ridiculous.

And if the wife of OM is weak and buckles ,

nononsense

Please explain this statement.

SG, had a job that was always taking him away on business trips

Not really, in his first post he says:

Last year my company left our area so I scrambled to find another job. I found a higher paying job that I got to work from my home and it was a lot more money so things looked great. The only catch was every 4 to 6 weeks I had to fly into the home office for 1 week

About once a month/month and a half, he had to travel for one week, I think you can hardly call that as "Always away on business trips", Especially since otherwise he was working from home, so not exactly your absent husband, it looks like...

Notice that this happened last year, so this "trips" haven't exactly been going on forever.

One big thing is for neither spouse to spend nights apart. It creates conditions for loneliness, boredom, and the opportunity for an OM to meet those needs

Wow, sure that loneliness and boredom wasted no time to set in! When SG discovered the affair it looked like it had already been on for some time, so in just a few months she needs to bang the OM out of boredom and loneliness... Poor little thing...

Sorry. I stand by my previous post. There is no NEED here that had to be met.

There are a lot of selfish WANTS, maybe a pathological condition, surely some fun she wanted to have, but, please, don't talk about needs...

SG. You don't need to give us or her your reasons. You don't even need a reason beyond what you know happened.

Much strength and luck to you.