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He saw what you wanted him to see. You think he lost something here, and I am not trying to be mean but let’s look at what happens when you don’t work on yourself and you just run Willy nilly through life, and then you are sick of him too? Repulsed. Having another affair or forcing him into a lifestyle he doesn’t want to be in.

Have you asked him for polyamory too?

I agree. One failed relationship after another. That's why I thought to be alone first before getting into another relationship if we divorced. Ap is actually very traditional. I even asked him about me kissing other women bc most men seem to be into that, ime anyway, and he didn't seem very interested.

You honesty think you are giving him a gift? And three kids to feed that he didn’t make, and dealing with your ex husband all the time for the rest of his life?

You think that is better than leaving him alone?

I couldn't believe he'd be interested in a woman with 3 kids but he was. I'm sure he wasn't thinking clearly. I am leaving him alone.

I guess I feel like if I'm so terrible why am I still being allowed to be a wife and mother and encouraged to work it out with my husband kwim? Like why aren't i being banished from ever seeing them again if I'm so terrible? I did all the same shit ap did.

And then to actually address the question: you are being gifted a chance due to unmerited grace. You don’t deserve it. You are an oath breaker, and your husband had every right to walk away and never talk to you again. This is grace, it’s an invaluable gift, and you need to never forget that.

You do understand that if your AP was here talking to us, we’d be just as respectful but tough with him, so it’s not like you are getting special treatment from SI.

But what, do you expect your husband to show the man who ducked his wife grace? To give him the chance to become his bff? Doesn’t that sound absurd? It is! And be won’t! But he might with you. Cause he loves you. Don’t ever take that for granted.

This statement reflects that you identify with AP 100 times more than you do your husband. You have all this concern for a dirtbag, and your husband is an after thought.

Think about that.

He's not an afterthought I just have more in common with ap for the reasons mentioned.

You do understand that if your AP was here talking to us, we’d be just as respectful but tough with him, so it’s not like you are getting special treatment from SI.

Makes sense. Idky but I'm glad to hear this.

He's not an afterthought I just have more in common with ap for the reasons mentioned.

Who cares?

I have met countless women in the last 20 years that I have more in common with than I do my wife. That has nothing to do with it.

I loved her. I gave vows to her. That is what mattered to me. Remember that loyalty thing I mentioned?

You claimed as your mantra that your husband loves the living shit out of you, and I bet he does. For now. And behind his back you are writing this nonsense.

Wake up.

You are still deep in the fog. I told you many pages ago that my WW thought so highly of the AP. As we have worked through this she is disgusted by him. It was role he played in her fantasy. He wasn’t anything special she blinded herself to only see what she wanted to see. The AP is a complete sub par person. He is no where near my league and she knows it. Your AP is a predator, lowest of the low, and until you see it, your poor H will never measure up in your eyes.

The AP is a complete sub par person. He is no where near my league and she knows it. Your AP is a predator, lowest of the low, and until you see it, your poor H will never measure up in your eyes.

Ik ap has a lot of flaws. I was never blind to them bc I was hypervigilant in figuring out if he was a safe person. I don't want to be with him. Ik I'd be trading down or whatever the saying is. I was the predator in this situation. I got wrapped up in how he was with my kids but I sought him out sexually. Ik my husband is the better man in many aspects.

If you know your husband is the better man, then why not treat him like it and block the AP 1. Since you dont plan on being with him 2. because its the best thing for you to Reconcile, and 3. Its the right thing to do to for your husband SINCE HE IS THE BETTER MAN!

If you know your husband is the better man, then why not treat him like it and block the AP 1. Since you dont plan on being with him 2. because its the best thing for you to Reconcile, and 3. Its the right thing to do to for your husband SINCE HE IS THE BETTER MAN!

Good point. I feel like wanting to work it out with my husband shows I think he's the better man.

I feel like wanting to work it out with my husband shows I think he's the better man.

Then be all in with him, you cannot sit on the fence.

I feel like wanting to work it out with my husband shows I think he's the better man.

Except you are sabotaging your chance at reconciliation with the better man by refusing to block the low life and clinging to romantic fantasies about him.

For goodness sake, Ellie, just block the guy.

I couldn't believe he'd be interested in a woman with 3 kids but he was.

And he wasn’t interested in a woman with three kids. He was just interested in strange.

Or has your husband received a check from other daddy for the time stolen with the kids, to repay how your husband funded your game of House? Once that check clears, then and only then will I believe that AP was interested in a woman with 3 kids.

Or has your husband received a check from other daddy for the time stolen with the kids, to repay how your husband funded your game of House?

What? Do you mean symbolically?

He became attached to us, however unhealthy that was. I think he was 100% on board with being a step dad to them. Would it have lasted? Who knows. I mean ik ppl do leave for APs and it works out. Maybe this would've but I'm not going to bother thinking about a missed opportunity bc I'm trying here at home. I'll just adsume it wouldn't have. No sense in giving that any head space.

What? Do you mean symbolically?

I’m being sarcastic, and frustrated. Feels like this is hitting a brick wall. I have been really hoping for good for you, your husband, your kids. It’s not complicated for you to pursue that (first step, BLOCK HIM!), but you are spinning your wheels. I genuinely get that it takes time for a wayward to come around. I gave my wife a long ass time to try. But you have not reported a single positive actual action that you have taken from 17 pages of people giving you their time and energy.

Is waking up something you are even considering?

I couldn't believe he'd be interested in a woman with 3 kids but he was.

Don’t confuse being willing to have sex with you as meaning he would love to raise your kids. He is con man. He is willing say anything to keep you on the on the hook. Until you realize how fake all of it is, you will not get over him.

I’m being sarcastic, and frustrated. Feels like this is hitting a brick wall. I have been really hoping for good for you, your husband, your kids. It’s not complicated for you to pursue that (first step, BLOCK HIM!), but you are spinning your wheels. I genuinely get that it takes time for a wayward to come around. I gave my wife a long ass time to try. But you have not reported a single positive actual action that you have taken from 17 pages of people giving you their time and energy.

Is waking up something you are even considering?

I basically just got here. I'm taking everything in I swear but I also have to process it all and go at my own pace.

Don’t confuse being willing to have sex with you as meaning he would love to raise your kids. He is con man. He is willing say anything to keep you on the on the hook. Until you realize how fake all of it is, you will not get over him.

Except that I ended it and wouldn't want him to raise my kids.

I get it. The key is telling myself he's a dirtbag and believing it.

I basically just got here. I'm taking everything in I swear but I also have to process it all and go at my own pace.

I grant you that that is 90% true. But your unwillingness to take the most basic steps is deeply concerning. You’ve heard how I talk about my wife, but even she didn’t need to be told to go NC, she just did it. You’ve been told, 100 times, 50 ways, and you won’t. It’s a really bad sign, Ellie.

This is too early for her. The only suggestion that I can think of that is going to help both of them, on equal terms, is the truth. Read, ellie, what I wrote on page 13, and maybe you (both you and your husband) can begin your way towards personal healing.

This is too early for her

Agree. I think we have given a lot of content to last a while. It does take some time for things to sink in.

And for the record, Ellie, I didn’t really mean people are not interested in people with three kids. I married a man who had two very little kids eons ago, and I love them as march as my bio.. It was really just trying to poke a hole in this narrative you have going.

But my point is you see him through your own lens and filters. Keep reading, keep writing and find a better therapist . Read some of these books people have you to read and when you are ready to take the next step,

The reason it’s getting harder is the withdrawal started from just the other day. I mean you talked to him what, Tuesday or Wednesday maybe? You will need to sweat this out, remember the tools I mentioned because it really does help make it less painful.

Maybe we are distracting you from that I don’t know but it doesn’t feel like it. Try guided meditation to get centered, I remember my brain was a living hell around that point.

Think of this as a process, get through this part of it and then think about the next step.

For now I am out, I have been in to much and I need to focus on my life a bit.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:09 PM, Saturday, June 15th]