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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

And you can Venmo the $15 to

@hikingoutknowshershit

laugh laugh That really did make me laugh out loud.

But I can’t argue with that. I say that humbly. I wish I didn’t have to learn this stuff the way I did. I still learn things all the time because I have become addicted to improvement, enriching my spirit, and finding true lasting happiness. My life has ups and downs like everyone else. We have been going through some shit this year: my husband lost his job, I scrambled to find a job and I have never had a shittier one in my whole career, our daughter has had health problems, and so many other things. But I am solid, and I am grateful to myself for learning how to do that. I just want you to know what being proud of yourself feels like. What being able to rely on yourself feels like. It’s something no one can take from you even when life inevitability gets hard.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:23 PM, Sunday, June 16th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7319   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8839941
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 6:25 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

Yes to all of this hikingout. You are very insightful. Have you ever considered going into counseling or life coaching? You are miles ahead of my therapist who I think is operating on some type of damsel in distress trope.

I 100% do not want to be with ap. Not only would it hurt my husband more, I need to respect his wishes that the kids can never see him again. I also can't be his savior nor he mine. If I'm going to do the work on myself I can't be with someone who also needs to work on himself. 2 broken ppl do not make a whole and all...

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839942
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 6:27 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

That really did make me laugh out loud.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839943
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 6:30 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

And you can Venmo the $15 to

@hikingoutknowshershit

Lol jinx

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839944
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:34 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

If I'm going to do the work on myself I can't be with someone who also needs to work on himself. 2 broken ppl do not make a whole and all...

This is a decision I don’t think you know yet.

Honestly he is willing to do IC and marriage counseling. I honestly think you have largely ignored and minimized him for so long that it’s going to take you working on yourself for a while, and then deciding if you would like to get to know him again, and figuring out what you want precisely and asking for it.

Your husband has a lot of healing ahead of him too. But stop making this about what relationship you are in. Go to therapy, maybe with some sort of other therpist. Not sure if you have one in your area that specializes in infidelity. Your insurance for mental health seems to be extraordinary so perhaps that won’t be as expensive as it is for the rest of us.

I have thought about doing counseling. But, I am not sure I want to deal with going back to school to do it. And honestly I am not sure how it would feel to have a lot of your clients fail. Because they would, people do not want to face themselves. It’s painful. They will resist it at every turn.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:36 PM, Sunday, June 16th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7319   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8839945
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 9:25 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

Honestly he is willing to do IC and marriage counseling

I always told him to do counseling only for himself bc it is his issue not a marriage issue. Same with my situation.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839957
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 9:49 PM on Sunday, June 16th, 2024

I think all I was trying to say is he is showing a willingness to work on himself. There is no reason the two of you can’t work on yourself and see where it lands you.

Part of my whole speech about working on yourself is you don’t know how you will see things until you do that. You may see your marriage very different then.

I do not have a vested interested if you choose to divorce or work on your marriage. All I am saying is that I don’t think you know how your perspective may change on it and by ending the relationship before you do any work on yourself eliminates an opportunity that you may still want. This is also why you do it with integrity.

The bottom line is: I don’t think you are in a state to make major decisions. Work on yourself, do it with integrity and good intentions towards him. Let him work on himself. Then see what kind of relationship you can have.

Not judging if you don’t do that, but that is what I would advise. I don’t think you understand that you could have had something deeper with him before now even if you had been the only one to do any work. Do you know why? Because you would have insight on managing the relationship and setting boundaries.

Instead, you have injected chaos on top of chaos and that has kep things spiraling.

But if you want to separate and work on yourself and ultimately divorce and you know that then okay. I have listened to you oscillate about that since you got here and that tells me you don’t know.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7319   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8839958
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 12:17 AM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

Ellie,

I have a question for you. If one of your kids became an AP to a person married with kids, how would you handle it? No, this isn’t me suggesting that because you did they will. I’m asking this as an honest question, knowing what you know now, and assuming that your kids don’t know about the affair. Would you support them? Would you be happy that they found a married person? Would you welcome the cheating spouse into your house and life, accepting them and their choice? Would that be a person you want your kids to end up with? Do you want them to be the Other Person as long as it makes them happy? How would you feel about the cheating spouse with kids?

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 503   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8839963
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

I have a question for you. If one of your kids became an AP to a person married with kids, how would you handle it? No, this isn’t me suggesting that because you did they will. I’m asking this as an honest question, knowing what you know now, and assuming that your kids don’t know about the affair. Would you support them? Would you be happy that they found a married person? Would you welcome the cheating spouse into your house and life, accepting them and their choice? Would that be a person you want your kids to end up with? Do you want them to be the Other Person as long as it makes them happy? How would you feel about the cheating spouse with kids?

I would be sad. I wouldn't push my child away and say you're not welcome in my home but I would tell them I don't condone it and I would caution them to guard their heart as this person may not be trustworthy. I would not be welcoming to the cheating spouse unless I knew them as a good person and understood their marriage was unhealthy or their spouse was an asshole, etc. If it was someone ik and liked I would try to talk to them and see if they could understand that they needed to get a divorce in order to have this relationship with my child.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 1:00 AM, Monday, June 17th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839966
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 1:05 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

As I'm sure this isn't the only online resource ppl use, anyone have thoughts on affairrecoverydotcom?

Happy Monday :)

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839986
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wookiegirl ( member #16284) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

I don’t know anything about that site. The internet will give you any answer you want if you search long enough so I guess proceed with caution?
Hiking Out has literally mic dropped this thread. She nailed it.
I wish you and your family well

"I found out that the things that hurt us the most can become the fuel and the catalyst that propel us toward our destiny. It will either make you bitter or it will make you better."-- T.D. Jakes

posts: 2126   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: The Magic Mirror
id 8839995
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Tobster1911 ( new member #81191) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

Yes

As I'm sure this isn't the only online resource ppl use, anyone have thoughts on affairrecoverydotcom?

I am on the forum there as well. And we have done several of their programs. It is really good overall. There is a free bootcamp we did within two weeks of DDay.

But if you are going to try some of the programs be prepared to commit to the process. It absolutely doesn’t work if you put little or no effort in. In fact it can make matters worse.

BH(45), married 16yrs, DDay1 Feb 2022, DDay2 Apr 2022, 2EA + 4PA over 6+ yrs.

Glimmers of hope for change

posts: 35   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2022   ·   location: CO
id 8840013
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

No legitimate Affair site is going to condone not blocking your AP. You still have feelings for AP and that is a major roadblock to any progress with your BH. You need to be honest about your feelings so he can make an informed decision.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8840023
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 9:10 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

I don’t know anything about that site. The internet will give you any answer you want if you search long enough so I guess proceed with caution?
Hiking Out has literally mic dropped this thread. She nailed it.
I wish you and your family well

Thank you ❤️

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8840025
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 9:12 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

No legitimate Affair site is going to condone not blocking your AP. You still have feelings for AP and that is a major roadblock to any progress with your BH. You need to be honest about your feelings so he can make an informed decision.

Yeah, I wasnt looking for that - thanks:) I also don't have feelings for AP as I've stated many times. My feelings are about the affair, in general, and become less every day.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8840026
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 11:15 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2024

My feelings are about the affair, in general, and become less every day.

And if you want to keep that positive trend going, then you should (you guessed it) block him so you don’t go back to square one next time he tries to contact you.

I hope you are having a good Monday, Ellie. When is MC scheduled for?

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8840038
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 12:02 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2024

Thursday. Just got off with my ic. I'm going to try someone else. I'm just not sure she's open enough to deal with my life. When I told her about my sexual escapades she asked if I was abused or had any MI in my family 😬

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8840039
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 12:12 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2024

Thursday.

Cool. Do you have a plan for how to use the time? Are you planning any disclosure to your husband?

Just got off with my ic. I'm going to try someone else. I'm just not sure she's open enough to deal with my life. When I told her about my sexual escapades she asked if I was abused or had any MI in my family

Sounds reasonable, please just don’t shop around for someone to give you a message you like. You’ve heard here what it sounds like to be held accountable. I hope you will search for a voice like that. Possibly a little less stern than us laugh

Also, block him wink

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8840040
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2024

Sounds reasonable, please just don’t shop around for someone to give you a message you like. You’ve heard here what it sounds like to be held accountable. I hope you will search for a voice like that. Possibly a little less stern than us

That's why I'm switching! I feel like she's giving me a pass. She actually told me ppl who are rigid (my husband) get cheated on more often!

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8840041
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 12:32 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2024

Cool. Do you have a plan for how to use the time? Are you planning any disclosure to your husband?

I don't. I'm nervous. Therapist told me don't sweat the first session. He still hasn't wanted to talk about it and therapist is saying it's a form of passive aggressiveness 🤷‍♀️

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8840043
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