SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife said that she wants us to move away immediately and for me to quit my six figure job and down size immediately.

Ahhh...let me just say, DO NOT DO WHAT SHE IS SUGGESTING ABOVE ^^^^^^

Do not even entertain a notice of it. Huge red flag, big huge waving red flag that she wants you guys to move away and start over someplace else. No no no. Not with an active cheater and liar.

How about without telling her you just go to whatever cell phone carrier you use and let them know that you want a new phone (for whatever reason) and also while you are at it, get a new phone number too. Nothing like radically changing things up to get those around you a little nervous. And also how about you make sure you phone is locked so she cannot get into it, also your computer. If she asks just tell her you were worried that someone at work is looking at your stuff.... (blame shit away like she does) but anyway, put protection on yourself.

I would be very worried, you have someone who you think has tapped your phone (when you are not the cheater) and then also wants you to up and leave a good job and move away? Not normal.

Don't love someone so much that they are actively hurting you but you don't love yourself enough to say no and stop it.

And sorry, I did not mean to come across so harsh, I do apologize. I just read this stuff sometimes and I want to hug you and scream to run for your life. However I do know how crazy this whole infidelity stuff is and how it messes with our heads.

I am sorry she is actively still doing this to you. Truly.

What ^^^^^^^ said! I would put her on the spot. "If you are not having an affair then give me your phone, I will type in your password, and let me look at whatever I want right now." Of course she want. That should tell you right there that she is hiding something.

Oldwounds What can I say but you are right.

The best part of this forum is none of us care about being right -- and honestly, I hope I'm wrong when I suggest your wife is not a safe partner.

The goals here are to protect new members and get people out of infidelity or in your case, avoid it altogether if possible.

Trust but verify -- will not protect your relationship. Only you can do that with your actions and your wife with hers.

Tell her you want her to "be herself" around you, but ask her why she needs the validation of so many men in her world.

Why does she need the flirting, getting positive vibes back from men? Feeling good sitting next to another man other than you at a social gathering, etc., those are all little validations she desires that point to a bigger issue.

Again, a good counselor, who requires some introspection might help her ask the tough questions of herself before it leads to more bad moments or a full on affair. if she is adverse to counseling ask her why -- but don't kick back and hope for the best. I tried that too, and it didn't work.

Randy,, you are right it will happen sooner than later. I will wait.

Why? Wait for what? Her to cheat? Or for her to actually admit that she has cheated?

You see how she is acting. You know it's bullshit. This is not a court of law. You do not need video evidence. She is not acting like an innocent person. Because she isn't. She knows it. And you do too.

So what are you really waiting for?

Glad to see you posting again. I was afraid you had rugswept again.

From what you posted, drunk friend did not flat out deny the truth of what he said. He said 'he was drunk', he is in the doghouse via your WW and wants those waters to settle.

I thought the same thing regarding the call forwarding. Someone one was wanting to intercept and impersonate. Check your records and follow up on all those missed calls!

Ahhh...let me just say, DO NOT DO WHAT SHE IS SUGGESTING ABOVE ^^^^^^

Do not even entertain a notice of it. Huge red flag, big huge waving red flag that she wants you guys to move away and start over someplace else. No no no. Not with an active cheater and liar.

Reality bites, I get it, she wants to run away from responsibility for this. She is driving herself insane. I will not leave this job I worked so long and hard for,because it will make it all go away. It won’t, if it would I would be gone already. You were not harsh just honest and I do appreciate that.

Trust but verify -- will not protect your relationship. Only you can do that with your actions and your wife with hers.

Tell her you want her to "be herself" around you, but ask her why she needs the validation of so many men in her world.

Why does she need the flirting, getting positive vibes back from men? Feeling good sitting next to another man other than you at a social gathering, etc., those are all little validations she desires that point to a bigger issue.

Again, a good counselor, who requires some introspection might help her ask the tough questions of herself before it leads to more bad moments or a full on affair. if she is adverse to counseling ask her why -- but don't kick back and hope for the best. I tried that too, and it didn't work.

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Oldwounds, I am planning on playing the long game and my wife is starting to come around, last night she said that she wants to start counseling immediately and that she doesn’t want to go to any more functions where the OM or his wife will attend. I told her to start with IC then we will go to MC. This will not be a blank check for R , D is very much on the table.

Your wife should be honest with you before starting MC. In the past, you stated that infidelity is a deal breaker. If you are planning to D, you will just waste time and money.

Why? Wait for what? Her to cheat? Or for her to actually admit that she has cheated?

You see how she is acting. You know it's bullshit. This is not a court of law. You do not need video evidence. She is not acting like an innocent person. Because she isn't. She knows it. And you do too.

So what are you really waiting for?

Ramius, I am waiting because I have been with my wife for over half of my life and we have three children. She has never worked and I would lose a lot financially.

Antlered, I am not rug sweeping this, I just have to be certain that there is no going back. If she had an affair with this OM I will probably call it quits and she knows this. I drew this line in the sand long ago. I was cheated on before and I just don’t think that I could forgive that.

Your wife should be honest with you before starting MC. In the past, you stated that infidelity is a deal breaker. If you are planning to D, you will just waste time and money.

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Hotdog that is my plan to confront during the counseling session and tell her that if she is 100% honest with me I will wait three months and attend counseling before I make a decision.

Have you made it clear her flirting and need for validation by men is pissing you off and that she needs to do something about it for your piece of mind. Or is it just that you know she wouldn't give a shit and keep doing it anyways?

Oldwounds, I am planning on playing the long game and my wife is starting to come around, last night she said that she wants to start counseling immediately and that she doesn’t want to go to any more functions where the OM or his wife will attend. I told her to start with IC then we will go to MC. This will not be a blank check for R , D is very much on the table.

Words are good -- her agreeing to counseling is good, and not wanting to hang with OM at all sounds great. Now she needs to follow through with actions.

Tell her regardless of counseling she needs to show you why you should stay -- to show you that you're valued to her over the need for validation (constant flirting is never all innocent).

It is a start. Follow through so she gets a handle on understanding these bad boundaries and validations. That is critical -- and if she jumps back into old patterns, you will not need to play detective, you'll just need to move on.

Have you made it clear her flirting and need for validation by men is pissing you off and that she needs to do something about it for your piece of mind. Or is it just that you know she wouldn't give a shit and keep doing it anyways?

Randy, I told her that I would no longer tolerate this behavior and that I consider it cheating. I told her that I am a good looking man and she wouldn’t want me to act the way that she has.

Uman,

I confronted him and he played dumb and said that he was going to the Apple store to have it corrected.

It's not his phone, your wife had to forward those call, either though your phone or possibly though the iCloud thingie. I don't do Apple anymore, so I would ask all the SI iPhone gurus here, if it calls can be forwarded on the computer phone account, or if you have to forward from the phone itself.

In any case, it was no accident or computer fluke. Your phone didn't malfunction and just randomly forward to you BIL's phone. Not possible.

She's obviously tracking who calls you.

Are the phone on a shared account? You need to change your passcodes on both your device and you online account, and iCloud.

If you share an account, download all of her history and save it somewhere.

Leave your high paying job? For what reason? That's more than a little weird. Sounds like she's afraid she is about to be exposed. Tell her maybe you'll considered it in a couple of years if you two are still together.

...and good to hear you checking in.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:15 AM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

Hotdog that is my plan to confront during the counseling session and tell her that if she is 100% honest with me I will wait three months and attend counseling before I make a decision.

When you confront her, you should also bring up the tactics that she used to cover up her infidelity. ie. phone hacking, colluding with friends, etc.

Do you feel your wife is stressing out due to guilt or that her gravy train will be leaving her behind?

I believe that my wife is in survival mode now, my gut tells me she cheated and has tried to hide it all of these years. She wants this to all go away, but I have become obsessed with finding the truth. I love my wife, but can’t live with betrayal. I know that all of the deception is horrible and not the acts of a loving and remorseful spouse, I will continue to move forward with my plan and see where it leads me.

Just recently my wife has accused me of cheating on her;which I never have. I think that maybe my clearing my phone history has her concerned. Thanks for your continued support.

Why not just call her bluff? Sit her down and tell her you know what's happened but you want to hear her side. If she tells you the truth, MAYBE you can R. Don't tell her you know anything (cause you don't) just let her fall apart. If she denies, say "ok I've got my answer" and get up and leave the conversation. I guarantee you the confession would come shortly after.

Coach, the problem with Unsureman as I see it is that he is still unsure man. He's still at that stage where you are afraid to make sudden movements, because you might ruin/end your marriage in [unlikely] case infidelity (or PA, or multiple As, insert your own) didn't really happen. He wasn't shocked enough himself to start preparing divorce papers yet. He still thinks that waywards are able to come around and suddenly start telling the truth on their own, without major shock, delivered by their BS.

One of the biggest regrets I have is not starting D process 3 days after DDay1, when she said she went NC with AP2 and drove to see him the same evening (note, I was sure I caught them in early EA phase then).

Coach, the problem with Unsureman as I see it is that he is still unsure man. He's still at that stage where you are afraid to make sudden movements, because you might ruin/end your marriage in [unlikely] case infidelity (or PA, or multiple As, insert your own) didn't really happen. He wasn't shocked enough himself to start preparing divorce papers yet. He still thinks that waywards are able to come around and suddenly start telling the truth on their own, without major shock, delivered by their BS.

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DarkHoleHeart, Yes my username is unsureman for that reason. My wife has always had the ability to make me second guess my decisions and down play everything. I don’t want to destroy my 23 year marriage unless I am certain of the infidelity with OM, I caught her with the OW and allowed her to rug sweep this because we had three young children. Not by best time and I will always regret this. I believe she cheated that night with the OM as well,but I have no proof.

I have waited this long,a few more weeks doesn’t matter to me. I will not continue down this path for very long. This is extremely difficult and mentally exhausting. If I am coming across as a weak person I assure you that I am not. I just want to be Sureman.

[This message edited by Unsureman at 12:39 PM, October 31st (Tuesday)]

You know she's a cheater. You caught her in the act with the OW. And you rugswept, and say you regret it. So stop rugsweeping. Pull it out from under the rug, and confront her with it. Make her face it. Deal with it. And, for heaven's sake, stop allowing her to have contact with this OW. Any and all contact is unacceptable. Weekend trips with someone she cheated on you with should be a very firm "no," regardless of gender.

Also,you mentioned she wants to move because she's running from taking responsibility. No. She wants to move before you get concrete proof of her affairs. She enjoys not working,and she's worried that you may leave if you discovered her affairs. And she doesn't want to lose her meal ticket.