SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Would she be worried about showing the debt? If so, that just means she gets less from me?

Sounds like she may be the type to convince you not to have a lawyer but she has one, be careful.

In LA County we needed to run things past a court referee or arbitrator in order to make sure things were equitable and the judge could just sign it. With kids houses and money it's not a DIY project.

She claimed she didn't have a lawyer but she let it slip she has one.

I wouldn’t expose the money laundering but I would threaten to during negotiations.

As in “you want 60% of the equity in the home but I think 50% is fair. However I can certainly reduce that to much less based in the evidence I have regarding your financial transactions. I’m sure once we are D the IRS (and others) would love that info!”

If you think she’s hiding $ and not paying taxes, there is an IRS tip line you can report her too. Just google it.

Keep your lawyer. Yes her to death. Turn around and do whatever you want but don’t tell her.

She is more likely to hide assets than debt. As you say why hide debt? You should have some sense of what her practice usually makes and fortunately if you really feel like she is hiding income a good forensic account working for your lawyer will be able to see that pretty easily in a business that has to receive money from insurance companies as hers does. Much harder for her to hide money than someone that is working in a cash business. You should definitely make sure that your attorney has worked with divorces where the spouses have businesses to value, someone with experience with a medical practice would be ideal.

Check her books/records for a safe deposit box rental. That's where the cash is.

Inform her that your CPA will have to audit her books & records for the last 3 years in order to assign a fair value to her practice for divorce purposes. Note: if she's been diverting cash then the audit will pick it up.

Add up all her cashed checks and insist on an accounting for where she spent the cash.

She either spent it on the OM - or she put it aside in a safe deposit box.

Do you know where the OM works?

Has the OM been married before?

If so, to who?

Have the PI do a credit check on the OM. It's likely he's in this for money.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:29 PM, August 28th (Friday)]

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:23 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I am so sad when people tell me to focus on the kids. I am thinking of the last day in the current house , where I am holding my oldest hands and walkng around the yard one last time and hugging her. She won't understands but telling bye bye from daddy.

Ican have either 2 motions right now, hatred towards the wife or sadness of saying bye bye.

She has me down on one of her safety deposit with cash. Most likely she took my name off of it already.

Go to the bank and make sure, maybe she forgot to remove your name, check and see what she is keeping there if possible.

Now i am wavering on this topic.

She is desperate not to use attornwy. I am going to demand a lot if we settle and get it done quickly.

On the other hand, I can pay more money to.keep it going, draw this out more months and expoae the affair and suspicious financial activity.

Any opnioms?

Maybe I'm paranoid but pretty sure I'm not. I think she doesn't want lawyers because she's afraid of what the legal process may uncover. I think someone is advising her to convince you to leave the lawyers out. I also think, based on what you've provided, she's running everything past a lawyer while wanting you to not have one. This is too important for you and your children to not have a lawyer.

Now i am wavering on this topic.

Stop wavering and keep your lawyer ready. People have given you lots of good reasons to do it.

I am going to demand a lot if we settle and get it done quickly.

Your emotions are all over the place. You're currently in no condition to negotiate and she will try to exploit it. What if she refuses your demands (which I'm pretty sure she will) and drive a hard bargain herself? What are you going to do then?

On the other hand, I can pay more money to keep it going, draw this out more months and expose the affair and suspicious financial activity.

Exposing the affair should be a secondary objective. The primary one is to protect yourself financially and legally, including custody.

Now i am wavering on this topic

Think about it this way. Has she done anything to prove that she's trust worthy? No. She's been extreemly manipulative. At the very least she wants control of this divorce and it will be much easier for her if YOU do not have a lawyer. More likely something shady is going on. It is in YOUR best interest to have a lawyer. If she doesn't want one that's up to her.

I've noticed in your thread that you seem to be walking on eggshells around her. After seeing how manipulative and down right evil she can be I can understand why... I believe your best approach is to do a hard 180, detach and choose your battles. Having a lawyer to help you fight those battles is important.

"I would feel more comfortable with a lawyer... and leave it at that. Walk away. Keep yourself busy. Carry that VAR... Don't back down on this one because you dont' want to fight...just try to keep the tension low. We've already discussed this and I'm going to have a lawyer...

Many people do divorce with out getting lawyers involved but those are couples where one didn't cheat, or they are getting along and can agree on everything. They are couples where both are trustworthy...

Don't waver on this one. Also, could you take the kids to visit your parents or someplace away from your WW? I'm thinking that telling her you are going to do this would make it easier on the PI in getting information. Set her up so she knows you and the kids are going to be away for the weekend. plant some VAR in rooms of the house and have the PI ready.

IMO you should seek advice from your attorney at every step of the divorce process (whether you go to court or settle).

Settlement is less expensive - but you still need your attorney to advise you (in your case, in private) on the implications of her offer.

1 - keep the PI digging for dirt (OM or illegal financial activity).

Why? because you will need leverage over this selfish, entitled, deceitful and irrational person in the future (e.g., child custody & state of residence, visitation schedule, college expenses).

And also, to discourage her (after the divorce) from challenging the settlement or harassing you for money.

Plus you can use the information to discourage her from slandering you. Inform her that any settlement is contingent on not discussing your marriage with anyone else (two can play that game and nobody wins).

2 - Even if you settle out of court, don't tell your wife but seek an attorney's advice on any offer she makes. In other words, the attorney will advise you secretly - and you will have to speak up for yourself in settlement.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:20 AM, August 29th (Saturday)]

I will have attorney each step.of the way. I want to have some options before talking to attorney and she can give me final advice.

Other friends say same thing, go into discovery rather than settling to find out what she has and how it might be tied back to me. She could have been using my name husband in the paperwork she signed. Could it affect me in the future.

Dang, I wonder if this bf knows what he is getting himself into.

.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:23 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:24 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Vonbock, nothing is too far fetched....nothing.

I think squid mentioned hidden debt. This is something you should really look into. A good friend of mine came home one Friday and his wife basically said they are done, nothing can change things and left her husband, home and Daughters.

Monday morning, after a hellish weekend, he opened the mail to find $100,000 in debt due, like today. She had been playing the credit card shuffle for a long time and it had finally come home to roost. She just couldn’t handle it and fled. He took care of the debt, which cost him most of his retirement savings due to the taxes he had to pay on top of the $100K. He used this as leverage as he had shares in our company that were obtained during the marriage. The shares were little $ upfront and mostly borrowed $, so it had a liability associated with them. Anyway, she said half of the shares were her’s. He agreed, then said I need the $50,000 + I paid for your half of the debt. She signed over her claim to the shares in return for the $50,000+ in debt.

Let’s just say the $50,000 was a drop in the bucket when the company sold 3 years later!!

Long story short, get a handle on what assets and liabilities she has. She sounds like she is getting nervous about lawyers crawling up her a$$ and what they will find.

Definitely DNA the kids!!!

No matter how you feel about them having a sperm donor, you are still Daddy.

But will throw her for a loop, and you might be able to go after the spent donor for child support , depending on the state you live

Good luck and stay strong

And don’t be afraid to go nuclear.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:31 PM, August 29th (Saturday)]

Before she didn't care for the kids. Since I have told her I am going to divorce her, now she is coming home on time and acting if she loves the kids.

Is this her changing to a good mom because I am leaving or is she just love bombing me?