I'm still here.
I don't really feel like writing an elaborate novel about the last 48 hours. I just wanted to stay semi-connected to this group for perspective. I could type all day on here and you all would not be able to see the situation through my eyes. In my interactions with my WW, only I have the intimate knowledge of reading her and the situation. Could I be duped? Sure. But right now I feel like I have also come out of a fog. A fog of denial? I'm in control and laser focused on it all.
Updates since my last post:
WW and I have both been wrecks. She has expressed both regret and remorse for what's happened. I would almost describe her look as "shell shocked". She's having a hard time coming to grips with the reality of what she's done now that the fantasy is over. She is taking a lot of action, most unsolicited by me, to try and help comfort me and stabilize the situation.
She has written a NC letter to her AP and included the OBS and I on it. I had asked her to do this earlier, but had not asked again. It was just as it needed to be. Not emotional, just to the point. It just relayed in plain terms that she'd made the the biggest mistake of her life by having the A and that it was over forever. I was surprised by the layer of relief it gave me to read it. Just today I also was copied onto the NC letter from her AP. Her AP also sent me a private email apologizing for what he had done.
We've talked about her visit to the lawyer and I believe she's being truthful. She said she went as I suspected on the urging of her parents after she expressed concern about the financial misunderstandings to them. She was fearful I was going to take the money and leave her. I asked her point blank if the reason she said the lawyer told her to try and work it out was because of the financial damage it would do to her. She said that it was something that hit home, but that wasn't the reason. She said she wanted to see if we could try to fix this based on her discussion, not about finances, but about me and our family. She said the lawyer was asking her questions about me to see if there was any leverage there for her. "Is he a good husband? Has he every been physically abusive to you? Emotionally abusive? Abusive to the kids? Does he fulfill his responsibilities around the home? etc." She said she burst into tears in his office when she could only say there was nothing there to use. She said it hit home what a good husband I actually was. It hit home what she had put at risk.
She has proactively kept me in the loop with all of her communications and encouraged me to spy on her as much as I feel I need to. I've looked at her phone and electronics in front of her and all the corrective work to eliminate communication channels has been done. I admit I also had looked at her phone without her knowledge before this and found she had deleted her contact with the AP. I scrolled through the call records and found the last one with the AP's number where she last spoke to him before the confrontation. I opened the contact info for the number and it was not attached to his name. It also showed that the number had been blocked by her from being able to be received. I'm not reading too much into this. I know underground channels could be in place, but this was still a tiny something. I will continue to be vigilant.
She's been reading "After the Affair" without me asking. I had ordered a hard copy of a different book for her, and she said she didn't want to wait and just got the ebook of what she thought I had ordered. Despite working 12-hour shifts in a hectic environment, she's been consuming it. She also gently suggested that I might get something from it and that it was on her laptop if I wanted to read a little too. I did today and while some of it was hard to read, painful, it was also very comforting and helpful as it gave some understanding to my thoughts, and also hers.
She's been over the top telling me exactly where she is, when she's leaving work, if she needs to stop at the store, etc. She said she's never going to go for a run or bike ride again without me without activating the live fitness tracker feature with our workout programs.
She's turned off her Facebook. She said it was a time suck and that she needed to be present here.
She's given me a rough verbal time frame for the A. I haven't asked for more or anything in writing as some here have suggested I demand. I don't know that I want it. At least not right now. I asked how it happened the first time they got physical and she says that the AP initiated the contact. She described it as an out of body experience that took her by surprise and she doesn't know why she didn't stop it. I asked how she felt afterwards. How she felt when she returned home to me and the girls. She cried and said she felt nothing but soul crushing guilt and shame. I asked how she could continue seeing him with those feelings. She just said she didn't know. She said it was like she was in a dream. She said that it was just making her feel happy for the first time in years and couldn't stop. There's more to discuss here, but neither of us could handle it at the time.
She keeps checking in on me from her work to see if I'm alright. This is heartfelt. My BS alarm is hypersensitive right now, and I believe her inquiries are genuine.
She keeps coming up to me an hugging me out of the blue. Even if she's mid-task sometimes she will just stop and walk over to me for a hug. Most of these are accompanied by heartfelt "I'm so sorry." comments.
She sought out and has set up individual counseling, as have I. We both agree that we need IC before we consider MC, but know that we will eventually go to MC.
She's been purging all memories of her AP. All photos on phones, computers, etc. Any small nick knacks that have a connection to the AP. I've been doing the same. As some point we will need to do this together. Try to eliminate triggers. Make plans to avoid them.
She has shown some very dark and negative feelings towards herself. So strong that I'm watching her closely. She says she takes all the blame and hates the horrible person she's become. I listen and try to remind her that she's not a horrible person. I would not have married a horrible person. I express anger and hurt for what action she took with the A, but also know who she is. She fucked up. She fucked up big time. Time will tell when it comes to full forgiveness.
All of these actions, observations, and discussions have helped me to feel a little better. I'm still in pain. I'm still angry. But at times, I've been able to think about something else aside from the situation. I'm eating again. I was prescribed some antidepressants but haven't taken them yet. I'm off the anti anxiety meds and I feel I've got some basic control of my mind and body again. I'm thinking more clearly. I've been staying busy including getting a little bit of exercise. It truly is a roller coaster ride as many have described. I'm sleeping without aids.
I feel that we both know that we are in a bad spot. That our marriage is on life support. That the task of even trying to fix it is going to be the biggest challenge of our lives.
I have asked her to begin thinking about a plan of action that she can share with me for how she is going to try to repair what she's done. For how she's going to repair me. Repair our home.
The dust is starting to settle. The aftermath of the explosion will become more evident in time I'm sure.
For now I'm cautiously hopeful. One day at a time. So much for not writing a novel I guess....
