SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CSCE - yes, you are in a bad and fragile place and rather than be harsh on you I'll suggest you sit in it and use these feelings to begin to have empathy for your BS. That was the beginning of the turning point for Mr. ISurvived. When he was in the depths of despair because of my actions after d-day, he began to use it to realize how I must have felt during his A and thereafter. He also began to realize that as badly as he felt, he knew it was amplified for me.

You see the main issue regarding a WS's behavior is their willingness to cross that threshold and ignore the feelings of the "one they love" and instead choose to feel only for themselves. Now that everything has unraveled, there begins to be an understanding of the ramifications of your actions to others that was missing initially.

I pass no judgement on you other than to tell you that you need to decide what kind of person you want to be and to get there. That is the best chance you have to R but as you know it is no guarantee. But if R is precarious at best, what good is remaining the way you were? What kind of relationship will you have and how will you feel about yourself?

Nobody can love another without first loving themselves. That is why WS's often are disgusted with their AP's once they come out of the fog and are steeped in reality. As they begin to love themselves, they see the ugliness of the AP and everything that ensued during the A.

So work on realizing that your brokenness brought about these behaviors which are often reflections of sad FOO issues from long ago. Fix them and you will see positive movement.

For your BS, his head is swirling and his world shattered so it will be hard for him to trust anything or anybody let alone you. The road to R comes when a BS starts to heal and then can see their WS aware and owning their actions as well as empathizing with what they did and how it made their WS feel. It's a marathon.

Keep working on you.

CSCE, in the end, we're all human beings and human beings make horrible choices sometimes. Whatever the consequences of this whole thing end up being, I want you to know that you are not a monster. You did a monstrous thing to someone you love, but that doesn't have to define you forever. THAT is why you are doing the work, regardless of the outcome. Please remember that and like ISurvived said, KEEP working. Keep going. Keep striving to understand yourself, to fix whatever is broken that made you do this in the first place, and keep to your commitment to live according to this and demonstrate change.

I'm sorry you're in pain, I'm sorry he is, too. The whole thing is tragic at its core. Of course you can't stop caring. You want to come through this WITH your husband - if you didn't, you wouldn't be here in the first place.

I think part of letting go of control of the outcome is accepting that you will be in limbo for as long as your H needs you to be and if you want this marriage, THAT is what you need to accept. You chose to have an affair without consulting him, it was an unilateral choice you made for yourself that greatly affected the marriage and threw his life into turmoil, and now you must allow your H to be the one making unilateral choices, even if it sometimes sends you to dark places.

It's part of the price - this is how you pay the piper, you know?

That said, he's an adult. Traumatized, yes - I agree with the folks who have said that no matter how remorseful you are, you will never understand the depth of the pain he is feeling. Betrayal at this level, by the person you loved and trusted most in the world, is nothing short of excruciating. It changes you forever.

But no one is making him stay. Maybe he's running out the clock, maybe he isn't sure of his decision, maybe he is. That's not for any of us to say, nor for you to say - it's for him to say.

If you don't want to leave, if you want R, then don't leave. Don't assume that's what he wants deep down and do something that will definitely kill any chance at R that might still be there. The decision is his. If he wants to leave, he'll go. If he wants to stay, he'll stay.

Hang in there. I am hoping for the best, for both of you.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 9:16 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

Skerzoid is spot and so is beauchatuex. You're not a monster and even you deserve to heal and have a healthy relationship one day. But that relationship won't be with your BH. Some times the damage is too much for the marriage to continue no matter what you do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move forward and become the best version of yourself that you can be.

Maybe let go of the outcome . . . instead, enjoy each moment you still have together.

Patience really is your only option, and I'd say don't walk away because you're tired of not knowing for sure. I think (though I don't know for sure) your husband may want YOU to walk away, that way, none of it's on him (at least in his mind).

But, if you have the strength, it is up to you to hang in there. It does seem like your marriage is dying, but if someone you loved were dying, you'd probably stick with them until they were gone. If you love your marriage, that's what you do, all the while hoping for healing and perhaps even a near miraculous cure.

If you can, force yourself to stop and relax, and think of something good anytime you feel down. Share what you still can . . . and let go of trying to control any outcome. Things may still work out with time, but if not, you shouldn't feel bad for being as loving as you can, and making things as good as you can, for the time left.

CSCE,

I am so sorry you are here. I know the pain is so great is so great it may feel as though the air has left the room and you will suffocate, or that your heart feels like it weighs 100 lbs and at any moment may burst out of your chest and explode. I know this feeling well, and I would not wish it on my worst enemies.

The thought of BH willingly writing me out of his life constricts my heart and makes me feel like I can't breathe, and I can't fathom doing the same. The things he's been saying lately, and the emotionless way he's said them, have hurt so badly I can barely stand it.

This very thought was one of the first that started me on the path to my own healing, and to being able to help my spouse heal as well. This feeling, this thought, is the core of what your BS felt and continues to feel. I don't say this to hurt you, I swear. It is a truth. It is pain. And it is an opportunity for growth, and for empathy. I know it is hard, but find a quiet time and place, and focus on this feeling. Allow yourself to feel it. You won't die, but part of you may. Feel it, let it take you into a place of pain, and as you go there, you will understand him, and you will understand how you must change. This is not about saving your marriage although honestly it is likely your best shot. It is about knowing who you are and who you want to be. It is about empathy returning to your body and to your soul. I'm not a religious man, but let me tell you, sometimes we need to die so that we can be reborn.

It's terrible. I don't know which is more selfish - giving up or sticking around, especially knowing the likely outcome. If I give up am I just shielding myself from the feelings of rejection and potentially making BH feel it instead, or taking the weight of the decision from BH's shoulders and saving us both from an unnecessary struggle? If I stay, am I refusing to respect what he needs for healing, or demonstrating vulnerability even though I know I will likely get hurt?

It doesn't matter. Your heart is hurting and you are looking for something, anything, to take that pain away. But the truth is, you can't control what he feels. You can't control the outcome. Nothing you do or say right now is going to make the pain you just described above any less. No one can. He will feel what he feels, even he might not really know right now what he's going to do. All you can control is you. So again, I urge you to feel this pain, because once you process it, you can let it go, and let it go you shall. Understand this... you cannot go to him. He must decide to come to you.

Think about this. If someone hurt you badly, what would it take for you to trust them again? You cannot trust them if they are the same. They must change. They must fix what is broken in themselves and make themselves safe. And how are you involved in this process? You aren't. You can't change them. They have to do that. Not for you, not to influence you because that is manipulation, right? No, they need to change because they can no longer live with who they are.

Be a butterfly. Change and let the beauty within you become you.

Here is my suggestion for you. Let's just assume for now that your husband is already gone. Go ahead and cry, get it out. Assume he has left and there is not a damn thing you can do about it, and R will never happen. What now? It is just you. You have to be happy with who you are. You have to love yourself. And if you meet someone new, you will have to be someone that is worthy of that new love, someone authentic who doesn't respond in the way you used to. Go ahead and take those steps. Be someone new.

And if you are lucky and sincere, maybe, just maybe, he will notice, and feel that you are safe enough to stay and try with a little longer. If it doesn't happen, that's okay, because he was already gone anyway, right? And if he does choose to stay, remember to put him first in all things, sacrifice for him, take any consequences that you need to, and continue being yourself, your new self, be the butterfly.

You WILL be okay CSCE. Just focus on you, and let the pieces around you fall where they may.

(((CSCE)))

Your husband is watching your actions.

Maybe you should do the same.

Many have said something like the following (and I am paraphrasing a lot here): you are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. You are not your words. You ARE your actions.

The same holds true for your husband.

And so far his actions are: he's let you back into the home; he has not left; he has not served you with divorce papers; he has monitored your actions extensively. That's what's happened. Those are his actions so far. Perhaps he is just "waiting out the clock". Or perhaps that is just a story you're telling yourself. Look at his actions, as he is looking at yours.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 6:04 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

Long time reader, first time posting.

A couple thoughts and observations mixed with a couple assumptions from 1 practical but insensitive individual (in-laws opinion so apologize in advance).

Thoughtfulness: You mentioned this previously and I hoped that you would have done something for your BH while you were away. You planned parties, bought presents and thought of many people but the one you are trying to keep in your life was left out. Completing agreed upon tasks doesn't count. I would have thought something simple as planning ahead to have food delivered for lunch a couple of days to your BH while gone or planned for a friend to take him to a ballgame would have showed him that you were thinking of him while you were gone. I wonder if this thoughtfulness shown to people back home might actually have been image control/preservation in case you decide to move back should things not work out with BH.

Sometimes being thoughtful is doing things for people that they don't expect or even know they need.

A part of being married is putting the needs of your partner ahead of your own on a regular basis and not expecting recognition for doing so. You don't do this because you have to but because you want to. Do you do this?

I know that you are not reading each other's threads, but it might be a good idea to discuss being able to read other threads in JFO. You might learn and understand things from a different perspective.

One question: Did your BH actually learn of your affair while you were both out of the country (I assume on vacation together)? If so, that had to be hard to deal with.

Job: You keep mentioning that you don't want to get a new job as you don't know what your future holds. You may relocate back home. To me this says that you have one foot out the door on your marriage. I'm sure your BH has heard you complain about your job for almost 2 years and is thinking if only you had gotten a new job then you may not have gotten in this mess. (Even your AP got a different job during your affair) You stated that you are staying until he tells you to pack and leave. I would think that getting a new job would reinforce the idea that you are going nowhere and are going to see this to the end. (Later if it doesn't work out most employers would understand relocating due to divorce or family health issues.)

A new job would provide closure on this one issue to you and your BH. Who knows, it may make you feel better and more pleasant to be around.

Practical issue: You may have more time than you think to show your BH your self improvements. Your BH stated that he doesn't want to lose the house and that you might be able to stay as a roommate. If divorce is filed in the next couple of months it will probably take another six months to complete. Use this time to improve yourself and show that you are safe. Also, another practical issue is that you just recently bought your house. Assuming that it has gone up in value, you need to have lived in it for a minimum of 2 years before you sell in order to not pay capital gains tax(research this. could be big dollar savings). You do not have to stay married in order to own the house together. This may increase your chances of staying in the house as roommates for a year. All this does is buy you time to show your BH your improvements in yourself.

Divorce: I may be the only crazy one that sees your divorce as the only logical choice for your BH, which actually benefits the both of you, assuming that you are still "all in" and willing to do a lot of work to improve. Divorce levels the playing field so that your BH is not your plan B(in his eyes). It gives you both choices so that if you do get back together, it will be because you both want to. He will have seen your improvements and he will know that you are truly committed to him and not trying to "save face" by saving your marriage. Divorce also would give your BH back his respect and ....

You still have options to be with your BH. It may never be as Husband/Wife ever again but in time if may be as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Just one person's opinions. I will now disappear back into the crowd, never to be seen or heard from again (if everyone is lucky).

Bakedbrain did give you some options.

I do see that this could help, if you want your H in your life even if you are divorced.

the house issue might be one to discuss with your H.

hope you both find some peace.

I feel indebted to each of you for your sincere posts, and I am racking up quite the tab of responses. Before I dive in, here's a brief update:

My dad had an appointment with a cardiologist this week, and was told that while the leaky valve is concerning, no surgery is required at this stage because it hasn't impacted the functioning of his heart muscle (yet). He is supposed to go in for regular EKGs to keep an eye on it, but other than monitoring and possibly blood pressure medication, nothing else is necessary until his heart shows signs of being overly stressed. It's a relief to know that it isn't as bad as he made it out to be, though he is still going to sell his business as a precautionary measure. I have some strong worries about that, but hopefully he will have more flexibility when it comes to choosing a buyer, now.

Things with me have been pretty tough. Is it possible to feel claustrophobic within your own head? That's the closest I can come to describing the feeling - there's this tension that never goes away, and it can be suffocating. I think it's due to an attempt to brace for emotional impact. I still struggle with vulnerability.

My IC says she thinks I need to start coming in twice a week, but affording it is going to be a challenge. She's willing to be flexible on the rate, but I am having a large amount of anxiety about it. I'm worried about offending her if I ask for too steep a discount, but on the other hand I'm worried about stretching myself too thin. I'm dreading the conversation.

Speaking of dreading conversations: it's currently T-6 days until 3-months from DDay. Even though BH and I discussed already that he didn't have to stick to that timeline, it's still looming large on the horizon. It doesn't help that BH reminded me of it yesterday, asking if I was "ready". My stomach tied itself into knots immediately when he asked the question, and has stayed that way ever since.

I only have time for a few responses tonight. I'd like to take the time to call out one response in particular that really struck me:

c24j - Your words touched me deeply.

if someone you loved were dying, you'd probably stick with them until they were gone. If you love your marriage, that's what you do

The analogy of death resonates with me. I find myself getting impatient when people say I'll find someone else, as though my concern is about being alone. It isn't. I'm not worried about never loving again, either. I'm grieving the loss of this, specifically. Even if I found something that made me equally happy one day, the loss of what I had with BH will always make me sad. A new relationship never fits right on top of the space the old one left, just like having a second child doesn't erase the pain of losing the first.

I want you to know that your words have given me some peace. I wish BH would let me share more with him, but I will remain thankful for what I have. The time I have, the communication I have, and the memories I have. Thank you for giving me the perspective.

DaddyDom - BH said the feelings of emptiness, numbness, and rejection are what he was feeling on DDay and after. I do feel like I understand him so much better, now, but if anything I'm afraid it's made me feel more lost than ever. I can see the fractures running within me, but I have no idea how to fix them, and it's paralyzing. Everything hurts. How do you climb out of the despair? How do you find the steps from who you are to who you want to be, let alone take them??

BakedBrain - I'm flattered that you chose my thread to be your first post. Regarding your thoughts:

Thoughtfulness - The only thing I can think of is that I made BH a pillow while I was gone. It was an attempted replica of a custom one he saw when at a meeting a couple of weeks ago that he said he liked. I didn't give it to him until after I got back, though, and I had to order the pieces before I left, so I don't know if that counts or not.

A part of being married is putting the needs of your partner ahead of your own on a regular basis and not expecting recognition for doing so. You don't do this because you have to but because you want to. Do you do this?

I have been inconsistent with this, especially over the last couple of years (unsurprisingly). Prior to then, I did. Big things, like moving to California, small things, like giving up alcohol, and tiny things, like sewing up the holes in his shirts. I realize I have a lot of ground to make up, but things are delicate right now. BH is still keeping me at arm's length (literally as well as figuratively), which I am respecting even though the distance makes me ache. It also severely limits my ability to demonstrate putting his needs first.

Yes, BH learned of the affair on day 5 of a 2-week vacation to Europe, though due to my TT he didn't know the extent of it until a few days after we got back. The rest of our vacation after DDay was abject misery. I did all the worst things - tipped off AP, explicitly lied to BH's face over and over again, begged and pleaded, you name it.

Job: I hadn't thought about it this way at all - thank you for bringing it up. Yes, if I had gotten a new job then I am confident I would not have had the affair. I have spent countless hours on "if onlys" about that - though I'd still be unknowingly broken, which means I'd still be a risk to myself and BH.

I had actually started looking up jobs while waiting at the airport before my trip, but your comment has caused me to start looking in earnest. I've been unhappy there for too long, and it's clearly been harmful to my mental state.

House: In CA there is a mandatory 6-month "cooling off" period before any filed divorce is finalized. Our financial situation is rather complicated, so I suspect it would take that long, anyway. BH will hate to invest the money to start the process, which I think might be the only thing that has stopped him so far.

Divorce: I have complicated feelings about this. It's been suggested before, but I don't see it happening for us. Truly (and without judgment), I see him doing everything he can to distance, disengage and detach from me. Maybe after a divorce the pressure would be off and he could engage with me more naturally, but I suspect instead he would double-down on writing me out of his life as fast as possible. I recognize that he is within his rights to do that...it doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

At what point does being "all in" turn into desperation? At some point, it must. At some point, you have to hang your head, admit that some things just don't go your way, and move on. I don't know what that line is, though I'm sure some people think I've already crossed it. (To be clear: I don't.)

The title of "wife" isn't what matters to me - it's being a part of his life. But at some point I have to live mine, too, and if we split that would mean moving. I don't know what that point is, but it's hard to foresee a divorced future where we would do anything but lose touch of each other entirely.

I know I owe so many more of you responses, but that's all I have in me for tonight. I hope to get through the backlog this week, since I expect Saturday to be very difficult.

At what point does being "all in" turn into desperation? At some point, it must. At some point, you have to hang your head, admit that some things just don't go your way, and move on

If you really want your marriage, that point doesn't come until you are signing your divorce papers. I could be wrong, but I feel like you are more and more resigned to the fact that your BH will divorce you.

Your marriage is something you need to fight for, even if it feels desperate and pathetic at least it is a strong emotion that can be felt by your BH. Tucking your tail between your legs and bowing you head in shame shows him you are sorry, but it doesn't show him you have fight in you to keep him. He doesn't have the energy to save this. It's easier to distance himself. If you want this, you have to do the heavy lifting.

My husband was looking up lawyers and getting ready to divorce me. I fought like Hell to stop that from happening. It wasn't pretty, but that raw emotion at a visceral level was what he needed to see to understand what I said was true. It was almost impossible to believe a single word I said, but deep emotion is hard to fake.

Get really real with him. Bare your soul. I think it's ok to be a total fool if it's all you have left. You need to put in the kind of energy you would if you were advocating for your child. It's an insane amount of passion and commitment.

What do you have to lose?

I do like your post walking.

is there a like button?

Me too Walkin. Excellent advice.

WalkinonEggshellz - You aren't wrong about the resignation, but I think what you are picking up on is the part of me that is trying really, really hard to get me there. It would be easier than the turmoil I find myself in, now. It's hard to fight to keep him when I have doubts that I'm worth staying for, you know? And the more I try the more I'm confronted with the deep, dark fear that I'm not.

It's this voice in my head whispering doubts. Making it seem like the pain will never end - that BH would never accept without bitterness, and that I would never exist without shame. That no matter how hard I try, I'm not enough. It tells me I should pack up and move on - BH would rather be alone than with me (he's told me as much), and it tries to convince me that won't change. It tells me BH will always be closed off and distant, that our entire history together is tarnished and that any future will be, too. It tells me I'm not worth it, and that the end is inevitable, so why stay? I don't mean to be melodramatic - I hope it doesn't come off that way. Ultimately, that voice, while always there, doesn't get its way very often. It just makes me miserable, in the meantime.

But when I'm curled up in the guest room, alone with my thoughts? Or when BH says something casually about life "after me"? In those moments, I'm far from resigned. It's the same feeling of the air being knocked out of my lungs, no matter how many times it happens. Even though I may fall into despair sometimes, any resignation I may feel is momentary and fleeting.

Everything feels hopeless, yet I can't seem to shake the hope. I feel like I'm going crazy - constantly being dashed against the rocks, but for the life of me I can't stop trying. It does feel desperate and foolish, sometimes.

How did you fight for your marriage, if you don't mind my asking? I'm doing everything I can think to do, but I hate the thought that I could be doing more. I realize this is not a one-size-fits-all situation and that there is no manual on how to save it, but even just broad strokes or a single example would be appreciated, to help confirm I'm pointed in the right direction.

One thing I know I could be doing better: I'm struggling with proactively sharing my feelings with BH - they always made him uncomfortable, even in the best of times, so I never got used to sharing them with him. Now, not only are we far from "the best of times", but the emotions on both sides are raw and painful, AND he has essentially no interest in engaging with me, except on his terms. It makes it hard to feel like I'm welcome to share, and I worry about burdening him by doing so if he doesn't want to hear it. I'm also still figuring out what they are, which adds some complication.

But you're right - there really is nothing to lose.

[This message edited by CantSleepCantEat at 3:07 PM, September 25th (Monday)]

I am going to be as gentle as I can with this. I know that this is your life, and you have a lot invested in it.

You've mentioned before that you took him for granted. Do you see that the hope that you choose to wrap yourself with is continuing to do the same thing? It seems like you are looking at the inevitable consequences for your actions as the tragedy, when the real tragedy has already taken place.

Using your Wile E. Coyote example, the moment you chose to engage in an affair you stepped off of the cliff. Your fall isn't waiting for you to look down, it has already happened. You plummeted the moment that you did something that you wouldn't have wanted your BH to know about. You lost the right to any say in what happens to what is left of your marriage the moment that you did that.

The emptiness in you that caused this affair is also responsible for the feelings of despair that you have now that your BH is leaving you. You mentioned that the past thirteen years aren't a fluke. They aren't, but they are poisoned. He can't think of a positive memory of you without wondering if the AP has the same.

You aren't waiting for your husband to extend his hand and save you from falling, you are asking him to come down to where you are and stay with you after you get up, dust yourself off, and start climbing back up.

Let him know that even though you understand what you did was far more damaging, his casual references to his time after you hurts a lot. DO NOT ask him to stop making them, because you have no place to ask something like that. He may be saying those things just to hurt you, out of resentment, it would be understandable.

I believe that you really want to get this right, sincerely. I might be happily married still if my WW had put in 1/100th of the effort that you have, and you still have a lot to do. Stay the course, not just because the marriage is worth it, but because you are.

xhz700 just made a wonderful post, and I agree so much.

I do have to add that I think WalkinonEggshellz is right too in that you need to show him the most raw parts of yourself right now. Don't hide what you're feeling in an attempt to not 'put more on him' - I understand where your thought process is, that you don't want to make this about you when it should be all about him. BUT...

I can't help but think (and forgive the armchair psychology) that he's saying things like that specifically to gauge your reaction. He WANTS it to hurt you, because he wants to gauge whether you do in fact care about him and the marriage. He's saying many things that seem like he's sure of D, but...it hasn't been very long. Many BSes are torn for a long time, he may be constantly saying these fatalistic things because he's also trying to convince himself.

Again - I don't know him, this all may be complete crap. And I'm not saying this to give you hope about an outcome because like many (including you) have said, that's not the point. But I totally agree that if you want to approach this with 100% honesty, you must not hold back.

Maybe you didn't show him emotion before, for whatever reason. Now is not the time to stick with what you did 'before', because that clearly didn't do much for the marriage. Show him how you feel, tell him how his comments make you feel. Like others have said, what do you have to lose?

I can't help but think (and forgive the armchair psychology) that he's saying things like that specifically to gauge your reaction. He WANTS it to hurt you, because he wants to gauge whether you do in fact care about him and the marriage.

THIS. When a partner has an affair it can send a sign to the BS in big bold letters that says "YOU DON'T MATTER". Maybe he is trying to see your reaction. Maybe he is trying on putting himself and his wants over you by hinting that you don't matter.

Xhz700 and beauchateaux - Finally something I am getting right.

I do tell him it hurts when he says those things - usually there's also a wince as he's saying them. And I don't ever ask him not to say them - if anything, I encourage the opposite, because I never want him to avoid telling me something. Even if it hurts, I'd rather pain with communication than peace without. Ignorance doesn't benefit anyone. But I do feel guilty, because he says he feels like a bully when he says things that upset me. I don't want to make him feel that way.

A part of our nightly check-ins is to discuss anything the other person did that wasn't helpful/useful, which gives me a space to tell him when things hurt - like not talking to me all day, or saying hurtful things. It gives him a place to tell me when I've hurt or disappointed him, too. Where I struggle is with the generalized feelings - the things that aren't because of anything specific.

It seems like you are looking at the inevitable consequences for your actions as the tragedy, when the real tragedy has already taken place.

I understand this, but I think my feelings are more encompassing. The focus shifts. Sometimes, the tragedy that hits me is how I disengaged from BH years ago, leaving him emotionally alone while he tried to maintain our life with only half a partner. Sometimes, it's the thought of how we'll both be changed by this forever, or how this would have been a really good year for him, if not for this. Sometimes, it's whether either of us will ever be able to look at the photo albums of our years together again, or if they'll be lost to history. Sometimes, it's how we never got the kind of peanut butter he liked, or how he was always the one to come see me for lunch (never the other way around). Sometimes, it's how I failed us both - we were both so confident it would never be me! That I was kind enough, considerate enough, honest enough, smart enough to never be able to stray...and now I have to come up terms with the fact that I wasn't. But mostly, it's the fact that I knowingly, brazenly, uncaringly put myself above the one person who had been with me through everything, and ripped the rug out from under his feet. It takes so long for him to trust, and he trusted me so deeply. I took that shiny, beautiful trust, fashioned it into a point...and stabbed him with it. I truly don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

You aren't waiting for your husband to extend his hand and save you from falling, you are asking him to come down to where you are and stay with you after you get up, dust yourself off, and start climbing back up.

Oh my goodness, this. The reframing from desperation to determination, and from avoidance to acceptance. Thank you so much!

You're absolutely right. I've already fallen. There's nothing I can do about that, much as I wish I could. And I will climb out. I'll slip sometimes, and I'd rather not do it alone, but I can't stay here at rock bottom. The only way to go is up.

How did you fight for your marriage, if you don't mind my asking? I'm doing everything I can think to do, but I hate the thought that I could be doing more.

I will admit that I was in a pretty terrible place and I don't think that everything I did was healthy, but I wanted to save my marriage so I threw everything at it in hopes that something would stick.

I stayed up late many nights, losing sleep and went in to work late and often left early. I wrote love letters and made sentimental cards. Every time he told me I didn't love him, I fought back and told him how he was wrong. I made him my priority. When I thought about him, I let him know. When I thought about the affair, I shared my thoughts. I wrote him a timeline and took a polygraph. Every time he told me he didn't think this would work, I found a way to get him to understand that I was in this for the long haul and would do what I could to help him understand my love for him.

Fighting for your marriage is something you have to be actively engaged in 24/7, not just when it is convenient for either one of you.

xhz700 said it perfectly:

You aren't waiting for your husband to extend his hand and save you from falling, you are asking him to come down to where you are and stay with you after you get up, dust yourself off, and start climbing back up.

Don't wait for an olive branch. Be the branch. Scream from the rooftops if you think it will help. Make him understand that he isn't your back up plan, but the plan.

Thank you, WalkinonEggshellz. This does help, and I appreciate it. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing, but now isn't the time for fear.

When this is done - whether that's 50 years from now or 5 weeks from now - I have to be able to say that I gave it all I had. My regrets will haunt me forever, but I'm determined not to have giving up too soon/easily be one of them.

Nothing less than my best.

Please carefully understand what Walking is saying. Give it everything and this should be top priority above anything else. No holding back. Be very vulnerable. Act the fool.