Yankee
Her actions are very typical of wayward. She’s in total damage-control; minimizing what she did, minimizing the affair, trying to control what others know and probably trying to control recovery too.
I don’t think she’s seeing OM as in active infidelity, but she is still in contact per-se.
I have referred to my LEO past. As a rookie, an experienced officer pointed out one interesting trait in human behavior: No matter what they had done, people will justify their actions. In extreme cases a rapist would claim the victim was asking for it, wanted it rough or led him on. The burglar would insist there really wasn’t any victim because insurance should cover what he took. If the victim wasn’t insured, then that wasn’t the burglars fault… The mugger would insist that IF the victim had complied then he wouldn’t have had to resort to violence… The murderer would claim the victim deserved it or provoked the killing…
It was a very rare occasion where someone would raise up their hand and accept total accountability. As a rule, those that did so were “one-time-customers” with us LEO’s.
Your wife is falling into that pattern. She’s minimizing, denying and delaying. I guess she still harbors some hope that 1-2 months from now she can negotiate a deal with you or work to keep her job. I guess she still hopes her family will think this is just a glitch…
What I suggest you do is simply keep calm and keep swimming.
Three feet of water? No Yankee – you are still in deep waters but what’s changed is that you can now see the coast and take a course for dry lands. See the quote in my tagline? I think the same Stoic philosopher said something along the lines of “a man can drown in an inch of water and still be as dead as at the bottom of the sea”.
Don’t take part in drama. No “she said-I said”. Phone whomever hosted her family event and simply tell them that you didn’t want to come because of the uncertainty of your marriage due to your wife’s’ infidelity. Tell them that you KNOW this was a full-blown physical affair and that she left you for a week. What you don’t go into is trying to “prove” your point, cursing, being abusive or rude. Don’t send mass-posts, don’t argue with anyone about the extent of the affair… Just state your case calmly and move on.
And Yankee – Keep moving out of infidelity.
Right now, divorce isn’t what you want, but it beats having a wife that is still in infidelity. YOU move, see if she follows. Ask yourself (and find the answers to) the following:
- What is your financial situation? Debts, assets, credit cards… Get statements and confirmation on everything.
- Do you want the family home? Can you keep it if you divorce? What’s it’s value?
- Get copies of tax returns for the last 5-7 years.
- Start looking round for alternative accommodations. Would you buy? Rent?
- What aspects of your daily life are wife/family oriented? What patterns do you need to break?
Then Yankee – Detach.
I’m NOT suggesting not talking or ignoring her, but start basing your life on her not being around. Leave the house for a movie this evening. Go to a driving-range and hit 200 golf-balls tomorrow. Don’t sit on the couch all day trying to obviously ignore her. Move on, be calm and matter-of-fact. Talk to her if you need to but be totally honest: You don’t have any need for small-talk.
Make it very clear to her – as in telling her:
“Wife. You are still in infidelity. I don’t know if it’s active or not but you are not moving heaven and earth to show me you want this marriage. I can’t accept you being around OM or at the places you had your affair. I won’t take part in minimizing or hiding your actions. I am moving out of infidelity because I don’t want to remain in infidelity. I don’t believe this marriage can be saved or even that it’s worth saving while you are still in denial and in infidelity. I am moving on. If it has to be without you then I am OK with that because it beats remaining a cuckold and staying in infidelity.”
