SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Aas, which post or can you pm me?

Not having a good day. Made the mistake of looking at emails how she wanted to meet OM on campus and other emails saying how I'm passive aggressive and looking for blood in the divorce to her friends. I know I need to stop it just hurts me--maybe this time will finally do it. Why can't I just get over the fact she is going to continue to live her life? Now I feel like I am back to square one with anxiety and stress.

It's normal for the cheating spouse to rewrite history for his or her friends and family. Expect this. Be careful. Get a VAR and keep it with you at all times if personal interactions seem difficult.

At some point, you will emotionally divest yourself from the situation. But understandably, everything still hurts a lot right now. It will get easier. This limbo-time when both of you are still in the same house is as bad as it gets.

It might make you feel better to set the record straight.

Write out how she started having an affair, continued having an affair and refused to stop the affair.

All of this while you had no idea what her problem was. All of this while you had no idea there was anything wrong in the marriage.

If she wants to rewrite history, you be the one to set everyone straight.

Shocked, my XW did the rewrite of our M. She told it to her parents and sister and her friends, coworkers, and parents on my kids' hockey teams, anyone that would lend an ear to her pitiful tale of being the victim of a loveless/passionless M. Made me out to be at fault, never mentioning her A.

Just from my experience, I carried on and planned my life as being a single dad. When my boys were with me I cooked more and bought less take out (but did pizza night once a week for their treat). I planned more events with them, took pictures of our time together, posted them on my FB account. I stayed in the house and never changed how I ran it when my boys were with me. I kept life at home familiar to them, with a hint of "new and positive" changes to come. I rearranged the furniture in the house and let my boys do the same in their rooms. My boys and I painted the living room, kitchen, bathrooms, and their own rooms to change the "air" about the house and give them some ownership of that change. But anyway...

Anytime I was in the presence of XW's family, friends, coworkers, parents on the boys's team, I smiled and carried on a positive demeanor. Talked to any one of them that approached me just to say "hi". My ACTIONS, countered everything my XW told them all about me. At first, they all distanced themselves from me. I could see the expression on their faces, varying from shock to disdain, and settling on disappointed. But, it wasn't too long before they could see through her bullshit as they observed my actions and noticed it countered a lot of what my XW had claimed about me. My boys were always smiling around me and talking to me. When they were with XW they would have this look of indifference and wouldn't say much.

Soon they all started to approach me, asking me how "I" was doing lately. I would always smile and tell them "Good. Things are good and the boys are hanging in there. Thanks for asking." I would have my moments to shed the truth on the matter by answering their questions with short and factual answers. If they pressed on for details, I would give a little more but tried to stay away from telling "the whole story". I figured if people got facts in bits and pieces it is easier to crosscheck those than trying to recount an entire story. Most people would only need to know something like "My wife started dating, without my knowledge and against my wishes." and it tends to be enough to explain everything, especially if the WW has been acting out of character in their own observation already.

So my overall point is that by DOING things to make your life and your kids life more positive and letting others see these actions, it all speaks for itself over time. Don't worry about what version you need to tell. Just live it and it tells itself. You can fill in the missing details later.

Oh, and the other unintended benefit of my experience were the the single moms and lady friends of XW who would approach me when opportunity permitted. They would ask me questions, not about the situation, but about me and what I was doing in my free time. I didn't date any of them BTW, but it sure was a nice ego boost just to be noticed and be in demand. XW started to hoover me more during that time. The more detached I became, the more control I had over the decision to R or D.

Regardless, my story ended with a D but is was by MY choice.

Hey Shocked,

My life.

Take the high road in everything. Even when you are compelled to play dirty. It works out better for you and it also means you can keep your head held high. The courts will see that you are the reasonable one.

Part 1

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=492569

Part 2

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=521799&HL=38923

Just from my experience, I carried on and planned my life as being a single dad. When my boys were with me I cooked more and bought less take out (but did pizza night once a week for their treat). I planned more events with them, took pictures of our time together, posted them on my FB account. I stayed in the house and never changed how I ran it when my boys were with me. I kept life at home familiar to them, with a hint of "new and positive" changes to come. I rearranged the furniture in the house and let my boys do the same in their rooms. My boys and I painted the living room, kitchen, bathrooms, and their own rooms to change the "air" about the house and give them some ownership of that change.

My boys were always smiling around me and talking to me. When they were with XW they would have this look of indifference and wouldn't say much.

^^^^^^

Exactly this. You are the only one in your children's lives they can come to for sanity, selflessness and integrity. Your kids will see for themselves who is the genuine one.

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:34 AM, October 20th (Monday)]

Great advice guys, thanks. It is hard not to want to be vengeful and go after OM and his family or tell her parents or whatever. So far I have been able to keep everything in check. All written documentation in texts/emails only refers to facts about kids and being happy. Since we haven't discussed divorce since MC last Thu it's been very robotic at home. Just pleasantries and me mainly focusing on spending time with the kids. I have even tried to be "interested" by asking minimal questions about how was class, how was xyz, etc. Of course she never asks me but again I feel comfortable taking the high road. Funny enough I already have people like JDuff in my work circles already talking about how I have nothing to worry about when it comes to future relationships which makes me feel better. Of course my family/friends/IC/you guys all say the same thing so I have to believe the future gets better and everything works out for the best.

Next step--financial disclosures. I am nearly done. 40 more days and then next steps. If I move out, there will be severe budget cut for her. I am sure her parents will continue to support her.

#%}^{^. Just broke my rule. Texted her asking if she would be home for dinner since she asked me to get her food with the boys. She said no her event was still going on. Then I said if you are lying and out with OM that would be disappointing. Is that ok?

Time to get back on the 180 horse.

No, not ok...but we've all done it...and gotten back to 180.

It takes practice.

Climb back on brother. It happens.

Strength

Yeah, not OK.

You need to stop acting as a husband. She is a temporary lodger in your home and the sooner she moves out the better you will feel.

It hurts like crazy because your heart still loves her and wants her back but she doesn't want you. You have been discarded and it's a bitter pill.

You have to tell yourself that it's none of your business where she is and who she's with. She could be banging the Welsh Rugby team and it's not your problem.

Deep breath. It sucks. We know. :(

Texted her asking if she would be home for dinner since she asked me to get her food with the boys.

Ask yourself if you REALLY had to break NC for this. You should be working on taking care of yourself and your boys. You were fired from the role of taking care of WS. Had you not written the first text, you would have not felt hurt by her reply. NC= No new hurt

That's the hardest part I think for me now--trying not to care who she's with or where she is. I know she is still in contact with OM and it drives me crazy. How did you all get through it?

Are you in IC? If not then find one as quick as you can.

In the WS forum I've seen advice given on how to establish mental NC. One of the techniques was to wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you have one of those thoughts snap the band.

How did you all get through it?

By crying, drinking, crying, screaming, visiting SI, talking with friends, staying up all night crying and processing. The processing never ends. I am still processing every conversation, row, day trip, family holiday we've ever had.

Even now it doesn't feel real, sometimes.

SI and friends for support. My children kept me motivated.

At some point anger will take over and you'll stop wanting to be abused. It takes a while to realise you'll be better off without her in your life.

Don't think for one minute that we are cold and heartless. I loved my wife and family immensely and miss them every day. But there's no going back.

You can do this. Keep posting

I know she is still in contact with OM and it drives me crazy. How did you all get through it?

There is only one way to get through it, regain control of your life.

The OM and your wife have completely stolen your life from you, they have completely stolen the control you thought you had over your own life.

Regain control right now.

Expose the affair to everyone. If she wants to continue the affair, fine, but it wont be a secret anymore. I wont be the hidden in the dark fantasy life, it will be known and in the light.

Talk to a lawyer and find out every single right you have. Watch your finances.

She is with another guy, do the 180 and take back control of your own life, don't let her or the OM ruin you or your life anymore.

Shocked,

You are going through a terrible withdrawal of the heart--made worse since she is having an affair in your face, despite your terrible pain. This is emotional abuse, nothing less.

I am angry for you. I also see myself in you, as I am sure many here do. I put up with this for eight agonizing months, as I begged, pleaded, accepted blame...breaking NC over and over. It was nightmarishly humiliating. But I loved my family and was desperate. So I understand. Once she is gone--out of the house--it will get easier. Not easy, but easier.

Go hardcore, even though it is totally out of character for your. Total 180. You DON'T give a damn about her. I know, but pretend. Stand up for yourself with your actions. Words matter not a bit to her. Your pain matters not a bit. This is a stranger, and a bringer of pain. She is not the person you knew, if you ever did. These are bitter truths, truths that I still struggle with and likely always will. But it must stop.

That's the hardest part I think for me now--trying not to care who she's with or where she is. I know she is still in contact with OM and it drives me crazy. How did you all get through it?

Unfortunately you cannot not care. The "care and love switch" is not turned off just like that. If it could be, then you never truly loved her. And you did, and you do. It takes time. I am seven months out of divorce, almost two years from D-day, and it's still pretty bad. But a year ago? I thought I would die from the emotional pain. I was convinced I would. I knew I had to extricate myself from the abusive limbo I was in, as my XW was perfectly content to enjoy the benefits of a husband and family and a boyfriend. So I filed. The switch did not flip. Divorce was its own nightmare. But I am infinitely better than I was a year ago. And six months ago I was better than I was two months before that. And so on.

The only way through this is time, Shocked. The clock ticks infinitely slowly, but it does. The human heart has an amazing capacity for survival. Wrenching myself away from that marriage was brutal, simply agonizing. But I did it. And so must you. Stand up for yourself now. Make no mistake: it will hurt for a long, long time, and your life will never be the same. But you will be a better, braver person. Move. Don't stand still. Enough is enough. Rid yourself of this toxicity. Don't show her you care, even if you do. Walk, sob, scream. We all did. It's OK. You will get through this. You really will.

Strength. Face the fear, accept that you are afraid, and then act in spite of it.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:17 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)]

Geez Shocked, yours has been a painful saga to read. Wish I could send you strength and resolve fed-ex!

You are getting some good advice here - please take it to heart. Many, myself included, did the dance of trying to nice them back, even in the face of stunning cruelty and craziness.

I saw someone say she is a stranger now. I say she is worse. She KNOWS you. She KNOWS you and is choosing to behave this way. A stranger wouldn't follow you down the street, punching you in the face. You need to recognize that the person you THOUGHT she was was a facade. No one wants to accept they were 'fooled' by their spouse, but you have nothing to be ashamed about - you presented your 'TRUE' self to her, she has only just revealed hers...

PLEASE do the best you can to remember that this does get better with time, if you choose to focus on yourself and your children. Please take the advice you are getting here, I can't tell you how spot on it is.

We all stumble on the 180 (I more or less ignored it for a year or so!) - the point is to keep at it, as hard as you can! Please trust this former doormat when I say, It is the BEST way to proceed, for your own self-preservation!

Get her away from you as soon as possible!