3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 12:27 AM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
Yes, I had that phone call with an attorney’s office just an hour ago and he is emailing contract stuff for a retainer for mediation. When this falls through in October, and I’m pretty sure it will, I will have all the paperwork ready to go.
And yes, it’s hard to swallow the promises at this point. I’ve prepped the kids, (Dad and I are having some pretty significant problems, we are really trying to work them out. We love you both, nothing will change that, not your fault, yada yada.) and they’re ready if this happens.
I think I’m a slow to adopt change person, but once it happens, I’m there. Almost there….. just tidying up some messes I have.
He is competing against me enjoying solitude. And frankly, that’s pretty fucking hard to beat. I’m great company.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:53 AM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2025
The peace and contentment that I've found since D has been priceless. It was rough going for the first part, but I'm so glad to be away from XWH's behavior and control.
Hang in there and vent away when needed.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 5:23 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
Asking for clarity-
When you knew you needed a divorce, was it like you still missed them and felt sad, but knew you needed to take the medicine of divorce and everyone will feel better?
In other words, this feels ego dystonic to me. Should it? I am guessing it will (it will feel like I don’t want to do it, right? Even though I know it’s best?)
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:53 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
Oh, yes. I felt sad and grieved for some time. My XWH wasn't going to be a safe partner and I was tired of how he treated me. It was better for me & my health (both mental & physical) to be done with the M and file for D.
Plus, I'd told him if he had inappropriate contact with anybody, I'd D him. Well, he did, so we are now D. Doesn't mean I wasn't sad about it, and I did cry at times.
Now, I wish I'd D him a long time ago. Life is so much better and I'm having all kinds of fun. I can do what I want & not have to worry about his wishes & no more walking on eggshells.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:50 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
When you knew you needed a divorce, was it like you still missed them and felt sad, but knew you needed to take the medicine of divorce and everyone will feel better?
I felt sad but I did not miss him even after I left. It may have been because of how badly he treated me over the years. It did feel very unnatural to D. Everything in my being fought against it even though I knew it's what was needed for my mental health. I also knew my xWS would never get better or change and if I stayed I would be chained to a life of misery and walking on eggshells. My thing was I didn't want to break up the family. That part still bothers me a little even though I am doing much better and am mentally healthy again. Life is peaceful and happy now. The kids have adjusted. I don't think anyone wants to get a D and have their family broken up, but sometimes it is for the best and we can thrive after it. Many times I wish I would have left earlier on in the M I was just too afraid and not financially ready to take that leap yet.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 6:55 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2025
I understand it’s complicated with NPD. I suspect my WH has some level of Borderline, perhaps with some low level NPD (the type where you hate yourself- there’s one where you’re awesome, and one where the world revolves around you because you suck so bad. He has that one) and he splits a bit at times.
It’s hard watching him spiral as I explain I can’t do this anymore. He seems to finally be gaining some insight, but I’ve been sucked into this before….
Reaching out to my therapist. The worst part is feeling like I’m ruining his life, but I point out to myself he made that choice more than 10 years ago when he cheated. Marriages are not meant to sustain the absolute pummeling ours has taken.
I’m a mess. I’m focusing on the tasks at hand. And today, thankfully I’m at work. So there is just taking care of other people, thankfully.
I have this misconception that I should be feeling better now. I know it’s soon. We are still even in the same bedroom.
I have such regrets and want him to be better. But I’ve heard these promises so many times before.
Our MC says I’ve lost respect for him, which is true. He said it’s hard to reconcile a marriage when there is no respect. Which is true as well.
