SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I believe in karma, those of us who have done these things to other human beings definitely do not go unpunished. Right now she is too obsessed with getting what she wants and it will have little impact on her. She will just see it as a good sign she ruined your marriage and that she just has to wait it out a bit longer.

But do take the time to write it down. Any writing you do will help you examine and heal over time.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:00 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

Snowdrop, I wrote a couple of letters to my WH's AP. She works at the same place both me and my WH work. the balls of that woman for having an A with a married man in such close proximity.

I also confronted her face to face, ran into her by chance at work a few times. For months, before running into her, I obsessed about what I would say to her. I didn't want to come off crazy and trashy but just like you, I wanted her to know what I thought of her. I also went to her boss and ratted her out, only after i found out they were still lying to me about certain details. a lot of people found out about it at work, not from me, but that part to me is a double-edged sword. on one hand I am glad her reputation went down the gutter, but it also put my marriage on display.

I would be lying if i told you confronting her and sending those emails didn't feel good, however, that feeling didn't last long. it was a band aid for my anger in that moment. I thought it would give me some kind of closure or satisfaction but in the end, it really didn't do me much good. It's not going to help with the healing process. If anything, it could do more damage to you, depending on her reaction. Lucky for me, this poor excuse for a woman was so worried about losing her job, she was very apologetic and very accommodating but even that wasn't helpful to me. the pain was and is still there. not as bad as it used to be but only time, IC and a lot of selfcare helped me get to where I am today, not confronting that piece of garbage.

on a side note, I respectfully disagree with people who say the AP should not be blamed or that it is misplaced anger. The AP absolutely is to blame for their part. These people knowingly get involved with someone who already has commitments toward someone else. as human beings, don't we owe each other respect and consideration by not getting involved with someone else's spouse?

take care of yourself, much love and warm wishes to you!

Write the letter. Get everything you want to say in there. Don’t worry about being tactful.

And when you’re finished, hand the letter to your husband.

I am truly sorry you are going through this.

Many of us have wanted to influence the AP to be a better or more moral person, but the truth is they are generally not inlined that way or they would not be doing what they did. Thus efforts I might make to convince them to give up their prize (wh) is not necessarily going to go the way we think or hope.

I was on team wh and willing to blame people in his life for their (his) bad behavior, but the truth was he was fully capable of making different choices other than infidelity.

As an example, I might have a harlequin romance book cover model randomly strip naked and offer me sex in a hotel elevator. Truth is he should not do this and that’s on him. But I am in an exclusive relationship, so it’s on me to decline and exit the area. It’s like walking into a bar. They may have amazing tequila, but I don’t have to drink it. A potential AP may be manipulating, but I don’t have to buy what they are selling if you know what I mean….

Even with people who were affair supporters I found that they were not looking to change their minds about me. I just made myself look bad trying to get them to support the marriage. When people have drunk the infidelity koolaid they are beyond reason.

It was exwh who had turned them against me and exwh who they were going to believe and support. A letter would not pierce their conscious es and it would not change their minds.

I would like to think I have healed some in the time since the A and divorce. But there is still a part of me that hopes each of the affair supporters comes home and finds exwh in bed with their spouses, significant others or partners. suppose that makes me petty?

Write it [to purge yourself] then burn it.
The AP won't care, and take great satisfaction that she lives rent free in your mind. You could fill it with hate and filth and vitriol and it will still give her smug satisfaction. As well as keep that door of contact open.
APs thrive on the attention - don't give it.

Living well is the best revenge.

Don’t do it! Please. I didn’t respond to a letter I received from the mistress and 10 years later I still get satisfaction that she knows she was so insignificant, that I didn’t even acknowledge her. If I had of replied, I would be kicking myself today. It took all my strength not to tell her what I thought of her but really, it just feeds into their over inflated ego. Silence is deafening.

I did the opposite of all the advice here. Wrote the letter and sent it. I knew she probably wouldn’t read it, but I felt better knowing it was in her mailbox.

I also reached out to her mother, father and stepmother, and her brother on FB Messenger and told them she’d been having an affair with my husband. I only did that because she had been presenting him to her family as her long time boyfriend and they needed to know the truth. He spent quite a bit of time with them. I made sure they knew just how aware she was of me and our son, that she had been to our home many times, and that she was cruel enough to actually try to become my friend during the affair. It was my opinion that if our families had to know all the dirty details, then her family needed to know too. I felt like they needed to know what kind of person she really was and that she knowingly participated in destroying another human being’s mental health.

WH was so pissed at me for doing that, but our marriage counselor told him that I had every right to do anything necessary (that wasn’t illegal 😂) to help me heal and it was just another well deserved consequence of their actions.

I don’t really recommend doing what I did. It didn’t really help matters much but it made me feel better to know her family knew exactly what she had done and how it had destroyed me.

I had no desire to contact the AP at all. I think she is a sad, naive individual. A bit of a loser to be honest.

Any woman (or man) who is sad enough to remain in the shadows. Hearing ‘my wife doesn’t understand meeeee’ or ‘I am only here for the kids’ or ‘she will not manage without meeeeee’ or ‘we are separated but living together due to z’
Or whatever absolute garbage is said and they choose to listen and believe it is a complete loser.

Even at 16/18 when I was propositioned by married men (happened a lot) I would laugh at them - I saw them as grubby and sleazy and ugly. I would see through their lies immediately. I thought they were sad little men.

Can you reframe your thinking? This woman was daft enough to think she was special and your husband was a catch. He had a 75 metre bunting of red flags behind him and yet she believed his pitter patter. Did she think she was special ? Different? Becausecin all likelihood she was just daft enough to fall for his ridiculous lines. Because many women (or men) would laugh and run away pronto. And those people are the true catches.

But if you want to write I’d tell her family and friends. Personally I’d write it down and burn it or use it for loo roll or bury it. Because such a loser isn’t worth my energy - they won’t get it. They couldn’t even understand ‘my wife doesn’t understand meeeeee’ is the oldest line in the book

I have strong feelings about this. I do not really have the opportunity to confront....so long ago and don't even know last name. That said, has it been current, I would have had to respond somehow. Although the things my flesh would want to do are horrible and would only lead to trouble....I trust God would have me approach it as He commands...when someone has hurt you ...go to them personally, or via letter etc. Basically, the upright thing is to let them know the offence and how it has deeply affected you, and urge them to consider their actions before God. They completely dishonored something God created...both the people and the sacred relationship of a marriage.

If you take high road, it would only lead to good. For your conscious and possibly that persons repentance. My opinion.