Not friends, not enemies. Just strangers with memories.
Serial cheater-is there hope?
I have been reading your posts and at the risk of sounding selfish, it is comforting to know i am not the only one with a WH. Just like everyone else, i trusted my WH unconditionally and never in my wildest dreams would i have imagined that he would do something so horrible to me, to our marriage and to himself. We have a very complicated past and there were times when i felt like the only thing we have left in this moment is our dedication and loyalty to each other and the will to fight through the bad times. We have been together 12 years, 5 years of dating, 5 years of living together and 2 years of marriage. My WH is a recovering alcoholic and addict. He hasn’t had a drink in over 15 years but he’d a very tough time giving up drugs. We spent the first 5 years of our relationship fighting his demons. After three relapses and inpatient rehab, he finally decided to stick to the program and has been clean ever since. I’ve always been proud of his accomplishments and his strength to overcome his addictions and some childhood trauma.
I thought after all those years we finally got over fresh start even though i was realistic about the situation. Years of drugs and lies left me with some resentment that we had to deal with. But we were dedicated to each other and were determined to make it work.
Fast forward to August of 2020, we went to Lake Tahoe my best friends wedding. Though we got into a little argument the last day, i thought we had a great time. Come December of same year, he was getting ready to go to Oregon to help his dad with some projects. Our anniversary is 12/28 he said he would stick around and leave for Oregon the day after. Not sure why he wanted to say, he didn’t even say happy anniversary, didn’t acknowledge it in any way. For Christmas, he ran out the morning of 25th to buy me some presents. I ended up unwrapping a can opener, spatula, cookie sheets and breads new pair of kitchen scissors. To this day i feel so dumb for not suspecting anything. He has always been a very thoughtful gifter prior to 2020.
After he took off to drive to Oregon, my best friend who’s wedding we attended in Tahoe came over and told me what she had found out. That my husband and her cousin, the brides made (it’s always the bridesmaid isn’t it) had sex in the hot tub the night before the wedding. Right outside the window where i was sleeping. Needless to say. I was in shock. I confronted him right away through FaceTime. Of course at first he tried to minimize it but eventually admitted to it. He was devastated. We talked a lot during the week he was up in Oregon. When ha made it home, we talked some more and decided to continue with counseling. Did i mention we were already in marriage counseling when this happened?
Fast forward 7 months (July 2021) during this whole time we are seeing our therapist once a week, the latest phone bill came in and for some reason i decided to look at it more closely. I have notice a number on is bill that had hundreds upon hundreds of calls and texts between September of 2020 and the end of December 2021. After that, crickets until May 2021 when the texting and calling picked up again. When he came home from work that day, i confronted him with the phone bill. WH tried to convince it was only work related. The AP works at the same hospital both him and i work. Of course i didn’t believe his story and after some pressure, he admitted to having an emotional affair with this piece of trash at work. I ended up calling her, confronted her in front of him. AP told me the same thing, it was an emotional affair, did not get physical.
Of course all those texts got deleted as soon as i confronted him about his one night stand in Tahoe. He knew i will be looking at his phone. Eventually i stopped looking at his phone because i started trusting him again. But when i gained access to his email, i realized there was some contact between the two. I also found emails from 12 years ago when we were just dating. What i found out was devastating. He was messing around with 7 other women, most of them at work, when we were already together.
Fast forward to June of 2022, i told him i had found a program that can retrieve deleted texts. He was cornered, he new i would find out anyway so he finally came clean. It wasn’t just an emotional affair, it also got physical. It was one time, never happened again. They also made out at work a few times. I was, once again, devastated. Called the AP again and confronted her again about lying. Last year i was willing to let it go but finding out they were still lying to me about the nature of the affair, i wasn’t willing to let it go anymore. Ended up telling her boss who happens to be the VP of the organization we all work for and it is a religious organization. Not sure what action AP’s boss took but i know she has been gone since and won’t be back until middle of this month. Perhaps she got suspended. But he way, the AP is married also.
So to sum things up, over the span of two years, i found out about his one night stand, his year long affair and his indiscretions 12 years ago. One of the women he was messing around with 12 years ago still works ion the office of his department.
He has turned the page and has been doing and saying all the right things. He is genuinely remorseful and there is nothing he wouldn’t do to save the marriage. Started IC and we are still going to MC together. I am not sure though if it’s too late. Some days i feel like i can make it work, other days i feel like D is inevitable. I am crushed, completely devastated and not sure which way to go. The rage, the depression, anxiety mixed with sleepless nights is intolerable. Never felt pain like this before. Hard to imagine the person that is suppose to protect and love would cause so much hurt and pain. And the kicker about all these stories is the WH or WW never wants to leave. Most of them want to save the marriage and are love with their person. So than why?
PS: i apologize but didn’t spell check or correct any grammar mistakes. Mind is too scrambled to worry about the small stuff now days. But thank you for reading my post
22 comments posted: Tuesday, August 9th, 2022