SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is a true commitment by a BS to divorce a necessary ingredient to reconciliation?

No.

A true commitment by a BS to divorce is a necessary ingredient to divorce.

Divorce should never be filed unless it is truly done to end the marriage - regardless if the WS makes a sudden turn-around.

If the WS doesn’t have anything within their heart, mind, and soul to see that what they did was so despicable and destructive, short of a divorce, then this is thee very kind of person you should divorce.

The WS’s that might, again, might be worth reconciling with are those that confess the infidelity or if they are caught, immediately, and I mean immediately have a “what have I done!” and “come to Jesus” moment and immediately commit to anything and everything, no matter how long or how hard, to mend the the damage.

If they go into the classic blameshifting, gaslighting, denial, trickle-truthing, etc, etc, then it’s pretty much pointless.

I have come to know many who have divorced their XWS and not a single one regrets it at all.

Many of them only regret not having divorced them sooner.

Are waywards stubborn and emotionally malformed humans who won’t do the work until they have consequences facing them?

Yes.

There's no way I would want to R with someone who had to be forced or otherwise manipulated into seeking R.

A WS who is a good candidate for R will R because of consequences that the WS places on themselves, not because of consequences imposed by others.

It's fine if the BS files and the WS says, 'Whoa! I really fucked up, and I need to change.'

I'm wary of a WS who says, 'Whoa! I don't want to lose my BS.' I mean ... what exactly does the WS want from the BS? Do I really want to R with a WS who just wants me to give to her?

Apparition,

What do you want?

I'm with keptmyword - don't file for D unless you intend to D. If you intended to D only because your W was a lousy candidate for R, then it might be worth exploring the possibility of R. Just watch your W's behavior for the next few (3-6) months or longer.

If you filed because you don't want to be with your W, my counsel is: don't get distracted.

*****

I don't think BSes can R successfully unless they're willing to lose the M, but filing for D as a tactic just unnecessarily distracts from the tasks of healing, testing one's WS, and repairing the M, if both partners want R.

If you filed because you don't want to be with your W, my counsel is: don't get distracted.

Serial infidelity, STD, physical violence against me was not enough to make me not want to be with WW and work on R. A failure to empathize and do the work was enough to force me to see the truth. Then I move towards D and want D (I never threatened D) and suddenly WW shows empathy and a willingness to do the work. That has left me confused. At the moment I’m doing all the D actions, but my heart is suddenly torn.

OK, I'll simplify your question for you.

Based on what you know of your wife's actions, personality, character, and pattern of behavior of the course of the years, which scenario is more likely?

(1) Your wife suddenly grew a conscience that never existed before, her heart is overflowing with remorse, and she is not only willing to attempt reconciliation, she has the emotional fortitude to follow through with it, and the capacity for self-sacrifice required to be in a relationship that isn't 100% on her terms.

(2) Your wife is skillful at lying to and manipulating you. She is doing what she feels she needs to do at this moment to retain her hold over you and maintain the status quo that has suited her just fine.

Yes, WW Is a serial cheater having EA/physical with a primary, having random hotel bar pickups, sexting, and using internet cheating sites to procure one night stands. A complete and duplicitous double life with aliases and a burner phone.

Brother read your own words, please end this farce of a M and get out of infidelity, simply put: RUN !!! she's shown you over and over and over again who she is, believe her, you deserve so much better than a proven serial cheater and liar who's been playing russian roulette with your health.

So let’s project into the future. You admit she’s a serial cheater.

She suddenly “doesn’t want a D and is doing everything necessary” to stop a D from occurring. Now.

And once you stop the D proceedings what do you think will happen 3 months from now? Or 6 months from now?

Do you believe she will remain monogamous and stop cheating?

I do understand I may be downplaying the abusive behavior, I’m gentle, but violence doesn’t scare me.

I don't care how big you are, or how much violence doesn't scare you. Her physical abuse of you is 100% inexcusable.

And yes Apparition, it does sound like you're downplaying it. I have had some experience with friends/loved ones that were in physically abusive situations and almost all of them said 'it isn't that bad' at some point. But it IS that bad. I don't care who is perpetrating it, domestic violence is never acceptable. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything else.

FWIW, IMHO she is trying another manipulation tactic. Just saying, but I think the surest way you have to test the veracity of her promises is to proceed with the divorce. My bet is that when she realizes that her manipulations aren't having the desired effect you will see a whole 'nother side of her emerge.

If she's serious about doing the work to fix herself, she will do that regardless of whether you're there or not.

It's sounds like you allowed yourself to be abused by infidelity for a very long time and are now second guessing yourself again.

You have another option. Since you've already paid etc, let the divorce become final (and bury that marriage).

You can always date her and remarry a year or two later ... or not.

Another option, assuming YOU would be open to R if she truly changed, is to go through with the divorce amicably, see how she behaves for that, and let her know you will be open to her if she has clearly changed over the next couple of years. If she proves herself at that point you may reconsider being with her again.

Divorce doesn't have to be final in your mind. If she truly is remorseful and loves you, she would do the work patiently, not try to hurt you in the divorce, and stick to the work improving herself.

That also doesn't mean she goes off sleeping around for two years and shows up at your door on her down time.

Odds of her truly changing and going through with this are almost zero but if it helps you move forward---- and miracles can happen----

I’ve been following your struggles with your ww, and this latest turn of events makes me wonder what your ww’s endgame is. Is she truly repent? Do her actions when no one is watching Testify to her sincerity? Is this the woman you wanted to see coming to you, when you presented the steps for reconciliation to her in the beginning? When you receive the answers to these questions, your path will be clear. You know her better than anyone else on this site, so ultimately your instinct will give you the answer you can live with.

I just don’t know. My head says to move on, enjoy the rest of my life. My heart says stay and see for awhile longer. The thing I miss the most is trusting my partner. That is such a wonderful luxury, to trust and to be trusted. My WWs overall, long term defensiveness, tells me she’ll be unable to sustain the work to rebuild trust. I want to trust, but she should be on the look out for opportunities to expand trust, it shouldn’t be my initiative. I’m not sure I want to invest the emotional labor. I’m exhausted. I’ve been taking a break from caring. Next week I interview a new D atty which came recommended and I think she’ll be good. Didn’t like my last D atty responses to some complex financial questions. This one is supposed to be clever, quick, and respected by other family practice attys. Other attys use her for their Ds. Its, sort of petty, but the new atty happens to be a bombshell. Is it terrible that I like the optics?

Apparition, I think this is your sign that you are checked out of the marriage. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't be in your shoes. Stay the course. Hire the D attorney if you like her. If you change your mind and your WW makes it worthwhile for you, you can always stop the D or date her again when the dust settles. Sounds like to me that you've made a firm decision with your mind and soon your heart will follow.

Its, sort of petty, but the new atty happens to be a bombshell. Is it terrible that I like the optics?

Not terrible. I think that is brilliant. Go for it.

Who else is going to deal with an ex cheater who has kids?

A beautiful lifestyle where she got to act like a carefree teenager and do what she wants with who she wants with little to no consequence.

We are born alone. Divorce and go live your best life because the woman in front of you is not repentant just flailing to save the life she has become accustomed to because you allowed it.

Stop allowing it and move forward. Real respect is her realizing the SEVERITY of her actions and letting you go.

Apparition - can you imagine your life where you put yourself in the center?

Unless she caught me unaware with a weapon, it would be near impossible for her to hurt me.

This is not true. She has already hurt you and her weapon is disrespect, disregard, and entitlement. Might I also add lying, breaking her vows (promise) multiple times, and so on. When is it time for you? When do you get to make boundaries for your own good?

A failure to empathize and do the work was enough to force me to see the truth. Then I move towards D and want D (I never threatened D) and suddenly WW shows empathy and a willingness to do the work. That has left me confused. At the moment I’m doing all the D actions, but my heart is suddenly torn.

Gently why is your heart suddenly torn. By your words she only acted once she felt threatened by your boundaries, by you putting yourself in the center as the focal point. And as soon as you did that, boom she flipped the script to be about her and that fast you stopped putting you in the center.

Can you get yourself to a place where she doesn't matter in terms of your happiness? Gently, the more your actions concentrate on her, the more you teach her and others that you don't matter - that what matters is what she (or anyone else) can take from you. Why aren't you as important as her particularly after what she has done to yo repeatedly?

I hope you understand that my comments come from being in the same place. It wasn't until my therapist asked me why I was teaching my WS that I don't matter that it finally hit me. I hope you know your value and I hope you don't have it wrapped around someone who cannot, right now and in the past, see you as someone to value.

Anyone can change short term. With her track record I wouldn’t chance it.

What is a marriage?

A bond of trust, where we stay at each others side in good times and in bad, bring out the best in our partner, support and sustain their growth, have exciting AND comforting intimacy, do our utmost not to hurt each other, keep an open, honest communication flowing, nourish reciprocal respect and create a space of safety, transparency, love and joy.

YOU DO NOT LIVE IN A MARRIAGE NOW AND YOU WILL NOT IN THE FUTURE, for your W is mentally and emotionally incapable of creating such a space. She would have to engage in a live long effort of unlearning her patterns.

Your D is just the legal/juridical expression of a thousand deaths your marriage has already died. There is no resurrection. You can find each other again, once she has changed, but that is in the future.

So the question is somewhat beside the point. The answer is also no. R comes from the innate willingness to change, not from the fear of ones life being falling apart.

Dublicate Post

[This message edited by Ifnotnow at 9:21 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

DevastatedDee

If you continue with the divorce, you will see with great clarity exactly who this woman is when she starts to see that you aren't being manipulated successfully.

My thought too.

You can always remarry.