SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I like the responses! Especially frozen puppies and bacon. But not together. Ewww.

Just to be clear, I wasn’t upset at the suggestions or the posters. I was just kind of surprised and incredulous. The question in some form or another gets asked a lot. It’s suggested to BS’s that they demand a hall pass or a threesome and it’s posed to WS’s as well that they should offer it. I just never thought it was suggested as a serious idea and so I thought, Nah! They can’t really mean that. Wait, they’re serious? KWIM?

I honestly never understood this line of thinking. silverhopes addrd something so important about poor boundaries and in my mind even if the WS was fully on board, it would be like trying to cure a drug addict from withdrawal symptoms by giving them another hit.

Crap. Now I’m hungry for some frozen puppies. I mean bacon! Bacon! Yeah...ummm...bacon...

some things posted here on SI are helpful, some are not.

I keep taking what is helpful. SI is helpful because some things I had not thought about, some things I can not do, some I need to do.

Glad it was not your wife that made this suggestion, but another participant.

I could not do it, because I can't and would not want her to have a threesome as well.

You have helped so many here. Hope you find some peace. I have always felt bad about how she forgot about you.

best of luck to you and your family. Hope she is not like my wife sometimes, and makes me wonder what she is up to today.

I can't control her, only try to control myself. This infidelity is abuse of the spouse and the children. No justice, no way to make it fair. Never goes away. Hope you do have some good days.

Uh no. Not off base. Whoever said it’s like offering a drug addict their drug of choice...yeah. I don’t see how it repairs intimacy or trust.

Revenge? Rage? Sure. I get those. I do. But nothing would help or change what has happened. It would only do more damage.

Walloped, I stopped reading the thread rather quickly, as I appreciated her post and your journey. I’m annoyed that this far out that is someone’s advice.

I’m going to go think about bacon. Puppies. Wine. Chocolate. Phew. Much better.

Jump into the septic tank with the ws to 'level the playing field' = stupid. Its still splashing about in shit.

This is probably related to the sex on demand, specific sexual act on demand thinking that occurs. It's pretty much put out or get out when it comes to WW. It's been compared to strapping on and giving your husband anal on demand to show how that feels. I mean sex is a big part of marriage and betrayal, but this (and threesomes) is not a huge part of the community or thinking.

I am glad walloped is not going to do.

I think it was suggested because they were only's prior to this.

These are very tough. I think the Mrs is doing a very good job in this regards and doing everything that can be done.

This is an issue that walloped himself must address with himself.

This is probably related to the sex on demand, specific sexual act on demand thinking that occurs. It's pretty much put out or get out when it comes to WW. It's been compared to strapping on and giving your husband anal on demand to show how that feels. I mean sex is a big part of marriage and betrayal, but this (and threesomes) is not a huge part of the community or thinking

. Exactly what I was thinking, smokenfire.

In MisterSister's situation the reason the LTA was so appealing was partly because he became his alter ego. He was "SuperMisterSister". He could brag and boast to OW and It wouldn't be able to call him on it. MisterSister used to like to brag and boast but he couldn't do it with me. I caught him at parties sometimes boasting, bragging and exaggerating. I wouldn't call him out in public but I would give him the side eye and he knew I caught him and was embarrassed. OW couldn't do that because OW didn't know his truth, his history, all that the spouse knows. OW would lap it all up and give him more kibbles and stroking of his ego. It also works that way sexually. They become the alter ego sexually. Things they wouldn't normally do the alter does. Most of those things they do sexually aren't even things they necessarily enjoy but because they are the alter ego they give it a try. They want to please the AP to keep the limerence going and possibly want to be able to do things they maybe ashamed to tell their spouse they would like to try. The alter ego allows them to do that. They then can compartmentalize what they did.

Walloped, I feel opening your marriage up in anyway after infidelity, whether it be a threesome, swinging, or polyamory, is just asking for more trouble. Trust is a major, the most important, factor in all those situations and once you have a WS that level of trust is almost impossible to get back. Even in the best of reconciliations. I feel it is poor advice to suggest that to anyone trying to have a healthy reconciliation.

Please feel free to continue this discussion, as it’s valid, however do not bring information from the other thread over here.

Also, leave the moderating up to us. If you have specific concerns, contact us. Otherwise we’ve got this.

Revenge, retaliation, justice, experience, variety, mummified puppies and bacon, call it what you will, but it’s not reconciliation.

EVEN if you were into that prior to an affair (and one should know that affairs also happen in poly relationships) it is probably the absolute worst idea of “offering” your betrayed spouse a loving gesture.

Ewww I just threw up in my mouth

Want to swap some frozen puppies?

I would but I already sold my recent batch to the meat on a stick guy at the fair.

Next batch?

In MisterSister's situation the reason the LTA was so appealing was partly because he became his alter ego. He was "SuperMisterSister". He could brag and boast to OW and It wouldn't be able to call him on it. MisterSister used to like to brag and boast but he couldn't do it with me. I caught him at parties sometimes boasting, bragging and exaggerating. I wouldn't call him out in public but I would give him the side eye and he knew I caught him and was embarrassed. OW couldn't do that because OW didn't know his truth, his history, all that the spouse knows. OW would lap it all up and give him more kibbles and stroking of his ego. It also works that way sexually. They become the alter ego sexually. Things they wouldn't normally do the alter does. Most of those things they do sexually aren't even things they necessarily enjoy but because they are the alter ego they give it a try. They want to please the AP to keep the limerence going and possibly want to be able to do things they maybe ashamed to tell their spouse they would like to try. The alter ego allows them to do that. They then can compartmentalize what they did.

This speaks to me. Pretty sure this was a BIG part of my ex's A.

I haven't read the other thread yet, but as to the topic at hand with the contextual clues I have here at hand, I think that sometimes a WS wants to punish themselves a bit sometimes. And I think, too, that it might be a control thing.

My own beloved wife would mistreat herself in various ways after her adulteries (and I DON'T mean anything sexually here, btw), but she wouldn't tolerate any kind of repercussions from ME or anyone ELSE for the longest time unless she decided she was just ducky with it herself first.

Not that I really wanted to "punish" her per se (also NOT sexually speaking here), but what I DID WANT was the prerogative to have any questions I had to be answered relating to her, her AP's, the PA and EA aspects of the adulteries...her mother (FOO issues) and brother, how she feels about US or herself at certain given points and times be it in the past or present...

She wanted to be the one IN CONTROL...of herself and everything around her. This was part-and-parcel of the wayward shit that got her in the sack with other men in the FIRST damn place to begin with! Controlling everything she could while resisting losing or giving over any manner of control she didn't want to give up.

So all I'm saying here is that it might not be so much about the sexcapades (hey...I like that term I just coined!) of 3-somes and livestock-related orgies so much as it's being the one that's doing all the "calling" and controlling of the square dance moves and combos of the dancers in question. Some people just LOVE to be the ones doing the shooting at their dancing partners' feet to make them dance and feel the "power" of calling the shots.

Maybe I'M waaaayyy off base there, but with my wife's FOO and maternal abandonment trauma and other abuses she suffered as a young girl, I think that that sense of control was her Linus-security-blanket or "hands digging in to the dashboard on the passenger side of the car", much like MY sense of needing to be in control was for very similar reasons, I might add.

Does that shoe fit or ring a bell with anyone else's perspective or experience?

Walloped-

I am the original poster to the threesome comment. I’d like to first and foremost apologize for offending you. What I posted was intended to help you over the feeling of “one and only” I know see that there is a clear disagreement to what I suggested, and just want you to know I meant well, feel free to express irritation towards me if you have it.

Sometimes, we swing and miss. My comment was well meaning but obviously not the right one for you two, different strokes for different folks

My apologies again, I have to believe that part of you knows what I was trying to do, so I hope you see I was trying to help you, even if misguided.

And edit to say: my suggestion isn’t one way towards only WW. It applied to both genders. Men and women are equally deserving of healing, and my comment applies to both WW and WH. If a WH said his wife struggled with the one and only thoughts, I’d give him the same advice I gave Mrs, walloped. I just didn’t presume to speak on behalf of women, out of respect. But clearly I missed the mark here.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 5:29 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

NNM,

I’m betrayed. He is my one and only. Should I seek equitable sex partners because he cheated? How about he likes strip clubs; should I seek to rub as many penises as he had women rub his? Will that make me whole?

I could go on with this endlessly, but there is no equivalent justice in a reconciliation.

I understand that your post wasn’t intended to harm, yet you fail to understand how harmful these types of posts can be.

Your viewpoint is as valid as anyone’s, especially here in an anonymous internet chat board. However, in the actual posts of a couple trying to reconcile this humongous shit sandwich, you think, and post, about reconciling cheating with cheating.

I must say, it damages me. The stupid little virgin. I won’t ask for a MMF threesome because, while I don’t know much about this infidelity bullshit, I at least know that would put the nail in the coffin.

Posting as a member...

Nicenomore, I believe you think your advice in this particular subject area is constructive. But aside from one member here, who claims he and his wife took turns destroying each other's worlds with cheating and bankruptcies in their attempts to balance the scales - Who else has it helped?

If it's THE answer (and it's your primary go to advice for BH's on here - to cheat back and spread your seed) why didn't it help your marriage?

There is a formula to reconciliation which is dependant on many variables, some of which are outside of one spouse's control. Actions in the bedroom come after NC, honesty and transparency, remorse and therapy. Since affairs are rarely about sex, sex can't fix the BS. If anything, offering up strange sex comes across to most BS's as the WS buying their way out of the doghouse (I see it referred to in JFO as the pussy coma). It's often a technique used by unremorseful waywards to level the playing field and remove the BS's position of having the moral highground.

And I've yet to read you suggest on any BW's thread that her WH should offer up his bum for anal sex in order to heal the wife...

[This message edited by sassylee at 6:36 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

And I've yet to read you suggest on any BW's thread that her WH should offer up his bum for anal sex in order to heal the wife...

AFAIK, he hasn't, but I have. And I stand by it. If I had an A, and had my AP "peg" me (insert a toy/dildo into my bum), I sure as heck would offer that to my W (assuming she was interested). It would seem patently ridiculous not to honestly, and, frankly, I think if I came here and told that story, other people would say "what's wrong with you" offering that to my AP but not my W (assuming, of course, she was interested in it).

Since affairs are rarely about sex, sex can't fix the BS.

The 2nd part, I agree with. But, the counterpoint, the lack of sex, or the lack of being as "into it" with the H as the BS, that can certainly keep a BS from healing. No, it won't fix it, but it sure can keep it from being fixed (if that makes sense).

On the first point, I honestly feel like we have a very small and select group of people here who are all very remorseful, typically "one and done" and trying to fix things. I honestly do not think this is the "general" population of AP's at all, I have no idea for women, but for men, I know a lot who have had A's and yes, they were very much about sex. I mean, how many times do we have to hear the same story from a BH of all the "kinky" stuff the AP's do with their wives before we put 2 and 2 together and think "wow, that AP really was all about the sex". I can't see myself ever seeing this differently, I've seen far too many examples of it in my day to day life, and, I know myself, I know what I want from a relationship with a woman that's "not going anywhere". And it's not to sit around a talk about our feeling and hold hands.

NNM,

I wasn’t offended and I know you were trying to help.

My reason for this thread was to push folks who offer up this advice to really think it through since I honestly don’t get it and I thought maybe (5% chance) it was just me.

But think it through. I get the anger and desire to balance the scales. BTDT. But how does this help? So tje BS can say that the WS is not the only one who had sex with someone outside the marriage? How does that help the BS heal? Feelings of power? What’s the thought process? Plus, there are so many potential pitfalls that have already been mentioned here. I guess I don’t know what the expectation is if someone goes through with it. That once they do they feel better about themselves for a minute? It still doesn’t address any of the core issues so it doesn’t solve anything.

Last, I’ve never seen it suggested to a BW. In all my time here I have never seen anyone suggest a husband bring in another man so his BW can have sex with 2 men together. Just sayin’.

The wayward spouse should offer everything they gave the AP and mean it, albeit reluctantly.

But the betrayed spouse should recognize that opening up the marriage further likely will do far more harm than heal.

My xww gave me a permanent hall pass and offered up threesomes. I have declined.

She was right to offer them and I was right to decline them.

Walloped-

My line of thinking is purely from an experience and injustice s standpoint, not punishment. We all know sex is awesome. We also know that variety in sex is great too, but we elect to give that up when we marry, and enjoy our experiences as just a memento of the past, while happily being committed to the one we love. I respect that. But the only thing I was trying to address is the experience aspect for you. As you have only ever been with your wife, you haven’t enjoyed any variety ever. And that would be totally ok, had she’s not kept up her end of the deal, leaving the scales tipped against you. You can’t tell me you’ve never seen another woman and thought, “if I was single I’d love to have sex with her”. All I was saying is that maybe if your wife was Ok with it, and you wanted to experience it, it would at the very least give you some perspective on the imbalance you feel. But I didn’t mean for it to Ben construed as a mean she of punishment or revenge, more as a gift. To give you an experience that until she cheated was gladly forgone by you, but after she cheated, it was robbed from you. I hope that does make some sense, even if you don’t agree? Again no offense was meant, and I have to emphasize its about making you happy if you wanted it, not about making her pay.

Plan C gave a good summary above- she would be right to offer if you wanted it? And you would be right to say no... just how I see it. And yes, I haven’t seen BW given the sameness advice, although I beleive that case to be the same here, I just wouldn’t speak on behalf of a gender I am not. Maybe it’s more typically a male thought process around sex, maybe not but I do think that WW and WH are equally responsible in this respect.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 7:42 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

The wayward spouse should offer everything they gave the AP and mean it, albeit reluctantly.

When we use the words "should" or "shouldn't" we are not respecting others ability to make the best decisions for themselves. No, I don't feel a WS "should" offer everything up they did/gave to the AP. A WS certainly can't be forced to mean it, even if some BS's force the WS to accept that if they want a chance to reconcile.

ETA: I feel that forcing those conditions on a WS, to have a chance for reconciliation, is forcing the WS to give up their autonomy. It is degrading, demeaning and dehumanizing.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:57 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]