SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

^^^this^^^

I'm so sorry as well.

Strength

I am so very sorry...for your husbands betrayal...but also for your parents betrayal.

When I cheated on my husband...the first person i told was my mom...and while she told me she loved me and would be there for me...she also did what a loving mom does...and reemed me a new one. She pulled no punches...she set me straight.

Then when i told my husband what i had done....she became his support system.

So i cannot imagine why your parents are doing what they have done....I truly dont understand....but i am so very sorry. This is just a lot for you to heal from and you really need them right now.

[This message edited by MrsJohnAdams at 8:17 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

they basically told me there was nothing wrong with him being with other women, that I had to stop being so sensitive and fix things.

In what effing world is there nothing wrong with infidelity.

I am so angry for you. Me thinks maybe there was some cheating or swinging or some crap like that in your parents past.

And why do you have to fix it. Sound like they are blaming you.

My Aunt used to tell her daughter whose H cheated on her to . . ..

dress nicer, fix your hair, put make up on. This is what the older generation told their D's a lot, like "men will be men" and to just "put up with it"

Well, from the explosion of Wayward wives on this site over the years, looks like the pendulum is swinging back.

You do know what they are say is nonsense, abusive and dismissive.

Cheating is not ok for any gender. That is why you two got MARRIED, and vowed not to, and it hurts your spouse . . . profoundly.

Would your H and the parents be ok with you screwing other men? Ask them . . .

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:44 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

DarkHorse,

What your parents did to you is horrible. I don't condone it at all.

But , I have heard of one's natural parents take the side of the WS.

It was mentioned three times in this thread of mine.

"When did people 1st started telling U 2 "get over it"? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=589752&AP=41

Furious1

A week after D-day, my mother told me that I needed to realize that how I felt didn't matter. That I needed to suck it up, not tell anyone about it, get over it, and forgive my WH and my sister because *I* was making the family "look bad."

Squid

My mother was the 1st, a few days after d-day. She was more worried that we stayed together for the kids. WTF

cactusflower

My Mom, 3 months after DD. "Oh my God, are you still thinking about that?"

My family thinks he's a great guy. My brother believed WH that nothing happened. My Dad believed my brother.

I was glad to hear that your spouse is remorseful and that he confessed (that's a double edged sword, but it IS a good thing).

Your parents are toxic toxic evil people. You have enough on your plate to deal with at the moment, but I would strongly recommend no contact with them, they have not ever supported you nor will they do so in the present or future.

Definitely make a mental note to explore that in the future as it colors who you are and how you view others. Not now for sure.... but someday.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really have no one to talk about this with except WH so it's kind of unbelievable I suddenly have so many people who care. I really appreciate hearing everyone's experiences as well. It makes me feel not so alone.

My parents do expect us to take care of them financially which is what they meant by children are an investment. WH is very successful and my parents respect him immensely for that. He is also uncomplicated and outgoing, everything that I'm not. They adore him like they adore my sister. They have always gushed over him and defended him. Everything was always my fault. It is nothing new since it is the same experience I had with my sister.

It is ironic but true that WH is the only one who is actually on my side through all of this and the only one willing to listen to my lunatic rants without judging or criticizing. We were separated for 2 months after D day. During this time, WH was robbed at gunpoint on Christmas Eve. I think both of us had an epiphany that day. He finally realized what he could have lost and how much he needs to treasure our marriage and our family. On that day, my anger started to dissipate and I finally began to forgive.

Thank you everyone for listening. I already feel better just writing everything down. I know I can never change my parents or how they feel about me. I can only change myself.

I'm so sorry that you are in pain and struggling with this issue.

Your WS A is not your fault.

It's really unfortunate that it is a very common misconception that the BS did SOMETHING

to drive the WS into the AP's arms.

"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607

Again, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Sending you peace, strength and big hugs.

Walking with you.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 9:51 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

Dark Horse

I am so sorry for you. Infidelity from your H and lack of consideration from your parents is too much for one person to bear.

I hope you can find a counselor for yourself to get some add'l support and affirmation that you did nothing wrong.

Regarding your parents- you need to stop letting them have so much power over you.

Not all parents are good parents - some are just toxic.

BTW my parents wanted me to marry a guy with a drinking problem and a nasty temper with tons of insecurities and jealousies as opposed to my H who had no issues. They don't always know best.

All of us st SI completely understand your feelings and would have the same reaction in your situation.

All the best to you and your family.

He is also uncomplicated and outgoing, everything that I'm not. They adore him like they adore my sister. They have always gushed over him and defended him. Everything was always my fault. It is nothing new since it is the same experience I had with my sister.

DarkHorse,

This is also my situation. Exactly. My mother always saw me as the problem child and blamed me/held me responsible for everything. Many therapy sessions have been devoted to my asking, "Why can she never support me or take my side?"

Are you in IC? These are not issues that are easily resolved.

My contention would be that since you were raised under these conditions, you are not able to judge love, trust, and acceptance by healthy standards, for yourself and for others. You will need IC to help you separate your parents faulty messages from your truth. At the same time, this may have possibly had an impact on who you chose to marry and how much you are willing to overlook to keep the marriage.

Just so you know, my mom treated me the way that her mom had treated her. Parents do the best that they can, but they have usually been messed up and wronged too. But that does not mean that their damaged beliefs have not harmed you; they have. Work to heal yourself from needing or wanting their approval. They cannot give you what you need. You can learn to love yourself, I swear. It works. (Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson).

From there, or at the same time, work on seeing your H clearly and making sure this relationship is truly good for you.

I am so sorry you have been dealt this hand with your parents. It sounds to me like they have never been there for you. There is no rule that you must be devoted to them in spite of their cold and cruel treatment of you. I am glad your husband had immediate remorse and is supporting you emotionally now.

My parents do expect us to take care of them financially which is what they meant by children are an investment. WH is very successful and my parents respect him immensely for that.

I wonder how much "respect" they would have if your husband wasn't so "successful"? It sounds to me like the only thing they respect is money.

I agree with the advice of OwningItNow. I hope she is wrong, but it is definitely something you should consider.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:34 AM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

DH, first question is why is this?

We haven't been intimate for 8 years and I had gotten used to being alone.

I will assume it's related to this?

My relationship with my parents have always been quite tense. They have physically and emotionally abused me ever since I was little.

or is it on his part?

I'm not much on shrinks and therapy, I'd much rather have buddies and a beer help me work things out in my head, but if you haven't already, you should see some IC to work through those obvious issues.

My parents do expect us to take care of them financially which is what they meant by children are an investment.

Well, well, well, isn't that a coincidence. They certainly don't want the gravy train leaving without them, do they?

How much of an investment did they really make in you? Enough to sell your happiness down the river, it appears. Get some distance from your parents, they're toxic.

What your WH did was wrong and hurtful. It is not something to be ignored. That said, if he's does the hard work and owns it, I think you two might work it out.

That is crazy. I had a similar situation where by my wife's brother actually stayed close friends with her Ap and he would post pics on his facebook page together to bust me. I wrote him out of our lives. You should do the same.

I would give your parents a few books on the effects of Infidelity and then tell them thanks for their support... Not!!! Wow I do not know why some people are like this... I mean it is pretty logical to figure out who is wrong in infidelity.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:03 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

Twisted - WH has always been selfish and uncaring and never needed to spend time with me. From the beginning, I have always felt like a trophy girlfriend, nothing more. He didn't care about protecting me or making me happy. He used the excuse that he was a coward to let me fend for myself. I stayed with him because it was the only way to get away from my parents. Now with our boys, my oldest a special needs child, we just do not get any alone time except in the night. But WH always chooses sleep instead of time with me. Currently though, he has forgo sleep in order to be intimate with me and talk about my feelings, so it is a pretty drastic change after 25 years together.

I know my upbringing has made me hate myself and a lot of my problems stem from that but I have never felt comfortable with IC or taking medication for depression or anxiety. I have always felt that I needed to just have the will power to fix things by myself. I'm sorry but I'm just a very private person.

It has been really hard to write everything out publicly like this but it makes me happy knowing people like all of you do care. Thank you.

I think you should slowly extricate yourself from your parents.

There were times that children moved away and never saw their parents again except for writing letters.

Maybe send them a letter telling them what you had for dinner the night before and some funny things that happened with the kids. And let them know you will write again in winter time. And that you are happy that they have each other.

No visits. No phone calls. No FaceTime. No social networking.

Being born does not require to sacrifice YOU to make them comfortable. They should have planned better.

I know my upbringing has made me hate myself and a lot of my problems stem from that but I have never felt comfortable with IC or taking medication for depression or anxiety. I have always felt that I needed to just have the will power to fix things by myself. I'm sorry but I'm just a very private person.

This is something I can very much relate to and I'm concerned about you. What are you doing to deal with your anxiety and depression?

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:50 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I have always felt that I needed to just have the will power to fix things by myself. I'm sorry but I'm just a very private person.

No need to apologize for anything. Most of us hate to ask for help. Sometimes it's a shrink, sometimes, it's medication (yuk), sometimes its finding someone that can relate and occasionally kick you in the pants when you need it.

Childhood issues, abuse, and all that shit that goes with it can manifest itself years later, on your relationships, on your mental and physical health, on you ability to rationally deal with the life's problems. What we often forget while trying to sort our own shit out, is that just about everybody else is as screwed up as we are.

There comes a time in your life that you recognize your parents faults and mistakes and see them for what they are, flawed.

They, in turn, are products of their own screwed up parents. The best we can hope for is to recognize how and why we got here, and try to break the cycle with ourselves and our kids.

Keep talking, keep searching, keep improving.