SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lines are meant to be useful, and she's clearly stepped over one multiple times.

Your wife will consider it going over the line once.

You do have a number of options and one thing is certain. Your emotions will be all over the place once this is out in the open.

Another thing I wanted to add is I could have tried to get more evidence but it was not needed. I knew that once I found out and confirmed they were sleeping together I had all I needed.

I treated my wife very well. I was a good husband and I will add she seemed like a good wife. I trusted her and we seemed very happy. Something changed with the new job an maybe it gave her opportunity or maybe she has done this before.

She covers her tracks. Her new phone gave her away by location but they either have another phone or do not contact each other unless face to face. I looked and could find no proof.

The other part to this that made me this way was my Mom. My Dad was a sweet guy who loved his kids and held us together. It was tough though. My Mom deserted us and never paid any child support or cared about us. My Dad is dead now and my Mom is still alive. My Dad in all his years never said a bad thing about my Mom after all she did. My Mom tried to call and write me but she would talk about what a horrible man my father was. She ran off with another man and deserted her kids but she was the victim.

My wife knew about my Mom and what she had done and before we were married we talked about cheating. I almost did not ask her to marry me because I thought that people don't honor their commitments.

We talked all the time and it will hurt my wife if I am not able to talk to her after she is served. I have been waiting for a month to get things in order. I cannot forgive her. I always told her I would not be able to forgive her if she cheated. I also told her that I would not cheat on her. Again, I thought we were happy.

Nobody knows about this except my brother so I don't have anyone who has been through this. I will check back later but thank you all for your posts.

3 Months ago life was good. Out of the blue she bought me a very expensive gift. I asked her what it was for and she said it was because she loved me... Like I said I am stunned at what has happened to us. I never saw it coming.

As far as my kids yes that is the one thing I am not looking forward to telling them about the divorce. They go to the same college and I had planned on going to see them on the day that I have her served. I cannot tell them until that day.

I am doing this now for me. I am really hurting and I want to move forward now.

I am going to be honest with them and tell them that their Mom had an affair and we are divorcing. I am not going to go into details after all she is their Mom as long as she does not lie about it. But they will know it was her affair that ended it.

Again, they thought we were happy too.

I have a strong feeling she will be crying, begging, and pleading for you to give her another chance. Have you thought about what you will do when this happens. So sorry you are going through all this. Cheaters are some of the most SELFISH people on earth!!!!!

So does a woman who is very much in love with her husband cheat on him? If the answer is yes can someone explain to me why they do it? I really think she loves me very much.

I struggled with this question as my wife cheated multiple times all while claiming that I was special, she loved me and acted completely normal and happy while I was around. It took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that it wasn't real. Or at least it doesn't match up with the definition of "love" or of a committed relationship/marriage. Certainly she enjoyed the benefits, she loves our kids, she complimented me on the kind of husband I am, etc. However, the reality is that she is self-centered and "love" means something different to her. She has an abandonment fear -- I am her insurance policy against that. She has an approval/attention addiction -- the OM were the answer to that. It was all about her. "Love" is getting what she wants. "Marriage" is insurance that there will be someone by your side, someone to provide for you and someone to grow old with. She even said after one Dday, "Do you think it is ok to have one person for family and another for fun?" Seriously!? Or, after another Dday, "I didn't think we would get caught." It wasn't really love -- it was self-centered, self-serving, manipulative give-me-what-I-want on her part. That goes both for the marriage and for the affairs she had.

I'm so sorry. You've seen this all before with your mom. It is awful that your wife is repeating the behavior. I commend you for being strong and standing up for yourself in the face of all this.

Out of the blue she bought me a very expensive gift.

I would not take this as showing that she really loves you.

My cheating WH would buy me gifts when he was having a A.

I think it is guilt or makes them feel better about themselves and what they are doing. Or just to keep you off guard.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:20 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]

I am sorry brother. But you know what. You are going to be fine. You are way ahead of the curve. You have plan and you are getting away from her. You will not have to suffer through all the lies and months of trickle truth.

Most likely this affair has gone on for a while. The fact that your WW is so good at covering her tracks makes me wonder if this is the first time. Maybe the OM is a serial cheater and told her what to do. Who really knows.

As others have said affairs make no sense. Cheaters do not think like everyone else so you can not wrap your head around it. Don't try to figure it out if you are divorcing.

She is the only one who can figure it out. She need therapy to figure out why she is messed up.

Your plan is outstanding and the fact you have set it in motion and not let on you know something is freakin awesome.

I have never seen anyone come here with their shit together like you.

Strength to you my friend on ward and upward.

Hello SpaceGhost. I'm very sorry you find yourself here. A very tragic story on your hands. I apologize for the length of this post but I have a lot to say.

I also come from a family that was torn apart by mother's infidelity. At 16 I caught her and exposed her and kept on catching her. The difference is my mother stayed. I wish she would have left as the environment that ensued post A was toxic. My father finally left 6 years later. Anyway, very very messy.

25 years later my mother says a bunch of shit to me about her AP (affair partner). long story short my world imploded and all the baggage that I had been carrying around for 25 years came crashing down on me. I have since gone NC (no contact) on my mother. However, on and off over the years I have searched for the answers to those questions that you have asked. I have red more redbook, HufingtonPost and PsychologyToday than any person should have to read in those 25 years. None of what I read quite fit and much contradicted itself. It wasn't until I discovered SI that I got the answers to some of those questions. Here is what I have learned from SI.

Her A, and what your WW (wayward wife) had done has absolutely nothing to do with you or the M itself. Sure it's possible that there may have been problems in the M. Or it could have been a happy M. Point is, happy or not is not why your wife had an A. In some way your WW is broken. How may she be broken? Well, only she can answer that by digging deep to get to the true why's of what she did/is doing. Two things you can cross of your list is that she's selfish. Check. Every A is between two selfish individuals. She had to make a series of conscious selfish choices because that is what she wanted. Next, poor boundaries. She had to have poor boundaries to go down the slippery slope that she did in order to have an A. You can pretty much check those two off your list as to how she is broken. But why is she selfish and why does she have poor boundaries? Only she can answer that and it's usually not a quick answer. Usually those answers are found with a lot of hard work in IC (independent counseling). Many times the issues reside in FOO (famly of origin). Could also be that she's an empty nester and and has piss poor coping mechanisms to deal with is so she fills the void with excitement. Could be that she needs validation from other men. Again, all things that have absolutely zero to do with you or the M. The A is all about her and her issues. You will never get the answers to those questions unless she does the hard work herself to get to the bottom of it. For me...I was able to figure out that my mother was Narcissistic Personality Disorder which explained a hell of a lot more than the A. My mother still feels entitled to her A to this day.

I have also had those same conversations with my wife about affairs and cheating. She has not cheated nor does she have any desire to. I'm on this sire because of my FOO mother issues with the A that broke apart my family. So I'm familiar with those conversations. I also know that an A is a deal breaker for me because of what I grew up with and survived...like you. In all that research that I have done, statistically someone who grew up with major trauma of infidelity such as a parent leaving or having the family blown apart like mine was, we have a much harder time getting over infidelity when it spills into our own M. There are a few sections on that fact in the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (kind of like a bible around here). So you reacting by going straight to D and moving on with your life in many senses is almost predictable. I know that if it were to happen to me I would be done in more ways than one.

Also, due to the traumas in you childhood from your mother's A, the A that your WW is having is going to bring all that shit front and center for you. You have already made a point of talking about it here in a few of your posts. That's how I know unresolved trauma from your childhood is now front and center with your WW's A. Speaking as someone who had every reason in the book not to seek IC for myself...just wanted to be an old school guy and all that, get yourself into IC asap. I'm telling you from experience it will help you. Even if you have to change therapists once or twice (I did) to find one that fits and works for you. One specializing in PTSD would be preferable. Trust me, that's what you are feeling the effects of from having your life turned upside down twice with two different As. Please give yourself that gift. I'm kicking myself for fighting to not do it for 25 years.

Also, gently here, you need to get tested for STDs. So many come through here that find out later that they had something. Do this for your peace of mind and for your health. You will need to let your WW as well as her AP's wife know if you are clean of if you got something from them.

Very sorry this happened to you. Please stick around and get comfortable here. There are many great sols here who can help. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.

yop

Space: You appear to be a man who has it ALL together. Sadly, your wife does not. I've tried to understand why a happy marriage / a good marriage gets blown up with an affair and came to the conclusion there is no understanding it. I gave up trying, it was a waste of time. You made a commitment. Your wife made a commitment. She did not honor her commitment, you did. I do believe people have different levels of what love means. Cheaters don't love very deep or they couldn't do what they do so easily. My xh told me he loved me every day, even through a year long affair. He wasn't himself, though, and I asked multiple times, "What's wrong, is something wrong with us, with you ?" Every time - EVERY time - he blamed it on work stress. The first lesson to learn about cheaters: they lie. About anything & about everything.

Am sure the OM has had multiple affairs; he feels entitled. Am sure he gave your wife a phone for communication. He knows all the 'tricks' to remain undetected; he's done it all before. Your wife is likely dazzled by the money, the special treatment from him and the thrill of it all. What she probably doesn't realize: she's not his first or last. He's not interested in her, he just likes the sex and the ego trip.

Bottom line, SpaceGhost: I wish I had married a man like you. (((( ))))

just after I say I am not coming back to this forum for awhile, I read this...

Space, this is not your fault. It just isn't. If you start to question this by saying 'well these people don't know us' - just be honest with yourself - you know what type of spouse you have been. NO ONE is perfect, but in what bizarro universe does cheating address any relationship problems?!?

She did it because she wanted to - because it was fun, boosted her ego, and you would never ever find out... It is as shallow and tawdry as it appears (and sadly so is part of her).

I believe you when you say you were a good husband. I believe you because I know if there is a way to blame ourselves in these situations, we usually find them - because then we can control the problem. You aren't the problem here. Remember that.

Absolutely continue to prepare yourself and protect yourself. Be ready for a barrage of lies, tears, and manipulations.

Very sorry you are going through this!

Absolutely let the OM's wife know at the same time your WW is being served. If for no other reason than she deserves to know who she is married to. If situations were reversed, wouldn't you like someone letting you know?

Damn brother, I'm sorry.

Strength

Thinking more about this, I'm reminded of a woman I used to date. When you were with her she acted like you were her world. When not, she acted like a ho. So friend I wonder if your WW is one of those. Most crazy making behavior ever, but I fear fairly common.

I also gotta say I would pay money to see her reaction when she gets served. Want to bet she accuses you of being in an affair as her first reaction?

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 10:14 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]

Space....

Sorry youre here with us a SI...but welcome...

If anyone could give me there educated guess I would appreciate it. I cannot forgive her but I would like to try and understand why she did what she did.

OK....ill give it an educated opinion...would like to add that I am NOT a shrink....one of my undergrad degrees is in psychology, so I know just enough about it to be a little dangerous...but I have researched affairs and why people have them - specifically women...(yeah...I had a wife cheat on me - and it blows).

Some women will cheat for the "high" they get from it....much like a junkie on crack.. they are addicted to the attention from other men. It makes them feel sexy, attractive, desirable, etc...and this can happen in otherwise "healthy marriages".... they just crave the attention of other men (mine fell into this category).

My wife was an alcoholic...clean for several years...but had an addictive/ compulsive personality...she traded one addiction for another....again, she got a "buzz" from spending money, online games, and yes...affairs. She was clinically depressed - and had the pills to prove it. She was abused as a child....sexually, emotionally....low self esteem, etc....she was "broken" per se...and had an unrealistic concept of what a "normal" relationship should look like...

I also believe that normal women make a decision to cheat, too.....some will think about it for a long time before they "cross that line"....unbroken women (in my opinion) will cheat if they perceive something missing in their marriage -lack of intimacy, no communication, they feel misunderstood, unloved, unappreciated, etc.....they feel their emotional needs aren't being met - real or imagined...

There are several kinds of affairs too... exit affairs, parallel lives, revenge, rekindled, etc.....each one with different dynamics, reasons and whys.....

I believe that most affairs are an escape from reality.....theyre NOT real, they are fantasy....rainbows, unicorns and fairy farts.....they are NOT bills, house payments, sick kids, trips to the grocery store....

I also believe that the best way to "end an affair" is to "expose it"...tell the OMs (other man) wife....give her proof of the affair....some on her will tell you she deserves to know, its the right thing to do, etc.....Bro, revenge works for me..... OM will probably toss your wife under the bus in an effort to save his own ass...and probably this isn't his first "rodeo".....

For whatever "reason" - your wife made a decision to do this....and its NOT your fault - yeah, you own part of any problems your marriage may have had "pre-affair".....you own NONE of her decision to cheat......

You have mentioned making the decision to divorce your wife.....that's ok Man, sometimes (actually I think "mostly") that is what happens when a wife cheats......its ok....once that trust is broken - its a real bitch to get back - IF it ever does....

Hope this helped......remember this is just my opinion.....

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through! I admire the way you're handling everything, and it's great that you will tell the OM's wife, as she deserves to know!

I agree with others, her cheating is NOT YOUR FAULT! There is something broken inside of her, that's why she cheated instead of filling for divorce, that's why she's capable of lying and pretending she loves you etc. So please, don't wonder what you could have done differently etc. She's broken, and sooner or later she would have cheated, regardless of what you would have done.

Please, find a good counsellor, someone with experience in infidelity, PTSD (you'll perhaps be suffering from PTSD from this) and EMDR therapy (it will help you get over the mind movies etc.).

Also, offer your kids to pay them for therapy, as they will need it to deal with the emotional fallout from all this.

Get tested for STDs (you'll probably have to repeat the test at a later date, for example for HIV).

Please, bear in mind that while it is incredibly tough right now, your life WILL get better again!

Keep talking to us, so we can continue to help you. Best wishes!

When she is served be prepared for the onslaught of trickle truth, blame shifting and excuses.

You will need to be strong

You need to understand that this was nothing to do with you or anything you have or haven't done.

Nothing really to add, just wanted to acknowledge that you have been heard. Count your blessing because of your strength you are miles ahead of where most of us were in the same time frame. I applaud your resolve and feel that you need to continue on your path. You and only you know what the deal breakers for the M are, and she certainly has broken one of them. One piece of advice I want to add is to prepare yourself for what's coming next, I'm not talking legally because you seem to have that base covered, I'm talking about the emotional fallout, your children's reaction to all of this and your WW next move. I suggest you seek out a therapist to unload on, he/she can certainly assist you in your healing. Perhaps offer the same to your kids, as they are of legal age so its entirely up to them but I would encourage them to try it as well. Its good that you have a plan in place for having her served. Her initial reaction is going to be to reach out to the OM, she is going to call him on the false promises he has made. All of the bullshit he has told her over the entire length of the A is going to be asked to come to fruition. Naturally like most OM he is going to dump her ass and toss her to the curb. I would suggest you inform the OM BS around the same time as you serve your WW. This way they can not collude and come up with some bullshit story. Its best to hit them on all fronts at the same time, it does not give them time to react effectively and attempt to deceive further. Besides the OM's wife certainly deserves to know what has been going on. Remember she is going to be your ally in this, no one has ever won a war fighting on two fronts.

What's great about you disappearing for a few days is that all of that nonsense is going to play out while your gone, you wont have to be subjected to the lies, minimization and blame shifting that's certain to follow her being served. But your going to have deal with your WW sooner or later once you return. What I see playing out is that she is going to be in a panic, as said she is going to run to her OM at first and if you have also informed his BS chances are he is going to slam the door in her face. He is not going to risk losing half over some easy piece of ass. Trust me your WW has not been the first and possibly he was not the first for your WW. Being that the OM will shut her out because he is busy dealing with his own problems at home your WW is going to look for a soft landing, and that landing is going to be you. Get ready for the tears, snot and mascara running down her face with claims of sorrow and love. Be ready for her lies to continue and her attempts at minimizing her A while trying to get you to take her back. She is going to promise you the world all the while attempting to find out exactly what you know and come up with a story that does not make her look that bad. The "I'm sorry's, I don't know how this happened, he doesn't mean anything to me etc... The shit going to get real deep what's coming so be prepared. The legal and financial are tough enough but the emotionals are the absolute worst especially when you have a busted, frantic WS trying to bullshit their way out of it. Trust me this is going to happen. When she see's that The I'm sorry routine doesn't work she is going to get vicious. I mean downright crazy assed mean. You are going to be blamed for her shitty existence, your going to be blamed for why her OM dumped her, your going to be blamed for everything bad in this world. She is going to make up some really unflattering stories about you, she is going to rewrite marital history to make you look like a monster. Best to get the truth out to friends and family beforehand. Just be prepared for the war that's soon to come, and trust me D is war. Take no prisoners, show no quarter.

Please keep posting and reading, this is a great place to vent, get advice and receive support. As much as this experience is going to suck, the pain and suffering can be kept to a minimum if you play it smartly and safely. Thus far you have been doing a great job, I suggest you keep it up. Welcome and don't get discouraged, this will get worse before it gets better. But I promise you it will get better. Hang tough bro. !!!!!

as others have said, i love the systematic process you are keeping and most of all, you are a man who knows what he wants and when a line is crossed, it is crossed.

all i would say is to let the her boss's wife know

cheers.

SpaceGhost

Be strong.

Your wife is broken. It is as simple as that. People do stupid things. Hurtful things to people they love.

Her lies and cheating really have nothing to do with you or your marriage.

It really is as simple as that.

Can I make a suggestion.

The day she is served at work and you talk to your children. Please notify the OM's wife at the same time.

They deserve it and it will send a clear message that the lies are over, you have made your decision and they can wallow in misery together.

Be as gentle as you can with the OMW but do not let him have time to spin more lies.

Good Luck and keep posting.

HM

Hey Space Ghost,

To echo some of the previous responses thus far, you have done an OUTSTANDING job of getting your ducks in a row. Many of us on these boards, myself included, fantasize about having the opportunity to do just what you are doing. My dream scenario was to have my WW served papers on the plane just after take off as she was on her way to meet up with her AP. Alas my discovery came as a result of a friend stumbling upon his own WW email exchanges that implicated my WW engaging in the same behaviors. He approached my WW first and advised that she could tell me or he was going to have to do it.

You also now have the great opportunity to help out someone else by alerting the OM 's wife. Hopefully this results in his world getting fucked up beyond all recognition because he deserves it.

Lastly I can relate to your struggle of being blindsided and now trying to figure it out. I am very analytical and always try to make sense of things. Like you, I compare favorably to the OM in every way, except one. He is 13 years my junior. My WW is a gorgeous woman and gets hit on by younger guys all the time. I NEVER worried about it before. So why did she go for it now???

After 3 long years I have finally come to accept the fact that it is impossible to make sense out of nonsense. My WW simply gave in to her own selfishness and then got sucked in by the excitement and fantasy world aspect of it all. For example, your WW lingerie close call probably only fueled the excitement fire even more and I would bet that is a story that she and her AP talked about.

Many Waywards are able to fully compartmentalize their affair and justify to themselves at every turn that they deserve the fun and excitement. We as the BS became the anti fun and excitement by default. Sadly, in many cases, it takes the shock and awe approach that you are taking to bring them back to reality.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverThe Same at 7:28 AM, January 29th (Thursday)]

I admire your resolve, SpaceGhost. Once this blows up, you'll likely be besieged with doubts, but that's OK. I can tell you are in the driver's seat.

Good that you have a lawyer. It may not seem important at the moment, but discuss with him the possibility of a "loss of consortium"; "emotional distress"; "alienation of affection" lawsuit. Confronted with the evidence, and resultant financial fallout, the POS rich OM should be agreeable to some sort of settlement with you. Disgusting prospect, but you did not start this mess.

This is not something the OM can afford. This guy is at least complicit and knowledgeable about the harm the affair can cause. Go after him.

If you divorce, you will certainly be severely impacted financially. No reason the OM should skate. He needs to pay, too.