SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What a story and...

...give him peace.

Wow. Just wow.

Please don’t hold back. Tell me how you really feel. Let it out. It’s not good for you to be bottled up inside so much.

And since you like them so much...

(I know. I know. Don’t feed the trolls.)

MFLM,

It’s a wee bit later in the UK than stateside at the moment, so based on your projection, I’ presume you must be a few pints into your self-pity and anger for whatever happened to you.

Next time, stay away from the alcohol, talk to a counselor or close friend about it, and possibly talk to your WW instead of misplacing your emotions.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 3:57 PM, February 16th (Friday)]

Mrs. Walloped:

This is my first posting to any topic for Team Walloped, but I have followed your husband's postings from the start.

I just wanted to comment on something you said that you'd do with a totally free day, specifically the ballroom dance lessons. What's interesting about that, and Walloped may want to kill me for telling you this, but in his original thread, someone was throwing out ideas to "break the ice" between you two in the early days, and recommended this exact activity! They had done this, said it was completely out of their comfort zone, but was good exercise, fun, and went out for a drink afterward and talked about any thing other than the elephant in the room.

Just made me think it may be worth exploring.

Good luck, and I'm praying for the Walloped family.

Really? That’s so weird. And I’m not making fun of you at all but how do you remember that? Is his thread posted somewhere like in some kind of SI database where you can type in ballroom dancing and see what pops up? Sorry. It’s just funny to me.

Thank you for telling me. Really.

manfromlamancha, you have a pm.

How do I remember this detail but then can't find my car in the lot at the end of the day? Who knows?

But let me say, while all stories on here are heartbreaking, a few manage to make this entire community become emotionally invested in them. Walloped's was among those. His shock/pain/trauma just jumped from the screen. His obvious love for you, his family, his life was clear. Each of us wanted to see him through this. And when he expressed his desire to reconcile with you, well, we wanted whatever he felt was best for him.

Personally, I've gone from hating you, to liking you, and back and forth many times. I hope you do find answers and insight on SI, and, of course, the same for Walloped.

Now go enjoy your weekend with that good man.

^^^^ This too! Thank you. Rest now.

Mrs.Walloped

Thank you for posting. I've followed your husband's story from the beginning. You have a good man, and he has a remorseful wife. I really hope it works out. You are being very brave posting here.

Don't pay attention to manfromlamancha. As another poster said, he's talking to his own WW, not to you.

[This message edited by french123 at 6:44 PM, February 16th (Friday)]

It’s actually three times in my head. Once was a whole bunch of phone calls from my AP right after DDay. All short except for one long-ish conversation. I don’t think we talked about NC yet but this was the man I betrayed my husband with and I should have known that me speaking to him would be just twisting the knife in his back. Walloped doesn’t count this, but I do. The second is not technically breaking NC because I didn’t call him. But not because I didn’t try. My sister stopped me. But I wanted to. And it’s the thought that counts. So that’s my second. The third is when I did call.

Many thanks for your prompt response Mrs Walloped. I do recollect all those instances and I am very pleased that you do classify the phone calls immediately after DD as breaking NC as I agree with you that it was another dagger in your husband's heart to see this happening immediately after you had broken his world apart.

Ignore manfromlamancha as others have mentioned.

Don't ignore Sharkman though. Although acerbic and cryptic at times he is also very astute and may help you both to ask and answer the right questions.

I will always support reconciliation if I consider the WS to be truly remorseful and the BS is on board for that as Walloped is. However, as you have correctly pointed out it still may not be possible for the BS to do this.

Sadly in the several months I have been posting here you and CSCE are the only two waywards that I have personally come across who actually qualify for that support in my view, although I am sure there are others whose threads I have not read! As CSCE's husband is currently inclined towards divorce as I last read then you are in a pretty unique position as far as I am concerned.

Prompted by your question Sharkman did inform you that he supported the reconciliation of LonelyHusband who was on another site. Although I am unable to access his thread now I will say that, as I recollect, his WW did some pretty awful stuff like like denying her husband sex and flaunting going out to a work do where LH was pretty certain her AP would be present. However, LH had not treated his wife well due to a PTSD which she was not aware of, so it was not a good marriage at that particular point in time. It is interesting that his default position was divorce and he also separated for a couple of months. This shook his WS out of the fog. He was a strong man who acted strongly and that paid dividends. He maintained his self respect throughout although heavily criticised for reconciling. Hopefully this little tale will help show Walloped not to be too critical of himself for offering you the gift of reconciliation.

Now I'm on a role I will add one more thing. Although Walloped showed great distress and devastation at your actions on his thread he also spent much time praising your contribution to his marriage and family and constantly showed us all his continued love for you despite his heart ache. He is truly a good man!

p.s. I noticed a question on 'Fudgegate' earlier in this thread but cannot now find it or your response, if any. I would happily cover this in more detail if you so desire, as it again shows the loving nature of your husband as well as the travails he was going through at the time. I will mention it no further if this breaks protocol or Walloped does not want me to as you are not reading his thread.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 9:04 PM, February 16th (Friday)]

Mrs. W.

Mr W won my admiration on how he handled and the strength that he has shown, especially in dealing with the OM. I thought he kicked a$$ and took no prisoners.

As for yourself, I admired the remorse you have shown and continue to show in each of your posts.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 6:16 PM, March 19th (Monday)]

MW, You have done well in this thread, and in the R with your dear husband.

However, there are some red flags that you may need to be aware of.

As has been advised by other posters, this thread may become detrimental to you, your husband, and your R.

I would like to portray it this way.

You are currently opening up the gates of your life, progressively wider and wider. Initially you were honorable in wanting to help in any healing processes.

However, the more wider it becomes, the more likely that feelings, thoughts and memories start slipping through that needed to remain in a more controlled environment.

Can you relate to this with regards to your A.

How progressively you opened your inner feelings, more and more, until there was a need to appease this kibbles you were receiving from it. And then you had to try and return those feelings that had escaped back into this controlled area, but for some it was to late.

Be aware that writing continually 'in this thread' can be addictive.

The old saying..One stitch in time, saves nine.

You can respond approprietly in other threads if needs be.

I wanted to say once again, thank you.

I am ultimately concerned as others have posted that you may need to step away sometimes from this site.

I also wanted to give you some encouragement.

Several people have asked how they can know that their spouse is in it for the long haul.

The only way to know that is living it.

I assume as someone else posted that you're about 2.5 years out. My wife and I are pretty close to 2 years ourselves.

I really feel as if you and her are very similar.

I honestly assumed that when she came back to me, that she would change for a week or two then be back to her old wayward mindset.

That just hasn't happened. That to me is one of the biggest clues that you and her truly get it.

This is hell for everyone involved.

As a song goes,

Until you stop breathing

Until you stop bleeding

Until your heart stops kick-drum beating

When it's hard times

When it's long days

And the enemy is right up in your face

When your back's against the ropes and you're feeling all alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Never give up, never give up)

Keep letting your light shine (Holding it high as long as you live)

'Cause I'm never gonna leave you

Always gonna see you through to the other side

Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good

fighting the good fight, good fight

Even in the road blocks (yeah)

Even through the rough spots

When you're feeling you've given all that you've got

I'm with you in the next step

Giving you in the next breath

I'll be the voice saying "You're gonna make it"

When you're out there on your own

You are never alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight)

(Never give up, never give up)

Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine)

(Holding it high as long as you live)

'Cause I'm never gonna leave you

Always gonna see you through to the other side

Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good

fighting the good fight, good fight

Just keep on singing (Keep on singing)

And keep on dancing (Just keep on dancing)

Joy will be your banner

And My love will be your anthem

And you may never know what your tomorrow holds

But you can know that I am holding your tomorrow

Keep fighting the good fight

Keep letting your light shine

Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight)

(Never give up, never give up)

Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine)

(Holding it high as long as you live)

'Cause I'm never gonna leave you

Always gonna see you through to the other side

Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good,

fighting the good fight, good fight

Fighting the good fight

Just adding to my previous comment, my feelings is for you to return to the confines of your R. Return to ensuring that your 100% is directed primarily in the healing of both you and your dear husband. This may take up 5yrs total, and is best realized when it is your husband that advises that we are reconciled.

Do not take anything for granted until then.

I am a sentimentalist at heart, and wish the best for your family.

We did the Ballroom Dancing! I can’t recommend it highly enough. For us it was better than counseling. We took them to prepare for our son’s wedding but found the lessons to be such a distraction from all of our A and reconciliation talk. True healing happened on the dance floor. We found “us” again!

@MrsWalloped

thank you for taking the time to answer all the questions blasting at you. i rarely post but a couple of questions popped up when i read this thread that people seem to have missed.

So I’ve actually not received the same attention like I did before, which is a good thing, and I’m developing the frigid bitch reputation at work. I’m fine with that.

why did you use the phrase "frigid bitch" instead of "married woman with healthy boundaries"?

what kind of attention were you encouraging before discovery day?

I even suggested setting him up once with one of the secretaries. I never considered him as a sexual person or as a possible romantic relationship. It never entered my mind. So no. I didn’t see it coming. Not at all.

in my experience, women don't set up guys with other ladies unless they too are attracted to him. so your statement about not considering the affair partner as a potential romantic relationship doesn't make sense. it makes less sense seeing that you eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. if you would like to, can you expand on why you were trying to set up your affair partner with someone when you were attracted to each other from the beginning? that doesn't make sense either.

[This message edited by nosmilesleft at 1:49 PM, February 17th (Saturday)]

I seem to remember that W caught you bc someone saw you holding hands with your AP out in public. Considering you spent so much effort hiding the A from W, and keeping it secret, why then hold hands in public? Did you just not want to tell him no to holding hands?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:45 PM, February 17th (Saturday)]

Because they live in NYC, and they were in a different part of the city than where the Walloped family lived, they probably thought they would be able to hide in plain sight.

I live in a small town. If I were to walk down the street holding hands with another woman, my wife would know within the hour. So would my mother, grandmother, high school guidance counselor, etc. In NYC I'm sure it's easier to get away with. Plus she was in a fog. I'm not a WS, but I know a little about "the fog". I've never outright cheated on my wife, but there have been times where I have behaved in an inappropriate manner with other women... mostly just flirting and talking about sex. I just got caught up in the moment, and wasn't aware what my actions probably looked like to others.

These questions are starting to border on the absurd.

Ok ballroom dancing would be a great thing to do with your husband. You have to hold each other, move together, look each other in the eye while you are dancing, forget about the affair for awhile and just enjoy each others company. Do this on a regular basis. Make it something special that only he and you share.

Hi SorrowfulMoon,

I noticed a question on 'Fudgegate' earlier in this thread

I didn’t see any question about that. What is Fudgegate? Sounds funny and ominous at the same time. Feel free to ask him if he’s okay with you asking me about this. Now I’m so curious!!! Okay, I’m going to ask him!

ETA: He laughed and rolled his eyes but wouldn’t tell me! He said you could though. AAAHHH! What is it?

Hi paboy,

However, the more wider it becomes, the more likely that feelings, thoughts and memories start slipping through that needed to remain in a more controlled environment.

Can you relate to this with regards to your A.

Yes I can! Thank you for the warning. I’m trying to be more mindful about what I post and how often. I’m still learning. Thank you.

Hi Ginny,

I’m sooo excited to hear that! I’m going to bring it up to him. Thank you!!!

Hi nosmilesleft,

why did you use the phrase "frigid bitch" instead of "married woman with healthy boundaries"?

Because I meant what I said. A coworker told me I was developing the “frigid bitch” reputation. She did not tell me I was developing the “married woman with healthy boundaries” reputation among the male coworkers.

what kind of attention were you encouraging before discovery day?

I’m going to try to say what I’m about to say as nicely and as matter of factly and as honestly as possible without ego.

I am objectively a very pretty woman. People say I’m beautiful. I am in very good shape (in clothes at least), petite, and I have curves. I have received attention from men my whole life. I’ve been with my husband since we were teenagers and we got married young. I didn’t want any of that kind of attention and I certainly never “encouraged” it. I don’t want to create a whole argument about your use of the word “encourage” (I think there was a whole thread recently in another section on this) but just because a woman receives attention from men DOES NOT mean we encouraged it.

in my experience, women don't set up guys with other ladies unless they too are attracted to him.

Really? Then it sounds like you have very little experience.

Everyone is a potential set up. At least to all the women I know. And my focus wasn’t on him, it was on the woman I wanted to set him up with.

Hi GoldenR,

Considering you spent so much effort hiding the A from W, and keeping it secret, why then hold hands in public? Did you just not want to tell him no to holding hands?

Honestly I didn’t spend that much effort hiding it. It was really easy. My husband trusted me (I know ), it was normal for me to go to the city, and even though my husband worked in Manhattan we were in a totally different area. Fenderguy is right. Have you been to Manhattan? There aren’t any corporate building in the Upper West Side. And who would see me? I don’t live there, I live in the suburbs. It’s not really a place you go unless you have a specific reason. I know how this all sounds, but I wasn’t calculated like that about it. Really I just did it without thinking because I wanted to and getting caught never entered my mind. And the someone who caught me was my BIL.

What is Fudgegate? Sounds funny and ominous at the same time.

Well, it's actually sad and beautiful.

When you husband went west with a friend to try to get his head clearer after DDay he came across a corner fudge shop. His instant first thought was to get you some because he knew you would like it. And he anguished whether to give it to you. He was aware of how absurd it seemed, to do something that normal. He decided to give it to you.