SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't decided anything as yet - I always said I would give this sometime to see what actions the WW takes.
My update gives you a little window into those actions I guess some of which she's seems to be backtracking on.
I have said she needs IC she agreed but then didn't follow up as an example. At the end of the day its looking more like D than R at this point but my personal circumstances are now seriously screwing this up in terms of plans to just be able to start over.

I have contacted J2 as I want to look him in the eye but also to see if he is still in contact with my WW. If she mentions anything about it I will know. If not then I still want to talk. His wife knows nothing about this...
J1 some other posters have suggested talking to him and its been long enough that I do want to see what he has to say that my WW didn't want me to see.

TAG

Now you've finally realized that your WW is a selfish woman. All her stories are all about her. In her perspective, it about her. Moving forward, it's about her.

It's not about fixing your marriage. It's not about attending to your needs. It's all about her and she expects you to go along with it. The affair is done so she expects you to move forward with the marriage as if nothing bad happened.

All the best!

I have contacted J2 as I want to look him in the eye but also to see if he is still in contact with my WW. If she mentions anything about it I will know. If not then I still want to talk. His wife knows nothing about this...

J1 some other posters have suggested talking to him and its been long enough that I do want to see what he has to say that my WW didn't want me to see.

Sometimes we lose ourselves in the attempt to determine the whole truth. But keep in mind you will be receiving information from, at the very least 2 possibly 3, proven liars and cheaters. (edit: re-read your post - all of them are liars and cheaters) I wouldn't believe anything they say, particularly since your wife and J2 have significant reasons to continue to lie. It's extremely unlikely you will get full disclosure, even with a polygraph. You will have to come to terms with that.

Rather than focusing on proving your wife is still lying (she probably is), you would be better served taking steps to remove her from your life, at least for the foreseeable future. She still doesn't get it and maybe she never will. Act accordingly.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 10:52 PM, Tuesday, August 31st]

^ What AnOminousMan said. You've found out she was cheating with J1 since 2017. Involved with J2. What more do you really need to know?

I wonder at this point if your pursuit of all the details is just you kicking the can down the road... postponing difficult decisions.

You have two daughters (I don't know if you told us their ages), you're worried about how divorce would affect your daughters, and you want to keep J1 (a bad dude) away from them, divorce might put that asshole in their lives.

Reconciliation with your wife is going to be mean living in a pretty crazy marriage. She cheats and lies for years, she'll be a promiscuous, lying room mate I guess, but you will have a two parent household. Beyond the parenting, hard to be proud of her I think with your family and friends, and you're going to have a lot of anger you'll need to deal with. You'll have to come up with a strategy for trust... Don't Ask Don't Tell essentially just don't give a shit, or alternatively chasing around after her telling her to behave maybe with a PI on speed dial to give you reports. Eventually she might prove trustworthy again (sorry OP but you'd have to give me long odds to take that bet).

I think you have enough info now to know what/who you're dealing with.

TAG,

If you are still undecided, then I suggest you have a clear discussion with your WW. You can give her the gift of clear expectation.

Something along the lines of "I have not yet decided if I want D or not. At a minimum you will need to take responsibility for your actions, fix yourself to become a safe partner and then I will reevaluate.

You don’t want to go to IC? That is your choice. As an adult, you are free to make choices and decisions. I also make choices and decisions and I won’t consider R with an unsafe broken partner."

This is more than she deserves but the above aligns with a BS who is still undecided.

Thanks all, again taken on board all comments and appreciate the responses.

TAG

Dump her. That is my short and sweet answer. You only live once and she's a vampire sucking out your soul.

How are you today TAG ?

Sorry its been a while - loads of issues to deal with at my company - had to make 100+ lay offs this past week so unfortunately things are not going very well on that front, and honestly that's where I have been spending most of my focus recently.

In terms of WW - I had a frank conversation about IC - no more sitting about waiting, just basically said do it and do it now. Her first session is this week, she's also reading Healing From Infidelity which seems to be hitting home at some level. She seems to be finally understanding the hurt she has caused more so than previously. I'm finding myself detaching more and more from her - that maybe due to the work situation I don't know....

My only issue is I don't sleep - I'm literally up all night thinking about both situations and how it's all just come at once, otherwise I am keeping myself fit - genuinely think I'm in the best shape I've been for years.

TAG

had to make 100+ lay offs

I feel sorry for those workers. We're in tough times.

So what's the status at your home now? Do you still sleep in the same bed? Do you still act like a normal couple?
What are your plans about talking to the J's? Will you still push through it? In my view, it's better not to go through it. You won't learn new things from them. That's just me but it's on you.

All the best!

I’m sorry it feels as though everything is hitting you on all fronts from work, home life, etc.

I understand the not sleeping aspect because the first 90 days after I learned of my husbands affair I literally slept 45 minutes each night. Meanwhile the cheating spouse is laying in bed next to me snoring away like nothing is wrong

I don’t have a sleep answer for you except to say that eventually it did resolve itself and slowly but surely I was able to start to get 6 hours of sleep each night.

I’m glad to see that your spouse is finally starting to do some of the work towards reconciliation. I understand your feeling that it might be "too little too late" for her at this point. I didn’t have that issue to face because my husband so desperately wanted to reconcile, that he immediately started making changes and doing everything he could to make amends.

I don’t know if you will be resentful towards her that she didn’t make the effort necessary months ago and you basically had to give her an ultimatum to get therapy or it’s over. While that doesn’t show a willingness to make amends it’s also some thing that can just irk you for no damn good reason.

While reconciliation is a long healing process, just know that you have the choice at any time to change your mind if that’s how you really feel.

You are not obligated to commit to anything at this point because you are still healing from the trauma of being blindsided by your wife’s behavior And poor choices.

My husband has made some very long lasting changes and he did this on his own. I am fortunate he understood immediately the damage he’s done to both me snd our marriage.

Just know some things are not repairable. Like her affair - it will never not be there whether you reconcile or D.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:43 PM, Tuesday, September 7th]

Externally you would probably say we are acting 'normally' mostly this is for the sake of my D's

I have heard back from J2 - I had to push a bit to get a response basically said I was going to turn up at his house for a chat if I didn't get a response. He of course started saying stuff like moved out and no longer lives there, wife kicked him out etc he also sees no reason to meet and talk - after a few messages back and forth I basically thought no point in talking to this a hole any longer as he's full of shit.

Not heard anything back from J1.

The1stWife - thanks for post - I also wonder how on earth can you sleep at night!

TAG

[This message edited by TreesAreGreen at 1:47 PM, Tuesday, September 7th]

He of course started saying stuff like moved out and no longer lives there, wife kicked him out etc

Be careful, that might be a lie to keep you far far away from his wife (does she know everything?)

He of course started saying stuff like moved out and no longer lives there, wife kicked him out etc he also sees no reason to meet and talk

Translation - Oh shit, please do not blow up my life. His word is about as useless as it gets. Stop by and see for yourself.

Oh he's totally full of shit I know that, his wife has no clue, and as far as I can tell he still lives there. The OBS still has all her social media as 'married'! Its one of the issues I had highlighted earlier in my thread. Oh and its not the first time he's used that line either as that's the BS he also told my WW.

TAG

I still say your biggest hurdle is her ability to convince you that you’re the love of her life and not J1.

I think J1 is probably always going to have a place in her heart.

That’s something I couldn’t live with. I’d need her to hate him. I’d need her to stand beside me and be able both she herself and J1 were pieces of crap to do what they did.

And J2 was nothing. An insignificant dead ant on the bottom of her shoe. But he’s not the issue here.

It’s all J1 if I am gathering this correctly. And until he’s the worst person on the planet to her and you are absolutely the best, there’s nothing that’s gonna allow you to find happiness with her.

Stevesn - think your spot on. Its almost like J2 was a test run for the main event - J1. He was the exit A that eventually went wrong. Would she ever admit that? Would she run off with him if he turned up at my front door?

TAG

Oh he's totally full of shit I know that, his wife has no clue, and as far as I can tell he still lives there. The OBS still has all her social media as 'married'!

Have you spoken to OBS?

How do I sleep at night? The first year after dday2 was a bit rough but I slept better b/c I had an exit strategy in place. That was my anti anxiety medicine so to speak.

I knew I could leave at any time and I would be okay. I would survive and heal and life would go on.

My H knowing that I was planning to D him after dday2 and this being his 2nd affair caused him to lose sleep. I really didn’t care b/c he created this problem and it was up to him to solve it — and I provided no help or support.

Eventually your mind starts to accept the trauma snd things calmed down. Plus my excellent therapist helped me to keep my sanity. I never yelled or cursed my H souring the affair. I was calm and rational b/c someone had to be (and it certainly wasn’t him during the Affair fog).

You will get there - it just takes time. I had a crappy work situation at the time if the affair plus dealing with a kid in an abusive bf/gf relationship. I was the voice of reason. Had no other choice.

Would she ever admit that? Would she run off with him if he turned up at my front door?

My hope is that you make admitting he wAs everything to her, and then proving he’s now pond scum to her a requirement for any chance at R. Speak it clearly and plainly to her.

I’m not recommending R. But if you are going to pursue it at all, her work has to include the above.

Living life as your partner’s number 2 or 3 is not a fulfilling existence.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:16 PM, Tuesday, September 7th]