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TAG I have followed your story and I agree your wife is spinning a tale that you cannot unravel. Time to lay it all out there starting with your family and her family. Then with you daughters. You wife had sex with 2 different guys during the marriage. One on purpose the other to keep a secret as she said. She supposedly got and STD (or worse) that she could have given to you o worse. Now the question is what do you want to do. For John number 2 to come clean to his former wife means the secret she so hard tried to keep is out there. Time to cut your losses and thank her for your daughters and move on. Let her know in no uncertain terms people know. John's wife is not keeping this to herself. She will let everyone know the kind of person he is and the kind of person your wife is 2 times. Time to control the narrative and move on. That is my opinion and the decision is totally up to you. In my opinion John number 1 is a tool and will dump you wife after a year and let her know that. His first wife knows him better than her. Time to get out of this mess just for you and your daughters. Hidden secrets will only hurt them later on in life.

DeWittle

The problem I see is that will wear-off and WW will see it as THE great sacrifice the POS made to prove his lurv. Rainbows and uniform farts, stay strong brother

Really? Surely by now she sees this guy for who he really is.....?

Brother you’re attempting to apply logic and rational behavior to a cheater. Two things they forfeited to gain the cheater mindset, hence the rainbows and unicorns.

One other point here, I cannot stand the thought of this POS anywhere near my children now I know his full capability - that is definitely one of the reasons I don't want to kick her out and expose them to him.

Fear. This statement is about fear. She had 3 men at once but you fear J1. I would fear her and what SHE's capable of. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

Fear is real. You need to make sure that you are not a monster, but you need to show that you are a man to be feared. Having power and using it are two different things.

Being cold, calculated and systematic you need to sort through this problem. You have the upper hand both strategically and ethically. There is nothing stopping you from doing this.

Circle your wagons legally. Regularly keep in contact with others than she has betrayed, which includes her own family. Do not play games with her, just clearly state your position in four sentences or less and LEAVE IT THERE. You don't need to or owe her hours of providing color. She's an adult and anything beyond stating facts is her just playing games. The ball is in her court and she needs to figure out on how to play it.

During DD1 she said something like 'don't push me towards him' - at that point I suspected an affair but couldn't prove it.

A week later at DD2 she said 'don't want to be with him' obviously DD2 came about following him kicking her to curb so she had no choice at that point anyway.

I know this question may sound disingenuous and somewhat rhetorical in the face of her previous behavior, but does she explain why she has such a need to "be with" anybody? "Don't push me towards him?" Surely that is her choice in life, not any predestined outcome of your divorce. The OM has displayed his character, so has your wife. There are clear downsides to her deciding to end up with him. So, why does she feel like this is something she "has" to do?

I'm a BS, so I'm not sure how the mindset works, but I didn't feel COMPELLED to be with anyone after I went through this heartache.

Hello TAG, I find it interesting that your "SI name" includes "Trees". My observation is that you have a forest/trees issue. Your posts are filled with highly granular level detail, but they don't show that you're stepping back and viewing the big picture.

Your WW fucked another man, thought she got an STD, and then started a sexual relationship with your friend.

By the way, among other things, she put your life and health at risk.

She's only started talking about it after she was outed by John 1's BOW, and then it's been nothing but trickle truth, minimizing, and general DARVO.

What the heck are you doing? Stop engaging with her. Just stop. Implement the hard 180, get some space, and breathe. Then visit a lawyer and start the process of getting yourself emancipated from this lunatic.

I will tell you that filing for divorce isn't the end of the line. It simply forces her and you to separate a bit and start to look at an actual deadline.

It has been years and JUST NOW you are getting progress.

How long will the process for divorce take?

I am betting it will take at a minimum a year since kids are involved.

So, start the separation now. Then she has until the divorce is finalized. You can call it off at any time. I setup my filing and my wife worked as hard as she can to stop that clock. Some wives will wait until the last minute to get their rears in gear.

You already gave your wife a lot of time to fix this marriage. Put on some more pressure.

2X4 below so read at your own risk.

I would also chat with J1 to hear what she is trying to hide with him. You know they both are liars, so just take whatever he says with a grain of salt, but he will probably tell you something she is covering up to either get her or revenge. This could be dangerous for your mental health, but you are playing with fire by turning down the heat on your wife when you know she is fence sitting. So, maybe you need the kick in the teeth from J1. This is advice I would consider only if you back off on the divorce train more. It is lighting your anger up again to see what is happening.

Horrible.. just horrible. She had the 3 of you going all in the same time... Sorry, but you need to move on here. She will never be the one that you saved yourself for. You will never look at her the same ever again! The life you thought you had was never. You have been blindsided by someone with a cold heart. Some people's "why's" are simple.. pure selfishness. Why should you have to eat through a shit sandwich you had no part in making. She made several conscious decisions to expose herself and her heart to 2 (perhaps more) men while still professing her commitment to you... and you thought she was self-conscious... I can truly say that no man ever regretted divorcing a cheating wife!

"I am starting to think most of the grief I am seeing is actually her getting over J1"

This is entirely possible, perhaps even probable and likely.

Thanks all again for the posts however hard they are to read.

As I said earlier in this thread before I posted here I read a good deal on this forum, when I used to read on the JFO group I would be the first to be thinking just do it, get rid, move on.....and yet here I am with my own thread hanging onto something which I already know is gone.

Do I look at my WW the same as I did? Of course not, can I believe this is the person I married? No I can't - and then my wonderful friend of 30+yrs.....another betrayal.

I hate the fact she has ruined my family. I hate the fact I trusted two people and this was the result.

I can't see me trusting anyone like this again.

TAG

I would also chat with J1 to hear what she is trying to hide with him.

Risky af but I think this is a very good idea.

I would be the first to be thinking just do it, get rid, move on.....and yet here I am with my own thread hanging onto something which I already know is gone.

Very common and understandable.

I can't see me trusting anyone like this again.

You may. Too early to even ponder. All your thoughts, time and effort and should focused on getting yourself past this nightmare. To get to a place where you can start healing, then thinking about future relationships. I'm so sorry your wife has done this. But you will pull through.

I guess what I mean is,

from what I've seen, R is quite a bit of work. But at least for a while, it seems most of the work falls on the BS. Very generally speaking, there isn't much incentive for the WS to do much to return to homeostasis until there are real, perceivable consequences. Their life needs to fall apart for them to pick to see what has happened and for them to decide if they will pick up the pieces or remain broken.

If you're in R, one way or another you're going to be the ductape that shoddily keeps everything together until it eventually falls apart. And if you're still there when that happens,maybe you'll have a shot at being one of the luckier stories.

D is for you first and foremost. But it could also be an expedited way for your WS to change as well. Not that I have any intention to get back with my EX, who was the one that didn't want to R. But going through D, living with her AP and their child, failing, and then seeing how our friendship is still there and how much I care for her kid has at the very least given her a lot to reflect on.

I don't think she'd have ever shown remorse if we had decided on the R route. But D has led to some strong moments between us.

Ganondorf: thanks, that makes sense to me now.

But going through D, living with her AP and their child, failing, and then seeing how our friendship is still there and how much I care for her kid has at the very least given her a lot to reflect on.

Would it be reconciliation or a soft place to land temporarily?

Definition of friend - loyal, honest, trustworthy.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:32 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]

Trees,

You should revisit the conversation when you're wife admits she is not in love with you. This is by far the worst possible situation especially when it comes to R.

You generally just won't get much out of a WW if she isn't really in love with you. You need to ask yourself if you really want to try to fix things with a woman that doesn't love you the same way you love her..

Browsing: I have revisited that conversation a number of times and I get the don't feel like that anymore I know I love u etc

It is difficult to believe that obviously!

Have to say things have been improving lately in terms of actions and not just words but I am sceptical most of the time as you can imagine...

TAG

I love her so she must love me too. Nope, not necessarily.

It’s a shock upfront but time will bring clarity.

TAG

If I were you I’d re-read all 7 pages of this thread again. Things that didn’t resonate for you early on may hit home now. Of course I’d like to put a plug in for my two long posts on page 4.

Anyway I have to be honest, if I thought my wife was more in love with the man, former friend, piece of shit, that she was fucking for years I would let her know that I thought that. I’d tell her straight out that I know she will always love him more than me and unless she absolutely could prove differently, I’d let her know that i will be working on myself and moving on.

As I have said, you can slow walk the D process, but I believe her inability to even do the most basic actions a WS should take deserves you starting on the path to legally end the marriage she destroyed.

And again, if it were me, If it took being served D papers to make her start doing what she should have been doing all along, then I’d tell her “too little too late” and finish the process.

I’m sorry but that’s how I see it. I’m all on board with trying to rebuild with a WW who is desperate to repair the damage from her Affairs. Your wife is unfortunately not that person.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:32 PM, August 1st (Sunday)]

For 6 months I heard the “I want a D” speech coupled with ILYBNILWY routine.

Then on Dday2 suede my I’m the love of his life. It was all a mistake.

Cheaters sometimes are like children who don’t know what they want. And they expect everyone to yield to them.

Sadly you just don’t k ow what the truth is anymore.

You just have to trust your gut sometimes and make the choices you do. If the cheater changes their mind I hope it’s not too late for your marriage.

So sorry @TAG for what you've gone through.

I have spent the last hour+ going through the entire thread. I like others think there is still more to both of these affairs than you don't know. I think you need to do few things in the next couple of weeks to get out of this sort of limbo state.

1)Did you wife ever provide you a detailed timeline about both affairs ( I think you must have that then the poly to be sure you are getting what you need to have any chance of R).

2) Your wife's entire medical reports from the last couple of years (I think if she truly wants to fix things between you she would have already provided them "if there was nothing she's hiding").

3) Schedule a polygraph test as soon as possible (also do not tell her any of the questions you will be asking) A couple I would ask is did she have a pregnancy scare or an abortion. Also, has she had a affair with J1 longer than 3 years or prior to 2017. Finally, have they been any other affairs beside the two known affairs.

I truly think for your best interest you need to get the above things done as soon as possible, because I think knowing that info will help you decide finally what you want to do going forward and not continue in limbo. Best of luck!

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 11:13 AM, August 10th (Tuesday)]