SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You asked for opinions.

It sounds posiive. It really does. But i have several immedate issues:

How does she explain saying the same things to you a week or 2 ago and then texting her gf that hell no, she had no intention of stopping with OM? That really bothers me.

She still feels for OM. Ok, i admit thats common. The dopamine high is still there for her. You told us you addressed this with NC but does she really understand the impact this has? Continuing to reach out to OM is stabbing you in the heart, i'm very sure of that. Does she know that will kill any hope of R? Does she realize rhat if OM was a.good guy he wouldnt be hitting on a woman in a committed relationship? Until she gets past this she is not safe for you. It takes some WS a while to get there though.

She realizes she does not know how she allowed this to happen. Good! But she has to figure that out or she is not safe for you. Not jusr friends will help. IC will help if done with an infidelity experienced person.

Have you told her no more close male friends? I posted on this earlier. Its essential for someone like her and i am not sure she can commit to that. I mean commit to that and not tell her gf on text, "hell no, i just told him that to get him to stay".

What do you think?

One issue is whether she intends to continue a friendship with the girlfriend who supported the affair. ‘Not just friends’ will teach her about ‘friends of the relationship’. If her brain is too fried to read at the moment, an audio book might be available.

Hi Broken,

There was a gap of time in between your last update, so once I saw you update I purposely went back and read your posts within this thread.

I highly encourage you to do the same. Although you actually lived it, please take 15 minutes and just focus on what you wrote to us. The progression of what happened was astounding. The layers and layers of deception quite blatant and profound.

I just want your to really objectively look at things. Do this exercise....imagine in your minds eye you were in another universe, happily married to a virtuous wife who has factually never strayed from you in the smallest thing. You and she have 3 children. Your oldest is happily married and your youngest daughter still in college.

You middle son has a long term girlfriend who he intends to marry. This son comes home to you unexpectedly in a frantic state of mind weeping and lays out the exact scenario to you that you have brought to us in its entirety.

As a loving father, how would you advise him? Do you feel his ever increasing capacity to be abused will serve him in the end? Will his heart be safe with this women you recently regarded as your soon to be daughter in law? Would you want to see consistent, long term, clear, demonstrated actions that show she has absolutely been changed in her heart before advising your son to continue with her in marriage?

Friend – This is posted with the BEST of intentions.

I’m going to sound like a broken record: Focus on sobriety.

For NOW that is the key issue. Your number one priority is YOUR sobriety. Second is HER sobriety. Third is the relationship.

There is an IMMENSE priority gap between the three.
As part of my law-enforcement training I took a course in rescue swimming. The BIG difference to the LEO rescue course and others was that immense importance was placed on ensuring your own safety. About a third of the course was about preparing for the swim, about half was how to break holds and get away from desperate people being rescued but were dragging you down. Frankly – the definition of a successful "rescue" was not if you saved anyone, but if YOU came out alive.

You need to adapt that focus:
Success I is if YOU leave the present situation sober.
Success II is if she leaves this situation sober.
Success III is if you two leave the situation sober AND a couple.

They are sequential; III is dependent on II being in place, and II is dependent on I.

Other than detox what is her plan for sobriety?
What’s your plan?

I strongly believe what so many addicts have shared with me:
Getting sober is the easy part, its STAYING sober that’s tough.

Although some manage it without some sort of support, I believe the vast majority need some support – some crutch – AT LEAST for the first year. Some find that support in exercise, some in religion, some in AA (hint hint).