SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All I can say is my SA ex was gaga over many gay women and would find excuses to hang around them, talk about them etc. He also was not above lying about someone's sexual orientation or marital status to make me think they weren't a threat when in fact he was having sex with them. And he wasn't above chasing gay women for sex. There was one work colleague in particular he was trying to take out on dates continually for years - who was gay but very femme and very hot, and I guess he figured he'd give it the old cheater's try.

Thank you!!! Again, validating my concern. I wasnt initially worried that he would have an affair with her. Just that he wasnt understanding that discussing his interactions with her was upsetting for me.

Lost and bound,

Your post was extremely condescending and dismissive of dragn, the Op, on her thread, because she finds herself in a position to need/want to stay with her husband at this moment in her life?

This is her safe place to vent.

Jeez.

Thank you Greeneyesbluezy.

This is why i usually don't post out of OT anymore.

So i should to rugsweep my feelings or lock them away or just become Vulcan? So its ok to vent but not to much?

When have I ever advocated for rug sweeping anything? I walked away. The circumstance that I did so in, was less then ideal. Yet, I'm in a better place, in all ways, than I was when I made the decision. Is that the path for everyone else? No.

Its called distance. In you case you need emotional distance from him. Find it, and you don't have to faux vent, because what he does doesn't impact you "emotionally".

How is having feelings, ie annoyance that he is doing something i asked him not to do any different than being annoyed that say the kids did something i asked them not to do?

How? Because you're still there and invested in something you should have dropped, and cut your losses from quite sometime a go. What do you need to prove this? Affair 10 or 11? Because that is where you are headed. The sad part is that it is your decision. Know and seeing everything you have, you expect things to run contrary to what where they are going, or have always been.

Or being annoyed that one of the new mares broke my fence.
Or that some guy cut me off.
Or that the grocery store relined all there products (total sign of being an adult ya know...lol)
If i belonged to a parenting group I'd probably vent there about the kids. I have mom friends for that.
I openly vent and have discussions about the frustrating state of the exotic pet trade, how we as keepers are viewed, care tips etc on my herp forums.

That is the definition of a strawman (man/woman/enter whatever makes sense to you here) argument. If you wanted to vent you would have put it in you title, like you've done before, or in your orignal post. Could be wrong, but I'm sure I've seen it before from you.

You asked a question DragnHeart, and we gave you an answer. Some of us gave you the pat on the back you didn't need. Others, something else. I get being frustrated in your situation, until I look at it and understand you keep choosing it. You don't have to be there. You wouldn't have to vent if you weren't, but it seems like you want to be there. Because you constantly chose a path that will always land you right back at the start. Own your decisions, if you do why vent? You choose it. The only people that don't own the things that they choose tend to be waywards right?

Things happen every day that illicit a response. We aren't robots.

So?

You chose this. You are still choosing it. If you want to be here until the end of time, by all means, stay there. Nothing for you will ever change, while you walk the path that you've chosen.

Your WH will always do this to you. There is no evidence to the contrary is there? The only person that can change that is you, It isn't him. He obviously is never going to change and he will continue to do this to do you. The place you are in, that you call home, is one of your own choosing now.

In your situation, you need to be the change or you can expect nothing less then what has already happened, and will continue to.

So?

You chose this. You are still choosing it. If you want to be here until the end of time, by all means, stay there. Nothing for you will ever change, while you walk the path that you've chosen.

So...nut up or shut up correct?

SI isnt a safe place to come to discuss things unless you're firmly in the R or D camps.

Why can't OP or anyone else in a similar situation ask a question and/or vent?

If you are bothered by her decisions, which are hers to make and live with, don't reply to the thread.

Thank you zebra25

If you are bothered by her decisions, which are hers to make and live with, don't reply to the thread.

My thoughts exactly.

I appreciate the posters who answered the original question and validated this specific situation.

I think the dissension is coming from OP often coming here complaining about various things in her life, but when presented with options there is always a reason why that wouldn't work for her so nothing changes. To me it feels like she needs to be the victim instead of taking ownership of her life. We all have to own the consequences not only for our actions, but also our inactions.

I think the dissension is coming from OP often coming here complaining about various things in her life, but when presented with options there is always a reason why that wouldn't work for her so nothing changes. To me it feels like she needs to be the victim instead of taking ownership of her life. We all have to own the consequences not only for our actions, but also our inactions.

The dissension comes from being hammered non stop to chose one of two options that DO NOT WORK FOR MY LIFE.

Those options have nothing to do with the specific situation i explained.

Its either do as told or shut up.

Only a few people offered options relevant to the specific situation and or shared their experience with the same thing.

I am not a victum, i am a survivor, living a very well rounded happy life that occasionally gets side tracked by infidelity related crap.

SI used to be a place i could come to vent, ask questions and just be fucking heard.

So yeah it pisses me off when its no longer that safe place for me.

How often does she start a thread?

If some people are bothered by her posting, simply don't respond.

Why argue or keep trying to force your point?

Why argue or keep trying to force your point?

Maybe because people care and would like for her to have the life she deserves.

Maybe because people care and would like for her to have the life she deserves.

Thats not caring.

Theres a huge difference in what we view as "the life i deserve".

Do i deserve my wh using sexual orientation to deflect my concern or discomfort? Of course not.

Did i deserve to have my thread totally detailed and taken off topic multiple times. Again No!

I don't see how arguing with her is going to be helpful. Trying to force your (you in general) opinions on someone does not usually get the outcome you hoped for.

[This message edited by zebra25 at 10:28 AM, January 17th (Monday)]

Dragon-

I’m sorry your thread got jacked earlier.

Yes, almost all waywards are egocentric and oblivious to others around them. That’s the reason they cheated in the first place. It’s like there really is something broken in them when you ask about empathy and other people’s feelings. It’s like that scene in Beavis and Butthead where their TV gets stolen and the lightbulb above their head just flickers but never turns on.

Waywards lack adequate empathy, which is what put them in that position in the first place. Don’t expect or even hope for him to change. I find that it’s easier to imagine that WH has a weird version of autism that keeps him from seeing that other people exist. Or like a variant of having an IQ under 60. He thinks with his Id, and the Ego and Superego (kicking it old school today) just don’t check in.

It does mean a permanent loss of respect. But I view that as my own moral failing. Something in me chose him. My picker is broken. That’s on me. I was fooled, but when I replay the video super slow, I see the signs.

Mine stopped pushing my kid (I now have cameras all over the house), and he knows that if any kid tells me anything happened, I leave. I’m not in this for me, I get it. My WH is older than me with lots of medical issues, so it is likely I will way outlive him, probably by 30 years. I can’t imagine staying if he would outlive me. Maybe encourage your WH to get a motorcycle and ride without a helmet? Heroin is also big these days.

Lol, I jest, of course. 😐 But that would be hard.

Time - tick, tick, tick, motherfucker.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 3:55 PM, Monday, January 17th]

Trying to force your (you in general) options on someone does not usually get the outcome you hoped for.

Especially when ones values don't align with others.

I came to this farm as a child. Played in the same forest, caught frogs from the same pond. This is one of the few places i have good happy memories.

And now i am raising my own children here. Its truely a blessing to have had the opportunity to make this my home.

What will i gain from D? Honestly. What could possible be of more value than the peace and joy i get from living here?

Freedom from the occasional pig headedness of my wh? Not much of a trade off there when i can simply go for a walk in a 100 acre forest and avoid him.

He is the father of my children. He isn't a total jerk all the time. He has his flaws as so i.

Daily life isnt consumed by his past betrayals.

When a situation does occur its always been comforting to know i can come here and be heard. Thats becoming less and less now.

Maybe encourage your WH to get a motorcycle and ride without a helmet?

Motorcycle probably not. Snowmobile definitely especially with all the snow we are currently getting.

Dragn,

I think what you are missing is people are often not advocating R or D, but you taking control of your life. From your posts you seem to hold the father of your children in complete contempt and I'm sure he feels no matter what he does nothing will change. Is he a complete ass about some of this, from your posts he certainly sounds that way, but he also sounds like someone who has done his best to financially support your dreams and you appear to have no appreciation for this. Maybe if your focus was on how to make the farm financially viable instead of focusing on your dreams you would find a solution that allows you to keep the farm and not be married to your WH; which seems to be your preference.

For example you appear to enjoy the reptile rescue, but does this make financial sense or is it something that makes you financially dependent to you WH? The same with the other animals. I'm not saying you need to give this all up, but it sure seems like you fill your life with things that do not give you any options and tie you financially to your WH. Is there something you can do that allows you to become more independent and still brings joy to your life? Sometimes we need to adjust our dreams or morph them to match the situation we are in and where we want to eventually be.

Maybe dig into the posts that bother you the most and see if there is some hidden truth waiting for you to discover.

but he also sounds like someone who has done his best to financially support your dreams and you appear to have no appreciation for this.

I appreciate everything he does! Your assumption that i do not is insulting!

Maybe if your focus was on how to make the farm financially viable instead of focusing on your dreams you would find a solution that allows you to keep the farm and not be married to your WH; which seems to be your preference.

Obviously you are unaware of the steps, permits, registration and requirements to be considered a "working farm" where i live with special considerations for this being "protected land". Cant fault you for that. That said, it has been a constant goal to make this a working farm since day one.

FYI wh enjoys being on this farm as much as i do. He has said so. As recently as five minutes ago when i asked. Wouldnt be surprised if he actually posts here to say that!

For example you appear to enjoy the reptile rescue, but does this make financial sense or is it something that makes you financially dependent to you WH? The same with the other animals. I'm not saying you need to give this all up, but it sure seems like you fill your life with things that do not give you any options and tie you financially to your WH. Is there something you can do that allows you to become more independent and still brings joy to your life?

This one is laughable. Wh and his family did exotic pet educational presentaions, breeding, feeder supply to local pet stores and rescue years before i met him. His father did all of that before wh even was alive. Its a family thing. Its been wh entire life.

Before i met wh i had my share of snakes, lizards and geckos. We met because i was looking for something specific and his father just happened to overhear me talking about it to someone in public. Wh bred what i was looking for.

Do you know what Reptilia is? A smallish zoo like facility up here. That was wh hope growing up. To not only provide sanctuary to the animals in need but to be able to open an accredited zoo and share and educate the public.

Bylaws really made this an issue for them. They moved a few times. Ive done my share of trying to educate town councils to avoid bans. Neither of us just got to it in time.

After years of dealing with bullshit within the herping community itself never mind outside, we decided to remain small and private. We are known within the circles we want and support efforts others make to educate etc.

And none of the reptiles cause any financial strain or dependence on WH. We breed all our own feeders, minus crickets for now. And you would be hard pressed to have make him give up any of them!

Sometimes we need to adjust our dreams or morph them to match the situation we are in and where we want to eventually be

.

I am EXACTLY where i want to be. Even with the over a foot of snow to go clear from the driveway.

Maybe dig into the posts that bother you the most and see if there is some hidden truth waiting for you to discover.

Obviously since i am not aligned with what YOU think i should want, i must be hiding from some truth onky you can see....

The TRUTH is insisting i change to fit your narrative is dismissive and unrelated at all to the topic of this thread...

Now. Do i use the snow blower or tractor? Snow is light but in places over the top of the blower. blower is easier to start than tractor. Hmmmm.

I think some women take the arranged marriage view on this. I come from the same view, I think.

I don’t expect any marriage or any person to fulfill me. People are so seriously fucked up and flawed. At this moment, the juice is worth the squeeze to stay married. But I’ll most likely kill him in the morning, as the Dread Pirate Roberts says.

I get it. I also think it’s a function of my avoidant personality style. I’m still alive and not terribly miserable, so it’s working for me, lol.

You don’t need to stay married, you don’t need to divorce. You can be fine in purgatory.

The thing is my life snd happiness doesnt revolve around him.

I am a happy person.

D isnt going to change that and make me more happy.

I would bet on less.

Anyways, it was nice to have others give me their experience with a same sex issue and confirm deflection.

Do i think he will have a PA with her. No. Does he need to brush up on his boundaries and be reminded that MY personal information is no one else's business.

Yes!