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I think she is sorry about a lot of things including the affair, the pregnancy, getting caught, losing the OM, treating you like shit, being willing to gamble her family for some strange from a player who has a GF.

Tell her to think carefully about what she said. The affair that has changed your life , your kid's lives, the baby's life and her life and probably the marriage meant nothing.

He. Meant. Nothing.

So what does mean something to her...that she's sorry?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 10:37 PM, April 11th (Tuesday)]

The whole "AP meant nothing to me" defense, in my opinion, shows your wife does not fully remorseful yet. That defense is flawed no matter the situation. Whether she cheated for the entirety of your marriage or had a ONS, that defense will always crumble on itself. The relationship with the BS will always be seen as valued less by the WS than that of the risk the they took for it, whether it's for "nothing" or "their knight in shining armor".

The problem with that defense is pricisly that, its a defense. The correct reaction you're looking for isn't I'm sorry I risked our marriage but it meant nothing, rather an ownership of their decisions. Like I'm sorry that something inside me let a third person into our marriage. That is what remorse looks like and with that comes the next step- why did I make this decision? and how can I fix the line of thought that brought me here? If your WW comes to this step then you can truly have a real shot at reconciliation:

[This message edited by Benbetter at 1:46 AM, April 12th (Wednesday)]

While you are waiting on results make sure you have your ducks in order in terms of contacting her boyfriend's gf and also make sure you have all of her stuff monitored. After you expose chances are high he will reach out and you will quickly know their method of comms, should reconcilitation ever be on the table.

Well… I think the OM really might mean “nothing” to her…

It fits in with the commonly held principle here on SI that the affair is never about faults in the betrayed spouse but all about faults in the wayward spouse.

Your wife didn’t cheat because YOU were lacking, but totally 100% because SHE was lacking. So, it’s not that OM was so perfect but rather that he had the pieces that she thought fitted into what she was lacking. For some reason, she allowed the relationship with OM develop into something it shouldn’t ever have become.

Let’s imagine how something develops into an affair. It’s not like your WW sends the OM (or he her) an e-mail “let’s get together for sex” right away… It develops, it progresses. Step-by-step. It might be (relatively) innocent in the beginning but at some point, she should have drawn a line in the sand. There was that e-mail, that message, that conversation where she KNEW it was crossing the fence that protects the marriage.

It’s a conscious decision. She was totally aware of that moment when she allowed it to go that one step over the fence.

But in all this the only role the OM had was to play along.

He fed her fantasy and she gave what was needed to get more kibbles. It goes both ways – I’m not trying to paint your wife as an innocent fish that’s lured to the hook by a willy angler. OM was getting feedback to his kibbles. As far as this goes then it was TOTALLY HER role to stop this before it got too far.

The OM is “nothing” because he himself is nothing. The kibbles he fed her – those were “something”.

Of course, it’s hard for a person having an affair to justify it with the truth: I am cheating because of my own deficiencies. It’s a lot easier to justify the affair through others faults: My husband is distant and therefore I had to seek emotional support with OM. Or to justify the affair through others advantages: OM is so attentive and therefore so great.

Statistics indicate that relationships that are founded in infidelity seldom last. Over 80% are over within a year, less than 5% last two years. I think the reason is that once you start experiencing reality with a person then simply fulfilling what you are lacking isn’t good enough…

Think of it this way: Imagine that a “normal” person is 50 and that a “normal” marriage of two normal people totals 100. Sometimes one or both of those normal people might be under the weather and the marriage only totals 90. Sometimes one is under the weather but the other makes up for it so you stay at 100. Sometimes both make the effort and the marriage coasts along at 120…

A person that decides to cheat isn’t “normal” and isn’t 50 as far as relationships is concerned. So, if your WW were to start a more permanent relationship with OM (who is also cheating) it’s way below the required 100… A constant 60 relationship won’t last. ‘

Your wife has had a real dose of reality poured all over her fantasy. She stands to lose her marriage, the partner of a lifetime, the security of the family, is facing single-parenthood and pregnancy… Plenty to make her realize that MAYBE she had the affair for all the wrong reasons. Maybe OM’s reactions have hammered home that she didn’t do it for him or because of him but rather she cheated for herself and purely selfish reasons.

But not that it matters…

She cheated.

On another point:

Really think about your conditions for reconciliation.

I understand the moral dilemma you face: If child yours then you want to be there to raise it. If not, you don’t want to be around. I get that. It’s a tough and shitty position.

But I also read your comment about the woman controlling her body and I am fully in agreement with that. But IMHO when you tell your wife that it’s her choice whether to abort or not but at the same time tell her that if it’s his you are out and if it’s yours you are not… IMHO that’s borderline…

IMHO the paternity of the child isn’t the key issue of whether your marriage can be reconciled or not. The key issues are (a) is your wife willing to fix what was wrong and made her decide to have an affair (b) can you commit to reconciliation and (c) is she willing to commit to reconciliation.

IMHO a (probably) more honest response to your wife would be along the lines of irrespective of paternity then reconciliation isn’t a given. If you were to commit to R you realize it’s a very tough struggle and that things like potentially having the constant reminder of OM in the form of his child would possibly make a near-impossible task impossible.

Bigger is spot on as usual. You have a right to know whether the child is yours, but that is not the only thing to focus on.

The facts are that your wife cheated repeatedly for two years and would probably still be if not for the pregnancy. She told you flat out she wanted out of the M. Now, she wants you as plan B.

Next time she wants to know if you are leaving her, you might ask this question: what self respecting man would not? And, what planet does she live on that makes her think her behavior is anything but a massive fu?

Other than pick up a few extra work hours, and mope about, has she done anything that makes you feel hopeful?

She is in damage control now. If you stay, sooner or later she will start viewing you with secret contempt. That's how life goes. The people who hate you are not the ones you hurt, it's the ones you help. They are reminded every day that they were needy and needing rescue. And they hate that.

Crying and hysterics evolved in humans to evoke sympathy from other human beings in their social circles. It doesn't mean crap other than she isn't able to make a case based on logic or reason at this point.

As bigger said, this isn't even close to remorse. Logic would be "I did this and whether or not you stick with me I need to fix how this happened. If it meant it would take away your pain I'd hope that you left me"

I have saved a copy of the emails and texts on a flash drive for the girlfriend. And once I get the results it'll be more than enough evidence.

Also I just read over my main post and I realized that I caused some confusion. That I can prove and what my wife told me is the affair happened in June 2016. So she was only in her affair for 10 months, not that it lessens the damage she did. I just felt that our relationship looking back started to slip after we got married in 2015, which could be the cause of the confusion.

The first condition of the possibility of any reconciliation is this baby being mine. If this baby is not mine I'm done. I'm not raising another man's baby especially not the man my wife cheated on me with.

Everyone is right that she isn't showing remorse. Probably doing damage control, probably seeing the reality of her shitty situation. The only hope and "remorse" she has given me are that she hasn't broken no contact. We have been cordial for the most part. I have been keeping her at a distance. The more I do it the more she reacts to it.

Longsadstory:

not sure where you got the 2 years of infidelity from. As far as I can tell affair started in late November 2016 and DDay was March 9 with confrontation and exposure to WW in late March so that's really like 4 months not 2 years. Admittedly this is splitting hairs because 2 months or 20 months doesn't really matter, betrayal is betrayal.

I will say that based on the back ground I wouldn't be at all surprised if there were other affairs back in 2014. Based on the history I would say there was a good chance of infidelity a couple times as there were red flags all through the relationship.

Surprised:

Much like Bigger is eluding too (and I believe is spot on about it). I too am having a hard time wrapping my head around the logic of the pregnancy.

You say if its yours than you don't know if you will/can R but if its his you know for sure that you are out the door. I don't understand this logic. By the simple fact that it could be his is all you need to know regarding how it will play in your decisions.

I mean what is it, as long as it isn't his you can be in denial and pretend that they didn't have sex but if it is his than you can no longer live in the fantasy land? I just don't understand the thinking here. She has admitted to having sex numerous times and you know it could be his. At this point whether or not it is his is really inconsequential.

She has already said that if it is his she will be terminating the pregnancy. That means you aren't going to be raising the other mans kid, so this isn't a consideration. If its yours this isn't going to change the cheating and all the repercussions that cheating brings, it just means there will be one more victim in it.

I'm not saying one way or another whether R is possible or not because I'm not there and I don't have your back ground. The kids aren't mine, the history isn't mine, the feelings aren't mine. What I will say is that you need to decide what is important in your decision about whether or not to R. You don't have to decide now and I wouldn't recommend deciding now while your emotions are too high.

It is never a good idea to decide anything important with your emotions clouding your judgement. Emotions like the fear of losing your kids or the fear of being alone. Emotions like the anger of the betrayal or the loss of confidence and feelings of rejection. All of these things will prevent you from seeing the marriage and the hurdles you will need to over come the damage clearly.

Decide what your marriage in the future will look like, what it will take to get there and if it will be possible with your partner. Sometimes a betrayed spouse comes to the realization that no matter how much they love the WW they will never get past the betrayal, and that is a consequence that the betrayer must face. It is up to you to decide that but you must do it with a clear head.

Edit: I see that OP has corrected the term of the affair above.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 10:28 AM, April 12th (Wednesday)]

She asked me if I was going to leave her. I told her I don't know, but for sure if the baby isn't mine. She said wouldn't it be easier if she just had an abortion. I told her it was up to her. And if that is what she wanted. This made her cry harder. I told her there was no point crying. What is done is done, and there is nothing really to discuss until we get the results or she makes a decision to terminate the pregnancy, which I admitted would make things easier, but wouldn't guarentee I wouldn't leave her in the end.

We were silent for a few minutes until she started begging me not to leave her. She was just hysterical. After a few moments, I couldn't take it so I gave her a hug, but said I understood she was upset but this was her doing, and I wasn't going to promise something I couldn't be sure I even wanted.

I read this and I gotta admire you for your clear honesty and staying strong. You are not making any false promises or painting a rosy future, or forgiving her for her LTA let alone the preg. Not everyone would do that, you are certainly not "future faking" her. You don't know and you are telling as much.

-I think it it good that you are leaving the abortion up to her. The pregnancy was entirely her fault and should be up to her to decide, if you encouraged her to abort she may throw that back at you some time in the future whether you R or D.

-IF the baby is not yours and she terminates the pregnancy there is a chance you will stay and try R?

-Do you think she will decide to go thru with the pregnancy even if the baby is his and raise it as a single mom with CS from baby-daddy? Are you in a state where if you're married, you are considered responsible for any babies during that marriage?

I kinda have a feeling that after this cluster**** settles down one or both of you may decide the marriage was already gone because of what lead her to the affair and the pregnancy was a giant distraction from the original problem her deciding to cheat.

Hang in there and take care of yourself, your kids and keep an eye on the WW. You don;t want her doing anything cray cray.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:36 PM, April 12th (Wednesday)]

IF the baby is not yours and she terminates the pregnancy there is a chance you will stay and try R?

I don't know. I'd like her to make the decision because she wants too but not because she feels like she has no choice. I feel like if this baby is not mine, regardless I have to leave her. Whether or not she terminates. I won't raise another man's baby and secondly, just the fact another man got my wife pregnant in the first place eats at me. I don't know if I can comprehend that. If it is my child, I do believe it be a lot easier to handle.

While not an easy thing, I believe that you are on the right track. It is good that you see that you are looking at it as two different things. The affair and the pregnancy.

Let's say you both want a son and the baby is yours. That would be a good thing, but the shadow of the long term affair is still there. And no matter how great the birth of your son would be your marriage is still shattered.

Is she and are you willing to make it work after the 2x whammy of the affair and the maybe OM baby. Theres' more emotions going on than most people can deal with. Is it worth it? Can you trust her? It would be too hard for me...

If she aborts but feels it is not 100% of her own volition, meaning she does it to "save" the marriage, that could be a point of contention for a long time, since you are not even sure you'd stay together anyway. But you are going to be parents of the kids forever.

If it is his then it seems that you have made up your mind, and if is yours you are open to both R and D. Today she wants R but in a few years the same problems may come back and she will want D.

Did you tell the OM GF or still waiting for DNA?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:08 AM, April 13th (Thursday)]

I'm going to wait for the results. They said 5 to 7 business days. So not much longer.

I rather wait and give her all the information. The little contact I have with either one of them the better. I don't want to give the other man any "reason" to contact my wife. She already told him she was getting an abortion. I rather not open a can of worms. I swear if I see him I don't know how I'll react.

Surprised, I can't fully accept your position about letting your wife decide to terminate or not her pregnancy.

If this is your child, think about his possible childhood: one parent is a cheater (and perhaps a chronic cheater), another is deeply traumatized, the marriage is broken.

I don't want to discourage you, but want you to think and be proactive. I honestly find it insane that you let make decisions a person who has such poor decision making skills.

I support Surprised decision of having his wife choose what to do with the pg. An abortion has the potential of killing a marriage all on it's own and the guilt surrounding it can be devastating. Why should Surprise have to take that guilt/burden away from his wife and be left with the "you made me get an abortion" for the rest of their relationship (whatever that might be).

I think Surprised WW would love it if he made the decision for her. Then she could just do what was asked and place the blame/guilt/anger on Surprised for the repercussions later on in the relationship.

"you wanted this". "You made me do this to save the marriage." Suddenly healing isn't about Surprised and the affair it's about WW and the abortion he made her have.

It's a no win situation but it's a situation she placed the family in. She should have to make the big decisions on what to do.

I'm seeing more focus from your WW on what has happened to her and frustration that you aren't "helping" her. I'm not seeing much from her on fixing this and helping you heal. The one thing you have asked her to do, 40 hour job, she is pushing back on. I'm sure she think that if the baby is yours she won't have to work full time. You are treating the pg and cheating separately. But I think she is banking on all going back to normal if the baby is yours. Keep pushing for full time hours it will help if it comes to divorce.

She shouldn't be pushing back on this one thing. She was able to find time to ---- OM she can find time to work full time.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:36 AM, April 13th (Thursday)]

Personally, what I think she's showing is fear. She's scared of her probable future. Such a stupid and sad situation to have put herself in! But her thinking is still all about her!!

Surprised87, I feel for you, and I commend you on having determined what your boundaries are, and where you stand.

Strength!!!

Surprised87,

IMO There is still a lot that doesn't make sense.

On Day she was thinking to get D, not to be with OM (she said) but just not married to you.

Then she is pregnant but didn't tell you right away (OM knew first) and is an excuse / motive to remain married.

Now she wants to be married to you and is willing to have an abortion and doesn't care if is your or OM.

It doesn't make any sense at all.

The only explanation is that she is not in love with you or even care about you (resentment)

What changed? What are her motivations?

IMO she was not in love with you, even grew some resentment for something (maybe you working long hours while she was just in home taking care of the kids) and thought that she deserve better, started and affair and realized that she needed to justify her doing because if you weren't a bad husband she became a cheating selfish wife. .. So you became a monster.

She didn't take you for granted she did take for granted her life style.

She wanted to have a teen love and to be a mother and to have a nice house and someone that takes care of all the spences for her.

She wanted relation with OM better than you. that's why, IMHO, she let him know first about the pregnancy. OM

dumped her like a piece of shit.

That's why she wants her Plan B.

The por been is that plan A is put there.

IMO she doesn't love you at all, she is just afraid to lose her life. She out of resentment said that OM me as nothing. If didn't she wouldn't even mentioned him, a remorse wife have bad feeling even talking g ain't her AP, but your WW has no problem.

The opposite is love is not hate, is difference. And I am sorry but you got more indifference than OM.

Ask her if she loves you?

IMO, get D, if she wants to be with you and not just be married, she will accep it and be grateful. Otherwise she just want to save face and life stile.

Get D, if you want to date he after it, do it, if you want to remarry her ask for a prenuptial.

She is not getting and abortion for you, she is getting an abortion to get back at OM

.

So my wife calls me at work, to tell me the DNA place called her to let her know the results were in. I didn't think they'd be ready until next week sometime. I asked her what they were. She said we had to log on to get the results and that she hasn't yet and wanted to tell me so we can both find out at the same time.

So I logged in. The baby is 99.99% mine... and the baby is a girl.

I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. I'm glad it isn't the other man's baby.

Small comfort in the grand scheme of this ordeal, but still...what a relief.

Very happy for you that your wife isn't bearing another man's baby.

Are you sure the site was legit? Does it match with the packaging you sent the samples in? Do any details seem off?

Your wife has displayed a talent for deception and a desire to keep you around, so I want you to have absolute confidence in the results that will guide your decisions. Given the incredible stress you are under, you might be susceptible to further manipulation and that needs to stop.

I hope it is accurate and true for your sake. That said, it is a small comfort given everything else going on.

I had asked a bunch of questions and this lab was more on the expensive side but had excellent reviews and came highly recommended. I just thought my wife would have found out before telling me. Everything checked out so I know the results are legit.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:08 AM, April 13th (Thursday)]