SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just to answer a few questions...my state does have an alienation of affection law, but it is apparently very difficult to enforce.

However it can be used as leverage for a better outcome if you end up D.

WOW! You've been the poster child on how to deal with this!

You have your evidence saved. check.

Been to the lawyer for detailed info. Check.

All that's left is the confrontation.

Another good way to confront would be to drop a picture on the kitchen table and tell her your going to be gone for a few hours and when you get back she's got one chance to spill the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth. The expression on her face will be very telling.

The only issue with that is that it is essential she does not contact her boyfriend at that point to coordinate stories. It's beyond critical that AO controls that line of communication.

There IS a betrayed wife on the other end of this. I'll stake my reputation on that one.

That is where a well hid VAR would work out very well. If she was going to make contact that would be the optimum time for it to happen. Just my 2 cents.

and if there is a BS on the other end your WW will try to talk you out of contacting her because it's over.

I'd hit the send button to his BS 30 seconds before you confront your WW.

Good point 'Marriagesucks'. After confrontation she'll be more likely to try to reach out to the OM. Keep those VARs in place and recording.

Stay strong and calm 'Ambivalent'. You got this.

Since the contact "seems" to end in 2008 I don't think the WW would have much of a reason to contact OM. Along with the texts and photos she is pretty much toast.

It all IMO depends on how she reacts, if she lies and tries to evade or blame shift the result will be worse than if she admits it. Hard as that might be.

Good luck A1

This is a hard one. Most likely she will lie. Most WSs lie when confronted. One because they don't know what you know. Two, they are hoping to get out the situation. I had a WS explain it like this to me:

Because you are still clinging to the hope that you can get out of it, somehow. Maybe by not having to fess up to the worst parts, or by glossing over the details you can avoid the worst consequences. You don't want to admit what you've done, so you flail in a vain attempt to avoid it. You know you've done the unforgivable, and are consumed with fear about what the truth will lead to.

So lying should not be a surprise but it should be expected. If she tells the truth straight up, that is a rare thing and it also means she is very remorseful for what she did. But if (and when) she lies then is the time to drop your first bit of evidence. That is when you will see where her head is at.

So she will be in panic mode and quite fearful of losing her husband and marriage.

The best outcome for the VARs is for her to call a friend and honestly discuss the current state of the marriage. If she hasn’t contacted the OM in years the only reason to contact him now is to warn him that the jig is up.

Good point 'Marriagesucks'. After confrontation she'll be more likely to try to reach out to the OM. Keep those VARs in place and recording.

Stay strong and calm 'Ambivalent'. You got this.

If not the OM, she might contact someone she has confided in that knows about the affair. Have the vars going!!

Another thing, never reveal your sources!!!

At least not at the initial confrontation. She might spill other betrayals that your not aware.

My hunch is that she'll come clean, through a wall of tears.

The evidence is overwhelming.

The million dollar question: Were there others?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:36 PM, November 17th (Friday)]

"The million dollar question: Were there others?"

The bravado with which the affair was conducted suggests there may have been other incidents, maybe prior to the affair, possibly alongside the toxic friends. Warming up for the main course so to speak. I don't think you can ignore these things but it's better to get the meat and potatoes first.

I just wanted to say that i think you are handling things as well as you can. You have been given good advice. Good luck. I am sorry your here.

Will be watching to see what happens and offer advice and support as needed....

You are focusing to much on the OM. The real problem here is your wife.

Go back and read your comments. She wanted to leave you for him and build her life with him.

Who knows what happend with her plan.

All I know is that she came back to you-her Plan B.

She lied for YEARS and YEARS. And I really hate the part about telling bad things about you. It really makes me angry because something like that happend to me.

She will cry only because she got discoverd.

Good luck

Last post by TRY was on the spot. Great piece.

AO,

Long time reader, first time poster.

Anyway, I strongly suggest that for the time being you ignore all the comments suggesting that you must divorce, or that you must reconcile; though I doubt anyone that is pro-reconciliation would be inane enough to say you must reconcile.

Further, I hope you ignore the comments stating that you are plan B. At this moment, neither you, I, nor they have any clue as to any reason why your wife did and wrote those things. Only your wife knows.

Sure, they can argue that there is no other reason for her to have done and said such things unless you are Plan B. Res ipsa loquitor., right. Nevertheless, there may be other reasons, and these can only be found in your wife’s head.

To this end, I strongly suggest after confrontation that you ask her this question. Lay out some examples, as provided above, and ask her why you weren’t plan B, and why your still not plan B. Just don’t presume to know that you were and are second rate, as is being assumed here.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 1:22 AM, November 18th (Saturday)]

In the haze of an affair, many cheaters say they'd like to run off to Neverland. It's part of the intrigue.

However, I do agree that her trashing op is despicable.

***as a member***

/J Midnight,

However, I do agree that her trashing op is despicable

.

Honestly, IMO, it is straight from the cheaters handbook. It's in the chapter titled "Justifications. I don't think trashing a BS is all that uncommon. How else would an affair be acceptable to the WS.

Part and parcel of the shit sandwich every BS is served.

Just IMO

I agree. Even so, her's was tawdry to the nth degree.

My bad.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:38 PM, November 17th (Friday)]

Hey there,

I’m glad you’re confronting her now.

I agree with 5454, particularly the advice to read and print out Joseph’s letter (in the Healing Library). I gave a copy to my WS after Dday. Reading it really helped open his eyes in a way that nothing else had to that point.

Another thing you may find helpful is the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to R or D, the book is very helpful. It’s a short read and very directly provides solid advice to WSs about owning their affairs. I’d suggest getting a copy and giving it to her, along with Joseph’s Letter.