SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Take your time think this through.

Everyone is on your time. No one else counts.

IMO I'd cut communication for now as well.

Let your head clear and don't hold this in.

Good friends, family, etc will give you more support than you think.

When someone discovers an ongoing affair they need advice on how to get out of infidelity. But if the affair is already over, they just need support. Telling a poster what they should do or feel in relation to an affair that is no longer occurring is condescending and unproductive.

She gave me the envelope with all of her therapy writing to read whenever I wanted to. And she asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her that I needed some separation to process this. She seemed sad but agreed to pack up and go visit her sister (who knows about the affair). Sister agreed that she could stay as long as necessary (sister is a widow with kids out of the house). I helped her pack the car and off she went.

Was her sister an enabler too?

Her worst nightmare came true. You found out.

That secret was never to be revealed.

A nine year affair means she was living a completely different life that did not include you.

OM was her true husband for 9 years and it only ended because of the accident.

Sorry man but you didn't deserve this.

Take care of yourself first and foremost

T/J: Let's not let this thread get overheated.

The OP is out of infidelity. He has a lot to process, and had been doing everything textbook correctly. Our job is to support him in this process.

end T/J

Hello AmbivalentOne. Sorry this has happened to you. For what it's worth, you are handling it very well. Believe it or not, given the terribleness of the situation, things have gone remarkably well. There are a lot of positive aspects to your situation, comparatively speaking. There are also of course some big challenges as well. That complicates things a bit in deciding what you want.

Unless infidelity is an instant deal breaker for you, you will need quite a bit of time to wrap your head around this before making a decision. Know that it is your decision, and you can change your mind at any point.

Let us know how to help.

Excellent post antlered

prayers and strength for you ambivalentone

My heart just breaks for you. I am in tears reading this. I pray for strength and courage for what lies ahead. What you decide is what you need to do. No one can tell you that. We will all be here when need support and comfort.

The A finished 9 years ago cause the OM was killed. For the BS the affair happened 1 month ago. Support comes from many avenues. Telling th BS that myself would ditch the WW is my prerogative which he can either listen to or tell me to go fly a kite. As per my user name my stance on Cheaters is what it is.

As we have all pointed out people take what they want from these forums and leave the rest. As per unproductive and condensending seriously the op has a lot to digest & just throwing my two cents worth which if not mistaken is what this forum is all about.

Your spouse of 25 years viciously kills a few people over a period of 10 years, with his last killing taking place 10 yrs ago & has kept the secret. Since then he has become a pillar of the community & respected by all. Then 10 yrs later the law shows up & charges your spouse with murder with undeniable proof. Would it be wrong to advise he murderers spouse to leave or stay with the killer. The choice is ultimately theirs.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:14 PM, November 18th (Saturday)]

AO from what you've posted thus far this appears to be a time frame:

'85 graduate high school (both of you)

'89 graduate college/got married

'95 1st daughter is born

'97 2nd daughter is born

'99 Jan (wife Meets OM)

'(Jan '99 thru Jan '08 your sex life with wife was "DOA")

*you and your wife going through a "rough patch" that you attributed to "raising 2 adventurous kids and amount of time away from family with your career".

'03 Sept (youngest daughter starts pre-K and her and OM start having sex every day)

'08 Feb OM dies (she's "devastated")

(Youngest daughter in Jr high now and suddenly sex life gets better AND you and wife "stop fighting")

'08 Feb thru Feb '09 (wife is in therapy dealing with loss of OM)

'09 Feb (ditches her old friends)

'09 Mar thru '11 sept (weekly therapy)

'17 Oct (you discover affair)

Oldest daughter is 22

Youngest daughter is 20

This was really hard for me to read and I cant even imagine your pain. Please stay strong.

Sorry for saying this but you are a Plan B. She planned her whole life with OM and who knows maybe she was ready to take your Daughters with them.

She definitely introduced him to at least one of your daughter.

She not only cheated on you,she cheated on your Daughters too. She used them for cover so she could sleep with OM every single day and do nasty things.

Friends knew about Affair and supported her.

Her Sister knew about Affair and never told you a thing.

They are bad people and you deserve SO MUCH better.

My thoughts go to you. It must be hard to cope with this. WW stole a lot of years from you. At least she should have seperated back then so you could have the chance to start a new life. The worst part is that the last 10 years the marriage was good and you're wife seems to be remorseful. It makes it more difficilt to make a decision. This proves that she was to blame for the rough patch in youre marriage. But can you live with the images you have seen. Can you forgive such betreyal? I wish you luck.

Now and again there are people who reach out on this forum for support whose stories reverberate with me throughout the day-and night. I know that it is the wisdom of the people here who have experienced a similar event in their marital or committed monogamous relationships that you seek, as well as empathy. Throughout my day questions and observations pop into my mind when I’ ve read a story such as yours. I alternatively find myself sad and angry along with you. I have a few such questions and observations to make that have been nagging me enough to write down.

Observation #1:

Fate led your wife to hit the reset button on her life. No conscious action on her part during the affair led her to break off the affair.

Question:

Did she go to the funeral? How long would she need psychiatric care if you had died during the affair? How much would she need now nine years after the affair if you died?

Observation #2:

Nine years!!! That was a lifestyle. A parallel relationship that was still so intense in the last year of its existence before posom ‘s death, that it left her bereaved for over a year!! This was a very deep love on her part. You and your children were nowhere to be seen in her heart at this time. Any outward display of concern for the family was an act of deceit. You were the last man standing in her life when the dust settled. Nothing more. It is often said in this forum that to reconcile you create a new marriage, the old relationship having died. Unbeknownst to you, she has spent the last decade “reconciling “with you recreating a comfortable marriage for herself using the tools - you and the kids - at hand. Who is this person?

Question:

If you met your wife now for the first time as a single divorced person and this story came to your attention as your relationship developed how would you feel? (The how of your finding out, can be left to the imagination. Perhaps you found those notes she has had for years dealing with the affair; Perhaps a friend of her x’s told you what he knew. Secrets have a shelf life.)

Observation #3:

She thought you might be dying of cancer. You had the symptoms of a man dealing with death because your marriage and the woman you married had died and no one would be resting in peace anytime soon.

Again the uniqueness of the women you married and the emotional evolution of the relationship that you have known through the years can only be fully appreciated by you. I can tell you how I would react which may or may not be helpful. What can you live with for the balance of your life is your decision entirely? I have decided it if I were presented with the same situation.

What an incredible “present” to receive at the age of 50 by the only person in the world that you should implicitly trust. Find your anger and take NO prisoners.

A1, I’ve been reading here for a year and you are handling this incredibly difficult situation as well as I’ve seen it done. Stepping away for awhile is a great idea, I hope you can find some peace in detaching from her and thinking about the A.

I had a number of thoughts after I finished reading your update and I want to share them with you. Please take what is useful and ignore the rest.

I’m glad she was honest with you, and I’m glad she’s begun to realize the error of her ways. People might say “begun” diminishes what she’s done over the past 9 years, but I think it’s fair because she didn’t truly get what she had done to you until she read those emails last night. She knows that you now know what she thought of you from 1999-2008 (but perhaps since and maybe still). I wonder if her breakdown was true horror at her selfishness or possibly fear of what the truth might cost her. I’d venture it’s probably some of both.

The A only ended because the AP died, and then she spent another year mourning him. I won’t lie, I was a little happy AP was dead, but that faded pretty quickly when I realized that was the only reason things ended when they did. Your WW didnt so much choose you and your kids, she had you to fall back on once AP was gone. If she tries to spin it any other way it is simply revisionist history.

Perhaps the most maddening thing for me to read is that it sounds like she fell into a very comfortable situation (e.g. trust funds for you and the kids). So she got to have wild porno sex with her AP for 8+ freakin years (while you were getting leftovers) and now she gets to fall back on a mature, stable, financially secure relationship with you as she ages. That is so unfair it makes me want to scream. I have a hang up with “fairness” though so it may not be as big a deal to you, but I think there have to be some serious fucking consequences for her to even begin settling the scales on this. Lol, what am I saying, she could never possibly make this up to you (and she’s admitted as much). Fuck, it pisses me off! I can’t imagine how you feel as the direct recipient of this shit sandwich.

I’m glad she left to go to her sister’s house. I think detaching from her in the near to mid-term is a good idea so that you can clear your head and decide what you want to do. Good luck and I hope there was something of value for you in my thoughts.

Watching football - Looks like you are facing it fairly well. That is good. No need to keep getting victimized repeatedly. You are the one who is affected. My thinking is though WW has affection for you now it cannot be very deep after all this. So even if you R you have to think of your interests first second and third due to the gravity of the betrayal and the manner it was forced to end.

Wondering whether you never had suspicion all this time or WW effectively compartmentalize her two lives. Did she tell you about POS being in the house before you showed her emails? Feel sad for POS's OBS and kid. They also were punished for his misdeeds. POS is a worst kind of OM enjoying (may be encouraging) WW slighting you. This SAHM POS was somewhat similar to Arbuom's post SAHM (too much sorrow and pain).

She must be wondering how the hell you got all deleted stuff - LoL

[This message edited by goalong at 4:46 PM, November 18th (Saturday)]

Ambie xoxoxoxox

Enjoy the quiet time you need, your grounds, and time alone. I hope you do not allow her back until YOU are ready. I respect the way she took the confrontation. I do believe she can R. I question if you can (or should), how does one get over this? This is for you to decide, on your time, at your pace. KNOW THIS!!!! YOU are obviously an amazing husband and man...in time, the chaos will start to dissipate and you can move forward in your life.

Eat, sleep, fresh air, water, and obtain a pay cheque! That is all you need to be responsible for right now. We are here for you

[This message edited by Creatingpeace at 5:12 PM, November 18th (Saturday)]

The psychological counselling dealt with helping her get over the loss of loved one. It didn't teach her to hate the POSOM. It was grieve counselling.

Logically part of dealing with the loss involves trips to the grave site. Questions for your wayward: Where is he buried? Do you still visit the grave as much as I know you used to? When was the last time you were there? In her highly compartmentalized mind it is legitimate to miss a love that preceded you, her current husband. She only hit reset when the psy counselor led her there. Your marriage was dead and she had moved on all with you and your kids totally oblivious to her absence.

I am going to either throw-up or kick a puppy now!

AmbivalentOne,

Why did you chose this screen name for SI? Does it accurately describe your state of mind when you became a member?

Please consider the following suggestions to provide yourself with a fuller picture:

1. Your W should provide a list of those who knew of the adultery, those who enabled it, and when they learned. I suggest this because you have now learned that her sister had awareness. I think it would be helpful for your perspective to know if there were those that counseled her against the adultery when it was ongoing, as well as close friends, friends in your social circle, and family members who knew but either did nothing or aided in the deceit.

2. A polygraph would provide a basis for you to believe what she has told you and ascertain if there was any other infidelity. Rather than a "lie detector", I'll refer to it in your situation a "truth/trust builder"

3. You stated that you did a data recovery on her old computer to find the other photos, letters, etc.. I take that to mean that they had all been deleted but were recoverable on the hard drive.

When did she delete them? Did she make other copies (digital/hard copy) that are stored elsewhere? If so has she read/reread the letters over the past years?

4. Ask for access to her current digital devices without giving her time to delete any content.

5. Review your cell phone account information as far back as feasible to determine high volume frequent numbers.

6. This one is tough. Once you have verified the death of the adultery partner I'd suggest that you try to independently determine if she has an annual remembrance by gravesite flowers or newspaper memorial. Lacking independent verification, I believe you should ask her if she visits the grave, places flowers.

7. This one is tougher. Did your children know, suspect or become aware? You can ask your W. You should ask your adult children.

Other posters have stated that the adultery ended with the death of the OM and that you are out of infidelity. True, you are out of infidelity in the sense that the adultery is not active. The effects of the infidelity are just now known to you. She has had years after the A to process. Years to construct yet another life (post A) held together by deceit.

These suggestions are meant to help you understand the totality of the betrayal and ascertain her state of mind up to present. The depth of the betrayal by your W up until the death of the adultery partner is largely known to you. The depth of the deceit is known to you only when you know more about those that had knowledge and what they did with that knowledge; her state of mind and actions post A.

Otherwise her secret life, the one she has been living post A, remains secret.

Nativeplus40,

All signs point to this being a non-compartmentalizations affair. She spent significant time shitting on her husband and talking about running away with them.

I’m not really disagreeing with anything, just wanted to point that out because one needs to approach non-compartmentalizations affairs much differently than compartmentalized ones.

Example of compartmentalized: Walloped

Example of non-compartmentalized: LuxJello, NotPerfect5

I don’t have much to add here. You have gotten great and varied advice from people here. I too was subjected to having the affair partner in the marital bed. I know it is devistating. The fact that it was 9 years even worse

Enough time has passed and she has proven herself to be a pretty good partner. Maybe that can overcome the treachery.

Just remember, you are driving the bus from here on. If you want her around, or if you want her out of your sight while you process, it’s your choice.

I think you are correct in making her leave. I didn’t and it was a big mistake. I didn’t expose either and the lack of consequence for me was a huge stumbling block.

Take your time and see what she does.