SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She will leave eventually just not now. Her perfect world has been rocked but you are still there, so as long as she says she wants the marriage then she will get her time but she has checked out because come on, she said she loves him but wants the marriage? After banging him in the car?

I think she was very close to leaving me for him but is afraid how that would look to our children/she's afraid of her reputation being ruined.

Spot on!!

So if she keeps OM in the picture then she can start to tell loved ones and family this is all on you and she tried to fix things but it was too much she had to leave.

Play it by ear if she leaves her job fine. But watch out I think you'll get some push back.i.e I need space to figure things out i.e I need space to ride OM again.

I'm three months out from dday with a very similar story. You think your wife is starting to show remorse but it's fools gold. If she was truelyremorseful you would know it and she would be putting in 100% while you put in 20%. Like you I was holding onto hope. It took me 2 1/2 months my emotions to get in check but when that happens the decision will be obvious. You will know when you start making decision for you and not to influence her. It is tough to get to that point and took me while. But I'm sorry but your wife is not r material right now.

Your recent update convinces me more than before that you must expose.

I've read a few threads recently on TAM and LS where the BH exposed their WW to their teen kids and their reaction is what really bursts the affair bubble.

In all of these, the WW spoke of being in love with their OM but when faced their teens anger and how they rallied around their father, it hits them hard.

What she did was done to the whole family.

Well she is used to being secretive, but now that needs to stop. Don't help her hide behind that mask she wears of being the perfect wife and mom, when you know what she dis in the parking lot.

Exposure to the world like putting a sign in the front yard "MY SPOUSE IS A CHEATER" is mean and vindictive.

Exposing to friends and family is something I think you should do. If they are aware of the affair, when she asks her sister or BFF to cover for her they may (or may not) decide not to cover for her and remind her not to stray. More eyes watching won;t stop her from doing things but you may get a text one night when she is "at a class" or "volunteering" saying someone saw her with a OM.

Letting your kids know (age appropriately) is necessary if the OM lives nearby and also has kids. Kids aren't stupid, when I was in 5th grade the entire class knew that one of the kids mom was having an inappropriate realtionship with Mr Griffith. And we we like 12 years old!!!

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:44 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Barry you have the right to expose her affair. However there are risks, waywards are already messed up in the head and some take being exposed by their spouse as a betrayal by you. She could decide for D if you expose, it is a possibility.

I would carefully think about it before you do it. If you are ok if she runs after exposure and you believe that exposing is going to help R then do it. Don't do it only to shame her to friends and family.

Barry,

I have been off of here for a few days but will add some things in;

First my observations:

1) This was a very bad affair. All affairs are bad but she was willing to push you out of the house so she could affair with this loser.

2) I am always opposed to separation unless it is going straight to divorce with no chance of getting back together. You hear the term 'Trail Separation' again, just say OK I will file for divorce tomorrow and you are moving out. I am glad you didn't take the bait, otherwise I would be pounding the term DIVORCE in your face over and over right now

3) Yes, they had sex multiple times and you have to assume it is even more than you think

4) I agree with the others that your unwillingness to stand strong and your fear of losing her has made you look weak in her eyes and she has capitalized on that at your expense.

5) The fact that she was willing to 'run away with him' is something most here would divorce over quickly.

6) She is still in contact with him. The affair is ongoing. She still professes feelings for him. Nothing has changed.

7) I like Bigger's approach as always but I also agree with TrenR, Jsmart and manfromlamancha. She has proven to you that she is not a safe partner and can't be trusted as one. She was willing to destroy your family or replace you in it.

8) It is my opinion that you need to stop being sad for yourself. You need to take a day and get out of the house, go somewhere peaceful with notebook and pen, and write down a balance sheet of the positives and negatives of staying with her. Then weigh them out. If need be, make phone calls to close 'advisors' who aren't affiliated with her and who will give you hard truths. Weigh this out. Employ a 180. Stay on it hard. If you feel like you are going to break it, do a 'pattern interrupt'. Pick up the phone and call a friend. Run. Do pushups. Check out your favorite website. That will help.

9) Staying for the kids is not always the best thing. By the time they are all in college, you will be only a shell of the man you are now. I have always strongly suggested against this unless you feel it will destroy your life financially. You can't be an effective dad if you are not an effective person

I suggest you get to a place of peace mentally and you do this through a 180 and personal strategy sessions where you design objectives that don't move the benchmarks.

I could never get over what you went through and reconcile. Maybe you can ?? But if so, think forward to 5 years from now or 10. How will you look at her ? How will you look at yourself for staying ? For leaving ? Envision that. It matters

She doesn't want me to tell anyone about the affair stating that it will ruin any chance of moving forward...

See the above for what it is. This is a threat. "Help me hide the affair or no reconciliation". But it is a useful pointer as to what your next move should be. I'd suggest waiting to see if she follows through on leaving her job first. And then expose.

...and our marriage is our business.

I'd quite agree if your WW hadn't invited OM into it.

I think she was very close to leaving me for him but is afraid how that would look to our children/she's afraid of her reputation being ruined.

So her reputation is what's keeping her in the marriage? How romantic. It's just good science. Every great marriage is built on a solid foundation of reputation.

Military metaphor coming your way. At the end of WW2, Japan signed an unconditional surrender. Why? Because we dropped the atom bomb.

We did not sit on those bombs and let Japan decide the terms of surrender. That is what you are doing. Letting her decide what the terms of your marriage wil be.

History is not on your side. Your "Nice her Back" approach does not work. Has never worked.

Read what everybody is telling you.

How are you doing Barry? You found out some heartbreaking details about her affair today and I hope you are doing ok.

T/J - with a vengeance.

Holy crap. Can you guys do yourselves a favor? Look at the date of this guy's first post. It was 2/5. That is TWO days ago!!!

What the hell do you think... that someone posts here and within 48 hours he is suddenly a new man? The hurt has magically transformed into power and a guy who is clearly reeling (and probably more than a little overwhelmed) is going to stop on a dime and become Superman?

On top of that, do some of you have a magical crystal ball? "She will leave eventually just not now." "THIS MARRIAGE IS OVER!!!! THERE IS NO COMING BACK FROM THIS!!! Seriously? How, exactly, do you know THAT and how in the world do you think this is of benefit to a guy who is just trying to figure out up from down??

It's been two days. Have some f'n compassion, will you?

Okay, T/J over.

To the original poster - here's some advice from a guy who has actually saved his marriage. Just because a wife gets caught doesn't mean that she automatically knows "what to do." Do you think your wife has found the Wayward Spouses forum on this site and has been posting/seeking help the way you have? Do you think it's easy to simply turn off her emotions because the husband discover the affair? Do you think she's worried about what the future holds for her?

I ask those questions not to condone her behavior. She SHOULD be absolutely bending over backward for you in an attempt to save the marriage. And, quite frankly, no one (especially you) should give a rat's ass about her feelings for the POS other guy. But it does illustrate a point. A WW knows just as little about reconciliation as a BS does - especially in these first few days. They don't know how you feel... and, quite frankly, they may have felt slighted by you and see that as justification for the affair. Do you think any of our wives see, right at Dday, that it's THEM who are fucked up??? It takes them time, too.

Set your boundaries. Continue to move out of infidelity. Come down hard on breeches to your demands. But also recognize that reconciliation doesn't happen overnight. It is a slow, sometimes terribly difficult process. And few make it.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 6:54 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

Completely agree with your threadjack, LIC.

Barry, listen to Bigger, Walloped, Confused, and LIC.

Just doing a select all and delete on the text I had written because LifeisCrazy said what I wanted to post. Only nicer…

Barry – I have seen people reconcile from what might be considered “worse”… Multiple affairs, multiple partners, multiple betrayals… It IS possible. It’s immense work and right now your marriage… well… it’s in ER and you are doing triage on all the hurts and cuts trying to keep it alive.

What you need to be firm on IMHO is that you don’t accept infidelity. You are moving out of infidelity. She can come along if she wants to.

Chances are HIGH she will break NC, try to negotiate a “better deal” and what-not. You just keep slowly but surely heading out of infidelity. As long as you keep momentum and head out you have a chance.

Remember my train analogy? Note how I said you packed her bag and bought her a ticket? Yet you always kept your schedule? That’s what you can do. Keep your schedule but do things that might help her commit to the marriage.

But then… I have also seen people divorce for less…

Barry I know you're head is all over the place. How could my wife and mother my children want to leave me to be with an OM that she's known for a few months? Those thoughts are normal but must not prevent you from taking action.

The action that you MUST take immediately is to expose the affair to the whole family.

Your teen kids must know how your wife's actions has brought the family to the brink of coming apart. Their reaction can burst your wife's affair bubble.

Her parents must know what is going on. Any influential friends should be made aware Too. The family and friends are told so they can help you fight for the marriage.

Don't let her bully or shame you into hiding her adultery. If you do, it will only come back to haunt you.

HER ADULTERY WAS NOT ONLY BETWEEN YOU AND HER. SHE BETRAYED THE WHOLE FAMILY.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 6:13 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Hey Barry. Boy, your head must be spinning right now. I actually didn't realize that your DDay, or at least when you signed on here, was just 2 days ago. Thank you LifeisCrazy for pointing that out.

So, first let me say that you are doing extremely well for someone in their first few days.

Second, there's an SI saying: take what you need and leave the rest. Basically, you're going to continue to get a whole bunch of posts of all stripes. Sometimes it's not easy to figure out which to listen to. And other times you'll get some from folks who will completely trash your wide, or you, use horrible language to make their point, and really are just projecting their own anger and unresolved situations on to you. I got plenty of those too. Obviously, do your best to ignore those hard as it might be.

So, let's look at this from a 50,000 foot level. The key points that folks have been making are as follows:

a) Trying to "nice" your wife back never works. I'll promise x, y or z. I'll shower her with love. I'll tell her why we're so much better together than she would be with OM. I'll use the kids. Does. Not. Work. Full stop. So don't go down that route.

b) Taking decisive action is imperative. Whatever that is, showing strength, setting boundaries, establishing consequences, and follow through are essential. For example, follow Bigger's script. That's an action. Inform your parents and hers. That's an action. Lay down what No Contact means, send an NC text and block OM's number. Actions. It is early, it the sooner you take actions, and you have, the greater likelihood of success. And by that I mean you getting out of infidelity.

c) This is a tough one. Your wife is likely still lying to you. I know that is so hard to hear and comprehend, but it's true. I'm not saying she's an evil person, but a good part of that, if she really does love you and wants to stay married to you, is self preservation. The less you know the greater chance you won't divorce her. Or, she's in love with OM or thinks she is and will still contact him. This is normal for the situation you are in. Doesn't mean your marriage is over, but understand this and prepare yourself. By definition, her cheating is lying. She's been lying to you for months - she didn't all of a sudden become truthful now. So for you, that means you watch and weigh her actions. Her words don't mean too much right now. That breakdown of trust happened. I can tell you it took me a bit to start viewing my wife differently. I'd think, "she wouldn't lie to me" and then it'd hit me what she did and how silly that thought was.

Again in a nutshell:

1) Don't try to nice her back.

2) Take decisive action towards getting out of infidelity.

3) Understand you cannot trust your wife yet and prepare yourself for what that entails.

The rest of the posts you've received are tactics and strategies of steps you can take or warnings of behavior. But the above are key, IMHO.

Separate note: Please, please take care of yourself. Eat, drink plenty of water, exercise. Read the Healing Library (link is in the yellow box in the upper left corner). See your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping (I took Ambien). Find someone you can discuss this with and unload on. We, obviously, are near for you, but having a sibling, parent, or best friend be there for you to support you, would be really helpful. It was for me.

Hang in there Barry. Sending strength.

Lifeiscrazy, I get what you are saying and yes it's only been two days for this thread. That is true and sometimes when a thread like this takes off for 6-7 pages during that time, people forget that.

On the other hand, I would argue that time is of the essence and this affair has been going on for half a year and dday was 3 weeks ago (not the two days that this thread has existed) so just because he started posting two days ago doesn't mean he found out two days ago and even he called his own response to the affair weak.

In the end, the objective here shouldn't be attacking other posters like you did.

The answer should be to get this guy out of infidelity as fast as possible like Bigger suggested but I am an anti-limbo guy. I hate limbo. This guy is going to be in limbo for a while based on his actions to date. You suggest that reconciliation can take a long time. However what people don't understand is investing a long time into a dead relationship deprives people of healing and opportunities to move on. I know a guy who tried to reconcile for 5 years through 2 affairs and in the end, he was 5 years older (and looked 15 years older), he had less money in the end because he was richer and lost more in the divorce settlement and he gave up many opportunities for positive relationships in the interim and there were many positive women interested in him.

Only Barry can figure out what he wants. On the other hand, I digress from some here and suggest that Barry try figuring it out sooner rather than later so his healing process can start NOW

Well she asked for a separation on January 17th, she later took back that statement and said she didn't mean it. In the time before this I became aware of her affair partner but didn't have enough evidence. She claims to not remember how long this has been going on but she only started the job 5 months ago so yeah. She has initiated NC ( i verified) but it seems as if she's upset about it, is that to be expected??

I gave her a choice me or him and if so she has to quit today she go no contact. She said sorry but that she's in love with him but wants our marriage back so she will meet my demands. She's going to quit today (we don't need the money she is in the job basically because of boredom). Well I don't even feel better. My wife has just admitted she's in love with this other guy and has fucked him more than once.

I don't know if she's committed to working on the marriage despite what she says.

She doesn't want me to tell anyone about the affair stating that it will ruin any chance of moving forward and our marriage is our business. She has said she's going to tell work she has to leave her job due to family problems and will not be returning. She sent a text to the OM telling him she cannot communicate with him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage. Sadly I don't believe this, I think she was very close to leaving me for him but is afraid how that would look to our children/she's afraid of her reputation being ruined.

Barry, this is a process. You are doing great. You are on the process. Before today, you were in limbo. Going nowhere. Last night you realized, and I can see you can see the truth of it. I agree with your "gut" feeling, and I would say to stick with that gut for the time being.

Right now, just keep your eyes and ears open. As long as your wife is doing everything you ask, your REASONABLE requests, then I would recommend not detaching, not ignoring her. Also, not exposing. Wait for those things - detaching, exposing - for if she breaks no contact, or if she refuses to quit the job. I'm not saying be loving with her if that is fake, but what I am saying is to engage with her, not detach. Unless she breaks the requests which she has agreed to.

I know you gave up the VAR info to your wife, but I suggest putting it in the house instead of the car. Put it in a place where she would likely talk when you are not around. Consider putting a nanny cam in there, too.

I recommend you ask her to get tested for STDs, and you get copy of the results. I think this is important not only for the health reason, but as a consequence, to help her realize.

I personally would find the scrapbook and put it on the coffee table, or in the kitchen, or dining room, something she will see all the time, and open it up to a page where shows her love for you not too long ago.

I think you know the full truth, minus the details. You know the big picture, she had a lot of sex with him, love you's, etc.

She could leave you for him, and she is not. Think about that. Despite reputation, kids, etc. - she has picked you over him.

If you find out she has re-contacted him, or didn't quit the job, expose to her family, tell them you are moving forward without her because she has cheated and refuses to end contact. Then detach and move forward.

If she still is refraining contact with him, and quit the job, (and I would add get tested for STDs), then you should engage with her and try to figure out the answers you need to move forward married.

Great advice right there...

it seems as if she's upset about it, is that to be expected??

Expected? No. But it happens. It happens a lot. It is not great, but at least she is being honest and open if you can see it. And she has picked you, so it shows there is a strong bond deep down with you.

The affair lasted 3-4 months, don't you think? It's not going to unwind mentally in a day. Or two. IF she stays away from other man, you will see improvements in a week or two or three. It is not a straight line, but it gets better over time. If you don't see that, then you will know she is still in contact with him.

The number one sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. The number two sign of cheating is behavior. She will be distant, cold, she will get annoyed by you easily, nothing you can do or say will be happy for her, she'll find it annoying the way you eat and sleep and shower and everything. Once caught, it is easy to change the "hiding phone" red flag, she can do alternate methods, but she can't change the behavior easily 24/7 for weeks upon weeks.

As for now, you are on the way to be out of this hell. This is a process, you pushed it along today, before this you were treading water, going nowhere.

To be honest, I don't know if I could put up with the attitude your wife is giving. I blasted my wife the day I discovered and she begged me within a few minutes. But my wife's affair was petering out. If my wife was in the height of the affair, and my wife told me how much she loved other man and act all pouty, I'd probably divorce her. Much of reconciliation is based on luck and timing. The good timing for you is that your wife's affair wasn't ready to leave for you yet. If you had found out 2-3-4 months later, maybe she would walk away immediately. Much of this is beyond your control if you want to save the marriage. You can follow the process, and you will get out of infidelity. It is up to your wife, and you, if the marriage can be saved.

wk55hn, do you really think not exposing to her family and their teen kids is the way to go?

I'm concerned about them going into R with her not facing any consequences. As far gone as she was, keeping things under wraps could allow her try to reconnect with OM.

Right now there's a thread by a WW named Deadsoul on LS that confessed to her BH of a year long PA with their mutual "friend." The BH exposed to family including their teen kids, who have rallied around their father and the WW is now facing their anger and hurt, which has further busted up her fog that she was under.

I think about a WW that posted both on LS and here on SI's wayward section about her 2 year PA with her gym trainer. Her husband exposed to all including their teen kids, which woke her up even though she claimed it was a sex only PA.

There have been other threads that I've read that have also shown that having the WW face the kids anger and hurt really seems to defog them. Barry's WW is under a deep illusion. Rug sweeping will have her just lose further respect for him.