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Make one thing clear to her:

She is totally free to go back to OM and he will probably be all too happy to share I love you and let’s have sex with her all-day long.

If she chooses him then you two will find some reasonable way to handle the divorce and all that logistics stuff.

Tell her she can get a burner-phone, meet him when you are at work, open a secret e-mail account… Whatever. But the truth will eventually come out. If he’s so important to her she’s free to go be with him. Ask that she AT LEAST be honest enough to not hide it so YOU can get on with YOUR life.

But…

This is the one known chance she has to reconcile with YOU.

If you hear of ongoing contact… There is no guarantee of another chance. Your willingness to reconcile is totally based on NOW. Anything she does to jeopardize that can tilt it the other way.

BTW – Walloped suggest you follow my advice if she decides to choose OM. My advice isn’t based on ending the marriage but on ending infidelity. Only now she’s told you she wants to go on that journey. Now it’s your task to monitor if she packs her bags, goes willingly to the station with you, accepts her ticket and climbs on board.

Bigger - Yes. Exactly. What I meant was that if she immediately quits her job, agrees to NC, and does everything a WW who wants to remain married should do, then that's one thing. However, if she hems and haws, the Barry should follow your script. If I recall your script wa along the lines of that she can choose OM or Barry, but if she chooses OM then Barry should get himself out of infidelity and let her know that he is proceeding with moving on without her and terminating the marriage (doesn't mean he can't halt those proceedings).

But if I take your point, the goal is not about the marriage. It's whether Barry continues to live in infidelity, sharing his wife with OM. Decisions on the marriage is a separate issue.

Wow, a lot got posted while I was typing my post above.

I'm so sorry you got confirmation of the full on PA activity. It echos my situation alot except it was hotel rooms and locked offices where they did the deed. It's the biggest crap sandwich a man can be served. BUT ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is hers. Do not forget that.

Be strong. Take time for yourself. Eat something & drink water and stay hydrated. Get to the Dr. for meds if you can't sleep. Try to keep your anger in check. Exercise helps.

It's good shes quitting the job at least.

Strength Brother. Keep posting here.

[This message edited by Badsitch at 9:00 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

In your case, I would definitely have that conversation with HR at their work. Tell them your wife is quitting because of their affair and visit that consequence on OM. I would expose OM in every way possible. I'd contact his SO and tell her too- even if they are separated/divorced. Don't take your wifes word for the status of his marriage or the job position she tells you OM holds. If she reports to OM at work- he will be called out on the carpet or else flat fired. She will try to cause as little damage to him as possible- because she 'loves him' right? Believe nothing you can't verify for yourself.

My 1st wife had affairs with co-workers at her job. Every single time she got a new job she cheated with a co-worker. I didn't know about all the others until years after we divorced. My 1st ex wayward wife went on and married and divorced 5 TIMES since we split up 20 years ago. Each time she ran off with her affair partner. She was in love with the "new", in love with the excitement of new lust, in love with the fantasy, in love with the chase, in love with new romance.

Trust me, your wife doesn't "love" him, she loves the thrill, the excitement of the new, it is a drug, she is in love with the high she is getting.

I know it really hurts, but my point is that it is not you. She is broken, you are fine. It has nothing to do with you being undesirable, or less of a man than her AP. It is hard to not take it this way, you are questioning yourself worth right now, but Barry you are a good man and she is the one that is broken.

Take some time and process this, take a few months. I would suggest doing the 180 detach and watch her actions. See if she is going to follow through with terminating her employment, NC with the other man, full transparency, and starts IC to fix herself.

Again, don't for one single second believe she is "in love" with this POS. Also it is not that you are less of a man or less desirable, you are reality and the OM is fantasy, fantasy always wins, and she will learn the difference in IC.

[This message edited by soulhurt at 9:26 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Since the OM apparently lives close by because his kid goes the the same school as yours moving out of the area could be a good choice.

A close personal friend of mine had to move to save the marriage. His wife had an affair with the next door neighbor and said that she too was "in love" with him. However she also didn't want to end the marriage. They also have kids, so they decided to move to save the marriage. It has been a few years now and they are still together.

I knew she was hoping on leaving you for him. The separation was to get you out of the house, then she can tell everyone that you were having problems and how she' wasn't happy for years, then bring OM out later as a new love.

You must expose to family and friends, including kids if they older teens. You must burst affair bubble that her head is in.

I agree with others that what she thinks is love is just an addiction to the feelings the affair gives her.

You can send her on her way. See if he wants an adulterous woman with 3 kids. He won't want her for long. Then she will be heading toward being middle aged divorcee with 3 kids.

Another point to think about at this critical juncture.

If you set your boundaries clearly she must be absolutely certain of the parameters. She must understand what NO CONTACT means and she needs to recognize that being in further touch with the AP will be considered grounds for your ending the marriage.

Why do I bring this up?

Because it is RIGHT NOW when your wife is at most risk for contacting the AP. Why? Because she's in love with him and she's going to feel a need to have closure. She's going to give that final, tearful goodbye - like star crossed lovers who can't consummate a life together. It is very rare that a WW will simply turn her back on a man she feel she loves.

So... keep your eyes and ears open. Consider your options - what if she DOES reach out to him? Is that a deal-breaker? How will you react? Because, I'm telling you, there's a very good chance it's going to happen.

Lastly, just so you know, my wife was also in love with her AP - FOR 3 YEARS. We have completely and fully reconciled and, 5 years later, we are far better off than we were previously. It CAN be done... but it requires you to be disciplined and firm in setting YOUR boundaries and requirements as well as HER ability to come back to the marriage.

It's not for the faint of heart, but it can be done.

She doesn't want me to tell anyone about the affair stating that it will ruin any chance of moving forward and our marriage is our business. She has said she's going to tell work she has to leave her job due to family problems and will not be returning. She sent a text to the OM telling him she cannot communicate with him anymore and she wants to work on her marriage. Sadly I don't believe this, I think she was very close to leaving me for him but is afraid how that would look to our children/she's afraid of her reputation being ruined. I don't know if I can stomach all the details or want to see more coversation than I need to. She was actually close to spending the night with him on his bday, "she said his present was going to be waking up next to her in the morning". I just can't look anymore. She has a counseling session scheduled already... I could tell she is hurting since she initiated NC but I refuse to comfort her.

[This message edited by barry22 at 11:43 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Barry, I have said this before and what you have uncovered makes what I said even more true!

THIS MARRIAGE IS OVER!!!! THERE IS NO COMING BACK FROM THIS!!!

She got hit on, liked the attention and fvcked him every which way!

She has lost respect for you. Because you are still begging and playing the pick me dance.

If you were to do what Bigger advised then the only addition/correction I would make is that if she did everything you asked, there would be no guarantee of a reconciliation and that it would depend on how you felt at the end of it. She has to be on her knees, snot flowing from her nose, begging you to take her back and she has to be ready to wait forever for you to change your mind.

This clearly is not the case. The fact that she is carrying on "trying to decide" is enough to know that this is over.

Note that she doesn't want you back - she wants the marriage back even though she is in love with him. She will never look at you the same and neither will you (look at yourself or her the same).

Suck it up, get the divorce going and fake it till you make it. This is not the end of the world for you. Its going to be tough but very, very worth it!

Wake up and smell the semen!

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 11:44 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Did you see the actual NC message?

She still thinks she can tell you how it will be, and you will just go along.

That needs to end. Now.

You tell whoever you want to tell, if you think they will be supportive.

Download all the texts, pics, emails,etc, and store them somewhere safe. Now. You may not be able to look at them anytime soon, but eventually you will. You can use the information in that data to compare it to what she has told you.

If you want to reconcile, you have to start with the truth. And you won't get it from her.

I find it interesting that she is insisting you don't tell her family, because she doesn't want them to think she's like her mom. Yet, she had no problem having an affair,like her mom did. She was ok with what she was doing when it was fun.

She doesn't want anyone to know who she truly is. Including you.

The betrayed husbands here, who have had the most success, were aggressive, they made it crystal clear they wouldn't tolerate one more ounce of shit. They didn't try to nice their wife back.

She sees your passivity as weakness.

WHAT

THEIR

WORK

RELATIONSHIP???

I think this is the third time I ask. There is a reason. It is relevant!

They are about the same level employees, he is not her boss. They both have someone they report too. I answered it in a few posts before this. Yeah I saw her send it and I approved it. His number is also blocked and I will be monitoring her communications from now on.

Barry I'm so sorry this happened. I agree that with you that you have more than enough details.

Jsmart is dead on, it appears that her plan was to leave you the, blame you from the martial problems, then roll out this other man a couple months down the road.

Exposing the affair is a tough call. You have every right to tell whoever you want. There is a risk that will push her away from you. It is your call, will exposing the affair help you and the outcome you seek? If not then don't expose.

Again I'm so sorry, I know you are hurting, you have been with some really hurtful details today. We are all hoping for the best for you and we are thinking about you. You are doing great, you are moving through this very rapidly, making fast progress to get out of infidelity. This is much better than having a WW in limbo, or you in limbo. You have taken control quickly, you are doing great despite all the heartbreaking details you are processing.

She doesn't want anyone to know who she truly is. Including you.

The betrayed husbands here, who have had the most success, were aggressive, they made it crystal clear they wouldn't tolerate one more ounce of shit. They didn't try to nice their wife back.

She sees your passivity as weakness.

Read what Confused wrote. Read it again. She is dead on.

And you can count me as someone who was in your shoes. Read my story. Links are on my profile page. I was as messed up and lost as you. The only thing I had going for me was that I was so lost and clueless about how to deal with what my wife did that I simply surrendered myself to the SI wisdom I was receiving. Guess what? It saved my life, and so far, my marriage.

Key piece? I laid down the law. I wasn't an asshole about it (most of the time). But I made it clear what needed to happen, what the boundaries were, and that I had a zero tolerance policy for anything that deviated from MY requirements. And I didn't give two shits about her feelings on the matter.

Where is your anger? Where is your outrage?

Call her work. Find out their work relationship yourself. My wife's OM told her he was divorced. He wasn't. He was married and in freaking marriage counseling with his wife! My wife broke No Contact. To get closure. You can be certain your wife will do the same.

Tell her parents. Tell yours. Affairs thrive in darkness. Expose it to the light. How old are your kids? Depending on their age, they may be ready to hear what's going on. Your wife's affair was not just a betrayal of you, but of your whole family. We told my older kids, but not my younger ones.

You be clear on what you require of her and what is unacceptable. You define consequences, but only those that you are serious about and are willing to follow through on. If you need help with that, we are here for you.

Key point: Take control. Now.

You still are not listening to what we are telling you.

SHE DOES NOT CONTROL THE SHOTS- YOU DO. This is the "My way or the highway- or else you can get the fuck out" and MEAN it time.

She wanted a sterling reputation? Maybe not fucking other men would have been wise.

You have got to expose and visit harsh consequences on her until she hits rock bottom or she will never face what she has done and will carry your balls around in her purse.

If she doesn't want to work with you- in your way- then file for D , use not exposing to get a favorable deal, and roll on with it. Expose her after the D is done.

OK Barry – missed that one. It was exactly the boss/staff angle I was going for.

Confused is right, as is Walloped.

Exposure serves a purpose and it’s not (only) to shame and embarrass the WS. It’s to get people to support the marriage. Her comment about this being an issue between you and her… that ended once she invited OM into the equation.

I think stakeholders in the marriage that can positively impact your wife should be told in an appropriate way. If you think they will support the marriage, then tell whomever you like. Only I suggest you do so in a relatively “kind” way:

“WW has been having an affair with OM (use his name). She has told me it’s over and has accepted my offer we try to reconcile. This is a hard time for us and I would appreciate any help you can offer in making our marriage work. It’s clear that if she’s in any contact whatsoever with OM then we don’t have any future and I’m not sure she really understands what’s at stake.”

If you choose not to fully expose the A for now, that's fine, especially if it helps your R in the long run.

Seeing as you have the confession recorded, you don't really need to fully expose at this time, though I would recommend reporting it to the company HR and to his spouse if there is one.

However be ready to expose if she is just going to play lip service to your marriage and try to continue the A...they often will at the beginning.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:21 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

*doubletap*

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 1:43 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]