SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My boys are older 30 & 33 but she is basically estranged now from the oldest. Won't even talk to him. He insisted on talking face to face and she refused. He was there when I found out.

The youngest is just hanging in there. They both cannot believe this is there mother acting this way. He mentioned my mother taught me better morals than the way she is acting. He is very afraid this could happen to him as he is engaged.

It's incredible, isn't it? You know, you may only be legally responsible for your children to 18, but you are morally responsible to them for life.

They are going to carry this trauma forward. They have been betrayed. They have witnessed their father being betrayed. And the real screwed up part of this is that they know you are hurting, yet you have to be the father...and shoulder much of this burden so it doesn't hurt your children any more than it is right now. The amount of injustice is unfathomable.

You are a good man. Things are going to get better. Just getting this craziness out of your life is going to improve many areas. Your eyes are open a lot wider than they were in the past. I hope that you benefit greatly from this.

Jb3199

Great post thank you. I believe she has no idea how much pain she has caused her family, just so "she is happy". When do you grow up, 70, 80?

To see her not even care or make very little, if any contact tells me she knows she has hurt them and that she does not care but for herself. Self love, such a warped interpretation.

I will be there for my sons until I lay my head down for the last time, as my father before me and his father before him. Respect, honor and love. Something my FWW knows nothing about.

Oh, and I will maintain my self respect in spite of all this as well. She will never be able to take that from me. You are the only person who can give your self respect away by acting like she has.

Is there such a thing as emotional exhaustion? I am so physically tired of all this crap what with the memories playing in my head. The movies of them together, the hatred from her 'mouth ... I just feel like giving up.

Loneliness permeates my days and night and I am even dreaming of her.

How can I end this stuff?

JW;

I remember the emotional exhaustion well. I recall I discussion with a good friend who knew what was going on. When he asked how I feel as holding up, I remember thinking of all of what I was feeling. In the end I said...friend I am so, so tired. Emotionally spent. It will take you months to get that feeling gone.

I imagine it's because iinfidelity is so horrific you mind can't switch off trying to rationalize something that can't be rationalized. I feel for you man.

I

Rather boating, thanks for validating my emotional state. Your comments on how emotionally devastating infidelity is really hit home. In so many ways it takes you to your knees, your self esteem, crazy random emotions you fight to control and all the time you begin to doubt your sanity. SI is a great place for fellow SI'ers can talk you down. I am grateful for whoever started this place. I never ever thought I would be in such a place but life deals a helluva hand sometimes.

How a human being that professes love can treat their mate this way still puzzles me. To wad up their life together and throw it away like a piece of trash has to be one of the most selfish acts possible. Just to be "happy".

My IC made a valid point to me today. We automatically believe our FEELINGS, yet they are fantasy. Not always dependably true but we accept them as so.

With,my feelings jumping around like a crazy person it's no wonder my mind is exhausted, my soul murdered and my future in doubt. All because I loved someone enough to make a commitment so very long ago.

Rather boating, thanks for validating my emotional state. Your comments on how emotionally devastating infidelity is really hit home. In so many ways it takes you to your knees, your self esteem, crazy random emotions you fight to control and all the time you begin to doubt your sanity. SI is a great place for fellow SI'ers can talk you down. I am grateful for whoever started this place. I never ever thought I would be in such a place but life deals a helluva hand sometimes.

How a human being that professes love can treat their mate this way still puzzles me. To wad up their life together and throw it away like a piece of trash has to be one of the most selfish acts possible. Just to be "happy".

My IC made a valid point to me today. We automatically believe our FEELINGS, yet they are fantasy. Not always dependably true but we accept them as so.

With,my feelings jumping around like a crazy person it's no wonder my mind is exhausted, my soul murdered and my future in doubt. All because I loved someone enough to make a commitment so very long ago.

JB;

While I'll confess I am just moving past this emotional exhaustion, many of the feelings remain. They just don't wear you down as much over time. You make many good points with respect to how crazy it is and the mind set of the WS.

I suppose this is why the standard advise is the 180. It allows you to start to move away from the rationalization and focus on you. In turn, you begin to recover and the other exhaustion subsides. Easier said than done I know.

[This message edited by RatherBboating at 6:21 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

When will the tears ever stop. When will this hole where my soul used to be fill with enough anger to spit on the memory's of this woman and walk away never to think of her or her hatred ever again.

There are times I wished she would experience the pain she has putme and our family through so she could lay on the ground and gut weep to no end, to no avail and no result other than another day of the same.

I know this sounds bad for a man to express this kind of grief especially at my age. Should just say "fuck'em" and forget'em

JW;

Your pain is palatable. There is no shame in expressing it. Indeed its part of the process. Shitty I know. I rememer well the depth of the agony, I didnt know you could feel so, so bad. As you have expressed it so painful its physical. Like being pinned to the floor by your stomach.

Keep posting it will allow you to process some of the emotion. Encourage you to not bury it. When it comes, let in run. I remeber many times being in the truck running errands, and stoppig in tne parking lot and it would hit. I recall staring out the windsheild with my hands on my cheeks still reeling as it just couldnt be real.We get it, you will get through this.Regreatably there are no short cuts.

I forget do you have anyone to lean on IRL.

Are you eating? I lost 40lbs in 60 days. Ugh.

How are you sleeping? Up at 3am everynight?

Are you drinking alcohol?

We are here for you. Stay strong, focus on your health. Go walk, and walk, and walk. I found it cathartic, was good for my body and mind. Shit I must of walked a 1000km the first month.

I do have someone that litterallyNchecks on me every day, my incredible sister. Such patience she has.

I have stayed away from alcohol but the first night I had my favorite whiskey drank too much and outed her on Facebook in the most tasteful of ways really. She was so pissed that I wrecked her reputation, what a joke. Said she was thinking of R but not after that. Pure crap. I did it so her family would know. Didn't even mention affair just she left for another man.

So no... Sorry so long I have staid away from even a nice glass of wine fore a while.

Sleep is another thing. I dream every damn night of her. Awake 2am - 3am. I am semi retired and teach at a local college so I can nap and catch up, sometimes.

All and all I realize I will have to put the time in on this one. I think the most disturbing aspect is not being able to control the emotional impact or thoughts like I would like. I have in the past, faced a lot of adversity in life and always powered through. The love of this woman was so all consuming I have allowed myself into some inescapable mind set.

Said she was thinking of R but not after that. Pure crap.

So sorry for you man.

She just told you everything you need to know - she doesn't feel bad about the affair, just the consequences. Time to move on.

And just keep saying what you said earlier:

I will be there for my sons until I lay my head down for the last time, as my father before me and his father before him. Respect, honor and love. Something my FWW knows nothing about.

Oh, and I will maintain my self respect in spite of all this as well. She will never be able to take that from me. You are the only person who can give your self respect away by acting like she has.

Remember that ^^^ Things will get better.

I wish there was a standard timetable or drug you could take to stop the memories, both good and bad. I don't know how she can simply turn off the good memories of what we had either.

I just need them to stop so I can get on with what is left of my life.

JWB2,

so sorry you going through this... just remember there are plenty fish in the sea, and when you are ready, I am sure you will find another loving, kind and compassionate soul mate to be by your side. Hang in there... it takes a little time, and as they say - time heals all, and things can only get better...

You know I almost sick of myself for not being stronger. I feel the absolute loneliness but miss this woman more than ever and it seems the longer this goes on the more I miss her. I feel I am digressing. This is a sad state for any self esteem I am trying to muster up. Drugs only take you so far.

Nope. You are darn strong to weather what is happening in your life.

I know it isn't very comforting, but time. The enemy for its slowness and ally for its healing.

Your self esteem will return.

The shift in feelings is part of feeling roller coaster of an infidelity survivor.

Find something to wrap your head in- books, movies, binge watching netflix, the mindlessness of a physical task like shoveling snow or weightlifting, build a new piece of furniture, build a model (don't sniff too much of the glue)... anything that requires a different type of concentration that can absorb you for a bit. It is a good mental salve.

And remember- you are doing well- even if it doesn't feel like it.

You know I almost sick of myself for not being stronger. I feel the absolute loneliness but miss this woman more than ever and it seems the longer this goes on the more I miss her. I feel I am digressing. This is a sad state for any self esteem I am trying to muster up. Drugs only take you so far.

We call it the roller coaster, JWB. No shame. It is what it is. We get it. It takes strength to make it through this without losing your mind. You're actually doing great.

Cut yourself some slack, this really just happened to you. I think your dealing with this massive shock pretty well. Right now your grieving for the woman and marriage you lost. Remember, your not missing the woman that is currently living with OM. You miss the wife you used to have, the one this woman living with OM killed. And that is healthy, you need to grieve. My grief for the woman I lost lasted around a year. Then I began to realize I was just wallowing in the grief, and I was tired of that. So I threw myself into other things. I started hanging out with my friends more, I took up bowling, and began playing basketball again in the local pickup tournaments. I was 24 at the time, 23 when she cheated. You just need to give yourself some time. As the months fall off the calendar, you will begin to find other interests, hobbies, friends, travel, whatever. The hurt will fade, you may even find another love interest. I know that will keep your mind busy. Right now your looking behind you, at the past, a problem I had as well. You will soon turn around and look forward to the future, and when you do I think you will find it isn't as bleak as you think. Stay strong brother, you will get thru this. We are all here for you.

Truth is I may be dis engaging from her in some ways. I found a picture of the family at the table Christmas before last. My STBXW has become incredibly ugly as I see her with new eyes, probably tainted with hate. When I loved her I knew she had aged, gained a lot of weight and didn't keep her self up so well. I didn't mind, I loved her unconditionally and knew she was going through some hard times with her mother and our life in general.

Now as I look at her she is probably one of the most ugly people I have ever seen. Her inside ugliness now resides on the outside.

I am not proud of this observation I just find it strange that I see her with "new" eyes that have been tortured beyond comprehension.

JWB, I can relate to the gild running off the image of the spouse.

It is like the decision to remain faithful and dedicated to the marriage and family created a filter- which isn't a bad thing if everyone is on board.

I remember the day I noticed she wasn't what I thought. I scrambled through old photos just to make sure.

Now, if I picture her, she is either a blur or I can see the crazy eyes that always came before the attacks. Just a body with giant crazy eyes intent on murder.

The other day I passed her at the little's school and didn't even recognize her until later in the day.

Part of the process, brother. Sigh. Stay strong.

quedagh

It is strange going through all these stages like everyone here has said all along.

All I feel toward her right now is intense anger. (Just like everyone said), anger that I am here once again cleaning up after her shit. I still remember one of our first episodes after our second baby was born. She was all worried her tits were sagging and with my total reassurance she was beautiful she decided to have a boob job. She emptied our savings account that I had been saving for taxes. I was self employed to tried to save for the end of the year that I always paid. Sure enough, she tells me she is scheduled and I had to figure out how to come up with money. That is the story of my life. She claims I was always angry and my anger was why she left. Can you imagine cleaning up after someone for 37 years. I was a fool and thought I loved her and would "make it work". Now she off ballin' her boyfriend and here I sit figuring a way to make this all work.

Someday I hope I am out of this hell she created. Like I said, I was complicit for I put up with it like a fool. God I hate this woman!