SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You should read up on borderline personality disorders (BPD). Sounds like she could have some of the traits...promiscuous - infidelity, spending sprees that leave you without a penny, and/or run your business into the ground... Once you are drained, ruined and not spoiling them, or giving them the validation they seek, they move on to their next victim. kind of like a black widow spider...

The pain you feel in bleeding through your posts, and I am so sorry you have to endure this. You are coping with a terrible loss, and the pain is profound. You are handling it the best way you can, and I know you'll come through this.

Here's the big question: who are you now? What do you love to do? What brings you feelings of satisfaction? What makes you feel joy? Are there things you've put aside or put on hold because of your marriage?

Trivial, my IC asked those same questions of me today. I found I had shelved any dreams I had to try and keep her happy . Always wanted to live in the mountains, she refused nose in the air, " You'll die and leave me stranded up there" and on and on. Like I said I was a real fool trying my darnest to make her happy. It couldn't be done but over the phone with the OM. " he makes me happy" what a waste of time. But I will put it together and keep on.

The IC commented how fast I am improving. Middle of the night sometimes it doesn't feel like it but I know I never want her back in my life ever.

My oldest had a birthday day or so ago and when she called him he didn't want to talk to her. He said he was tired of the lies and manipulation a. She really thinks she can pull one over on every one but the joke really is on her. So very sad what she has done to our family.

One of the things that seems to be helping me hold this together besides prayer is the realization that I did not deserve this. Like I have said this woman can really spin a web and had me convinced there was a problem with my anger. What it was is she had this annoying ability to push me into situations that provoked me to anger. I was like a fish in a barrel. I haven't been upset one day since she was gone in regards to my temper. No one should have that power over another and worse I permitted it in a poor attempt to provide her with love and understanding... Seems sick to me now. My self esteem is healing rather nicely as I realize the toxic effect she had on me. Good riddance!

It is amazing the amount of clarity that one can have when their "x" factor has been removed from the immediate environment.

I know that you didn't live in 37 years of misery. There are plenty of good times in there, and it is productive for you to grieve those losses. But during that timeframe, there were plenty of abuses, and manipulations, that simply couldn't be seen until there was separation. Now that you see these in the light of day, it becomes more and more obvious to you of just how much negative influence she had on you and your happiness.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. It would seem...at least in the latter years...that she lost focus of this.

JB3199, you are totally correct. It didn't start, our marriage I mean, that way. We did have many wonderful times together. At least I thought so. Her overriding negative narcissism was there and grew through the years and yes, I am equally to blame for my actions and responses. However I did not deserve to be betrayed. NO ONE deserves that kind of behavior and when she decided that was her action plan she provided an up close and personal view of her true character. A repulsive adulterer, liar and finally thief.

One of the things that seems to be helping me hold this together besides prayer is the realization that I did not deserve this.

JWB, you're doing great. You really are. Stay strong, man. We're here. Keep posting.

Thanks canoe,

That seemed to be a tipping point. That and I simply had no more tears. I quickly moved into anger and might again if I understand stand my IC correctly. I think NC has been extremely helpful and am a bit concerned when we have a four way sit down to settle divorce. She is so bitter which I have absolutely no understanding of. I am the one that was betrayed I should be ready for her head on a pike, oh well more craziness.

I appreciate your insight and this sight and folks like yourself have helped me immensely.

The longer I remain NC I think this will move along faster. I read some take two years and I simply don't want to waste one more minute on this person I thought I knew. She has become a pitiful site in my mind. Searching for happiness by spreading her legs, that is pitiful and repulsive for her heart is a stone.

My deepest regret is this didn't happen 36 years ago.

Yeah, not seeing or speaking to her will definitely speed up the process. And also the awful way she has treated you, and the terrible things she has said and done to you has begun to tarnish all your memories of her. She really hasn't given you anything to miss about her. That in itself will help the process. It reminds me of a saying I heard years ago. "I've heard of playing hard to get, but she is playing hard to want."

Long forgotten, you must know your post is the first here that caused me to actually laugh. " playing hard to want".

The communication I do get is through the attorneys. She was wondering why I had not paid her car insurance. My formal reply is "I am not obligated to fund your affair besides you have $15k use that for your insurance. We will see what that stirs up.

In reality I am wanting this divorce done with and know it will probably drag on with her the one dragging her feet for more money. I just want to get on with MY life without Her.

I honestly did not realize how she effected my daily outlook and attitude with her constant negative comments and actions and would then complain I was negative. I am in such a better place without this person in my life. In someways it hurts to say that and I would have been willing to continue on in the struggle but she made a choice which effected our lives together and in which I had no say. I will continue on with my life without her in it.

I'm glad you had a good laugh. I always thought that saying was funny myself.

She was wondering why I had not paid her car insurance. My formal reply is "I am not obligated to fund your affair besides you have $15k use that for your insurance. We will see what that stirs up.

Man she does have nerve doesn't she? She leaves, takes your cash, moves in with other man, and just can't understand why you aren't covering her bills. THAT would be funny if it wasn't so sad. And I agree she is going to scratch and kick, and try to money grab now, because she knows when the divorce is done, you are FREE and CLEAR of her. Her influence and say in your life is fading away. With all her negative influence gone, your going to feel like a new man. Hell, from what your posting, your already feeling a more positive tone in your life. Hang in there brother, this will all be behind you soon.

long forgotten,

That one realization,that I was better off without her, was a Huge step and when I truly realized it my tears stopped. A codependent relationship is what we had and I would have done anything to "make" her happy. Who would have known I should have called and talked dirty to her. That's all he did and she is in "heaven".

Enough sarcasm....

I am definitely better with out her in my life. Yes, it still brings tears for I will always love her for the good years and our children. But as it has been said her, The woman she is today killed the woman she once was.

I think if she really understood how I feel she would be "off kilter" for I no longer even want her in my life in any way. When grandkids arrive that may be difficult but I will be so over the sight of her by then that I would have to work to even care.

None of the BS here on this site deserve the insensitive and destructive treatment. That saddens my heart more that the bitch I am dealing with, really. This site is a life saver and the wonderful people who have suffered so much pain reaching out the others to hold them up and point them on the way of recovery is truly what the world of kindness is all about. I have said it before, "a stranger to me cared more about my welfare and state of mind than my mate of 37 years. Pitiful!

Broken,

You are a very loving man, and I am sorry what you are going through.

The most devastating part is I think I still love her.

I find I am actually worried about her safety and even the cop who waited two hours for her to empty our house said, “she will be back, you mark my words. When this guys start beating on her.”

You still love her, care about her, and hope she will come back to you. She is indeed making a huge mistake and ruining her future, marriage and own safety. What a mistake!

Please take care of yourself, and focus on healing by yourself. I am not sure if you still want her if she comes back with broken nose, but let's focus on your well being first.

I read your post in basically one sitting and I can see how you have progressed since November - I have nothing but respect for you in regards to how you have a person have adapted to this horrible and unfair circumstance that was thrust upon you (us). Keep going strong my brother-in-betrayal!

It really hit home was your comment about strangers caring more for your well being than your WW - I too find that amazing as I have seen the same.

Keep posting, reading and processing your feelings. I also found a BAN Support group in my area and they too have been a tremendous help!

Keep the faith!

JW;

Pulling for you brother!

You are getting there. One foot after another.

Jeepman, rather boating,

Thanks for checking in on me. One thing I have left out is Prayer. Man me knees are raw but my my Lord has truly been there in ways I can't believe. At first I felt He wasn't listening and basically felt abandoned. His mercy and peace have been leading me as well so I don't want to leave that out.

Who knows where this will all lead but I had a friend told me I had a hit western song.....cousin like a brother died in August last year, my Father in Nov., my Mother died in May, caught my wife cheating Oct. and two weeks later my best friend, my dog died. No lie this has been a long hard ride. He said all I have to do is work in my pickup in there somewhere and it's a hit. Gotta smile because I already done cried my heart and eyes dry.

One of my greatest dissapointments is my emotions. After reading my last post and my jovial mood I find the weight of memories upon my mind and emotional shoulders. Man, I wish I could fast forward a year or two and my memories of her faded as well. I just want to move onward without this over my head and heart.

No matter how fast you seem to move through the crap we have been dealt it seems some smell, snip of music or familiar site brings it all home again and your emotions deal you that blow to the guts. Will I ever really feel the hate my FWW deserves? I have actually wished her harm and being able to witness it happen, how I feel the hatred for how she has treated me. I would never harm her but somehow hoped that she was dealing with some kind of pain from throwing our lives away. She probably is happy all the day and I and her family are inconsequential. What a heartless bitch.

I know what you mean. I was mad as hell at mine after she left. I used to wish bad things for her. Wish she was unhappy, wish he would slap her around, wish he would cheat on her. So I know how you feel. You will probably never hate her. You will get angry at her, and you will hate what she says, what she does, what she's put you threw, and how she acts, but you will most likely not hate her as a person. It takes a hateful person to hate someone, and you just don't sound like the hateful type. You will just become indifferent to her. I also know what you mean about the memory triggers. I couldn't listen to, Here I Go Again by Whitesnake for years without getting sick to heart. You mentioned wondering if she's happy all day, while you and yours suffer. Who knows? Maybe she thinks she's happy now, but it won't last. I know this is all fresh for you, but you will learn to tune that noise out of your head in time. Just make sure you do it in a healthy way. Get counseling, make new friends, catch up with old ones. Don't allow yourself to wallow in it or it will consume you. I can assure you of that first hand. You will get threw this. It sucks now but it will get better. Stay strong brother.