SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

November 27, 2015

This is something I thought I would never due. 37 years of marriage with who I called my soul mate. I trusted her so much I actually gave the phone number to her of an old boyfriend of 40 years ago. She and I met after she left him. Seems he totaled a guys car for simply taking her home from work. I say this because her whole excuse is my temper.

So I gave her the number after he called my business line. She said I don’t want to talk to him and threw the number away. 5 weeks later a package comes to my house with his name and our address. What the? Opened it up and inside were vibrating balls a women inserts for pleasure. Gut churn like nothing I have ever experienced. From out of the blue.

Asked her, she confirmed they were having phone sex. Now here’s my temper part… I threw my coffee cup at the fence and then a lamp. She called police. Cop arrives I meet him out front calm and collected explain I just found out she is cheating. She chimes in, “I haven’t broken my marriage vows”.

She had been taking care of her very ill mother so I insisted she leave. I believe she was shocked. As she left I went to our safe and gave her $5000 dollars because I knew she didn’t have any money. Generous huh? … guess not enough.

Two days later I went to her mother’s and begged her to come back. We have lost a baby together, worked together for 35 years until the economy crashed our successful business we have been through hell together the last seven years alone. She agrees to work on our marriage but I will stay at my mother’s for a while.

We were to take the last storage unit of stuff from out business to an auction so she told me she wanted to help. All that day we worked together we hugged, she said you haven’t kissed me in 15 mintues more attention and touching than we had in years. I was euphoric thinking we could make this work. Meanwhile I change the locks back and she enters my office safe and removes the remaining $10000.00 dollars.

Two days later she arrives at our house to get her things, she is back with this guy AND is leaving in two days to travel to him in Phoenix. We live in central California. Two days later she disappears for four weeks. Guess those marriage vows are broken now. It was especially hard because in a past verbal fight she let me know this guy’s dick was so much bigger than mine. Really tasteless and very unlike her. So the movies are in my head.

She tells her adult sons she is with a sister in San Diego, lies to them. Doesn’t even call them to explain and doesn’t even show up for Thanks Giving. I guess balling her new guy was important. She has been quoted as saying, “He makes me so happy”. I understand that is called a fog here on the forum.

Meanwhile I am holding down the house, her five cats, four dogs and two parrots. In the last 5 years she had started tendacies for hording so I had been patient trying to “understand” and be there for her. Meanwhile my closest cousin died last August, my father in November and my mother the following May. Tough times and she was so there for me holding me tenderly while I sat with my father as he died. I say this to understand the circumstances of life have been very difficult. She stayed with her Mother a year and half because she was on hospice and I was trying to be understanding. She would come home once in a while. I wonder now about this situation.

She is filing for divorce, denies knowing anything about any cash which she even told our son she was taking. He is devastated, both are, their mother has become a cheating slut and lying and making up lies. She called police to come when she came to take more furniture and told them I was bi-polar and not taking my meds. Three cops came and then she told them that I was a talker and would wrap them around my finger “what the”. They could tell. Believe me they could tell.

The most devastating part is I think I still love her. Or at least what she use to be. I don’t know who she is now. I have read here that is universal but it’s almost impossible to believe your eyes when it is happening. I have never seen such hatred in her and she is the one who is cheating. How the hell does that work????

So it’s divorce.

My female attorney is sharp and knows her lying snake attorney, who use to be a famly friend.

I did a stupid thing and had a PI run a check on this guy she is moving in with. Three burgulary changes 2005-2006. His former wife and son even have criminal records. Seems two years ago road rage caused him to destroy a tax stand?????? She has no idea what she is in for and up until this time I would have called her a Christian woman.

I find I am actually worried about her safety and even the cop who waited two hours for her to empty our house said, “she will be back, you mark my words. When this guys start beating on her.” At first I found some solace but know that won’t happen. We are dealing with a woman of extreme pride. Very proud she was a beautiful woman but she is 60 and you can’t look like 20 when you are 60.

My world is on hold until I can get the divorce final.

The day to day grind is so hard to open my eyes and even get out of bed. Have prayed to die, hell, everyone else around me has been dying, pass a little my way just to stop the pain. Cowardly yeh so wont follow that thought.

Thanks for listening. It’s so hard to realize the world can destruct so fast.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Phone sex is absolutely cheating and if she tried to claim it wasn't she is deep in denial. If she was that worried about your temper she could have brought it up in a thousand different ways other than cheating.

You did nothing wrong by giving her the phone number. How were you to know what she would do with it?

I'm sorry you're here and had to go through all of this. I hope you have read the Healing Library and are doing all you can for yourself. Focus on your healing and what you need to do to get through this.

I hope you know that none of this is your fault and that her issues have everything to do with her not you. Sounds like she is blameshifting to make herself feel better about what she's done and all the horrible things she's doing to you.

Stay strong and do what you need to do for you.

Please look at the left hand side of this page and head to the Healing Library and read.

You did nothing to deserve this terrible betrayal. Please protect yourself. Get tested for STD's full panel. I know that is hard but you have to protect your health.

Please seek counseling. Make sure you eat, drink water and exercise. One day at a time. It will take all you strength to being the road to heal. Don't put pressure on yourself.

So sorry for all the losses that you have endured.

Listen to your attorney. Please make sure if you have any direct contact with your WW, have a VAR (voice activated recorded) on hand to record any conversations.

Sending you strength and peace.

JWB,

My heart breaks reading your story, hearing how your wife broke your heart, then manipulated you, her family, law enforcement, etc... To get her craven needs met.

Be strong and don't lose sight of what is right.

Hi JWB2.

Sorry you are going through this living HELL.

From what you have written I think it safe to surmise that the OM is putting words in your WW mouth. And since he is a criminal type, I'm sure your WW invested the the $15,000 in OM. I would report and record the $15,000 your wife took.

Others will come with advise that have been-there-done-that.

I would start off reading the 180 that you will find in the healing library. It will help you to detach from your WW so you are better able to cope with the sh** sandwich your WW left for you on the kitchen counter.

Good luck!

I hate your having to go threw this after so many years of marriage. I also agree with the others none of this is your fault, it's all on her. I also believe she has been with this guy a great deal longer than 5 weeks. He has to big of a hold on her. She is displaying his deviant behavior. She is now up to theft and adultery, not to mention lying. She was probably communicating with this guy while staying at her mothers that 18 months. I also think him calling you and sending her the sex toys, knowing you would probably see the package, was designed to force her hand to leave. She needed that last push, and him calling you, and the package, did the trick. Because after you asked her to leave for that few day's she was ALL IN. The reason I speak of this, is I'm afraid he is going to get her to clean you out. Never be alone around her ever again, buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you. I think the reason she keeps calling the cops is to try to establish you are abusive. They come over, call the cops and say you hit her, you go to jail, and they clean you out. Plus she will probably go for everything in the divorce. It is a bad situation for sure. This guy most likely just sees her as an easy mark, after he gets all the money out of her he can, he'll kick her but to the curb. I'm sorry you find yourself in the middle of this. Just protect yourself and stay safe. This new guy is shady and she seems to have went bad with him. Stay strong, we are here for you.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 3:30 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]

JWB2,

I'm so sorry you are here. I teared up reading your post. You've been through hell, man!

You do not love this woman. You love the woman you married. That was one of the hardest things for me. (still is at times) I wanted to believe that deep down inside, he wasn't the heartless, soulless POS ripping my heart out of my chest and stomping on it.

Right now, you just need to take care of yourself. I know it feels as if you won't survive this. So many emotions are coursing through you. It's like a roller coaster ride you didn't want to get on. Please listen to me carefully. You WILL survive. I'm not going to lie. It isn't going to be easy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll finally push through to the other side. Keep posting here. We'll help you along the way.

How do you deal with fog and the hatred. I can't believe what comes from her mouth. I should be the one so spiteful but instead she, the betrayer, is so incredible hateful.

Sorry your here mate.

I guess on whatever level it boils down to one word GUILT she knows what she's done is wrong.

JWB,

She is just like my ex was, well still is.

Your lucky she is out of the house. mine stayed till the bitter end. what a nite mare.

Did you tell your lawyer about her returning and taking things when she feels like it? And on top of it the cops letting her do it? Those things are just as much by law as yours.

Have your lawyer go to court, file a junction to no more items can be taken from the home. It will take him tomorrow morning to get this done. You go an pick it up.

The money, that is gone, nothing you can do. Marital property.

Sorry I could not tell you sooner. Your wife that you dated and married is gone. This person is a stranger, and you never trust strangers.

Never, never and never trust her again, no matter what!!!!!

Thing is, you can not change the locks on the doors, you can't kick her out. she can come back to her house also. But with her and this guy, I would change the locks with good inside keyed deadbolts, not thumbturns, for your own safety in the middle of the night, or when your at work.

You need the lawyer for this also.

How long to the D is final?

Don't even worry what is going on with her or what she is doing or what will happen to her. She is a big girl. she is no longer your concern.

You are the one you should be concerned about. Protect yourself. Financials, credit cards, anything in her name she can take and use.

You also need to see an IC to talk about this stuff and get it off your chest.

Three burglary changes 2005-2006. His former wife and son even have criminal records. Seems two years ago road rage caused him to destroy a tax stand?????? She has no idea what she is in for and up until this time I would have called her a Christian woman.

She likes the new excitement.

You can still love her ,just say far away from here and get your lawyer to move faster on protecting you and the house.

How do you deal with fog and the hatred. I can't believe what comes from her mouth. I should be the one so spiteful but instead she, the betrayer, is so incredible hateful.

It is beyond our comprehension. I specifically remember the resentment and hatred that my WW held towards me. It literally kept me on my heels...backpedaling...because I was taken so off guard by her behavior. I never imagined that I could be hated so much by my partner in life. So much venom.

For whatever reason(s), your wife is not who she used to be. Whether it is temporary, or permanent, you still need to treat it the same way---like you are right now. Let everything that is possible go through your attorney. Until your wife shows some signs of normalcy, then I would suggest that the least contact is by far the best route. You may feel helpless and powerless, but that is going to subside as time goes by.

It appears that she is absolutely mesmerized by this POS. I am sure that there is very little that she would not currently do for this guy. Make sure that your assets, with your lawyer's consent, is locked down tight....because she is going to run through that 15k like it was water---and will want more. Lots more.

This sucks, but it does get better. As you come to grips with the fact that this was beyond your control, the hurt will be less and less. It takes time to process and recover from infidelity, and unfortunately, you are in the early stages.

Welcome to SI. Post often---it really does help.

Your WW sure knows how to pick 'em. I can just about guarantee your WW told him about the safe and he put her up to clean out the safe.

Three burgulary changes 2005-2006. His former wife and son even have criminal records. Seems two years ago road rage caused him to destroy a tax stand??????

I don't think I would go ANYWHERE without a VAR in my pocket. She left the house? I would change the locks and if you don't already have it, have surveillance installed... if you can afford it. Tell your lawyer everything!

Sure... your lifestyle is fixing to change... but ANYTHING has GOT to be better than what your WW chose for her new life.. They ALWAYS affair down.

Thank you for your comments.

I couldn't have written a better suspense story. I have never faced something like this so your words are comforting.

I knew this guy was bad news from what she shared with me when we met. She warned me to watch out for him for they had only broken up 4 or 5 months before. I love the chance to go toe to toe with this POS, even if I lost because I would be walking away with his Big **ck in my hand.

The question still hangs in my mind is how does this happen, the sudden change and animosity. I have never in 37 years seen her act like this... it is litterally unreal to see and experience. Is there a cheater's drug everone takes????

I was with my ex for 25 years. She turned over night.

She turned on our kids, told them that she never loved them, that this was not the life she wanted. She went on to say, i can see why my father left us when we were kids.

Something just turned inside her. Hate and more hate, as if I mistreated her all these years ans she just bottled it all up and, BLAM!! she was no longer the person I knew and married.

Too this day her whole family has told her to leave them, and she has.

Her and her OM treat each other like crap, she drinks, and they both cheat on each other. they have no where else to go/live, so they endure their own misery together.

I have not talked to her, let alone seen her since 2004.

She is a very bitter women these days!!

There is no trying to figure out, WHY! you can't.

just have to walk away and maybe one day before they die they might ask them selves, "What did I do"? and maybe they will be like this to the day they die.

I am so glad she is gone and out of my life, she brought me down and my son.(She walked away from her first born and her only son.

Can't figure out why a mother would do that. but her father did this to her and her brothers, so she followed in dads foot prints?

I just tell my son, it had nothing to do with him, mom really needs serious professional help, but she believes there is nothing wrong with her.

You truly cannot help someone when they say they don not need any help.

I'm dealing with the same anger with my WH and am just as baffled. Who knows what's causing it. Temporary insanity maybe? We are trying to R and it obviously isn't going well due to his animosity towards me. My theory is that in order for them to do what they have done to us they have literally talked themselves into believing we are bad people, bad for them, bad spouses, bad bad bad. It's the only way they can sleep at night. How do you deal with someone who has actually brainwashed themselves? One day at a time. Stay strong. Maybe look into anti-depressants. And find new reasons to LIVE!! Hugs to you.

I'm dealing with the same anger with my WH and am just as baffled. Who knows what's causing it. Temporary insanity maybe? We are trying to R and it obviously isn't going well due to his animosity towards me. My theory is that in order for them to do what they have done to us they have literally talked themselves into believing we are bad people, bad for them, bad spouses, bad bad bad. It's the only way they can sleep at night. How do you deal with someone who has actually brainwashed themselves? One day at a time. Stay strong. Maybe look into anti-depressants. And find new reasons to LIVE!! Hugs to you.

Brother, your not broken !!!!!!! Just a bit damaged right now due to your WW's selfish behaviors. You can and will fix yourself and believe it or not come out of this a better, stronger man. Its a good thing retaining the attorney, she is your one light in this whole mess. Listen to her advice and whatever you do stop standing there being an idle target for your WW's rage. If you haven't noticed, the one common factor here is that you've been only REACTIVE to your WW's outbursts. What you need to do is start being PROACTIVE in your healing and that means fighting back with all you have. Lets asses your situation for a minute. Your WS is involved in an extra marital A, she has stolen 15K and has taken off to shack up with the POS OM. She has already begun to create a legal trail of DV where your the perp. Seems to me she is not only cheating on you but also is going to try and stick it to you again most likely in the form of a false DV charge, she has tried once and will do it again. What's happening is when the cop show up they are going to see that previous calls were made to them regarding DV reports, sooner or later one of them is going to believe her and you'll wind up in jail. Trust I spent three days in a NYC jail myself and my XW was/is just like yours. You need to begin a campaign to protect yourself. Cut off the financial tit, do not support her A in any way. Don't allow one dime more of your money to go to her and the OM. If you have any assets left I suggest you stash it away where she cant get her hands on it. Close any and all credit card accounts because she is going to run those up quickly and your going to be on the hook, so close them ASAP. Open up accounts in your name only and protect your financial self. I also suggest you look for a therapist who specializes in adultery and codependence. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. Don't be afraid to shop around for one until you find a good fit. Try and anticipate and counter your WW's next move, create a plan to protect yourself and stick to it. There's a ton more to do but we will stop here for now. Don't get overwhelmed and do things one at a time. Just get started in protecting yourself from her.

The question still hangs in my mind is how does this happen, the sudden change and animosity. I have never in 37 years seen her act like this... it is litterally unreal to see and experience. Is there a cheater's drug everone takes????

You would think so. Some of the true-life stories from many of the members here border the surreal.

You wouldn't think that a mother could harm her children, yet you have seen those made-for-tv true stories of mothers doing just that...all for some piece of shit loser. It just blows your mind.

But right now, you have to continue the survival mode. Protect YOURSELF and your assets. Get a small voice actuated recorder, and keep it on yourself at all times. I can't stress how important this is...no matter how outlandish it may currently seem. Like you have stated before, you have no idea who this woman is now, but if there is one thing for sure, she is not a friend. Quite the opposite.