SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So almost a week ago I discovered messages that were evidence of my husband having an affair. I confronted him and he had to admit it because of what I had found. The day before I found out we had been for our 12 week baby scan and I was on top of the world. It's mad to think how 24 hours later my whole world came crashing down. We also have a toddler. He has been living with his parents all week and initially kept just saying sorry but now he is being really cold and formal and only messaging me regarding seeing our toddler. I have been off work this week and am off next week too as I am really struggling and I am constantly crying. He hasn't told his parents the full truth and I think he has really minimised what has happened I first found messages between him and this women last summer but he convinced me it was just flirty banter amd promised to cut all contact with her yet here we are. He said this affair started at Christmas but I don't believe it. I am just devastated, feel worthless and hopeless and terrified for the future especially as I am pregnant.

Oh my gosh I am so sorry for you. What should be the happiest time in your life has become a nightmare.

Plus having toddler and being pregnant and alone - I don’t know how you manage.

Suggestion: speak with your doctor(s) and make sure your baby is thriving. You may not feel like eating but you must for the health of you & baby.

Suggestion: maybe find a professional counselor who can help you navigate all this.

Suggestion: get yourself a support team - family & friends and neighbors who can help you.

Do not be afraid to ask for help! People will want to be there for you and please accept the support.

There is a Healing Library here at SI that can help you find books, articles and an I Can Relate forum. Maybe look for posts with people who are in similar circumstances (cheating & pregnant betrayed spouse).

Regarding your CH (cheating husband). Please let his parents know in a matter of fact way (w/out emotion or getting too deep) that your H has been cheating, promised to end it and did not and had continued to cheat. Those are the facts and they deserve to know it. Whether they coddle him or let him have a piece of their mind, they need to know the facts. Period.

Your CH is acting like a typical cheater. Sorry to say. All of a sudden he won’t speak to you? Abandons his family while you are pregnant?

Shows who and what he really is.

You may need to file for child support ASAP if he’s not financially supporting you. If the OW is pregnant and files first, she gets the larger % of child support. You may want to speak to attorney to learn what your rights are — doesn’t mean you will D or you plan to D — but you need to know what you can or should do at every stage of this ordeal.

I am so sorry for you. Affairs are terrible traumas but what your H has done is far worse than that. I am hoping you can have an honest discussion with him and he comes to his senses.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. A couple of things I want you to know.

This is not your fault. Absolutely not. You need to know that. There is never an excuse or reason for infidelity. None. Never. Ever. So don't even let him try to guilt you or convince you that this is somehow your fault. It's not the marriage's fault either. This is a "him" problem and there's something broken inside that allowed him to cheat on you during such a special and vulnerable time. There's also no excuse or reason for his shitty attitude either. He should be willing to crawl through broken glass for you if there's any hope of reconciliation.

This isn't something that a person just gets over in a few weeks. Or a few months. It's more like a few years. 2 to 5 years on average for a person to recover from infidelity. And if reconciliation is possible that can be a lifetime work in progress. So don't beat yourself up or take any crap from him if this takes longer than either of you want or expect. It always takes longer than a person expects. So many people underestimate just how damaging and destructive betrayal trauma is. Myself included until it was thrust into my lap. Infidelity is real trauma and PTSD symptoms are common. You may want to look into seeing a trauma informed therapist.

I don't know what the future holds for you, but you will recover from this. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will. The1stWife gave you some solid advice. I too, think you should talk to a lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row. Just remember filing for a divorce isn't the same as finalizing a divorce. The process takes time and you can pause or stop it at any time if you decide to reconcile and he comes around. The sooner you take action, the better off you'll be should it come to the worst. You need to be prepared, and you'll be armed with knowledge, and knowledge is power. Take your agency back.

Others with more experience will be along with more advice, just know it's a little bit slower on the weekends here, but it's not dead. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you, but there's a good group of folks here who understand what you're going through. You're not alone. You're being heard. We're here for you. Keep posting, ask questions, or just use us to vent if you need it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:05 AM, Saturday, March 7th]

That's a low blow, you will find here a place to share and being heard because what you are going through is hard.

You and your baby come first, this is what you need to protect, emotionally and physically.
Obviously check for STD and above all IC can help you, this kind of trauma while pregnant is bad.

Read here how to do the 180, this is not your fault, and you are the prize.

You husband messed up royally, right now he should be the last of your problem because what it is of the utmost importance is your mind, heart, body and those of the baby you carry.

You are not worthless. Worthless is a person who abandons their closest one in their most vulnerable (And what should be joyful) moment to chase a dopamine rush to soothe their low self worth.

You are the prize girl, not the worthless one.
I know you cannot see right now because we know the pain you are going through, but it is like that.

You have been heard and you will be heard.

So sorry you are here. I don’t typically comment on post but I felt the need to.
My WS had a one night stand the night we found out the sex of our 2nd child. I found proof, confronted him, he admitted it and my life came crushing down. I was devastated on top of hormonal from pregnancy. I struggled to eat and sleep. I decided to shelve the affair because I struggled so much and wanted to put my health and unborn baby health first. After baby was born, healthy! We started R, I felt that was my only choice as a new mom, with a toddler as well and no job. 10 years later, I’m back on this site with another affair. And I think, if only I was stronger the first time, wiser, smarter to walk away when my kids were little and I was younger. Maybe it wouldn’t have affected them as much as now they are in middle school. And I wouldn’t be going through all this pain of betrayal all over again. This time around, I’m angry and disappointed in myself, shame on me. Sorry went about my story. Please take care of yourself, unborn baby and toddler. Take your time to take care of your heart and mind. You will be sure to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. For me, now 10 years later hit with another affair, I do wish I would’ve left him, with my babies before they fully understood what was going on.
Regardless of what you choose to do in the future in your marriage, make yourself the priority right now. Feel and learn.

Thank you for your replies. I have been for an STD check and awaiting the results. I have also been referred for mental health support. I am just disgusted he has put me through this but also still very much in love with him and miss him. I don't see how I can take him back as I have been extremely anxious since last summer when I found the initial messages and was so desperate to believe him then but to now find out he was lying again has absolutely destroyed me as he truly had been gaslighting me into thinking it was all in my head. My self esteem since last year has also plummeted as I have been comparing myself to her. My family and friends have been amazing and so supportive. At the moment I can't face seeking legal support even though I know I need to. I'm also scared he is going to ask to come back to the house. But at the moment I am just trying to get through each day.

It's hard, and it sucks, but you need to make sure you take care of yourself and your children.

Seeking legal advice is not a permanent or undoable action, and many lawyers will offer a free first consultation. I'm not, nor is anyone else telling you divorce is the only path. Many of us have reconciled, and done so successfully, so it's possible. A lot depends on how your WH (wayward husband) carries himself going forward. Some spouses start off badly, but snap out of it and come around. Right now from what you've typed so far, your husband isn't a safe partner - yet. The other part of the equation is of course you, and whether or not you can live with this and stay with him.

You don't have to decide whether or not to divorce or reconcile right away. Take some time and heal. Take some time and figure out which path is best for you. We suggest legal counsel right away more for informational purposes than as a permanent solution so you know what's possible and what you'd be looking at in case things don't work out. It will also send him a message that you're not messing around. You're not going to tolerate living in infidelity.

That needs to be your goal. To get out of living with infidelity. There are multiple paths toward achieving that, and divorce is only one of them. Reconciliation is another. Right now it's too early to tell which way this is going to go. So you don't have to make a decision right now, but it won't hurt for you to know what divorce and support might look like.

Whatever you do, don't sweep this under the rug, and don't do the "pick me" dance. That almost never works. You need to draw a line in the sand and let him know you're not going to be a doormat.

You can get through this.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a husband and I'd like to cuff your husband upside the head right now. A man can't go much lower than to do what he's done to you at the time he's done it. That doesn't mean he's irredeemable, but he's going to have to jump through some hoops and prove himself because you deserve that. Storm is right, you're the prize here. A prize he's currently undeserving of, and we want you to realize that.

My self esteem since last year has also plummeted as I have been comparing myself to her.

I recommend reading the Honey,They Always Affair Down thread to help with that. (A few threads below. Useful reading, like the others with target icons in the margin, some on 2nd page of the Just Found Out forum).

What you need from him is a full confession and timeline. When, where, who, how long, and how far it went. How much detail as far as what all they got up to is up to you. Some people need all of the dirty details, and some only want to hear the basics.

As far as "why" goes, he's likely not going to have an answer that goes beyond blaming outside influences such as the state of the marriage, or some other form of blaming you or circumstances. This is very typical and common. So much so that we often talk about a mythical "cheaters handbook" that doesn't really exist, but the responses are so common as to be almost predictable.

Any reasons he gives that blame anything but himself and his selfish entitlement can only be a good reasons to have opened up and had an honest talk. There isn't a single issue that is solved or fixed by bringing a third party into your marriage. He should have turned to you and your marriage instead of someone else if he's having some sort of issues that have been bothering him. It takes time, digging, and lots of personal introspection for a WS (wayward spouse) to truly get to the root of their "why."

I'm not saying you had or have problems with your marriage, but those are the types of excuses we often see. Blame shifting is one of the first go-to moves for a cheater. Rare are the ones who come completely clean and take accountability right off the bat. It's also rare to get the full truth right off the bat. Brace yourself for TT (trickle truth) or more revelations down the line.

Another thing you need is for him to draft a NC (no contact) letter or message to his AP (affair partner). Preferably with your input and your approval upon reading it. Not some wishy-washy simple "I'm going to try and work on my marriage" message. More along the lines of:

[Affair Partner's Name],

I need to be clear about my feelings and the situation. I’ve made unwise choices, and the truth is that I love [Your Name]. My marriage means everything to me and is my top priority.

Therefore, I must end all communication with you. I cannot see or talk to you again. This is non-negotiable, and I will be blocking your number and social media. This will be the last time you hear from me as I need to get my priorities straight.

[His Name]

Or something similar. It needs to be definitive and final. Don't let him leave the door open for possible future communications.

Then he needs to follow through. No contact means NO CONTACT. He blocks her number and any social media profiles and goes completely no contact with her, never to speak to or see her again. If they work together this might include him finding another job. That might sound extreme, but what he did was extreme and you need to feel safe if there's any chance of R (reconciliation).

You should also have unfettered access to all of his electronic devices. Passwords, apps, etc. I know that sounds invasive, but he brought this on himself and you deserve some boundaries. This isn't about control. These are the conditions you want to require if he wants to R with you. He's a grown adult and can do what he wants, but if that involves infidelity and not making you feel safe, then he can be a big boy and have his cake, but not as your husband. This is you setting conditions and parameters for R. He can choose to agree, or he can show himself out the door. These are the consequences of his actions.

These suggestions are under the pretense that you even want to attempt R. If you decide to D (divorce) then it doesn't really matter what he does.

Stay strong, stick to your guns, and take your time making any permanent decisions. He can still do the above while you decide as a show of good faith, with the understanding it still might not be enough and you may still decide you can't do it. You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Just know that's completely normal. Most of us have been on that ride, or are still currently on it. It sucks, but it's an unavoidable part of dealing with this trauma.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:08 PM, Sunday, March 8th]

Smokey15.

I really feel for you. It’s hard enough to weather the infidelity trauma but adding bring pregnant, hormonal and have a very young child in addition to being pregnant adds more stress to your situation.

Your H didn’t cheat on you b/c you weren’t good enough. He cheated on you despite the fact you were a good wife and partner.

I recognized (too late) that I always put my H first. He worked and traveled for most of his corporate career and I made it very easy for him. Even his friends were envious of his life.

I figured out why my H cheated. Last one was a typical midlife crisis affair. Much younger OW (other woman). Textbook case. And yes he was planning to D me for her as well.

I think if you can get past the fact that he is just your common ordinary cheater — he’s nothing special — it could help to ease your anxiety and self doubt.

Now regarding him returning home. Consider you need his help at this time. Doesn’t mean you are reconciled or taking him back or acting as his wife. You can only do this IF you are strong enough to live with him but not go back to life before the affairs. You are not his wife right now.

You are merely establishing a living and co-parenting relationship UNTIL YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO.

He sleeps in another room (sofa, basement whatever) but not with you.

He has an opportunity to prove he’s worth reconciling with — but it will take time. And it won’t be until after you have given birth. You need time to decide BUT are doing what is best for your family.

Read up on the 180. That means you don’t have to cook for him or do his laundry. He has to pitch in around the home and help with childcare.

This gives you time to get your finances in shape. Start putting $ into an account he has no access to. I would suggest opening credit cards in your own name and canceling any joint accounts you have.

Make it clear if you find out he’s lying and cheating, he will be asked to leave. And he needs to know that there are no promises being made.

Now he may decide that this "arrangement" is too much for him. He may not want to have to work very hard for years to R. I know you will be further devastated but it’s better you know now than put in 10 more years and find out he’s been cheating again.

I’d really like to give your H a punch in the nose!

Thank you so much for all your replies and advice. I have been reading the articles recommended and they are so helpful! I saw his mum today and didn't tell her everything but definitely opened her eyes to things he had omitted. I also saw him and he was again so horrible and cold towards me 😞 where yesterday when I saw him he was trying to hug me and kept saying sorry. I'm so confused by his actions and don't even know what I want from him but I keep flitting between upset and anger. Obviously pregnancy hormones won't be helping either!

Smokey,

I am so sorry you had to find us. As the others said, focus on you and your kids. Please bring a friend to the lawyers (or three ) with you. Not to file for D - but to understand the legal implications and what D might look like. You have to secure you and your kids futures. Knowledge is power, and it will help with the anxiety and fear of the unknown.

it’s too early to know if he will be a good R candidate, but so far it’s not looking good. LTA (long term affairs) seem harder for the WS to get over. (Mine had an 18 month affair).

Is the AP (affair partner) married? If so, tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). They deserve agency as well.

So glad you are getting mental health support and IRL support.

Again, please put you and your kids first. ANd hang in there. You will make it through this.

Wish I lived in New Orleans. I would get a voodoo doll that looks kinda like him and stick pins in it. Sadly all I can do is hate him for doing this to you.
Could he be using the narcissistic ploy of love bombing, demoting, dismissing, disdaining, disrespecting, then discarding? Seems awfully weird he did this when you are pregnant. Lots of narcissists do not want to be responsible for a child for 18 years. They usually emotionally burn down the "house" with the family in it.
Don’t know if this is him but do not be surprised if it is.

Thank you so much for all your replies and advice. I have been reading the articles recommended and they are so helpful! I saw his mum today and didn't tell her everything but definitely opened her eyes to things he had omitted. I also saw him and he was again so horrible and cold towards me 😞 where yesterday when I saw him he was trying to hug me and kept saying sorry. I'm so confused by his actions and don't even know what I want from him but I keep flitting between upset and anger. Obviously pregnancy hormones won't be helping either!

So unless those borderline cases where there is prominent Dark Triad, very likely this is what is going on:

The person is not a monster, is flawed, he may love you but suffers from low self-worth, people pleasing, and unresolved issues or childhood traumas.

Feeling remorse for seeing you hurt, might push him to apologize, that's the shadow of guilt, but he is not there yet....

Becuase what blocks the guilt is the shame.

Shame is selfish (I am so unworthy, look what I have done! I am bad, I do not deserve her..... me-me-me... poor me [not poor you!])

Guilt is empathy.

Before guilt he must own the shit he did, and that takes a good harsh look at the mirror.

So when shame triggers, remorse disappear and he will go cold. Then hot. Then cold. Especially if he is avoidant.

This is why you must protect yourself: he is very flawed, capable of betraying the closest person he has: You.

That alone tells the story of why you must "give zero fucks" for him, and protect yourself.
Because he is spiralling into self sabotage and you are the casualty of war.

DO NOT rely on Him.

Rely on yourself, healing, provide the 180, is the only shock that could make him pause and realize what he destroyed.

Then if he is coming back crawling over broken glass, maybe you can consider if you want to take some time to see if he put the work to resolve his core issues.
Then, and only then, if:
- He stops any betrayal immediately and irrevocably
- He starts putting the work
- You feel safe enough to wait (or want to wait)
- He puts in the work and start to own his fuckup
- You can survive the rollercoaster of his healing
- You can heal yourself

- And last but not least: if after all of it you still feel something for him, and want to give him a chance....

Then you may consider a try to R.

In this moment you are oceans away from that.
Protect yourself is where you have agency now.

Protect you and your unborn child girl. The rest will come, with clarity

Thank you. It really helps reading all your replies as it kind of helps me make sense of the way he is acting. I've just seen him again when he brought our child home and again he was so cold and distant, not showing an ounce of remorse. It's so painful to see and feel after 16 years together growing a life and family together.

No one wants to be here. No one wants to experience this, and for that I'm truly sorry he's putting you through this.

Make no mistake HE is the one that is hurting you with his actions. You are especially vunerable right now, as a mother. The way you feel right now is your "wife" feelings that have been damaged beyond imagination. Your self esteem, trust and your entire life feel like they are in the balance of the decisions weighing on you, on top of baking a human being inside you. This is a lot to process and unpack all at once.

You need to be able to clear the air with his parents. You don't need them to pick sides, but you don't need to protect your WS for their sake. He made this mess, let him sit in the uncomfortable part of it that is accountability.

Only you can decide if you believe he is sorry, will change, or that your marriage is worth the risk. Know without a doubt that many have traveled this path and for many it's the first of a long line of future affairs. If you asked those people if they thought they could save their marriage when it happened, and that their marriage survived, it would be both ends of the spectrum.

Some have affairs once, marriages survive though intensive work, building trust and days, weeks, months or years of hard work and do eventually thrive again, but the damage is always in the background. An arguement or hurt brings that to the surface so it's never really gone.

Unfortunately a large amount of us here, end up here more than once. Our WS does it again, whether it's 2 times, or dozens of times. Often we don't put it together for years, and then it blindsides us again. By that time we've wasted precious years believing in a fantasy that they'd never hurt us again.

Right now your priority needs to be yourself, baby, toddler and not ruminating and being in constant fear of the future. Take all the time you need. This is important that you remember who is important in this situation. The lessons you learn now will impact your new baby and your toddler, so weigh out your future life if you stay.

Will he be the father that your children need? Will he be someone you and they are proud of. Will he take full accountability for his actions and do everything necessary to have a healthy relationship, or will he try to sweep this under the rug and let you suffer through it? All important things to consider. How he acts now in this uncomfortable space will give you answers.

His only concern right now should be you and your children. You did nothing wrong. You aren't worthless. Nothing you did could cause him to do what he did. Don't give him that power in your head. Infidelity has ZERO to do with the victim, and 100% to do with the one cheating. It speaks volumes as to how they respect their spouse and themselves. They risk it all for some instant ego boost and validation.

They aren't sorry when it's happening, but they are when they get caught. That isn't accountability, that's victim shaming and flipping the script. They often leave out details, don't fully confess, and continue to skirt the truth. Until you know the full truth, absolute transparancy you can't weigh your options and make any informed decisions. The only way to the other side is through every bit of the hurt. I highy recommend counciling. It will help give you healthy ways to process when you want to shut down completely. Couples counciling is best but often they won't go.

Right now you're filled with pregnancy hormones, have a toddler and your WS is not really suffering. He's at his parents, and probably sold them a half truth story, because he knows what he did. I can't tell you what path is best for you, but choose wisely. No one wants to be on this forum a second time, wishing they'd made different choices.

Even though what he has done is despicable he does have a right to come back home if he wants to but you are under no obligation to treat him as your husband. Ignore him unless there is a conversation that needs to be had about the baby the toddler or the house. Beyond that just ignore him.

I second the recommendation to have a consultation with a divorce attorney. Then you will better understand where you stand legally financially Etc

Not uncommon for the WS to use anger or to ignore the BS as a means of manipulation. It's shitty. The best response is to ignore him/her.

I cannot imagine how you feel emotionally having a toddler and being pregnant and finding out. But you have found an amazing place for support and advice

I wanted to chime in on why he’s cold towards you.

This may sound a little difficult to understand, but in essence, you are the "mean mommy" in this scenario. By that I mean, you are standing in the way of his "happiness" because he cannot be with the other woman.

Basically, he is acting like a spoiled child who cannot or did not get his own way. The only person he can take it out on is you because he refuses to accept any responsibility for the situation that he is in (at least right now).

My husband treated me horribly during his affair. He blamed me for everything even including his unhappiness with things that had nothing to do with me

Unfortunately, this is typical cheater behavior.

And I think other posters have given you some really good advice, including getting a consultation with a divorce attorney just to know how things work in your state.

Read the 180. My fwh was a real turd like yours. I took his plaything away and he was a petulant cold brat. I read the 180 and realized I had to distance myself and appear strong (trust me, it’s very hard but it is an immense help).
Don’t talk to him about anything but children and finances.
Don’t ask him anything about his life.
Don’t tell him what you do when he’s got your toddler.
Don’t ask him to go to the ob/gyn appointments.
Have a far away smile, like you know something he doesn’t know, when you see him. If he asks tell him nothing.
The 180 is designed to get you out of infidelity. Either reconciliation or divorce. The 180 will help you gain the strength to fight for you.

Does the OW have a spouse or boyfriend? If so, let them know.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Smokey

I’m going to put a different twist on 1stWife "mean mommy" scenario.

I am a strong believer in the quote I have in my tagline. I’m not so simple as to think we can decide to be happy and automatically become happy. But replace "happy" with just-about any other term for "being in a better place". THAT I believe in. That if we are in a bad spot we can generally find some way of moving to a less-bad spot, and from there to a better spot, and better, and better.
We have options – even if that option is to settle for what we already have – but we have options.

Right now, it sounds a bit like you and husband are in limbo. Maybe even in some emotional chicken to see who blinks first.

I’m going to encourage you to impact what you can impact, and change what you can change. My suggestion would be the following:

Seeing as how he – a grown man – has run to mommy and daddy I would involve them.
I would tell your husband something like: You can go be with OW, date OW, move in with OW, have sex with OW, spend time with OW... whatever. But not as my husband. I’m not waiting for you to decide what you can and can’t do. I’m getting out of infidelity with or without you. I am starting that journey. If you want this marriage then you need to let me know, as well as accept some conditions to make me believe this is what you want. If she’s your "soulmate" and so great – then believe me we are BOTH better off with this marriage being over. I’m fine with that, because it certainly beats what you are offering me right now.

Then start researching what you need to do to separate your lives. A formal divorce.
It’s a process and takes time. Its not as if you simply sign a form and it happens. It can be stopped at any time in the process.
What this does is it moves you from the bad place you are in right now to a slightly better place. It forces the issue: does he want to work on the marriage or does he want the OW.

Seeing as he didn’t move in with her... (any chance she’s married?) then I’m guessing he isn’t that committed to that relationship.

I would also not hesitate in the least to let his parents know why he moved out.
There is no need to go into marital issues, like "he says you never appreciated him" or "he never did the dishes". Those are simply excuses at worst, typical marital issues at best. What you do is simply tell them "the reason your son moved out and the reason I’m starting the process of divorce is because he is having an affair with Sue Smith (have her name) and he isn’t willing to end the affair and commit to the marriage"