SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm pursuing divorce. STBXWW has moved out, and the last time we were intimate was back in October of 25. I'm doing fine, honestly. She's struggling mightily as has I always suspected she would. I think I'm getting played for a fool because she keeps asking for more and more money and I just keep giving it to her. I feel badly for her and sincerely, despite everything that happened between us, I want to see her be ok. But I guess in some way that has kept doors open. She doesn't have a washer and dryer and only lives a few miles from me, so she keeps coming to my house to do laundry. This was only supposed to be temporary, but I'm now believing maybe she's not getting a washer and dryer so she continues to have a reason to be over here. Or maybe she really is just that broke and I should just put a stop to it by buying her a cheap washer and dryer. IDK. I still listen to all her problems and just try to be a listening ear when she reaches out. I don't really know how to stop doing that or just not care. I've been with her since I was 16 years old (25 years). We still have kids together and so there's still things I want for her like her car running properly and being safe and reliable for our kids. So I'm finding it impossible to really "sever" the relationship to her in the way I remember my parents doing it when I was a kid. It seems like to my memory, my parents kinda went their own way for years. My dad would deliver child support checks when he came to pick us up and that was about it. There were no cell phones then, and I don't remember either parent ever calling the other. But for some reason, I can't seem to detach quite as effectively.

So a few nights ago she came by the house and I had had a few drinks with a buddy of mine and gotten home and went to bed. I guess I was still buzzing a little bit and in the middle of the night she was knocking on my bedroom door. One thing led to another, and it was just so natural and familiar that I wound up being intimate with her (and then immediately in the morning thinking, "wtf did you just do, now you need STD testing again and all that can of worms is opened back up"). Well, I've got a couple of women I'm talking to and trying to be very transparent with that I'm just in the friendship stage and not willing to be "committed" to anyone. But one woman that I'm closer to than the rest, I felt I had no choice but to keep my integrity and tell her exactly what happened. She deserves to know and make her decisions as to how close she lets herself be to me with the entire truth. That was a hard conversation. Apparently she had grown A LOT more attached to me than I realized (and I knew she was falling for me and was scared of that anyway), but now because of a decision I did not plan at all I've lost her. Which is reasonable and seems preferable to pretending it never happened and having that skeleton in my closet if things progressed. But the new woman has been very explicit in making it clear that I'm being played by my ex and I'm an idiot who can't let her go. She is divorced and was a BW who, once she knew her husband was cheating, she cut ties and apparently never looked back. My thought is that maybe my entire structure is just dysfunctional with my ex still coming over at all hours of the night doing her laundry or whatever, but I honestly didn't go out with her or go seeking her in any way. Shit just happens sometimes I guess. I do not feel like I'm a cheater now at all because I'd been so explicit that I was still in the status of dating other women and getting to know people and my commitment was that I'd be transparent if I'm romantic or intimate with other people. My commitment was never that I'd avoid relationships with others. But I guess I'm kind of trying to gauge is, amongst people who've been through divorce, how unusual and screwed up am I? This whole thing is just a mess that doesn't seem to fit in clean well defined boxes to me.

My thought is that maybe my entire structure is just dysfunctional with my ex still coming over at all hours of the night doing her laundry or whatever, but I honestly didn't go out with her or go seeking her in any way.

Buy her the damn washer and dryer if you have to, but get her out of your life.. Outside of kids there is no reason to be involved with your ex at all. Change the locks. Don't answer the door. Move on with your life and don't allow her to keep reeling you back in. She chose this path. She gets the consequences.

But the new woman has been very explicit in making it clear that I'm being played by my ex and I'm an idiot who can't let her go.

She's right. You're participation is supporting your STBX is keeping your bond to her on life support. That serves no one by your stbx. It's a good bet that if you hadn't done that, you may have been less hesitant to form bonds with the new woman.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:16 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

Where were your kids that she was at your house in the middle of the night after you were out drinking?

Marine, this sounds a bit like what I was doing until a month ago, minus the sex (there hasn't been any of that for a long time). I would stay over for a day when dropping off our kid with STBXWS and do my laundry. We didn't have super deep conversations, but we did talk. I put an end to all of that when he informed us that he'd started dating again, and it was tough for a couple weeks because I had to let go that last whiff of hopium. There was grief, but it's for the best.

I do my laundry at a laundromat now. Your STBX can certainly do the same, it won't hurt her.

What is your custody agreement like? Where are you in the divorce process? Have you both agreed that you're keeping the house? If so, she really shouldn't be letting herself in and out, especially if you're seeing other people. Kids can be dropped off and picked up at the door without going inside (or they can let themselves in/out if they're old enough).

Unfortunately, you're the one that has to enforce the boundaries between you two. It's part of the Supreme Unfairness Package that comes with being a BS. She's always going to have incentive to push those boundaries.

Shit just happens sometimes I guess

You aren’t a cheater, but this cheater speak. You didn’t slip on a banana peel and your penis fell inside your ex. You didn’t set up boundaries, you allowed her access to your home, and you chose to have sex with her.

The new woman was absolutely correct that you’re being played. Your STBX is getting the best of both worlds at the moment. She gets to sleep around with whoever she wants without being accountable to anyone but knows that she can run back to you whenever she wants for the material and emotional support that she needs. She is a master of transactional sex.

Personally, I think that if you still aren’t over your ex and can’t stop yourself from eating at her trough, then you shouldn’t be dating… not until you’re more healed and you’ve set firm boundaries in place. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the women you’re hurting. And as you’ve learned, no decent, self-respecting woman wants to be in relationship with a guy who has trouble saying no to his ex and lets her come and go from his home as she pleases.

Lastly, it’s not fair to your ex, either. If she relies on you as a crutch, she’s never going to stand on her own two feet. I know that you don’t want to see the mother of your children falter, but you’re enabling this codependent dynamic that won’t do her any good in the long-term.

Let her figure out how she’ll do her own damn laundry. Maybe one of her lovers has a washer and dryer she can use.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:59 PM, Wednesday, March 4th]

If you and your ex-wife met when you were 16, this must be the first serious break-up for you both. I didn't even meet my husband until I was 30, and I've been through a few break-ups. There's an adjustment period where you have to purposefully work to be separate. After that, maybe a few years, you can be friends if you want. You tend to have a different perspective on everything after that time and may realize you don't want to be friends.

You'll have to find a way to communicate to your ex-wife or STBXW that you need space and don't want to interact with her in the same way anymore. That means no casual conversations about her day or mutual interests or helping her with her troubles. You'll have to force yourself to stick to it, even when it's easier not to do it. It's best for her too. Trust me. Otherwise you are both just reinforcing those pain points with every interaction.

There are many options. Ask her for space. If she can't get the hint, go further. Don't answer calls. Cut her off when she starts getting to small talk or personal items. Others here understand better how to do this when you have children.

I don't know that I feel harshly toward your ex. Maybe she's not doing it on purpose, but it's soooo easy for her to count on you. Especially if you keep showing up for her. I tend to think a WS is already more detached and out of the marriage, but stories I've learned here indicate they often don't have that much foresight. She will learn to be on her own. It will be good for her. It will be good for you. It will be really good for your children.

Thank you all for the interaction and thoughts helping me think through things. I really appreciate the time investment.

Grubs: Yes I need to buy her a washer and dryer. I need to just make that happen. No doubt. But on the second point I think you're off base a bit. It's not my attachment to my STBX that made me hesitant to form bonds with the new woman, it's actually my fear of lost opportunity that makes me so hesitant. After having gotten with WW so young, together since 16, I've honestly never really had a girlfriend of over a month in my life and that was all child's "relationships" when I was 15 and younger. I'm scared of jumping in onboard with the first pretty woman who takes a liking to me and never going out with anyone else or getting to know other personalities and how other women think and their perspectives on life, what they bring to a relationship, all of it. I feel like as a guy who has such incredibly limited experience with women I'd be doing myself a disservice to NOT be casual with numerous women for a season, go out on dates and talk with them and get to know them. And I think that'll be healthy and protective for me in the future when I am ready to commit again because I'll feel like I actually chose from options rather than still being naive and just jumping on the first solid woman I met. I'd love to hear your take on that and if that sounds like I'm approaching this the wrong way given my specific circumstances with zero experience with women other than WW.

NTFTM: My kids were at home at my house. Two of our kids are adults, one lives with her and one lives all over the place. I have a 16 year old who is with me 100% of the time, and our 14 yo goes back and forth each week between us. The night in question where I was drinking beer with my buddy 3 of the kids were at my house. That night the adult daughter who lives all over actually stayed here too. She moved out about 2 months ago after about 4 months of unsuccessful IHS, and it's written into our settlement that lawyers are still negotiating that i'm keeping the house. That's not a thing under negotiation.

I really appreciate your empathy in that last statement. That hit me hard. Thank you for that. It does feel incredibly unfair. I do not go to her with my problems. I never ask her for money. I don't call or text or go to her house other than to pick up the 14 yo on mornings I'm coming home from work and she has left for work and he needs a ride to school. I've very often thought, "If she'd just get her shit together and leave me alone things would be so much easier". But it's obviously not going to just magically happen that way. I had hoped to almost titrate her off my support and my role in her life because it seemed like she needed that (not me). I wanted her as a woman I've known so long and will always love in some sense to be ok, and it seems good to care about her in the role of my kids' mom as that feels like a way of loving my children who will always love her. It's an unfair pact. After it all I'm going to have to drop the hammer and sever everything completely and finally, or it won't happen. But that's really hard, and I appreciate your empathy in how you said that. It made me feel understood.

BTB: There's a lot of wisdom in what you're saying. You're probably correct that I don't need to be dating, but I will maintain that had I been with someone I'd made any kind of commitment to that I wouldn't have slept with my ex. So that shows that you're right that shit doesn't just happen. I made choices and would've made different ones in different circumstances. What caught me off guard was how deep the other woman's feelings for me were and how betrayed she felt by me. That's the side of dating I didn't foresee and probably need to rethink. Even if I can just partially invest in people and be friends here and there and not start catching feelings, it doesn't mean that others can. And eventually in this chaos I'm sure I'll be the one catching feelings and getting hurt myself too. And as to your last line, I've directly asked sooooo many times to my ex, "Where the fuck is so and so now that you're single.... why isn't that lover boy romeo love of your life lifting a finger for you..." That often goes over well.

KD: I really think you get me. That's extremely insightful. I think that's the biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is that this REALLY is my first ever break up of any kind. All the stupid things people at 18, 20, 22 would be doing I'm doing in my 40s, and the stakes are just a lot higher because I'm supposed to know better. But just being alive and having zero experience didn't prepare me for all the landmines in this process. I really appreciate your insights and interaction.

Honestly, given the ages of your children, you don't need to worry about providing a soft landing for your ex. She needs to learn how to budget her money and her time, and how to hire help. I think you know in your heart what you have to do, it's just hard to do it.

I get that - we miss the person we thought we had at our side (for life). I started dating my stbx at 18, and I'd dated only one other person before then. It's hard to turn your back on someone who has shared so many years of your life, and who grew into adulthood with you. It's impossible to recapture that, and we have to accept that we'll never have that with anyone else. That's one of the many losses that I grieve for.

I've got no other wisdom for you. I think I'm only a few weeks/months ahead of you in this process. It's hard.