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I found out today that my wife has started an affair. She is huge into the gym and in phenomenal shape. Unfortunately, I'm not. The last few weeks, she's been acting very different and I've had some suspicions that things were out of whack. I asked her about it and she told me that everything was fine. However, in my heart, I truly believed something was going on. She was acting different, more distant, dressing different, going out more, etc. I was hardly sleeping and she made me believe that all was fine. The thing that she said that calmed my nerves when I told her how I was feeling was "Put your trust in me".

Still, in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was off. I looked at the deleted texts in her phone - and boom - there it was. 1800 texts with some guy from the gym over the last few weeks. Some very sexual stuff. It also said that they were supposed to have sex last night. That ended up not happening because he couldn't make it...he's also married. I confronted her about it this morning and she admitted it. She went away for a few hours and we just had a long talk. She basically told me she doesn't know why she's doing this and doesn't have answers for me. She said she still loves me, is still in-love with me and that I'm the perfect husband and father. But, she said, obviously something is off with her since she chose to do this.

I didn't know my mind could work as hard as it has today. I am completely crushed. She said she wants time and space, but we obviously both live in our house with our son. That was incredibly hard as well - I found out before he went to school and asked her to talk to me outside. He knew something was wrong and had a very rough morning before my wife took him to school separately than how he normally goes (middle school carpool).

My wife then went to go workout and then talked about this with another friend she has from the gym. She got home and we talked and she said she just doesn't have any answers for me. She doesn't know why she is doing this and she wants some time and space to process and think. She doesn't want to talk to anyone else or do any marriage counseling at the moment because she wants to figure it out in her head first. She was very honest with me during this conversation and I told her I just don't understand how what we've built and our family isn't the number one priority for her. How can a different outcome even be an option?

And now, here I am with nothing but questions. I don't know what to do. I feel like there's a knife in my chest that I can't take out. I know I'm far from the only person this has happened to - but how do I move on when my bright future is now so unbelievably murky?

[This message edited by yellowdoxie at 9:00 PM, Monday, March 2nd]

I am so sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did.

You have been handed a horrific trauma - it’s a lot to deal with. Please understand that it will take you some time to get your feet back under you.

1) Take care of yourself. Many have trouble eating, sleeping. Eat healthy food, lots of water, avoid drugs and alcohol (they really don’t help -ask me how I know. ), get some exercise every day (even just a walk), and enough sleep. If you are having anxiety or trouble sleeping, so your doctor. If eating is a problem, try protein shakes. Taking care of yourself physically will help you emotionally and mentally.

2) Whatever she says, know that this is not your fault. If she was unhappy, she had tons of options to choose but she chose cheating. There is nothing you said or did that caused this. She is filling some hold in her psyche or character, and it is not because you were not enough. All marriages are imperfect and each of you is responsible for part of that. But the choice — the thousands of lies and gaslighting - those are all on the WS (wayward spouse).

3) Please read in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum, especially the posts with the bullseyes and those pinned to the top. Also read in the Healing Library. Great resources for you.

4) Who can you talk to? Is there anyone you can confide in who will support you no matter what happens? Think about IC (individual counseling) - MANY of us have found that a trauma-informed therapist can be really really helpful. Maybe you have access to resources through your EAP at work?

5) In the next few weeks, see a lawyer. Not to file for D, but to learn about the process. Knowledge is power, and the fear of the unknown traps many of us.

6) You do not have to decide to Divorce (D) or Reconcile (R) right away. It will take some time for you to sort out what is best for you. Do not do the "pick me"dance, either. We have seen it so often- and it never works.

7) Do not have unprotected sex with her until BOTH of you have been tested for a full panel of STI/STD. She must show you the results, because cheaters lie. A lot. You may experience "hysterical bonding" - totally normal. But don’t put yourself at risk.

8) Do not sweep this under rug or think that in a few weeks it will all go back to normal. Unfortunately, infidelity takes years to recover from. But the first couple months will be you in shock. Your emotions will be all over the place- totally normal.

Lastly, keep posting and hang in there. You will get through this. It’s really rough, but we’ve all been there and know that you will survive.

Hello yellowdoxie. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

Read the "Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of the JFO Forum. Also, the newbies thread.

In the pop down menu at the top of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. Inside the "Articles" tab you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. These essays are a great place to start your journey of recovery and healing.

Please understand that the majority of WS (wayward spouses) will lie, blame-shift, deflect, obfuscate, minimize and attempt to justify their adultery. Like anyone else busted for wrong doing, they will go straight into "damage control" mode. Be prepared for any combination of this nonsense.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. For a while you're going to experience a shitstorm of emotions, thoughts and anxiety. Know that this is a completely normal reaction. You can mitigate the effects by consciously doing your best to take care of yourself.

Stay hydrated. Dink lots of water.

Avoid alcohol and rec drugs. They will only prolong the suffering.

"Hit the gym." I know it's a cliche, but the endorphins and hormones will help.

Consult your PCP and let him/her know what's going on with you. Most likely they've heard it before.

For months after d-day (discovery day), I couldn't function. I lost over 30lbs in less than three months, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate, remember shit, and experienced a roller-coaster of emotions. It was all perfectly normal.

Do not start marriage counseling. Not yet. At some point in the future, if reconciliation is a possibility, marriage counseling might help. Individual counseling for both of you is the way to go.

I know this is difficult, brother. It's the most painful and challenging shit I've ever experienced. Know that you will recover and heal. It takes time and a little self care, and it's a long journey, but you will get there.

Keep reading and posting here. This wonderful little community of ours saved my sanity. There is tremendous wisdom to be found here.

I’d worry she wants "time and space" to have sex with him, to see if she really wants him. She’s been anticipating this.

Read "Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo" by Michele Langley. Two volumes; quick read. She has a website you can download from. Explained my WW to a "tee."

Summary: Wives who cheat have usually left the marriage and don’t come back.

Best wishes.

A wayward who wants time and space is usually looking for a way to continue the affair. She’s definitely looking to avoid responsibility. An effective response to this is the 180. It will help you to emotionally stabilize and get a modicum of clarity. Look for the simplified 180 in the Healing Library here. Study and execute.

The prior posts provided great advice. No need to repeat.

She needs to quit the gym, block this guy on all SM and apps and give you free access to her phone.

If she refuses, then I hate to say this but buckle up — you are for the ride of your life.

🚩🚩🚩 she refuses to quit the gym.

Honestly I don’t get this whole gym cheating thing. So typical.

yellowdoxie, I'm so deeply sorry this has happened to you. We all are, it's just one of the worst things a person can experience. My hugs to you.

I'm going to be blunt here, it's my nature, and I like to cut through the emotions to a more solid platform of action because....the emotions cycle rapidly or just deepen - they're not a reliable basis for knowing what to to think or do. It turns into a swamp.

First of all....your wife has NOT been honest with you. She's been involved in this relationship, to whatever extent, for whatever extent, for whatever reasons, and you don't know everything and you probably won't at this point. She hid this growing relationship from you, which you could sense that something was happening, she has actively pursued this, knowing she had to hide it from you, so she has been ongoing deceitful, she tells you over and over that she doesn't know why she is doing this....that is a LIE. I know why she is doing this. She's doing it BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO AND HAS CHOSEN TO. And those are the only reasons that are important. Everything else is window dressing and at some point, she's probably gonna start blaming you, because that's what they usually do. You would be amazed at how unoriginal most of these cheaters are. And that is NOW what your wife is....a cheater. So, that IS your answer. She wanted to do this, she chose to do this, and she has done it to whatever extent, and she will probably do more. She hasn't said she won't, right? She hasn't said she's gonna end this, right?

"Time and space" means she wants you to leave her alone so she can pursue this affair in peace. She's telling you to back off and let her do what she wants under the guise of "oh, I don't know why I keep writing sexual stuff to this guy and planning sex with him? how could I possibly know that!....give me some time and space!"

That is complete and absolute bullshit and you need to get angry. Not just sad, devastated, hurt, rejected, all that - you wife has been actively plotting against you and your marriage and your son with another man. GET MAD.
What does get mad mean to me? GO TO A LAWYER ASAP AND FIND OUT WHAT DIVORCE LOOKS LIKE FOR YOU AND FILE. YES, FILE FOR DIVORCE. As soon as you can. And then go home and TELL HER you have filed for divorce. Tell her you WILL NOT share your wife with another man, that she can either have you or him but not both. She has to decide and she has to decide NOW. You'll find out what she's really like - even if she says she loves you - well she probably loves her brother, the dog, chocolate, and white clouds - saying she "loves" you doesn't mean a goddam thing. SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Well. DO something about it. GO FILE FOR DIVORCE. You don't have to go all the way through, you could pull it at some point if you think she genuinely means it and recon is worth while (personally I don't) but it gives you the head start of taking action, setting your boundaries and limits and what you will and will NOT put up with. Don't put up with this behavior from ANYONE. You can always lose weight, improve yourself and BELIEVE ME, many other women would gladly have you. That is the truth. You don't need this woman, there's ALWAYS somebody else, especially for a man. If you want it. Don't take shit off anyone and that's what she's tell you to do with this "I don't know" bullshit. People will always hand you just as much shit as they think you will take.

Also, get an STD test. Keep in mind as well...this may not be her first rodeo. I'd like you to start loving this woman....a whole lot less. Take her off that pedestal. You haven't cheated - you ARE the better person. She is full of shit. TAKE ACTION! P.S. You might start officially recording all your transactions with her - now that trust has been broken, you don't know what else she is capable of. I have known cheating women to accuse their husbands unjustly of abuse or being afraid of them - talk to the lawyer about this. BUT....get to a lawyer and start the divorce. It's scary....but you need to take action. Time and space is just you being a chump, respect yourself and others will too - it's contagious.

And tell her affair partner’s betrayed wife. Not only is letting someone know the truth about their life the moral thing to do, it’s also the number one thing you can do to throw cold water on the affair. Nine times out of ten AP is looking for no strings attached sex, not to lose half of his shit and go 50/50 with the kids. Odds are he’ll throw your wayward under the bus in an effort to save his marriage. That could be an educational moment for her.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 12:16 AM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

Very sorry you are here. Great advice so far. I will only add, do not try and understand her, do not try to make sense of something so nonsensical. There are no justifications for cheating. You can not understand a cheater, and you can not control her. You can only control your own actions. Take care of you and your son. Always value yourself. And please do not blame yourself for her terrible choices. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. Implement the 180 and be firm and clear in your boundaries. She is free to see her gym rat AP, but not as your W. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:55 AM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

Tell the other wife!!!

I'm sorry you're here. This is not a club anyone wants to join.

She doesn't know why she is doing this and she wants some time and space to process and think.

She knows exactly why she's doing this.
She wants to see if the AP is better.
I'd wager that some of that time will be spent in a hotel room with the AP.
They'd already made plans that didn't work out.

I wish you luck

I'm sorry you're here. This is not a club anyone wants to join.

She doesn't know why she is doing this and she wants some time and space to process and think.

She knows exactly why she's doing this.
She wants to see if the AP is better.
I'd wager that some of that time will be spent in a hotel room with the AP.
They'd already made plans that didn't work out.

I agree with telling his wife.

I wish you luck

So sorry you are here. First, take back the power. Do not give her the option of dictating how this will proceed. You tell her how it will.

Next, schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney and let your wife know about it. If she believes you will just hang around until she "figures it out" she will have zero motivation to do so. She has to believe you are willing to end the relationship.

I will post more tomorrow.

I just wanted to share a couple more thoughts I had on your situation. I think you're getting great advice here, and the people here will stick with you, no matter what happens. You have allies and friends you don't know. People who care. You are never alone in this.

Don't tell her your plans in advance. In fact, don't tell her anything at this point until whatever it is, like filing for a divorce, is done. I say this because talk is not only cheap, it's free....unless you go to a lawyer....and it doesn't amount to anything, at least not at this point. You're in kind of a cat and mouse game where she can factor in what she knows about you into whatever plans she's making....that she won't tell you about. People are impressed by actions most of all, that's why I say to take actions to set your boundaries and a filing for divorce is the strongest action - and statement - of your values, your self respect, and your boundaries, you can make.

What's happening here is she's testing how much she can get away with. She wants to see if she prefers the new guy for whatever reasons, or she wants to hold on to you, for whatever reasons, or both. That's why she wants the time and space, because she wants to test him out and see how much she can play you. i'm sorry to be so cynical about someone you undoubtedly love but....as I say, you've got to love her a lot less. People who go into affairs don't have concerns for others, they are doing it out of their own desires, some might say needs, I say desires, whatever, it's all about selfishness and wanting what the cheater wants above anyone else. That's why they'll put their families at risk. But a lot of women in particular will do monkey branching, which means they want to test things out before they fully commit to a man or a plan. That's what the time and space really means. It's not about her figuring out how she feels about you, or her marriage, or this guy....it's about her doing the test drive and seeing where it goes. There is nothing good, kind, noble, self sacrificing, thoughtful, considerate, etc, in cheating....it's all about how do I get what I want for ME.

So don't look to be talking to her or pleading with her to talk to you, that comes across as weakness and women generally despise weakness. DON'T DO THE PICK ME DANCE. DON'T. Put everything on your terms, which is why I tell you to go file for divorce immediately and tell her after it's done. She'll HAVE to make a decision then. I'm not saying you can necessarily trust her AFTER that point because she's already shown she's not trustworthy. But at least you've set down YOUR ground rules and made your boundaries, limits, desires, values, goals, etc, set in concrete. She knows what you're willing to do and how far you will go and that you will NOT be treated like this.

This is a game she's playing, this is the cheater's game. Don't play with talking about it endlessly....talk is the cheater's best friend - that's how they weave the gaslighting lies.

Good luck, respect yourself above all. You are WORTH it!

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 6:10 AM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this; that "knife in the chest" feeling is an entirely valid response to having your reality upended so abruptly. Regarding your conversation with her, the part where she claims to love you deeply while having no answers for her actions is a common, albeit devastating, dynamic. It points toward compartmentalization—a psychological mechanism where someone separates conflicting behaviors into different "boxes" to pursue an affair without immediately facing the guilt of destroying their primary life. By telling you to "put your trust in me" while actively sending those texts, she was maintaining a false reality to keep both worlds intact. Now that you’ve broken that cognitive dissonance by discovering the truth, she is forced to look at the consequences, yet she still hasn’t "quenched" the impulse that led her there in the first place.

This "need for space" and her lack of answers likely stem from two conflicting places. On one hand, she is likely struggling to reconcile her self-image as a "good person" with the reality of her choices. Since she has already affirmed that you are a perfect husband, she can’t easily blame the marriage for her actions. She is scrambling for a justification that doesn't result in her simply being the "bad guy" in her own story. On the other hand, requesting space while refusing counseling often suggests a desire to keep the door open to the affair without the immediate pressure of repair. It is deeply unfair to ask you to sit in a murky unknown while she "processes" a situation she created. Her silence is a way of maintaining control while you are left bleeding.

Regardless of your next move, the single most important piece of advice is to enact firm, immediate consequences. Whether you choose to reconcile or divorce, the issue cannot be resolved if her actions remain consequence-free. These consequences vary, but a powerful first step is often requiring her to inform the other man’s wife of the affair. It is a painful, sobering act that introduces real-world stakes and shatters the "fantasy" world she’s been living in. This needs done as a priority anyway, so why not use it as a tool to her betterment. Beyond that, many find it necessary to inform close family or friends to ensure there is a support system and a level of accountability that prevents her from hiding in the shadows.

Once consequences have been established, if you decide to attempt reconciliation, building rigid boundaries will be the next crucial step. This isn't about being controlling; it's about protecting yourself and your son from allowing this to ever reoccur. You deserve clarity and a partner who prioritizes your family's stability over their own confusion.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:26 AM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

Spot on BondJaneBond.

My H behaved exactly how you described. Asking for tine (60 days) to decide if he wanted to stay married after 25 years of a good marriage.

Stupidly I agreed to it.

Worst decision I could have made. He then believed he had the ability to continue to cheat. So then I had to have the "it’s her or me" which forced him to lie and swear up and down it’s me.

Except it was obvious I was not his first choice.

YD - please understand that cheaters follow a typical pattern of behavior. Stick around this site long enough and you can predict them with almost 100% accuracy.

Typical - meet the affair partner at the gym.

Typical - cheater "doesn’t know what they want"

Typical - cheater will do almost anything to keep in contact with the other man or other woman (OM/OW).

Typical - cheater needs "time" to decide (which gives them "permission" in their minds to cheat

I didn’t know about SI during my H’s affair so I made all the classic mistakes including the "pick me" behaviors. And allowing my H to call the shots.

Except at dday2 when I found out he was still cheating, I stood up for myself, planned to D him, kicked him to the curb and did the very hard 180.

I refused to speak to him unless the kids were home. I turned my back on him b/c I had no other choice.

For a few days he still thought he was in control and calling the shots.

Things only changed because I changed. I got beyond the devastation and pain and crying every day — I got angry. And that anger allowed me to stand up for myself.

Sorry this is long but I just wanted to give you a real life scenario that provides a bit of real life experience to everything BondJaneBond said.

Very often the best – maybe the only – thing we can do is the things within our control.
Like if you got a hurricane warning then no amount of worrying would prevent the hurricane from possibly hitting your area. You can’t avoid that. What you can do is prepare your home, have a safe place, tie down valuables, stock up water and food, charge batteries and phones and so on.

To me this is a comparable situation. Your wife is having an affair. With the number of texts, the window of opportunity, and the plans to hook up that evening to have sex then it’s logical to assume some form of intimacy has already taken place.
Your wife – she has asked for time apart and refuses any known or acknowledged path to end the affair. It’s sort-of like an alcoholic who demands a stop at a bar on his way to an AA meeting.

Crux of the matter is that nobody is forced into a monogamous marriage. If your wife want to be with this man, she can. You can’t stop it or prevent it. Lock her up? You are breaking the law. Beat some sense into her? Guess who’s going to jail. It all boils down to us all being free to decide what we do – even if the decision is a stupid one.

So she’s the hurricane. That’s the best way to view her. The next days determine if and how hard she will hit. You can’t control that – but you might be able to impact her actions by doing the equivalent of boarding your windows, storing valuables and stocking up on necessities.

Tell your wife that you can’t stop her from seeing OM, being around OM, going to the gym and pining for the OM or whatever. She can leave the house and have her time apart if that’s how she thinks "saving" the marriage looks like. You can’t prevent any of this.
But... not as your wife.

You had this great epitheny that while she’s having her affair (and call it an affair) then at best you are sharing her as a wife, and you don’t share wife.
You are not forcing her to be with you, to remain married. Instead you are giving her the freedom to do what she wants

Tell her that this is not what you want or expected. When you married you committed for life, but her actions show what SHE wants, and you are not forcing her to remain married. Losing her is the lesser pain compared to sharing her. It gives you a known path out of infidelity, and you aren’t hanging around in pain more or longer than you have to.

Therefore – to all form and actions – you are simply viewing the marriage as over, and all that is left is the emotional and practical detachment.

Let her know that you are setting off out of infidelity. For some relatively short period of time she can tell you that she too wants out of infidelity AND this marriage, but that the further you go on your path the more you accept the inevitable, and the less inclined you will be to work on this marriage.
IF she wants this marriage there will be some requirements, like total accountability over what happened, total enforceable NC, a new gym, IC, later on MC and so on. Not forcing anything on her – she is always free to chose if she wants the marriage or not.

No drama. Just facts. No sobbing. Once this speech is over go make a sandwich. Or leave the house. There isn’t really anything more to be said.

Others have suggested you let the OM wife know. I want to support that idea. Don’t let your wife know, don’t go all dramatic. It’s just a call or some reliable form of information where you simply state what you know:
"I think you deserve to know I found over 1800 texts – some very personal and of a sexual nature – between your husband and my wife. I have reason to believe they have hooked up or had plans to hook up."
That’s it. No expectation she believes you or anything like that. This will most likely result in him dumping your wife like a hot potato and focusing on his marriage. It also creates a sense of reality for your wife – the affair is real, the consequences real, the impact on others real.

When I confronted my wife her response was anger and vitriol and accusations that I had secrets. There were no tears, no begging for forgiveness, just anger. The best I got at the end of an hour-long conversation was I'm sorry this upsets you

The next morning she was still just as angry at me and this kept me on my heels but when she came home from work that afternoon I said I need time to think and I cannot do that bumping into you and I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave. There is a suitcase upstairs so please leave.

That's when she realized this wasn't yet another something that would be swept under the rug. She packed the bag, said something to our two older boys, walked into the kitchen and said I'm leaving and I said okay and she left

The next day I told her we would meet Sunday afternoon at the forest preserve to discuss the next step and I went there fully expecting her to be just as angry but she did a 180 because she realized we were teetering on divorce

This is what is meant by taking back the power. Up until I asked my wife to pack a bag and leave the house she thought she could control and manipulate the situation to make it as easy on her as possible. Months later she finally admitted that she thought I would just get upset if I found out and I would be mad for a bit and then get over it. She took me for granted and she thought that no matter what I couldn't and the relationship and that emboldened her to gamble our 27 years together

Now, it took me several months before I felt like my feet were back on the ground and I could make clear headed decisions. Whatever you do, do not do the pick me dance. Do not give her time or opportunity to decide between her marriage and her affair.

If her AP is in a relationship reach out to that woman and tell her what is going on. She has a right to know. I waited 5 months before doing so and I regret every day I waited

It's going to be a rough ride but you have found an amazing resource for support and advice here

Amazing responses - thank you all so much.

I would absolutely tell the douchebag's wife, but I know nothing other than his first name.

My wife has agreed to talk through this with her parents and myself this evening and set up a 1:1 with her therapist for Thursday, which was the first available appointment.

In the meantime, I'm basically sitting here on fire. I blew up the air mattress and am staying on it and I think that hit her a bit. I think I will understand a lot more after talking this through with her parents tonight.

[This message edited by yellowdoxie at 4:59 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

I would absolutely tell the douchebag's wife, but I know nothing other than his first name.

If you can afford it a private investigator can get his last name and wife’s contact info quickly. They can also handle informing the other betrayed spouse.