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I ask this with as much sensitivity as I can: why are you meeting with her and her parents together?

Only you know the dynamics in play there, but as recent as all this is, and as vague as your wife has been about what she wants, I would be leery of this meeting being more than just you and her. She is their daughter. You are not their son. I'm not assuming they will defend her, but it is a possibility and can really complicate this situation.

My wife has agreed to talk through this with her parents and myself this evening

You may want to record this conversation. Waywards have a habit of trickle truthing and changing their stories. A verifiable record of what she actually says may help keep you grounded if she attempts gaslighting down the road.

I second the PI. Best money you will spend. What that will do is possibly give you source of info and it will certainly put sunlight on whatever this is.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:18 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

The 1st Wife - well, eventually you figured it out and were able to make it work for you. You're a good role model! I think without immediate consequences and setting immediate boundaries, the whole thing just festers and the BS falls further behind, and our positions becomes weakened. I think there needs to be an immediate strong response and setting of our boundaries because the cheaters will take advantage of any weakness because....they want to continue cheating. Frankly, someone who tells me they need time to figure out whether they want to be with me or some anonymous gym rat....does NOT love ME. That is obvious to me and to try to think otherwise is hopium. To hear that, I would know that I am NOT Number One. Either he's Number One or the position is open to debate. No marriage should be open to debate. If your spouse does not automatically pick you, the marriage is dead, IMO.

YD - I hate to say this but I'm gonna anyway. Talking to the parents is both a delaying tactic and her seeking allies who will support her in a marital fight between you and her. This doesn't need to be discussed with the parents, what the hell is that supposed to do. She should KNOW that she should not be cheating on her husband and you should be NUMBER ONE, which you clearly aren't if she needs "time and space". Don't talk to her parents, you are putting yourself in enemy territory. She's doing this because she thinks she would have control over it and it will probably become 3 against 1 even if they're nice to you. People almost always side with their own kids.

You need to go see a lawyer and file for divorce and let her know that you are not putting up with this shit, parents or no parents. This should be YOUR DECISION based on YOUR self respect and what you will accept in a marriage and her parents have NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

I think talking to the parents whatever it seems like at first, is a mistake, and it's only going to put you back. She probably has already talked to her parents. This is a SET-UP, IMO. Get that STD test too. This is not the woman you think you know, you are in a different land now. Take charge personally of the situation, don't let her "set up" ANYTHING. She already fucked up by fucking up.

Also, while it is good advice to tell the other spouse if you can find her, it's not a solution to your problem. Your problem is not the AP and his wife, yes telling her might cool AP's jets, but you still have the problem of your wife. YOUR WIFE is the problem. She is very disrespectful of you and very uncaring of your feelings, your marriage and what happens with your son. That's only on HER, not on his wife, not on her parents....on her and what she has been willing and what she wants to continue to do. You have to make your own position absolutely rock solid and perfectly clear because she will try to take advantage of any lee way or any weakness that you show. IMO, you need to show her an action directly from yourself, and to me, that is going for a divorce. I know you don't want it, but....do you really even want to be with someone who treats you like this? Who has to THINK about whether shew ants to be with you or some married gym rat - your wife has no respect for marriage - yours or HIS. Is this what you want? Is this relationship acceptable to you? Only you can answer that or how much or how long you are willing to put up with this attitude and this treatment. YOU SHOULD GET MAD.

I think the situation depends on how YOU handle it at this point and that will set the tone for everything going forward. DO not be manipulated by other people or get distracted. This is about YOU and your values, feelings, ideas about marriage,etc. You do not have to put up with this shit for ONE DAY. Now, yes, she could say, okay, let's get divorced - if she says that.....you know where she really DOES stand and what you mean to her. That's a clear answer. If she tries to say she'll stop it....well, I'd continue with the divorce until I felt convinced of that because....she'll probably try to take it deeper underground. You can always stop a divorce filing up till the end so filing is not the same as BEING divorced, it's a clear intention though, and it's real action.

So yes, you can contact the other spouse if you can, but she may not believe you or want to hear it anyway, or she may just be like, yeah, this is what he's like, he's no good. Or she may lay the hammer down, who knows. But it's not going to change the essential problem which is that your wife wants to cheat on you and she can find someone else. You're not Number One to her and that is what must be addressed and fixed, if it can be.

DO NOT TAKE SHIT OFF ANYBODY. PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU AS MUCH SHIT AS YOU ARE WILLING TO TAKE.

You're not wrong. I'm scared for my son. I'm scared to have my life change so negatively. I don't know where I will live. I just am so numb, so tired from not sleeping...I just feel empty.