D day for me was in October of 2023.
That makes me only 19 months out.. I am not healed, we are not in a great space yet, and we are not a success story yet, nor do I know for sure that we will be one. I still slam doors and go to bed when I am feeling triggered, I still bring up his A when I need to, and I still have made it clear that I have more I need to do on this journey to healing.
I came here tonight to give back, to share a little about what I am feeling and what we have been through the past few months, in hopes it will help someone here, even if it is just one person.
My H had a 6 month A with a coworker, you can read about it in my past forurms, he TT me, had a porn addiction, did drugs with her, even admitted he loved himself more than his children basically (hard to accept , yes I know)
Fast forward to the past few months. I found a Christian infidelity group I go to weekly for about three hours a week, I take that night and before it starts I grab a dinner just for myself, go shopping, or get a coffee, something to just take care of ME. Yes we have four kids, I have a husband and a HUGE dog but that night is about ME , my self care, I make it clear that night is a "no need mom night". I sit through a support group ran by two women , one that has been divorced after her H infidelity that lasted their entire relationship (prior to marriage) and one who reconciled with her H after 3 years of his ongoing A that he TT to her for the longest time. They talk about triggers, boundaries, separation in the same home, basically all of the things we talk about here, just in person, this group is 40 minutes from my home and MOST weeks I have to force myself to go since it isn't over until my bedtime, it isn't easy, but healing doesn't come easy, does it?
I didn't think at first it would help but it has, not just because I am learning coping mechanisms but because I am learning MY SELF WORTH. So many people here gave me the advice to know my worth, to find my hobbies and self again outside of my marriage, outside of being a mom. It finally has paid off. 19 months later... I can go grab a coffee, dinner or even go to church by myself and not need a damn soul beside me. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week by myself and really dig into journaling about what I would like to change about myself or to help me work through past trauma. I go to bed when I want and i STOPPED mothering my H, period, I take care of my kids and myself (meaning Laundry, laying out clothes, packing lunches , etc) , if I want to be alone and not watch a movie with my H , I tell him and I go read my book. I stopped the people pleasing and I really have focused ON ME. Reading is by far my favorite thing to do in the whole world besides be with my kids. I go to church, I joined a church group, I started back up my photography, and poetry, things I stopped valuing about myself a long time ago.
I started focusing on HOW I FELT vs the number on the scale, hell I threw the scale away 
The infidelity diet fluctuates way too much for me to care.
So I come here because my H has been the model WW Spouse for the past year, he came clean , has been over a year sober to porn, quit his job and got a better paying job , Cold quit his band, became a better dad, a different H, etc. He knows that I want to reconcile but will take a long time before i really really decide that is what is best for me I have to want the path myself, not for him or anyone else, He hasn't pushed me or minimized anything hes done. I still bring up his A once a day (at the least) and we talk about it... I have to fully heal before I will let myself make that commitment fully. Yes we make love, the best love we have ever had ever, we communicate better than I ever thought we would, I trust him more than I ever have before.... it's weird to say that after what he has done but it really took him hitting rock bottom, unfortunately. It is like getting what you always wanted but hating him because that is what you always deserved, and here I am finding my self worth, here I am realizing I will never accept less.
Here is where I get to my point...
This weekend there is a festival in our state. Our favorite bands are here and with two special needs kids now we both can't go on the same day since it is an all day event. My H and BIL are there today and I am home with our minions and a horse of a dog. I had anxiety the past week, really upset and getting triggered. Not because I think he would cheat again but because he was a musician that used his talent to swoon women... just a huge trigger in itself. I expressed my feelings to him and that I know how women would be dressed and as a recovering porn addict I was nervous. He asked me if I wanted to take his ticket and he would stay home but I declined. He bought the tickets for his brother as a Christmas gift and I go on Saturday with my SIL. We both couldn't go together with four kids, it wasn't feasible, plus we really need to do our own things and venture into our new normal.
When the time rolled around for him to leave today I got anxious, started sweating but I used the tools that were given to me and I regulated pretty quickly. It wasn't because I KNEW FOR SURE he wouldn't' make a bad decision because no one can know that for sure, it was because I know MY worth, I know what I deserve, and what I will put up with again. To be honest at this point in the game if he were to have another A, I would probably pity him... but move on. Guys this is HUGE. I NEVER thought I would be here in a million years, the codependency I had with him literally stripped me of any self worth. It is late where I am. I am going to lay the kids down, read my book , turn out the lights and fall asleep knowing that in the end his decisions do not dictate my self worth, I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough... I have never done that in the past 10 years....
I will not act like I wont wake up in a few hours in a panic when he isn't beside me in bed but with our tracking app and self regulating tools, I think I will be able to self regulate but if not I will call him, I am hoping I will not have to.
I am not a picture perfect example of a healed BS but I am one that is on her way and I wanted to share just a little bit of a huge step in my journey to SELF healing. To let the new broken hearted BS on their way to reconciliation know they are not alone, to know that the first part of reconciliation is healing ourselves and it has taken me 19 months to even make a dent in that.... and I am okay with that. Trauma isn't easy, trauma sucks ass and I am so proud of how far I have came when I used to wake up so many mornings wishing I didn't. I remember the days I drank more alcohol than I did water.. I still have my days but the good are FINALLY starting to outweigh the bad. I am starting to LOVE ME. I’ve given myself grace for my feelings, after all I am human.
Don't get me wrong, we have set date nights, every other weekend, we choose each other now, if I don't feel comfortable or if he doesn't , we choose each other, we have long emotional conversations, we talk about hard subjects that we used to avoid, we admit our faults to each other, we celebrate sobriety together... it isn't ALL about me but the way I got there ^ was through healing myself.
My goal for myself and for all the BS:
In the end no matter if R works or if it doesn't, that we know that we matter, we are here for a purpose, we are loved, we are worthy, and that infidelity will NEVER define us.
Thank you for listening!
I thank the old timers for being patient with me on figuring out they were right
[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:33 AM, Friday, May 9th]
