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I came across what I thought was a helpful article about exit affairs (found at Couples Therapy Inc website - article titled "The Secret Signs Your Partner is Plotting Their Exit").

While not every part of the article fits my situation, much of it does, and this has gotten me thinking about to what extent WH was planning his affair intentionally to get me to divorce him. I don't think my husband consciously started his most recent affair with the intent to divorce, but I think the affair became an exit affair once it started and WH started thinking seriously about ending the marriage. When I discovered the affair , told him to leave, and filed for divorce, I was likely doing exactly what he was hoping for.

And this makes me feel played for a fool, manipulated, and used. It makes me feel like he got exactly what he wanted - he "won" - while I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life and my kids' lives. Maybe this is yet another example of what I didn't see soon enough - that WH is a master manipulator. I can't blame myself for his action, but it still makes me feel like I'm a smart and capable person who was stupid enough and blind enough to be the puppet at the end of his strings.

Beyond that, the exit affair strategy - and my filing for divorce - allows him to walk away without having had to have any difficult conversations about our relationship, without having to process the affair or apologize for it, and without having to accept any responsibility for the failure of the marriage (because after all, it was me who filed, not him).

Once again, he got me to do all the hard work of being an emotionally intelligent grown up. And he gets to go onto his new life (paid for by the big check I'll be writing him in the divorce settlement), feeling smug and not responsible, and without having to do any deep reflection. I have no desire to have him back in my life. I'm just seething mad at him for using me, and I'm disgusted with myself that I let myself play right into his hands.

Tough Saturday morning.

You've been heard! Process your anger, but remember you are the ultimate winner here. Your WH is solely responsible for the destruction he has caused. He may be smug, but he is still the big loser. He lost a wonderful faithful partner and he is still stuck with himself. He can't outrun his own selfdestuctiveness and lack of morals. It will catch up with him. Ive seen it over and over again. Sending strength for your healing. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:16 PM, Saturday, March 8th]

Arnold01 I I’m right there with you WW did the same to me.Married 24years together 37 . I filled for divorce.

it’s true he left you no option other than divorce. But does that mean he won? Maybe on paper, but in the real world, you are winning. You are taking control of your life and your future and are no longer being manipulated by him. He is a coward and too weak to do it himself. He won.. the grand prize of no spine, no morals, no consideration or respect. What a prize.

Don’t give him that power. It’s your power. Own it, use it, relish it, thrive in it. Sometimes it is scary but being the driver in your own life is way better.

Wow, yeah, me too.

Once her affair started picking up steam (unbeknownst to me), my exww began heavy manipulation to arrange her exit while keeping me in the dark about her affair(s).

I'd rather not give recognizable details, so I'll use an analogy instead. The way she manipulated our living situation was akin to a pilot suddenly changing course, speed and altitude and telling the confused passenger (me) that it's just to dodge some bad weather. So I scanned the skies, and when I turned back to her to ask, "What bad weather?" I found only an open door and an empty seat. There was no bad weather, she just wanted to make it easier to bail out.

Please do not feel like a fool because the XH/XW had an exit affair and left you to do the dirty work of filing for D.

That is a cowardly thing to do. And yes, the cheater is a coward.

My H, during the affair, was behaving the same exact way and even told the oW how I was "preparing for the D".

The difference for me is I had no guilt, remorse or pain in preparing to get away from a cheater and restore peace in my life. And I planned to tell my children their father had a GF and refused to stop lying and cheating.

Fortunately we are reconciled but only b/c my H made massive changes.

But never feel guilty for doing what is in your best interest. And with peace and calm comes the possibility of a better life for yourself.

I hope this helps you see the cheater for exactly what they are - a coward.

He may be smug, but he is still the big loser. He lost a wonderful faithful partner and he is still stuck with himself.

Love this, fareast!

After my last D-day, my ex didn't fight for me and let me do the dirty work of filing for divorce. Some might say that qualifies as an exit affair, but I'm 99.9% sure that if I had silently suffered and rugswept (as I had post-Dday 1), my ex would've been happy to remain married while eating cake on the side. Based on what you've written about your husband and your marriage, I suspect that he would've done the same, had you given him the option.

Personally, when I think of an "exit affair," I think of someone who wants to get divorced but won't pull the plug without finding a replacement first. Then, once they're secure in their new relationship, they proactively end their marriage (usually with some variation of "I love you but I'm not in love with you") without even bothering to pretend they want to save it.

edit;add: In short, you don't have any reason to feel like you were played for a fool. If anything, he's the fool because he thought he could do whatever he wanted without having to suffer the consequences of his actions. And you showed him otherwise.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:21 PM, Tuesday, March 11th]

For some reason, human beings expect fairness in life.

Is it a religious belief that God is fair?

Is it a belief that others are kind and decent?

Is it because if you flip a coin enough times the heads and tails will even out?

Is it a belief in karma? (I’d hate to think I was shitty enough in a previous life to deserve what I got in this one.)

I don’t know why we expect fairness, but I’ve given up on it.

But does that mean he won? Maybe on paper, but in the real world, you are winning. You are taking control of your life and your future and are no longer being manipulated by him

.

I love this! My xWS never would have D'd me he would have kept cheating on me and emotionally abusing me. I had to be the one to end it and end it I did. He still pushes the narrative that I broke up the family, guess it helps him sleep at night since he will never be accountable in the breakdown of the M.

My situation was very similar, Arnold. My XH told me about the affair and I told him to GTFO. He and his AP got a house together and are still living together, as far as I know. Now, like you, I wonder if this was his plan all along. I don't think he started the A with that intent, but I suspect that became the intent.

I used to feel so proud that I had kicked him out as soon as he told me, but now I suspect he would've left anyway.

Once again, he got me to do all the hard work of being an emotionally intelligent grown up. And he gets to go onto his new life (paid for by the big check I'll be writing him in the divorce settlement), feeling smug and not responsible, and without having to do any deep reflection. I have no desire to have him back in my life. I'm just seething mad at him for using me, and I'm disgusted with myself that I let myself play right into his hands.

I relate to this SO MUCH. With the exception of my writing him a check, I could've written this. The feeling disgusted with myself that I played into his hands is added on top of the embarrassment I feel at not having noticed the A.

I used to feel so proud that I had kicked him out as soon as he told me, but now I suspect he would've left anyway

You should feel proud because you didn’t take any shit.

Again, I think that 99% of cheaters would stay and eat cake indefinitely if allowed. Just look at a post in General or the R forum on any given day and you’ll find at least 1 or more posts about cheaters who are perfectly content to let their BS suffer in limbo while they continue their affairs or do the bare minimum of effort required so their BS hangs on to hope.

The real fools, in my opinion, are those who hang on desperately to the hope of who their cheaters could be without facing the reality of who they actually are. Worse yet are those who cling to a failed relationship because they don’t want AP to "win."

Well, I let OW "win." I gave my ex the divorce he wanted (or at least did nothing to prevent). And last I heard, OW is raising their child alone with no involvement from ex, who moved back home with his scumbag family.

And me—who forfeited the pick-me dance— have an extraordinary husband and 3 incredible children.

So Arnold01, BallofAnxiety, and others in similar situations, don’t feel like you did your exes a favor. When the trash takes itself out, it’s always a blessing.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:32 PM, Tuesday, March 11th]