SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH and I have been together for 15 years, living together 10 years, married 1 year.

11 weeks since DDay. WH conducted a 3-month PA with a college girlfriend (dated for 6 months, 30 years ago). I don’t have full disclosure but it seems they saw each other about three times while I was out of town with family and then once while I was home (he claimed a work thing to go see her~ she lives an hour away). Ended the affair via phone call. Since then, if he can be believed, there have been a few check-in messages from her (to one of which he replied "I’m fine."), a random phone call (no voice mail) and a ‘like’ on one of our tagged photos which I imagine was inadvertent.

Since DD I have read every book I can get my hands/ears on, I’ve journaled, I’ve talked, I’ve tried to understand. I want to save my marriage and naïvely assumed he’d immediately ask for forgiveness and get the help he needs. Indeed he agreed to counselling (so far: 3 IC sessions for him, 2 IC for me and 2 MC), but he hasn’t begged for forgiveness or to repair our marriage.

I’ve looked at some surveys about what kinds of affair he had and it doesn’t appear to have been an exit affair but more of a conflict avoidance affair. He experiences performance issues which diminished our intimacy. We managed it but it was/is damaging to his self-esteem.

On the advice of his IC, whom he connects well with, we are currently on a 7 day therapeutic separation. The goal (as describe by WH) is to reflect on his feelings and get some space. He has some videos to watch and other guided work (I haven’t seen any of it).

He has said a few times (including in MC) he doesn’t know if he wants to be here. When asked for clarification by MC he said he feels guilty and can’t understand how I can forgive him. I can’t understand how he can feel like he doesn’t want to be here. He says he love me (and has said he doesn’t love her). I have forgiven him and am desperate to work on how to move past this and rebuild trust.

I know his affair was not about me but I can’t help thinking that we have such a great life and what more could he want. I also recognize I’m still likely in shock but I really want to do this right. He is the absolute love of my life and I don’t want to lose him.

If anyone has any insight into what he may be thinking and feeling and how to support him through this process while staying healthy, I’d be very appreciative.

Snowfall

This is possibly not what you want to hear...
But...
From what I read its all HIM.
The separation is due to him needing time to realize what he wants.
He isn’t certain he wants to be there.
He probably uses this to explain why he had the affair.

Well...
Why let him have options?
Why let HIM decide if this marriage survives or not?
Why does he get to take a week off and then come back and reluctantly take you back?

Why not YOU decide what YOU want?

If you do that, then read your own post. You want the life you thought you had. What he’s offering... it’s something completely different. AS-IS and without ANY really hard work on his behalf then he isn’t capable of offering you what you want.

Note I don’t say he can’t. But it needs to be from the correct foundations. Those foundations are NOT that he has a choice between her and you, or can have both or whatever.

Limit his power. Do this by basically giving him what he wants: A choice between her and you.
Tell him something like:
"Husband – I really want what our marriage could be, but I realize that you are not committed to us. You have questioned your will to be here and that simply tells me you are only my husband in name. I don’t want that. I want a 100% committed marriage.
Since you can’t offer me that, I’m simply assuming you want your so-called "freedom" or the other woman or whatever. I don’t share my husband, so I am simply working on the assumption that you aren’t truly my husband. I therefore absolve you of any obligation. You are free to be with OW or live somewhere else or whatever. Only not as my husband.
I will start the process of ending our marriage. It’s not what I want, but even less do I want to be someone’s plan B.
If you want this marriage I need a very clear verbal commitment from you. You have a limited window to make this clear to me, but the further along I go on my path out of infidelity, the less inclined I will be to stop."

So very sorry you are here. Yes...you are definitely in shock. There is much more you will go through, and the road is long, but you definatly can do it. I highly recommend getting and reading "Betrayal Bind" by Michelle Mays. It helped me survive the initial months.

Make sure you get under care of therapist who truly specializes in Betrayal Trauma. I also highly recommend following and watching Jake Porters content. Also for me, I ran to God daily like never before...I needed Him, and still do.

Please keep posting and reading here. There are many wise folks here who have been there and want to help. You are not alone. You are precious. You are heard.🙏

So sorry youre facing this betrayal.

I was going to respond in depth but Bigger's reply is absolutely zeroed in. I hope you take it to heart and can process it appropriately in the midst of your agony as it will stand you in good stead.

Know your worth and believe it, after all, if you dont, who will?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:15 PM, Thursday, February 6th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some unpinned posts that have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a ton of information, too.

It's difficult to R (reconcile) by yourself. It's a lot of hard work. If he isn't in it, you're going to have a tough road ahead. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's an easy read and is a nice blueprint.

It sounds like you're both projecting your thoughts and feelings onto the other. One thing that I had to do was to stop and be deliberate in thinking what I thought I knew about my XWH (ex-wayward husband). He lied so much that I couldn't rely on what he said. It's a bit crazy-making.

Concentrate on his actions and see if they're lining up with R. This may be a good time for you to stop and think about what you want from the relationship.

So sorry you're here.

My W never asked for forgiveness. I never expected to give it. Cheating seems unforgivable.

It took my W years to accept that i wanted to R. She saw herself as so evil that nobody would want her.

I don't know what motivated your H. He really needs to get into that. More important he needs to change from cheater to good partner. I don't know how or if he will do that, but he's not much use to you as an H if he doesn't make that change.

I'm with Bigger. What do you want? How sure are you?

What's holding back full disclosure?

What are your requirements for R?

You have a lot of power here, despite the trauma of being betrayed.

I’m looking at the fact that getting married spooked him. This is hard to absorb. When you and he set up your relationship the first five years were living apart. Then living together. Then marriage. What none of us notice is how quickly our relationships get concreted into place. Very little wiggle room. So each of those changes caused some jack hammering to reconfigure how to proceed. You might say ,"We changed houses, jobs etc". You did not change the new relationship personality that was set up in the very beginning. I will bet 5 bucks you have catered to him because subconsciously you recognized he held the power. It is often very subtle but it’s there. Relationships are usually two people doing a dance around the central theme of the marriage depending on who holds the power. Look honestly at what you gave up in a sense of true belonging and a sense of self worth. The central theme of your marriage was he always had one foot out the door. Marriage shut that door. He panicked.
Pay attention to Bigger. In fact read his post again.

I also think Biggera response is well worth rereading. My WH also never asked for forgiveness. In fact we never discussed it until at one point (years later) he mentioned forgiveness in the past - as something I had done. When I asked him why he presumed he was forgiven he said he figured I would not still be speaking to him if I hadn’t. And maybe I had. But in your case, at this early stage, if I were a WH I wouldn’t be asking about forgiveness either.

All that being said it does indeed sound like your WS isn’t fully committed at this point and is keeping you in that limbo land that’s many of us found ourselves in. IMO don’t let yourself linger too long in limbo as it’s not healthy and know you do have the power to get yourself out of it.

IMO don’t let yourself linger too long in limbo as it’s not healthy and know you do have the power to get yourself out of it.

Please don’t live in limbo. It’s akin to living in hell IMO.

Honestly it’s NOT a god sign that the cheater is in the fence about what they want. I was stuck in that position for 6 months and it mentally wasn’t worth it.

Finally at dday2 I did something about it. I very calmly told my H I was getting out of the circus and off the roller coaster and doing what was best for me and kids. Unfortunately I was forced to tell him I was D him b/c I had nothing left to work with. He was lying and cheating and I thought we were reconciling. 😡😡😡😡

Best thing I ever did was to stop allowing him to make decisions for me.

Looking back, if my H couldn’t commit to me or marriage at the drop of a hat, it’s a 🚩🚩🚩. INSTRAD I allowed him months of time that did more harm than good. I thought if I was kind and supportive things sound turn around.

In the end my being a cold hearted witch who finally put myself (and kids) first and got off the emotional roller coaster was the best thing I ever did.

I took away his power or ability to have any input or control over my life. I now called the shots.

Happily reconciled but only b/c I changed the dynamics of our relationship.

Snowfall, our paths have some similarities. My W had an emotional affair with an old college flame. She also has never asked forgiveness or shown remorse. She has expressed regret but I think it was regret for being found out. I read all I could find about old flame reconnections and have concluded that Zygmunt Bauman’s writings fit my case pretty well. He said that old memories draw people back to the person they once were. Reveries take them back to missed opportunities, ie the one who got away and the person they might have been. I think while my wife feels guilty, she still looks back fondly at how she felt basking in his glow. I don’t know if this fits your situation, but its a possibility.

You are less than 4 months into this trauma. When I was in your shoes I was still in denial. I think you may be, too. You may or may not be able to reconcile. As others have said, you need to stand up for yourself and establish what you will or will not tolerate.

[This message edited by Notsogreatexpectations at 2:51 PM, Wednesday, February 5th]

I am grateful to each of you for taking the time to reply. I have read, and reread your suggestions and am seeing that I do have power where before I felt powerless. He is halfway into his 1-week clarity separation. Hopefully he's been reflecting and working through his feelings. He has an IC session after work. I don't know if we will talk tonight or Friday but I will post an update. please know your support has helped me feel capable of establishing boundaries during that conversation.

Please do something to see if he’s been in contact with the OW (or anyone else) during this separation period.

Some people use this time apart to explore their "options" as they are free from someone looking over their shoulder.

I’m just saying that the red flags here are significant.

He’s separated from you (IMO as a test run)
He’s on the fence about the marriage

Talk to him tonight and at first, he said he’s struggling to forgive himself and understand how I can forgive him. By the end of the conversation, he admitted he does not want to be my husband. I guess that’s it for me.

Thank you again for suck quick support. It made me feel stronger during that conversation.

I don’t have the strength for details, but I did set boundaries including he could not live here unless it was as my husband so thank you for that 💕

Talk to him tonight and at first, he said he’s struggling to forgive himself and understand how I can forgive him. By the end of the conversation, he admitted he does not want to be my husband. I guess that’s it for me.

Thank you again for suck quick support. It made me feel stronger during that conversation.

I don’t have the strength for details, but I did set boundaries including he could not live here unless it was as my husband so thank you for that 💕

Sorry, Snowfall. I know this isn't the outcome you wanted. If he said he doesn't want to be married any longer, then believe him and let go. Read up on the 180, which will help you emotionally detach.

I’m so very sorry.

Having trouble forgiving himself…. Hmmm. Interesting focus at 11 weeks.

He feels guilt but not empathy.

You deserve and deserved better. Great job setting that boundary.

Take it one day, one hour and even one minute at a time.

Put the focus on you. Talk to a lawyer and find out your options. And keep posting.

Lots of help from those who have been there.

Sending you hugs.

I am so sorry that is the decision he made.

You did the right thing by telling him he cannot live with you if he cannot commit to you. You don’t need to be around someone who has cheated and doesn’t want to reconcile.

What happens now?

Snowfall

Hearing that our advice made you feel more empowered makes all the time spent on this site worth it.
I don’t advocate divorce nor reconciliation. I advocate that we – the betrayed – remember that WE have options. See my tagline? We always have options, and although they might not be great options... well... one of them might lead us to a less-bad place. At that place we again have options, and one of them might again lead us to a less-bad place...

Right now treat your marriage as if it were a house on fire. No matter how much you want there to be no fire, it still burns. It’s only ACTIONS that might change that, and it’s never clear if the house is livable UNTIL all the flames have been extinguished and the foundations examined. Right now your husband is insisting the flames are fine and he likes the heat. All you can do is call the FD and start saving valuables.

Take him at his word. Remove drama from the situation. Let stakeholders know that you two are headed for divorce because he has decided to remain in an affair and you don’t share husband. Heck... tell them you don’t like his girlfriend...
Just like you might weep when you see your favorite couch eaten by the flames you can feel sad about what’s going on. But don’t let that stop you from saving what you can and making sure you are safe.

I think there is a 60-80% chance that when he sees you are not taking part in the drama, are not crawling after him crying for a second chance or whatever... once he sees that although you still love him and would want to save the marriage... then that is only done from a position of REALITY... once he get’s all that he MIGHT want to work on things.

But until then – and maybe forever – your only option is to end this marriage.