SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m still in my marital home, he moved out (it was mutual). I’m just getting used to all the little things. Coffee for one. No communication with him during the day.

I didn’t know what he was doing so the day to day, how are you? Have a good day. Love you. Was still there.

Other than "get used to it" what helped you move through this phase.

Good morning in your peaceful place. More peace is sometimes hard to appreciate at first after all the drama of a break up.

I hope you get lots of replies here that will be helpful, because I ought to be having the same experience soon. And I am not looking forward to the adjustment, but so many have told us they found their way to acceptance and new balance, that I know you and I can, too.

Some ideas I have gleaned from others might include:
Re-arranging the furniture and the spaces in your home.
Hauling off items in your house that you really don't need. (But not to the point where you end up with starkly empty rooms.)
Cleaning and repainting rooms, especially rooms you use the most, like your bedroom.
Browsing thrift shops for some furniture that he never set eyes on. (Checking out estate auctions, some beautiful things can be found that way for often very low prices.)
Shopping for new bedroom furnishings.
Inviting neighbors/friends for some little party at your place.
Having that goal to work towards.
Are you a dog person? (Some dogs are a lot of work, however! I have one like that. Sometimes I wonder...)

I'll be following this as I will be in my own very soon.

I wish you luck.

I hope to be free to do whatever I please, I don't know what that will be yet but it is balancing out the thoughts of loneliness at the moment.

Explore new hobbies, spend time with family etc

I read a tik tok the other day, I forget exactly but it listed 5 things along the lines of
A hobby to relax
A hobby to learn something new
A hobby to make money
A solo hobby
A hobby to meet new people

I have a few ideas already to tick some of these off.

Keep us posted on how you get along.

I second the above too. I have been watching renovation videos on YouTube and interior design etc.

I won't have much money but you can make the house your own again. I'm excited to have a blank canvas to create my own place from scratch. Little by little with no one else to please or grumble at you. Apart from my kids lol but my little boy can design his own space.

It is an adjustment, that's for sure. I'm still trying to not buy too much food.

I've used a Keurig for several years, so I didn't have to re-learn brewing coffee for one. When XWH would brew the coffee, he'd have ground coffee everywhere and creamer dripping down the cupboard doors. Don't have to deal with that any longer.

For conversation, I will have the TV on or listen to music.

I have moved, and decorating my new space has been fun.

I volunteered for a cat rescue by cleaning the habitat in a pet store once per week. I've found new things to do because I don't have to contend with XWH getting upset or pouting. Doing this, I've made new friends.

But, I like being alone and have to force myself to get out and do things to not just stay in my place.

Besides changing the look of the place, I burned some sage to get his bad juju out of the place. You can just burn some nice candles :-) (I did that, too, b/c my ex hated candles).

* New sheets was a big one for me- really good luxurious ones.
* Long baths
* Trashy novels or magazines or 100% Disney channel… whatever you like
* Cooked the food I liked the most. Hello, meatloaf!
* Take up walking or volunteering or a class at the community college or online.
( I just learned about being a volunteer shelver at the library - putting books back on their shelves and I am going to look into this for myself!)
* Say yes to every invitation. Author reading at the bookstore? Sure. Local ballet performance? Okay! BBQ at someone you are casually acquainted with - you bet. You won’t love all of it, but it gets you out and breaks up the old patterns you had.
* If you find it hard to come home after work and not do the "how was your day", then start going to the gym straight from work instead.
* Take up meditation or yoga to help you relax your mind.

Just mix it up and start new habits that are for you. It takes time, and some days will be better than ever. But the morning will come when you wake up and the sun will be streaming across your bed and you will take a deep breath and feel at peace. It will happen.

You are doing great! Hang in there.

Even though we are IHS, I've already been doing this, plus purging things in the way of charity donations that we are no longer using. I'm not optimistic that our marriage will survive this mess that he created with decades of drugs, porn, cheating, and lies. After D-Day add lots of trickle truth, gaslighting, blame shifting, and minimizing. Usual stuff found here. He's not ready or willing to move from this pathetic mindset, so I've been working on plan B. I'll have a head start on it.

I also need to think about all of it less. Any ideas on that?

That's a tough one, ICGPT. Maybe focus more on you and what you want and need. That's very individual. There are some games that help rewire the brain, like some match 3 games like Candy Crush. I've played Seeker's Notes, and it has helped me to focus on something outside of the trauma.

Icangetpastthis and others.

I was doing IHS a lot of the time. We slept in separate rooms however would get together more than once a week to spend time to be intimate (not every week for that, that was one of my issues).
We were "trying"‘to get back together and spend more time together which felt amazing.

Then I learned he hid a year long drug habit from me. He claims he’s not addicted and it was just "casual" use so why was I upset. I’m questioning myself thinking maybe he’s right- it’s not a big deal.
But knowing him, his porn addiction which is apparently over (but I did find racy reels on his phone), alcoholic tendencies (again won’t admit to a problem) plus nicotine and daily pot. I know even "casual use" of other drugs for him is a huge issue. He self soothes with substances and behaviors.

But I’m here in new beginnings. Trying so hard to step away from this. Start a new life where I don’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop, where maybe someday my efforts toward being an imperfect, yet loving partner aren’t made in vain.

It’s so hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves and lacks the empathy to love the way I need to be loved.

But I do have my 2 wonderful dogs. My sweet old dog died this Fall and I had a puppy opportunity presented to me "too soon" but I went for it and am so glad I did now. They entertain each other and me, snuggle and give me so much love and affection.

My kids are with me a lot too, we are sharing time with the youngest & my middle is in HS and he is a really great kid to just hang out with. I’m tremendously fortunate not all teens are pleasant. My oldest is in college & I miss her but she’s been through so much being the kid of parents who are struggling with their marriage I’m relieved she’s off living her own life she deserves.

No new hobbies yet but I did pick up some things after D day 1 so many years ago. I had a feeling I’d be here again and it would truly be the end. I have a wonderful job doing daycare at home that I adore (spouse hated it & made me question all the time) I have a young lady who works with me and she has been so supportive.

I’m also a fitness and dance instructor and go 4x a week. So that feels wonderful.

I’m doing my best.

There will always be bouts of loneliness when you live alone it is normal. Things I do to combat it are to get busy when it happens. Either distract yourself with a good movie or book. I would spend time with friends or with my kids. Definite reclaim your space and make it look different than the shared home it used to be. You can go for a walk or go to the mall and just window shop. Start going to places you have always wanted to see even local. Sometimes talking with a therapist helps.

But, I like being alone and have to force myself to get out and do things to not just stay in my place.

This is me too I don't really mind being alone it is so peaceful and safe.

I'm only five weeks into living alone myself, as STBXH and I work through our divorce. Others have had really great ideas to share, and all I'd add is that I have found enjoying getting reacquainted with myself - and intentionally designing some new things into my life - to be a silver lining of this experience. The dogs were never allowed in our master bedroom, and now they sleep in the bed with me. I realized the other week that I can listen to a certain daily news podcast on my phone, which I used to love but haven't listened to for years. I play it while I'm brushing my teeth and getting ready each morning, and before I would never have made extra noise when H was still sleeping. I'm about to start some seeds indoors to have a vegetable garden this year, which I never did before as we spent summer weekends going back and forth to a cottage. I was never in one place long enough to tend to a garden, but since I expect to lose the cottage in the D, I can try my hand at gardening. (-:

All small things, but they give me comfort and remind me that I am taking steps forward and that there is joy.

My kids were teens when I ended my M, so I haven't been fully alone, save the weeks that they were with their mother.

Still, I did feel the sting of lonliness and my ego was quite bruised from the betrayal. Early on, I adopted an approach that helped me start thinking about myself, rather than always sacrificing for others. I've always been a giver and a fixer, and as a result, I've often been taken for granted and taken advantage of. My approach was simple. Everyvday, I would do one nice thing for myself. Sometimes I'd go to the pub for a pint, hit the gym, go running, shoot some pool, anything really. It just had to be for me. And once a month I'd do something more significant, like go away for a weekend, usually to stay with a friend.

What this did for me was give me something to look forward to everyday. It also broke me of that feeling that I did not deserve things (FOO issue for me). Now, even 6 years later, I find myself just a little selfish, and I manage to always carve out a little me time each day.

The adjustment will take time. It took me awhile to get comfortable with going out alone. Despite so many people being unpartnered, the table for one is still awkward at times. But, I've got to so used to it that I guard my peace now.

Good luck on beginning your new journey.