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Struggling with resentment for the fact he took years away from my life while pulling away from me during his affair. I was 26 when it started and would have probably recovered from a break up much easier than now at 31 when I want a family.

I’m also very resentful to myself for accepting such bare minimum for so long and assuming we were on the same space and effectively taking the relationship for granted. Giving him space unbeknowingly to have his affair when he said he was having trouble with mental health, so I didn’t think it was me or us. I knew we weren’t great but I didn’t know we were bad.

And now I’m still accepting the bare minimum but I’m aware of it more now because I’m not showing him affection, so he doesn’t show me any. I think previously because I was so loving I showed enough affection for the two of us that I didn’t realise he wasn’t - and when I did see I would often make comments and tell him.

Now I’ve become a mute and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like therapy is working for me.

Maybe the resentment will disappear if I just accept what’s happened, this is part of our history now and move on to our plans of family as we had spoke about for years and even last year while he’d already knocked up someone else (she miscarried).

I think that’s part of my problem, acceptance.

Resent is normal. It's one if the things that have a tendency to effect even more strongly during the second year after dday.

Applying logic goes... 'what does resent get me?'

Of course, the answer is 'nothing'.

Strangely it's much easier for your mind to accept it that sooner than your heart does.

Ask yourself, do you see this man being a good lifelong partner for you and a good father for your children? Be honest with yourself. If you have reservations starting a family will not fix them

There is nothing keeping you with him except your own stubbornness at this point.

I understand where you are coming from. I feel like my WH took my chance at finding someone that would be a committed partner for life. I’ve been with him for 23 years. He also was not giving what he should to the relationship while having affairs for years.
I know you are struggling but why are you willing to accept this when you are not legally married, do not have kids with him and have minimal financial entanglement. It will hurt to separate but I think you would find your footing and be crystal clear on what you want in a partner and in life with some distance from him. I see a lot of myself in you, I tend to romanticize and somewhat make excuses for people. However I have changed tremendously these two years since d day. I thought we had a great relationship but in hindsight he was doing the bare minimum. Could you take some time away from him to do some soul searching. Do things on your own, meet new people? If he truly cares for you and wants to reconcile he would give you that space.

Resentment is part of the healing process.

Question is do you still love the cheating spouse and want to be a parent with them?

I was really beating myself up about the resentment too, fearing becoming bitter. One thing a therapist explained to me about resentment was very helpful. You can't let go of resentment for ongoing resentful types of behaviors.
So for example, my WH's cheating has stopped and I'm less resentful. His negative comments about my parents haven't stopped so I'm still resentful about this.

I actually do actually see him as a good father and he is a good partner in some ways (will do chores of own accord, will do shopping, cook, great with finances and organising important things). But he’s not good in a lot of other ways which tbh are the ones in count most in(doesn’t tell me he loves me, doesn’t do any romantic gestures anymore, doesn’t talk about future planning, doesn’t initiate sex). Despite those not so good things and excluding the affair, he’s a much better partner than my friends husbands appear to be which maybe says more about us than the men we keep 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was with a friend recently who’s single and she said that it’s awful being single in your thirties so I feel maybe I should go all in with this relationship and try to make it work.

Probably right, my own stubbornness is keeping me here - I think I feel like I’ll prove everyone right if I leave (although I know no one would act like that I have a very supportive network). And my toxic ego is thinking nothing can tear us apart we’re such a strong couple to get through this. But the reality is we’re not getting through anything because I feel broken and like sh1t and we don’t talk about anything meaningful.

We did have a few months of space at the start of this mess but I do keep thinking I’m in such a bad place maybe I need space with no contact for a while to understand what I’m feeling and what I want. It’s not fair to either of us at the moment.

How do other people address difficult conversations about the relationship? Always in person? When you’re out in the car or walking or laying in bed? Or should I write a letter to brain dump everything?

Maybe I’m most resentful toward myself for not speaking up about anything and so I won’t get over that until I address it because it’s on going behaviour. And maybe I won’t get over my resentment toward him until/if he starts showing up to this relationship and demonstrating love and affection.

I don’t know this is all a mess and I’m miserable this is my life, I’m not healing, I’m actually getting worse.

Why aren’t I strong enough to have a fricking conversation with him and talk about this!!?

Sorry ya’ll, feel like I’m always bringing the mood down.

LRR,

I am feeling worse (sadder, angrier, more betrayed, more resentful) at 2.5 months after dday than I did at any point before. It's a process, and it sure doesn't seem to be linear. When I found out about SAWH, I needed space. We've been living separately, and I'm truly grateful for that. I needed to be away from him to feel emotionally safe, and even though I'm struggling with a lot, I'm happier on my own.

My SAWH is also great at finances, doing things around the house, fixing lamps, that type of stuff, but he sucks at connection and showing vulnerability. That's part of his addiction, but it's also who he is. My recommendation is get some distance from your WH. Carve out a place for yourself, mentally and/or physically, and practice some real self-care.

I have difficult conversations via text, mostly. SAWH is a very stoic communicator in person, and I am also quite detached with him now, probably as self-protection. So we have more emotion via text than in person. I flip-flop every day over whether I want to R or D. D scares me, still, but I'm giving myself scads of time. We can be separated as long as I need to figure out if I even WANT to give him a (3rd) chance.

I think the BS learning to accept the cheating of WS is a loooong road, or maybe I'm thinking more of forgiveness. I don't know if I'll have it in me, but I don't think I have to either accept or forgive him, I just have to move past it. That's true whether we R or D. Acceptance/forgiveness of WH will come in time. Or not. Our job now is to accept/forgive ourselves. We are not to blame for any of this, and we don't need to take any responsibility for what they did, or for not knowing what they were doing at the time. Regardless, it's okay to feel frustrated with yourself. Just try to figure out what you need to start your own healing, and trust me, that is 100% separate from him.

My marriage, too, wasn't a soulmates match or anything. I had learned a certain amount of detachment from him over the years, all the gaslighting and DARVO kind of guaranteed it. Now that he's getting help, I'm seeing him make some self-discovery strides without me pushing him, and I want to see how it plays out. Every now and then he texts something really great, and I feel love for him, and it terrifies me! I tend to lash out at him when that happens to make sure there's still plenty of emotional distance. I'm not in a good place and that's okay. Your WH getting another woman pregnant is a really tough row for you to hoe, that's so much hurt and betrayal to process! Maybe you're avoiding talking to him because you don't want to make a decision about whether to leave or not.

Doing nothing is also a choice, and you can do that until you're mentally ready for action. Just don't get stuck there.

This is truly a shitshow, so be kind to yourself. Whatever you're feeling is allowed. It's okay to forget about the WH for a bit and try to create a safe space for you to process and heal.

We're here for you, LRR. None of us chose to take this road full of potholes, and we're navigating it as best we can in any given moment. You'll talk to him when you're ready, or you'll just decide it isn't worth it and walk. I know if I choose D I will be alright. I'm in my 50s and I think being single is way better than staying in a marriage where I don't feel emotionally safe or loved and respected. I have friends and family that can supply those, and myself!

1) Start calling it what it is: anger.

2) We have always talked about my W's A face to face. We've talked at tables, on sofas, but mainly lying in bed and on road trips. (We have the car to ourselves.)

I didn't have to deal with a WS who didn't do the necessary work, but my W says she didn't begin to feel remorse for at least 5 months after d-day. She didn't start to see her A as just another sordid A for at least 5 months.

I did decide on d-day that I was either going to build a good M, or I was going to D, and I knew building a good M took both of us. I also believed that if my W healed herself, she or I or we might choose we didn't want to spend the rest of our lives together.

IOW, I didn't think I could stay passive. I had to be active. I had to keep on top of what I felt and what I wanted, and I had to ask for what I wanted from my W. She could say 'no' to any request, but too many 'noes' would mean D. Luckily I got a lot of yeses, so I never had to make the choice to D. I did, however, ask myself again and again if I was still on board for R.

*****

So where are you? You're unhappy in your M (I know you're not M, but the fewer keystrokes, the better), but you don't want to be single in your 30s. What the fuck are you doing to yourself?

I'm with Bigger (and the Stoics) on happiness - you can be happy even if your M isn't. But I think even the most stoic is likely to agree that removing a source of unhappiness will ease your way to being happy. If you're done with your M, accept it and move on. You might find someone who gives you what you want and wants what you want to give if you're single. You can't do that if you're M.

Or ... maybe you'd be happy with your H if he changed. Maybe that's what you want. You can't change him, but you sure can ask for the changes you want.

I could be misreading your posts, but I think you've communicated what you want, and your WSo hasn't changed. Maybe taking the risk with a Bigger-type conversation is what you need, something like:

'WSo, I love you and want to make a life with you, but we need to change the way we deal with each other. Etc., etc., etc.'

You might want to have those conversations with a good MC moderating. Of course, one of the issues has to be his A, and he almost definitely needs an IC for that. He'll probably need the help of a good IC in recognizing that he needs to make other changes, too. But from what you write, the A is only one issue in your relationship, and probably not the most urgent or important one.

*****

You say you're not getting what you want from therapy. My reco is to talk with your therapist about that. You might need a new therapist. Your therapist may change methods if you can articulate what you're looking for. If you can't, your therapist may be able to help you figure out what you want.

If your spouse isn't doing the things that are important to you, then that should be a deal breaker. When I divorced my ex, my biggest regret is that I didn't do it much much sooner. Even before the A (that I knew about, I'm convinced now there were more), i had built up resentment because he didn't treat me good in the ways that were important. I too looked at my friends' husband's and thought that at least he wasn't as bad as some of them. I now realize that just because he wasn't as bad as them, he still set the bar low. .any of those girlfriends a few decades later are also divorced because they finally recognized how toxic there exes were too.
You are only 31. You have at least another decade before you're looking at perimenopause. But if you're that concerned, freeze some eggs. You should be having the time of your life right now. You should be traveling, experiencing fine dining, spending time with loved ones, enjoying hobbies (preferably with your partner), and counting your blessings every day. You should not be questioning why you're so miserable. I suggest you drop everyone in your life that is dead weight. If they aren't making your life better, clean house. Don't look back in 20 years and have regrets.