SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
Sorry that I have been posting a lot; I just found this site and people's advice and support has been invaluable. Here is something I am wrestling with at the moment.

I am wondering where the balance lies between venting/ voicing every new question and angry moment and trying to take control of questions and thoughts. What is the difference between rug-sweeping and consciously trying to take control for one's own benefit? There are two things that specifically arise: imagined mind-movies and the underlying question: 'Why do you care now when you didn't care then?' However, at times, I can have all sort of micro-questions about their encounter that, ultimately, won't help other than enable me to imagine it more vividly (which is not wanted).

My WH has been (almost always) patient about answering questions and just listening, as well as picking up when I am feeling rubbish about his infidelity and giving me a hug, reassurance without me asking.

There are times I feel that he needs to experience every last ounce of the hurt and confusion I feel, in real time. However, there are also times when I think I need to control and filter what I say/ ask because, ultimately, I don't want it dominating my own thoughts, let alone all the time we spend with each other. Also, to some extent, I want to show him that I DO appreciate all the wider work he has done on himself since D-Day, which has been very heartening and meant a real change in the atmosphere of the home as a whole. Most of the time, I feel we can work through this given time and if we keep focussed as we have done.

I am 8 months out from D-Day, and have now got to a point where I am not thinking about the A constantly and feeling sick about it every minute; I acknowledge this is still very early days in healing. I am just wondering if, to heal at this stage, it is better to try to 'control' thoughts or to let them ride? Is it best to save thoughts and questions for an agreed space and time, when I have had a chance to weigh up how much further information would help, or is it best to just vent on the spur of the moment?

I think my main fear is that, if I stop bringing things up, WH will forget that it happened or not realise the extent of the pain he has caused. He says he won't but, my fear is that he will.

Do you feel like you know everything you need to know?
Has he been open about it?
Do you believe what he has shared?
Do you think he is still holding back?
Do you think he has done what is needed to make you feel safe?

I don’t think you will feel safe until you have all the above.

Thank you, Bigger.

Do you feel like you know everything you need to know?

This is one of the big things. Sometimes, I think I need to know everything - every little detail about what they did and how, at other times I am glad I haven't asked these things, as the imagined mind movies are bad enough.

Has he been open about it?
Do you believe what he has shared?

He was not intially open (I found out by checking his phone; he didn't volunteer the information), but I feel he has been since he has done more reading. Yes, I do believe what he has shared. A few times, I have been suspicious (for example, about a photo of a roaring fireplace in a nice room) only to realise I have been overly suspicious (I did the dates and realised it was me who took the photo on his phone!). I think I mainly think that there will always be more I can ask about the details, but the more important questions are about how he wants to be now and in the future. But sometimes, in the dark mornings, those detail-questions elbow in.

Do you think he is still holding back?
Do you think he has done what is needed to make you feel safe?

I think HE feels he has told me everything relevant. That's not necessarily the same, but...
He is certainly doing everything in his power at the moment to make me feel safe, but the problem is that it will be the consistency over time which is going to re-establish safety. He could not do any more at this stage other than erase the past.

I don’t think you will feel safe until you have all the above.

This makes sense. Thank you.

Wow, 8 months out, I was still a basket case. At 5 1/2 years out now and I'm FINALLY getting to the point where I feel like I have greater control recognizing that the spin is starting and taking care of myself. I commend you.

For me, it is recognizing that I can't change the past. I can't change what he chose. And, that I have what I call "quick release" button now. If the relationship isn't working for me, I don't have to stick around. If the relationship isn't working for me and I voice my concerns, and his response isn't supportive....I'm ok with ending it and I give him that, as well. I don't want to, but I want happiness and safety for myself more. We all deserve that.

I also have to remind myself of the good things that have happened since the A. That can be difficult, as your brain wants to keep you safe by keeping you hyper aware of any threat. I'll add, that aside from extricating himself from the A in the early days....he was a poster child for recovery and reconciliation.

It is also recognizing that, as awful as the A was, I did decide to do my part of working on us. That mainly means, trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. Being present. So much easier said than done.

I've learned to try extra hard not to go into attack mode when triggered. It doesn't help me or us. I find myself telling him where I am emotionally while not directly saying "you cheating bastard, you did this to me". For us, that looks like....I'm feeling distant. Or....this feels familiar, and not in a good way. That might seem like rug sweeping, but where we are it lets him know that I need him to step up without it feeling like an attack.

My advice is to go with your flow and expect you'll come to the right spot sometime soon. Right now, you have questions, but you're not sure you want the answers. I recommend figuring out what you fear and dealing with that - then put the fear aside and ask the Qs. That's part of 'letting go of the outcome' and 'not trying to control the outcome' and 'risking the M to save it.'

Fear comes with this territory. It needs to be acknowledged and accepted, but overcome. One member used to say something like, 'Courage is saddling up even when you're scared.' A former therapist used to say, 'You an do hard things even when you're scared.'

I asked every question I could think of for close to a year. Then I found myself asking myself what the goal of asking was. What was my positive outcome?

If I wanted info, I asked. If I asked because of an underlying feeling, I didn't - I went straight to the feeling.

For example, if I wanted the question to evoke some feeling - usually shame - in my WS, I eventually came to believe I would be better off figuring whether anger, grief, fear, or shame was underneath the Q and just expressing the feeling(s) directly.

The answers could kill R for you - but IMO it's better to know about R-killers sooner rather than later.

I agree with what Sissoon says. Likely one part of the questioning is addressing R-killers.

These are different for everyone. It seems like for most BSes (particularly those on SI) infidelity itself is not a deal-breaker but there may be aspects of the cheating that still are deal-breakers.

Asking these questions (and answering them for your spouse) is very scary because on some level you both know the answers may be dealbreakers. Did you sleep with them? Did you sleep with them in our bed? Did you tell them you loved them? Did you badmouth me? Did you introduce them to our children?

I thought these were dealbreakers but I will never know because the answers were "no". You never really know if it is a deal-breaker until the answer comes back "yes: and you have to confront how you really feel about it.

There were some things I thought might be dealbreakers but when the answer came back "yes" it seemed I could possibly actually get over it. I am stil not 100% certain but it is looking like I may be able to stay with him despite some things I thought were dealbreakers.

I found creating a timeline was the only thing that allowed me to stop asking questions.

This one is tough. I probably erred on the side of self control since I'm a self control type of person. However, just like you said, if you don't show and communicate that your are still hurt and angry, you can't expect WS to know you are still hurt and angry.

I do think agreed upon times for A related discussions are useful. We tried the color/numerical scale thing a little but didn't find it too useful ourselves, but it's another possible strategy. You communicate daily your sort of internal status about how you are feeling and about R. (Red,orange,yellow, green or 1-10 kind of thing).

I think my main fear is that, if I stop bringing things up, WH will forget that it happened or not realise the extent of the pain he has caused.

THIS! Great question.

I, too, don't want to let him forget. I know that failing to moderate my language will lead to an unpleasant life together. I could easily let myself rant about what an awful person he'd had become, but what does that get me? It happened, he's doing his part, and like you said, we need to do our part to allow reconciliation happen. But that doesn't mean he get's off scott free. I have to keep the discussion going for healing.

It's been 2.5 years for us. I try to drop reminders in a positive way, like: - thanks for helping with the dishes. It's nice to work together now. Or - I thought we'd never get to this point, thanks for going with me.... Other times it comes up naturally and I push it a little. Like on a recent road trip he wondered aloud about a bumper sticker reading, "Semper Fi", and I explained it was latin for Always Faithful, and was a phrase adopted by the Marine Corp as their motto. Silence, no response from WH. Then I had to jump in and point out that we couldn't always just avoid the topic of his lack of "Semper Fi", that we needed to continue to talk about what happened. But I must admit that it's always difficult to bring up and easier to rug sweep. It's a balance.

Best to you. It's not an easy road.

Thanks so much for your experiences and advice. I really like the idea of rooting out the feeling behind the question rather than the question itself. That seems more productive and useful, especially as my WH might not understand the question being important, but might understand the feeling.
I have no idea how my brain keeps coming up with more questions when I think I am done with them...
Thanks again!