SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SHORT VERSION:
6 days ago I was tipped off my wife cheated with her male friend. A male friend I had been begging her to create distance with for the last 5 months! And it happened nearly right after I really pressed the issue about this particular friend. Now both the friend who told me and my wife said it was only 1 time. My wife said it was a mistake, she regretted it immediately and cried about it after. But she also gaslit me and even made me feel guilty about my concerns and complaints of how close she seemed to her "friend". When I asked her to spend less time with him than r never be alone with him (yes I saw the writing on the wall and I knew what was coming), she complied. But she lied that there was nothing there and made me feel bad for it. Yes there were also other friends she became close with who were around the dude’s house/business. Other reasons she wanted to go there.

So then I find out. My immediate reaction is "we’re over!" And after a sleepless night I realize I still love her. Her and our family. I’ve been with her longer now than I’ve been without her and I wondered if it’s worth throwing away over a 1 time mistake. A mistake I made many times in my youth; hurting her then. So I tell her I’d consider working it out IF she blocks him and never speaks with him again. She agreed and told me she already had removed him from everything. She legit seems remorseful and I believe her (and the friend who told) that it was only 1 time. But I can’t get the mental image of them together out of my head! It’s been 6 days and whenever I close my eyes I see my wife having sex with him. If my mind isn’t constantly occupied, I think how she could hurt me and lie about it for MONTHS! Not just lie but make ME feel guilty for wanting them to stay apart.

I know nothing I do will make the memory or pain go away any faster. I am asking for my fellow broken people’s thoughts and tips. How do you move on from this? What helps? How do I hold my wife again without wondering if he held her the same way? Thank you in advance from a broken man.

Get tested asap.
Eat healthy food. If that is impossible drink Ensure or something like it. You need energy to overcome the stress to you mentally and physically
No alcohol
Try to get enough sleep
If you are feeling anxious or depressed the dr can prescribe meds short term for those. Do not be macho and refuse. This did a number on you and your body too a hit.
If you need to talk it out get into see a therapist who deals in trauma.
If you want to find out financial obligations talk to an attorney.

I am very sorry to have to welcome you to this club.

Sounds like it was more than once. Cheaters always say it was one time,when caught. It very rarely is.

Cheating is a choice,not a mistake. Grabbing the wrong kind of milk is a mistake.

She spent months lying to you. Younhave no reason to believe that she's suddenly honest.

If you want to attempt reconciliation, your minimum requirements should be..

Std tests.

Full transparency, you get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

NC.

She answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness.

She throws away all clothing she wore with him .

She goes NC with any friends who knew.

She gets ic to figure out why she did this.

I see you've cheated as well. How was that handled? Did you rugsweep? What work did you do to become a safe partner?

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:43 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Hi

First of all I’m really sorry to hear this has happened to you. I believe it really is one of the most emotionally painful things that one can endure. Im quite new to this site but have found it very helpful and supportive so it’s good you have come here for advice.

Im close to 6 months out from discovering my husband had been unfaithful with a very young co-worker (pathetically cliche) and all the feelings you are experiencing sound so familiar. Since coming in this site I have found it can take years to recover from betrayal like this so I think we both have a fair way to go.

Other people on here will have so much good advice for you but to answer your specific questions from my personal experience so far, you just take it day by day and let hold on for the emotional roller coaster. I still imagine my husband with her but the thoughts are not quite as painful as they were at the beginning. I still tell him those thoughts make me sick and that he disgusts me sometimes but I think he deserves it.

Make sure you look after yourself and make sure you don’t let her ever make it feel like it was your fault. One thing I learnt (again in my personal experience) is that we were both in a semi unhappy marriage but only one of us had an affair. That js their choice and their choice alone!!!!

I know you desperately want this to just go away and wake up from the nightmare. Sadly friend, it won’t, this is a new shitty reality your wife has plunged you into. There is no magic cure for the mental images you describe, but there are things that help (check out the healing library) and time will also dull them.

You can get a great deal of support here from others who have experienced this. Read here, learn what you can. For now, you should treat this like you’ve been randomly attacked and give yourself grace to feel the trauma and not judge yourself. Exercise, eat well, avoid drugs and drink. So sorry for your pain.

But I can’t get the mental image of them together out of my head! It’s been 6 days and whenever I close my eyes I see my wife having sex with him. If my mind isn’t constantly occupied, I think how she could hurt me and lie about it for MONTHS! Not just lie but make ME feel guilty for wanting them to stay apart.

I’m sorry you are here. This is a terrible club to join and I’m sure your world is shattered. Cooley2here gave you great advice with how to self care and next steps.

There are conflicting points in your post. You say it "only" happened once. And it was a "1 time mistake". You also say you saw the signs for MONTHS and voiced your concerns and were lied to and gaslit. Betrayal isn’t JUST intercourse. Its secrets, lies, minimization, gaslighting, emotions and any and all physical touches up to and including intercourse. You have been getting betrayed for months. Is kissing OK? Fondling OK? Oral? Would you consider any of that "only" or a "mistake"? A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk on the way home. She didn’t trip and fall on his genitals.

How is your friend who told you in any position to know what they have or haven’t done together over the life of this inappropriate relationship?

Gently, you are "bargaining" with yourself about how much betrayal you are willing to accept. Now, ALL betrayed spouses do that. What is "crossing the Rubicon" for you?

Also, WS’s are notorious at minimizing. Most use "just" and "only" and "mistake". For me, "only one BJ" became "dozens". 5-6 intercourse became 30-40. And so on…..

In addition to the things C2H recommended, ask for a full written disclosure inclusive of a timeline for all sex acts and inappropriate contact. Follow this up with a polygraph.

To your healing journey…..

She may regret getting caught. It is unlikely that she is remorseful. It usually takes time for a wayward to find true remorse. Regret is usually about facing what they might lose and how it will affect their life. Remorse is about fully comprehending how deeply they have hurt you. Do not offer reconciliation or threaten divorce until you are sure what you want. This can be many months down the road. Take as much time as you need. Watch her actions, especially what she does to help you heal. Do not accept any blame. Do not beg her. It is up to her to dig in and work very hard to repair the damage she has done.
Keep posting here. You will get great advice.

To answer a few questions:

The whistleblower was the guys married gf (open relationship). He told her what happened when it did. That was months ago and as my wife continued to hang out with her "friend", the GF said she saw them holding hands on multiple occasions as well as being generally very close. She said she really believed it only happened 1 time.

As for the timeline; I have felt uncomfortable about the relationship for over a year but let it go as paranoia because it was all based from a prior experience that made me distrust women with "guy friends" at all. Personally, I’ve never seen coed friends NOT work out this way. I really pressed the issue starting Oct ‘23. Made it very clear I wasn’t comfortable with them being visibly so close (as friends) and what I worried it could lead to. Sometime soon after is when it happened. On a night when she was mad at me and was drinking over at his business/house with him. I don’t know any more specifics and I don’t want to.

I found out only 6 days ago (3/2/24). So between the start Oct ‘23 and beginning March ‘24 I was begging, asking and really suspicious about their relationship. She claimed the whole time it was nothing, "not like that" and nothing ever happened.

As for my past; I only "cheated" once about 20 years ago (I’m 41 now for context). Thought other emotional offenses include multiple breakups (my desire only) when I slept with many others. Some of those included her best friend at the time, "enemies" and me being very flagrant about it all. Caught sharing nudes around the same time (mine) online with other women. There was also times (much later) of neglect (ignored her, didn’t participate in the family much) and great emotional distance between us. How did I handle the R from all of that? Like any dumb kid, swept it under the rug and got irritated if I felt she was punishing me longer than necessary.

I gotta say that I understand your situation here. I too betrayed my wife early on in our relationship. No physical cheating, but inappropriate conversations, hiding friendships, lying about my whereabouts, betraying trust in general. I also would get annoyed that she held onto the grudges and felt she should get over it. Until I found out she kissed someone else and was having an emotional affair via snapchat with another. Completely knocked me off of my foundation and put all of my own transgressions into focus.

We've reconciled and are doing better than ever, including in openness and communication. But I don't think trust between us will ever be fully restored because we both know that pain we've caused each other.

  Moving to General